One Month of NC, almost ruined...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So last Friday was my exBPD gf's birthday.  I shot her a text, she didn't respond.  Just a simple, "Happy Birthday".  I was conflicted all week after landing an interview with a large research university here in Indiana and I was so bummed not to be able to share it with her.  So that's what motivated me, now I'm past it after spending the weekend with two different women who both made me feel pretty incredible. 

I've been dating a lot since the new year and ending our relationship on Xmas eve after she treated me really badly over the phone and even told me the break she asked for was just a nice way breaking up with me.  I talked to her later that day and while I think she wanted to retract what she had said I didn't give her the chance telling her, "I'm done, this is over, I'm moving on, and I don't want to hear from you anymore."  She was crying when I said goodbye, but that is no indicator of what she was really feeling. 

So now after our nearly month long break and subsequent break up I'm feeling really dissatisfied with the outcome.  I don't feel like I had any closure and I am left wondering why she wanted a break.  She gave so many reasons, feeling controlled, not wanting to relocate with me if I got another job, not being able to take care of her, I wasn't nurturing enough, we fought too much in the last two months, I was too sensitive, I was just like her and she couldn't stand it.  The last one was insulting.  She lives at home and she's 42, she's been there four years now.  This was the result of losing her job for sleeping with 18 y/o male students at her school where she was the art teacher. 

So do I reach out for contact to have a discussion about this.  Before you all jump on me and say no way consider that I'm crying every day, I miss her incredibly, and despite feeling great with other women I still cannot forget about her long enough to even enjoy sex.  I need this closure.  What would be the best way to get her to agree to one last talk?  I mean that ONE LAST talk. 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

So last Friday was my exBPD gf's birthday.  I shot her a text, she didn't respond.  Just a simple, "Happy Birthday".  I was conflicted all week after landing an interview with a large research university here in Indiana and I was so bummed not to be able to share it with her.  So that's what motivated me, now I'm past it after spending the weekend with two different women who both made me feel pretty incredible. 

I've been dating a lot since the new year and ending our relationship on Xmas eve after she treated me really badly over the phone and even told me the break she asked for was just a nice way breaking up with me.  I talked to her later that day and while I think she wanted to retract what she had said I didn't give her the chance telling her, "I'm done, this is over, I'm moving on, and I don't want to hear from you anymore."  She was crying when I said goodbye, but that is no indicator of what she was really feeling. 

So now after our nearly month long break and subsequent break up I'm feeling really dissatisfied with the outcome.  I don't feel like I had any closure and I am left wondering why she wanted a break.  She gave so many reasons, feeling controlled, not wanting to relocate with me if I got another job, not being able to take care of her, I wasn't nurturing enough, we fought too much in the last two months, I was too sensitive, I was just like her and she couldn't stand it.  The last one was insulting.  She lives at home and she's 42, she's been there four years now.  This was the result of losing her job for sleeping with 18 y/o male students at her school where she was the art teacher. 

So do I reach out for contact to have a discussion about this.  Before you all jump on me and say no way consider that I'm crying every day, I miss her incredibly, and despite feeling great with other women I still cannot forget about her long enough to even enjoy sex.  I need this closure.  What would be the best way to get her to agree to one last talk?  I mean that ONE LAST talk. 

[CoasterRider]

It's never "ONE LAST TALK" dude we aren't going to "jump on you" we know exactly what you are going through that is why we are ALL on here. We know what you want to do, why it is you really want to do it (even if you aren't willing to be honest about it) and we all know what the outcome will be. Either you getting sucked back in or ending up even more upset and frustrated because you didn't get the closure you were looking for. Trust me, you never do.

You're just trying to reconnect because the chance for even a minute to feel better by reengaging her is worth the two steps back you will take by doing it. Your just looking for another hit of the drug, but that only makes you have to start the detox process all over again.

Just my two cents

[Grissum69]

It's never "ONE LAST TALK" dude we aren't going to "jump on you" we know exactly what you are going through that is why we are ALL on here. We know what you want to do, why it is you really want to do it (even if you aren't willing to be honest about it) and we all know what the outcome will be. Either you getting sucked back in or ending up even more upset and frustrated because you didn't get the closure you were looking for. Trust me, you never do.

