Chances to get him back?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hello everyone,

I have been posting in the leaving and detaching forum before, as I have been left by my undiagnosed (but most possibly - according to my therapist and what I have been reading here) BPD ex boyfriend. He dumped me once before, but we got back together 'kind of', but it lasted only 1.5 weeks, when the same argument for dumping me was used again (after a temper tantrum, unrelated to anything I did or said, and my walking out in that moment): he is stressed with work, he can't deal with a relationship, he is someone who should be alone - at least for the next 10 years, he is no good for me, I am great, but he's sorry, I have to move on.

I am pretty set on not wanting to get back together with him, I realise that I can't change him and that it would be the same thing over again. However, as I am now starting to understand the psychology of BPD and the break-up (and how it occurred) suddenly starts making a little bit of sense, I am wondering about the psychology of getting back together. What makes BPD men want to rekindle a relationship? Particularly those who were the dumpers. Mine wants to be friends now (I said no), and I see him at least 3x/week at work. I am wondering, if I inform myself enough about BPD and I realise that the pain of being apart is too great and I do want him back after all (because I love him. and I think he is a great, smart, funny guy), how should I approach this? I would be very grateful for any advice.

[tabular]

Hello everyone,

I have been posting in the leaving and detaching forum before, as I have been left by my undiagnosed (but most possibly - according to my therapist and what I have been reading here) BPD ex boyfriend. He dumped me once before, but we got back together 'kind of', but it lasted only 1.5 weeks, when the same argument for dumping me was used again (after a temper tantrum, unrelated to anything I did or said, and my walking out in that moment): he is stressed with work, he can't deal with a relationship, he is someone who should be alone - at least for the next 10 years, he is no good for me, I am great, but he's sorry, I have to move on.

I am pretty set on not wanting to get back together with him, I realise that I can't change him and that it would be the same thing over again. However, as I am now starting to understand the psychology of BPD and the break-up (and how it occurred) suddenly starts making a little bit of sense, I am wondering about the psychology of getting back together. What makes BPD men want to rekindle a relationship? Particularly those who were the dumpers. Mine wants to be friends now (I said no), and I see him at least 3x/week at work. I am wondering, if I inform myself enough about BPD and I realise that the pain of being apart is too great and I do want him back after all (because I love him. and I think he is a great, smart, funny guy), how should I approach this? I would be very grateful for any advice.

[NoCRV]

Hi Tabular,

I spend more time reading than posting but I thought I would share my story.  I was like you in a short relationship with an uBPDex.  We were together for a year.  She painted her ex black than black and during our relationship he would send her some mean text and some offering to take her away for the weekend.  We had fights but usually only lasted during the workday and everything was back to norm by the evening.  One fight I was actually responsible for I avoided her for the week and we didn't talk.  I finally gave in and she told me she was done with the relationship.  Guess what?  Shes back together with her ex.  She's not rekindling her relationship with her ex, she is attaching on to him because she cannot be alone with herself.  Her family has attempted to talk me into getting back together with her because they saw how our relationship was progressing and how she was around me and there is no future with the ex.  Part of me tells that I love her unconditionally and it could work and part of me sees the opportunity to find someone who could actually provide me a healthy relationship.  I know a lot of these BPD relationships have been recycled but I can't see it happening in my situation.  I am finally starting to think with my head and not my heart.  My advice to you is to go No Contact and get out of the FOG and make yourself a better person.  Another member suggested looking up the threads of Gulfstream Graduates.  Just type that into the Google Search above on the page and it should bring up the threads.  I strongly suggest reading his threads.  Oh yeah and sorry, I know you wanted to know about BPD men but it's the same illness!

Be Well

[tabular]

NoCRV thank you very much for your reply! I will check out the thread you suggested. And GOD DO I ENVY YOU that you have made a decision and are sticking to it. I am in complete limbo-land as of today. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

To make things worse, 3 days NC was interrupted by bloody linked in which decided to send out invitations to all my gmail contacts, including him. I withdrew the invite when I realised, but he still got the invitation email. urgh... .

[NoCRV]

My pleasure Tabular.  NC is tough but it is a means to survival.  I responded cordially to one of the BPDex's family members during the holidays which set me back about a week.  A text for a week of my mental well being?  A hour phone call that put me in the FOG for two weeks?  Don't be envious of me, I am still working through this as you are.  It's not a linear process but with NC and time it gets a lot better.