I'm sure she has a boyfriend.

[eclectic]

Ex called me out of the blue last month, first time we had talked in 6 months,  and we have talked a few times since then, we have been pretty friendly towards one another, but I notice when we talk, if I call her, she never answers, she calls me back usually, and when we talk, we could be in the middle of conversation, laughing and having a good time, then all of a sudden, she will say I have to go, I will call you back, I'm assuming the significant other comes around at this time.  I do know when we were together, I have never heard her phone ring, it stayed on silent, but she was always looking at it, and anytime I was coming somewhere she was, or she was coming somewhere I was, she was always just getting off, I'm pretty sure this other person is probably in the same situation, I don't know for sure, I have not asked her or anything, if she is seeing someone, but it's obvious the way she suddenly has to go, she doesn't want someone to hear her.

[eclectic]

If there is someone else, they are starting to get to the devaluing stage I believe, because we don't speak everyday or anything, but when I call her, she always call right back, unlike when we first ended, and I was black, she would ignore everything, I'm guessing, I may be becoming the sun again, and he is becoming the moon,

[Ironmanrises]

You do realize what that invites into your garden right?

[eclectic]

No, I don't you have to enlighten me

[arn131arn]

Pain

That is what ironman is trying to tell you.

[eclectic]

I suppose, I could fall back in, but at least at this point, I don't think we are at a point that would cause me pain, because we are keeping in cordial, I already believe she have a boyfriend, it's not bothering me, we have not talked about seeing each other or anything, just been more how are you, and things like that, I'm ok keep at this level with her, I may be crazy believing it will stay at this level

[Ironmanrises]

Pain

That is what ironman is trying to tell you.

Yes. Thank you Arn. And lots of it. It is a slippery slope to even keep a pwBPD at that level.

[State85]

I have a few posted topics on this board regarding "friends" with my exgf. Might want to read the replies I got.

In my opinion, they won't stay cordial for long. And the fact she is talking with you if she does have a boyfriend... . come on. To me that sounds like overlapping, setting you (or the next person) up so when this r/s goes south, well she already has someone lined up.

This happened to me. Is happening now and I'm not even in a r/s with her. She wants me to be friends with her because then she has control, and when she "needs" something she can call me... . because we're "friends" In my case I'm being used, and I will not go down that path.

My ex keeps ALL of her ex's... . doesn't let them go... . it's like a rolodex. I'm not going to be on that rolodex.

[Changingman]

Forget them they are poison in everyway. If they are being nice all the worst.

[myself]

I suppose, I could fall back in

I may be crazy believing it will stay at this level

I'm pretty sure this other person is probably in the same situation

It's called playing the triangle game.

She makes the rules. The rules keep changing.

Good luck with that.

[santa]

If it didn't work the first time, why would you be interested now? She older and even more worn out now than she was when you were with her? What could she possibly have to offer you now that you haven't already had hundreds of times before?

Just cut bait, man. Why keep putting yourself through this?

[State85]

If it didn't work the first time, why would you be interested now? She older and even more worn out now than she was when you were with her? What could she possibly have to offer you now that you haven't already had hundreds of times before?

Just cut bait, man. Why keep putting yourself through this?

What Santa said... .

[Perfidy]

My advice to you eclectic. It's the gut feeling that you have right now. I will be your gut. Get as far away from her as you can and stay that way. It will still suck. It will suck way more if you do anything else. Contact will only bring pain. Stalking will bring pain. She's not a friend.

Having said that, I know you need to experience pain to be motivated and its not my place to deprive you of any quality suffering. BPD comes in three grades. Consumer grade, commercial grade and weapon grade.

[xPaintedBlackx]

Is your ex my ex?

[ShadowDancer]

What the... .

You have no enemies?

With friends like that... .

You eventually will!

[irishmarmot]

I like that weapons grade BPD Perfidy.  I can relate.  Also past behavior is a good indicator of future behavior.   I can relate to that also after breaking NC.  I had to learn the hard way, I'll see how much damage I have caused myself in the near future.  Never underestimate the power of the dark side!  Just kidding of course It is the illness but I don't know if they realize how they destroy people's lives.

[Changingman]

They are your enemy, they are everyones enemy, they are their own enemy. Go and read a BPD blog, it's enlightening

I love this man with all the tears I cry with my very being

Next post

He deserves better, the best man I have ever known and I am sleeping behind his back

Next post

Why doesn't he get it, I hate him

These are the ones not hiding and trying therapy!

[Learning_curve74]

eclectic, it sounds like you are trying to be her friend, is that correct? Are you happy to have her at the level of "just friends", not "friends with benefits", not "friends but maybe becoming more than friends"? Realize that as a person with BPD, she is mentally ill, when she cuts you off or goes silent, it's not personal against you, that's her dysfunctional coping strategy.

You said that you feel like it's "crazy" for you to think it can stay at this level of friendship. That's reasonable considering your past history with her. However one question to ask yourself is why shouldn't that be possible? It takes two people for any relationship, and you are fully in charge of your side. You can have boundaries, and in fact, it is vitally important for you to have boundaries when it comes to any type of relationship with a pwBPD whether it is as an SO or simply friends. Here is a good discussion about it: Boundaries: Living our values.

"Just friends" shouldn't be enmeshed. In fact, lovers shouldn't be enmeshed, at least not in a healthy relationship.

[State85]

eclectic

My exgf wants to be “friends” right now. I’m very hesitant. I tried this once before on the previous break up. We were friends. Next thing I know, we’re more than friends if you know what I mean. She hooked me again. Although we both considered ourselves to be friends, she still controlled me. In some ways controlled me more than she did when we were in a r/s.  The rages were more profound, the damage done to my house more escalated, etc., etc., etc. She continued to be what she said was “friends” with all of her other ex’s, which cannot seem to let go of. And I’m pretty sure they were receiving benefits as well. So, I was caught up in the same crap as before.

They want control, whether that be in a r/s, or just being “friends”.

Be careful!

[strikeforce]

The guy that she is seeing right now is possibly the one she was seeing while she was still with you, or left and went with after you two broke up.

Now he is at the devaluation stage and she wants to get back with you and mess this poor guy about.

See what I and the rest are saying my friend?

You need to get her out of your life 100% or there will be pain and suffering much worse than before.

[eclectic]

The guy that she is seeing right now is possibly the one she was seeing while she was still with you, or left and went with after you two broke up.

Now he is at the devaluation stage and she wants to get back with you and mess this poor guy about.

See what I and the rest are saying my friend?

You need to get her out of your life 100% or there will be pain and suffering much worse than before.

I definitely understand what you are saying, but as most of you know, I still love her, and that is a lot easier said than done, just kicking her to the curb, I feel like, when she kicked me to the curb, I was strong enough to handle it, but I don't know that she is, through no fault of her own, because if their past, and so many turning their backs on them, I always promised her when we were together, that I wouldn't turn my back on her, and she appreciated that, at least she said she did, when she turned her back on me, I was shocked, but the more I have learned about this, when she called back 6 months later, and was not met with anger, I guess it seems like she would see, I respected her space, that she asked for, but I did not turn my back on her, when she contacted me I have accepted her back into my life with open arms, and I guess it just wishful thinking on my part that she will realize, I was always true to my words to her.