You're just trying to reconnect because the chance for even a minute to feel better by reengaging her is worth the two steps back you will take by doing it. Your just looking for another hit of the drug, but that only makes you have to start the detox process all over again.

Just my two cents

Right on Coaster !

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This board is a disappointment to me.  Not only do most of my post, appealing for help, end up being personal rants that have little to nothing to do with my issues I also have the pleasure of enduring the arrogant, self-important fueled advice of someone who doesn't really concern themselves with the outcome.  No instead you use this as a chance to make a declaration about how you've got it "together" or have really "moved on". 

I'll know you've moved on when you can show some sympathy, empathy, and kindness to those in your life suffering through BPD.  No man she isn't healthy, no she isn't a nice girl all of the time, and no her family, including my best friend, no longer side with me after just a few weeks because of her insistence that nothing is her fault and I was controlling her.  But I do love her and I care about her.  I want to talk with her for my own reasons, mostly to make sure I don't get sucked into another relationship with a borderline.  And I'll admit it, I miss her and still love her after a month of NC.  It sucks, I hate it, and I know she has totally moved on and is over me and probably is dating another guy by now, though I have no proof of this. 

[spark2]

This board is a disappointment to me.  Not only do most of my post, appealing for help, end up being personal rants that have little to nothing to do with my issues I also have the pleasure of enduring the arrogant, self-important fueled advice of someone who doesn't really concern themselves with the outcome.  No instead you use this as a chance to make a declaration about how you've got it "together" or have really "moved on". 

I'll know you've moved on when you can show some sympathy, empathy, and kindness to those in your life suffering through BPD.  No man she isn't healthy, no she isn't a nice girl all of the time, and no her family, including my best friend, no longer side with me after just a few weeks because of her insistence that nothing is her fault and I was controlling her.  But I do love her and I care about her.  I want to talk with her for my own reasons, mostly to make sure I don't get sucked into another relationship with a borderline.  And I'll admit it, I miss her and still love her after a month of NC.  It sucks, I hate it, and I know she has totally moved on and is over me and probably is dating another guy by now, though I have no proof of this. 

Maybe the undecided or staying board would help you more?

Sounds like you may want to take a different path rather than disengaging.

[Waifed]

I don't think anything that was posted was inappropriate.  I do believe that your wounds are still very fresh and you are confused, angry and hurting deeply.  It is very hard to make rational decisions when you are in pain like this.  No one can truly answer the question that you asked but yourself.  We are all individuals and have handled our situations differently.  Those of us who have been here for a while have seen many other members cycle in to the leaving board just like we did.  Unfortunately the results are typically the same in almost every case.  Each borderline relationship is different but they do tend to follow a general pattern.  The ending of the relationship is often the most difficult because the pwBPD is very dysregulated because the non is questioning some of the craziness of the relationship.  The pwBPD begins to panic due to fear of abandonment and often reacts by doing things that are even more outlandish than before.  Basically it gets ugly and the non is hurt worse the longer they stay or the more they recycle. 

It is very difficult to stay away from your pwBPD.  It IS like an addiction.  You are probably in the FOG and this makes it even more difficult to cope with the pain.  You must do what you want to do at this point.  You must reach a point where your pain is worse than your desire to be/communicate with your pwBPD.  This time will most likely come for you.  We all wanted closure and few of us actually got anything even close to it.  I literally asked for closure and she could not even come close to it.

You are going to go through many stages of feeling good and then all of the sudden the pain will return for a period of time.  The sinking feeling in your stomach will stay with you for a while.  It is normal and most of us go through it as well.  The pain and hurt will become more and more manageable. Eventually the hurt will begin to subside and you will have more good days than bad.  This is not an easy process and it takes time.  It really stinks.  Your body will move back and forth between the stages of grief.  Just roll with it.  I recommend learning everything you can about BPD so that your mind can process everything that you have gone through.  Search inside yourself and try to find out what kept you in a relationship that was probably pretty toxic at times.  Many on here learn that they have codependency issues stemming from childhood.  Some were severe, others subtle.     

