Can't make sense of this?

[Cimbaruns]

When I've posted before I'd mentioned that my exBPDw had cheated on me ... . before she dumped me like I meant nothing to her... .

It's one thing to be cheated on and to come to grips with being replaced so very quickly without so much as a thought... . but I can't wrap my head around the fact that I was so easily replaced in every way!

And now I know that she has also been in contact with the gf before me!

How do they DO this... .

I realize that they are not "wired" like you and I... . but good God... . that's crazy

I'm questioning each and every RED  that I every felt or saw... . why did I ever stay with this woman and give her the last 4 years ... .

This is gut wrenching ... . I feel like the biggest fool EVER

I have been totally NC for 12 days now and feel like I've been freed from the most horrible of relationships... . I want nothing to do with her... .

I wish not to be on her list of recycled relationships... .

I cannot make sense of why she continues her life this way... .

I pray for a quick divorce ... . as being connected her... . in any way ... . both hurts and disgusts me... .

[heartandwhole]

Cimbaruns,

I'm so sorry.  Being replaced hurts like nothing else, and no, we can't wrap our heads around it!  Not until we accept that his/her reality is not the same as ours.  Even the relationship that we thought we were having wasn't being experienced in the way that we thought.  It is mind blowing, and sad. 

It doesn't make sense to us, but there is a reason for this behavior –  for someone suffering from this disorder, it's about survival.  Not personal.

Keep focusing on yourself and the new life that you are going to create.  We're here to listen as you feel your way through this.

[fromheeltoheal]

Congratulations on your freedom!  You are probably feeling a huge sense of relief?

As h&w says, it's about survival.  The core of the disorder is a fear of abandonment, and if a borderline feels an attachment slipping, or they've gotten too close and are feeling engulfed, triggered by the intimacy, for whatever reason the attachment with you has soured, that will drive them to seek another attachment; depending on the severity of their disorder, it can be literally life or death to the sufferer.

And that has nothing to do with you.  If yours was anything like mine, there was a whole lot going on for her emotionally and in her head that she never shared, there was always an emotional distance, more so when triggered.  When we do something as normal as relax into the relationship, a borderline can notice the difference between that and the fawning over her we might have done before, and interpret that as abandonment, and of course never bring it up, just rage, cheat, misinterpret what you say, even your facial expressions.  It's a different world for the sufferer: better to start shifting the focus to you, your part in the proceedings honestly, your healing and your future.  And if you do the work on yourself, she will be transparent and unattractive if she does show up later.  Take care a you!

[Cimbaruns]

Thank you h&h... . yes the focus must be on me and it's so very helpful to have many others here that are able to offer their words of encouragement and support.

I do realize that to some extent that it is the need to "survive" for them and it must be tortuous for them most of the time... .

It is very hard however... . to accept that it's not personal at times depending on how I reflect back at all that we shared.

Fromheeltoheal

There were always things going on for her emotionally... . I think I caught myself repeatedly asking her "what was going on for her"... . it was always something... . always a struggle.

I guess I found it hard that she couldn't be content with the life we were beginning together and yes... . when we reached what I thought WAS a comfort zone... . or the relationship began to relax... . she totally started to distance and pull away... .

How sad indeed

I have days when the freedom empowers me to look ahead with optimism... . and then there are days like this that set me back and cause me to wonder "why"

All in good time.    It is about US.  And our ability to break free and recognize finally... . that there is a better life.  Without them

Thank you for your kind words as I'm sure we share most of the same story

[heartandwhole]

Cimbaruns,

I hope you'll be gentle with yourself.  My breakup felt very, very personal, too.  There is no way it wouldn't, unless we weren't attached at all in the first place.

Our feelings matter, and they are real for us, too.  Not just pwBPD    Those of us grieving have a slight advantage at times because eventually we can step back and look at ourselves and situation more objectively, but that comes with time and usually lots of tears.

At 12 days out, I wasn't half as wise as you already are.  Keep posting your feelings, questions, confusions.  We're listening.