The people on the boards are here for each other.  We often do relate our stories to the posts.  It is a way to vent while still helping others.  Please don't get discouraged.  Good luck to you

[Starlight607]

Hey Sheaskedforabreak

I find this site quite interesting as some have been posting for a while and messaging each other and offer so much support etc in their responses to each other. I have found reading posts and responses far more helpful than asking for advice or support personally. You are new and like me don't always get the responses you perhaps need. In a way many here are so needy themselves because of the hurt and trauma they want to vent and as you know we have been through so much with these messed up partners, relatives etc.

I really sympathise with what you are feeling. It is so hard to relate to a situation where you naturally want to have a sensible, reasonable conversation based around the close relationship you once had. It is the most horrible feeling to see also you have probably been replaced too. Such rejection even when you know the relationship was horrible a lot of the time is so very painful. What is probably going to happen if you approach her for one last talk is if you are of no interest to her at the moment she will simply ignore you. That will hurt you and could eat you up inside. It is so hard to move on and I think many on this site do know how you feel. It takes strength and the knowledge it is ok to be single for a while. That can be so difficult to accept and I know I found that an issue for a long time. I, too, wanted that closure and that last conversation. It still has not happened and I have struggled myself with that so I totally understand. The hurt you are going through when you miss someone and love someone but know it had to end is horrendous. What you are feeling is normal and it feels like it will never end. She has been so stupid professionally. Again behaviour out of our thinking.

I sympathise, I empathise completely and your pain is very real. I also have to agree with Coaster in that closure just does not happen in a lot of borderline relationships one last conversation will be a waste of your emotional energy and it sucks but that is one big step forward for us all when we accept that.

Keep busy, look after you and get through each day. It may sound like easier said than done but it really does work. Small steps. I have been where you are, I am not out of the woods yet and some times I do think about my ex Bpd bf and get very sad. The relationship was toxic though and every day I now wake up not worrying or stressing about him and us. You have been NC for a month so I am really teaching you to suck eggs. Small steps and don't expect her to think as you do so that last conversation that makes sense to you will probably not be of any consequence to her unless she wants to re connect and for how long! Don't do it to yourself.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Starlight,

You compassion and understanding is so welcome.  I'm sorry I got a little tough with Costal, but I don't feel like my emotions are so simple as to just "move on" and "forget about it".  The advice was well intentioned, but I didn't take it. 

I messed up and called her, left two voice mails, sent an email.  She hasn't responded, probably won't, and I'm ok with that.  I hate myself, she's killed my self confidence, and I'm so lonely even though I have a date every night of the week (if I want) with women that are younger, prettier, and much more professionally successful than her.  She is 42 and living with her mom and dad.  She bailed on me at a time I needed her and I can't let her go.  I'm stuck guys.  Emailing her and calling twice wasn't what got me here, it isn't what's keeping me here.  It's just what I did today to ease the pain.  She'll never contact me, obviously she's moved on. 

[joekro]

Hello Sheaskedforabreak,

This is my first day on the site and its clear to me that the catharsis can sometimes be "in your face" and other times gentle. I know exactly how you feel, she is probably the most compelling creature you have ever laid eyes on. She makes you feel alive and important. The relationship ended in Dec and I haven't had contact with my girl (that's what I call her) in a week. It was the sixth "last call" we've had and every time I slide back to the moment it ended and the struggle starts all over again, however, I haven't been able to bring myself to change my #. I've decided to be there for her if she needs me, but I will not contact her. You're not alone brother. Each of us here are in perpetual limbo even if some of us have managed to move on. Loving, and being loved by a borderline is unlike any relationship known by the human condition. Magic.

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Starlight,

You compassion and understanding is so welcome.  I'm sorry I got a little tough with Costal, but I don't feel like my emotions are so simple as to just "move on" and "forget about it".  The advice was well intentioned, but I didn't take it. 

I messed up and called her, left two voice mails, sent an email.  She hasn't responded, probably won't, and I'm ok with that.  I hate myself, she's killed my self confidence, and I'm so lonely even though I have a date every night of the week (if I want) with women that are younger, prettier, and much more professionally successful than her.  She is 42 and living with her mom and dad.  She bailed on me at a time I needed her and I can't let her go.  I'm stuck guys.  Emailing her and calling twice wasn't what got me here, it isn't what's keeping me here.  It's just what I did today to ease the pain.  She'll never contact me, obviously she's moved on. 

Sheaskedforabreak,

I think what maybe happening to you is everyone here is at different stages of healing. I think in the beginning what we tend to need is just a sympathetic ear and some validation. However those that are further along are in the "facing the facts" mode and are just compelled to tell it like it is. I have often noticed the different stages crashing together. All are well meaning though. Btw. Sorry for what you are going through.

With that said this might not be the time to say this but what jumps out at me in your posts is you keep commenting on all the woman you are seeing. You just broke up at Christmas. Even for a normal break up that would be too soon.  you may want to consider that it is way to early for dating and it could be hurting you more not to mention the woman you are seeing.  There is a lot of healing and self reflection that needs to be done. Just my 2 cents not judging.

[santa]

One thing you've really got to understand, SheAskedForABreak, is that a month isn't a very long time. This is all still very fresh to you and you're still wrapped up in the emotions of it. I know I was there at one point and I'm sure most of the people here were too. You loved her. You're upset by the way things ended. You want to make things right. There's no shame in that. I wanted to do the same thing.

What you've really got to be realistic about though is that she isn't the person you think she is. She's not the girl you remember from your relationship. She's someone else entirely. She's not going to respond to you the way a normal person would. She's not going to make you feel any better about this than you do right now. Chances are, talking to her is going to make you feel worse.

This feeling you have isn't going away any time soon. You're going to be hurting over this for awhile. You've got to man up though and suck it up. You're going to feel a million times better about this in a few months. Just give yourself some time. Trust me. It's going to be ok. You've just got to hang in there.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I can accept that I will eventually feel better.  What you don't see is the times I'm in my car driving to or from work and I just wail and keep my focus on the road and never look at another soul in traffic for fear of being seen crying.  I'm manning up by letting those tears flow brothers and sisters.  I sit in church, alone and pray to God, not to bring her back, but to help me forget about her and how I really feel, I love her.  I beg for a hardened heart.  There have already been casualties due to my relationship limbo, I won't stop seeing other women.  I just won't be alone, feeling rejected, and so suicidal I'm afraid I'm the one with BPD.  No I won't hurt anyone, just disappoint them.  I've been up front that I won't be marrying anyone anytime soon and I'm not able to be "in a relationship" for another year.  I love this discussion, it finally feels real.   

[santa]

I can accept that I will eventually feel better.  What you don't see is the times I'm in my car driving to or from work and I just wail and keep my focus on the road and never look at another soul in traffic for fear of being seen crying.  I'm manning up by letting those tears flow brothers and sisters.  I sit in church, alone and pray to God, not to bring her back, but to help me forget about her and how I really feel, I love her.  I beg for a hardened heart.  There have already been casualties due to my relationship limbo, I won't stop seeing other women.  I just won't be alone, feeling rejected, and so suicidal I'm afraid I'm the one with BPD.  No I won't hurt anyone, just disappoint them.  I've been up front that I won't be marrying anyone anytime soon and I'm not able to be "in a relationship" for another year.  I love this discussion, it finally feels real.  

I've definitely cried in my car over this and choked back tears in public. I actually prayed for a hardened heart, same as you. It's pretty cool we both asked for that. Lol

I think I actually received mine because I really don't miss my ex at this point. We have a daughter together and my ex essentially took her away from me, so I'm pretty disappointed about that. I have really lost any respect I ever had for my ex though. I think what she did is foolish. People have minds of their own though. I really relate to what you're going through. There's nothing anyone can do or say that is going to make you feel any better. It's just going to sting for awhile.

There's an article here somewhere about splitting for nons. It really helped me a lot. It's basically about how BPD people split you into black or white, but when you think about her after the relationship ends, you basically do the same thing. You either think about all the great times the two of you had together or you think about the bad stuff that happened. The article suggests that instead of separating the two, that you look at her as the combination of the two. My ex was at times my favorite person on Earth and then at other times a complete monster. I can't think about her as one or the other. It's got to be a unified version of the two. I found it helpful.

[joekro]

Easy now, I think we have all had the episodes of melancholy where tears flowed like Niagra Falls with no way of stopping them. I do sympathize.

My BPDGF liked it when I would compose poems and music for her, so, a way that I hold on to her while still letting her go is by continuing this in her absence. I'm sure there were special things you did for her in you're relationship, perhaps you could cherish the memory in an active, artistic fashion.

I would like to say that it is a wonderful thing to live in this day in age, with the resources available for us, the non, but more importantly, for the BPD's we love so much. They are the real victims.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

So I threw away my month of NC and reached out to her yesterday.  I emailed, called, and sent a text.  She responded via email last night, but said she was too tired to talk.  Today she asked me to talk tonight, but I had a date so I told her I couldn't.  She and I are going to talk on Sunday.  Any advice for what to expect.  I blew my month of NC for this guys and gals... .   I hope I don't regret it. 

[myself]

Are you looking for closure, or a way in?

[irishmarmot]

My advice is to go ahead and talk with her and see how she reacts.  Also see how you feel afterwards and then determine your course of action.  There is no right or wrong thing to do.  You are responsible for your own happiness and if you are happier with her then without then I wish the best for you.

[charred]

Welcome.

The connection is more intense than your common sense is... and we all have been there.

Quick explanation of whats going on.

If you tend to be anxious, and keep people at a distance... and meet a pwBPD... they can get past the defenses/boundaries that keep people at a safe distance. They idealize you and give what appears to be unconditional love... which if you didn't get enough of that from your FOO early on... is intoxicating and you can't get enough of it. After a bit you idealize them back... and put them on a pedestal, and your common sense leaves the building. Then the pwBPD's disorder kicks in a bit, and they argue and abuse you... but instead of standing your ground, you react to them like a child does to a parent... you appease, take it, wine, beg, ... but end up taking a lot of abuse, and thinking it is your fault and then jumping through hoops to appease them. You want to be free of them, they drive you crazy... then when you are free of them... the pain is incredible... it can be worse than a parent dying... not like any normal breakup. So when you get a chance to be with them you may jump on it.

However it won't be as good as the first time... well the good part of the first time... . the bad parts will be worse, and come sooner. The pwBPD remembers every little argument, everything you said... . but somehow blanks out all the horrible stuff they did.  The amazing sex... gets creepy or stops... and the rages and abuse get worse. Meanwhile you are push/pulled so much you have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, keeping your job... and your stress level goes up, up, up.  Eventually you get back to wanting to breakup... and the cycle and recycling goes on.

Went through it at least 7 times... and still think of her and have moments I want to lie to myself and think it could work somehow.

If you want her back... the easiest way is detachment... if she isn't already with someone she thinks is better... she can flip and pursue you like crazy... sometimes that works well.

What finally ended the cycle for me... was stress... and concern she was going to kill me when she was mad... have never seen such intense loathing/hatred with absolutely nothing held back... . she could easily stab me 27 times, slit my throat and shoot me twice (I think Jodi Arias is her twin at least in personality.) I am sure your lady is lovely and you don't have these concerns... . or not yet anyway.

The stress led me to my doctor who refused to give me anti-anxiety meds... . said therapy worked better, see a T and run, don't walk away from that woman. I went to a T, he got me doing mindfulness work, and my stress went away and I started thinking clearly again... and realized I was apologizing for my existence to someone that was being horrible to me... . but I was still drawn to her. So decided I was going to keep reality based... and saw her a few more times. Anything she claimed that was likely untrue... I called her on, when she made insults... I pointed them out and made it clear my boundaries were not being violated,... . anyway... we were together a grand total of maybe an hour... . then had calls, and continuing to make it clear that I didn't believe whatever she said because she said it... crimped her style so much it was over.

Someone calls the shots in most r/s... and when it is a disordered wack job... your life is going to be hell. Reclaim your life... treat her as an equal... and demand truth/fairplay/justice... . and you will be a free very soon. They are like a con man... when the gig is up, and people are on to them, they look for easier marks.  Accepting how they are, forgiving yourself for whatever mistakes you made and forgiving them... gets you headed toward recovery.

We can't tell you "don't do it"... when we have done the same thing, over and over... . the "don't do it"... isn't being mean, its trying to be kind.

[SweetCharlotte]

I hate myself, she's killed my self confidence, and I'm so lonely even though I have a date every night of the week (if I want) with women that are younger, prettier, and much more professionally successful than her.  She is 42 and living with her mom and dad.

She may be dysfunctional, but she's not a dummy. She can sense that you feel this way about her. Knowing that the dark side of you is drawn to the dark side of her, she would feel insecure even if you gave it another try. If you can say these things about her, and you're already sleeping with these women you regard as better (just not enjoying it), then it is not really love. Are you going to bed with these new women too soon, before there is an emotional connection? Are they really that great or are you mainly looking at a checklist? (young √, pretty √, gainfully employed √). Maybe if you take some time to let a relationship form, you will not be disappointed after intimacy when you find the connection you had with your BPDexgf is not there.

About getting closure, it is elusive. You may never get closure, except to say that it was an unhealthy relationship. Or years may pass and you may find out who she wound up with; by that time you'll be with someone else. Then it will be clear that you were wrong for each other. If you are headed into a good job at a research university, a former high school teacher who lost her career by sleeping with students is not a suitable partner for you. It could cause you to lose your job down the line when it gets out. Let her find someone with less to lose and she will feel more secure (hope she has reformed though and doesn't turn pedophile!).

[santa]

Welcome.

The connection is more intense than your common sense is... and we all have been there.

Quick explanation of whats going on.

If you tend to be anxious, and keep people at a distance... and meet a pwBPD... they can get past the defenses/boundaries that keep people at a safe distance. They idealize you and give what appears to be unconditional love... which if you didn't get enough of that from your FOO early on... is intoxicating and you can't get enough of it. After a bit you idealize them back... and put them on a pedestal, and your common sense leaves the building. Then the pwBPD's disorder kicks in a bit, and they argue and abuse you... but instead of standing your ground, you react to them like a child does to a parent... you appease, take it, wine, beg, ... but end up taking a lot of abuse, and thinking it is your fault and then jumping through hoops to appease them. You want to be free of them, they drive you crazy... then when you are free of them... the pain is incredible... it can be worse than a parent dying... not like any normal breakup. So when you get a chance to be with them you may jump on it.

However it won't be as good as the first time... well the good part of the first time... . the bad parts will be worse, and come sooner. The pwBPD remembers every little argument, everything you said... . but somehow blanks out all the horrible stuff they did.  The amazing sex... gets creepy or stops... and the rages and abuse get worse. Meanwhile you are push/pulled so much you have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, keeping your job... and your stress level goes up, up, up.  Eventually you get back to wanting to breakup... and the cycle and recycling goes on.

Went through it at least 7 times... and still think of her and have moments I want to lie to myself and think it could work somehow.

If you want her back... the easiest way is detachment... if she isn't already with someone she thinks is better... she can flip and pursue you like crazy... sometimes that works well.

What finally ended the cycle for me... was stress... and concern she was going to kill me when she was mad... have never seen such intense loathing/hatred with absolutely nothing held back... . she could easily stab me 27 times, slit my throat and shoot me twice (I think Jodi Arias is her twin at least in personality.) I am sure your lady is lovely and you don't have these concerns... . or not yet anyway.

The stress led me to my doctor who refused to give me anti-anxiety meds... . said therapy worked better, see a T and run, don't walk away from that woman. I went to a T, he got me doing mindfulness work, and my stress went away and I started thinking clearly again... and realized I was apologizing for my existence to someone that was being horrible to me... . but I was still drawn to her. So decided I was going to keep reality based... and saw her a few more times. Anything she claimed that was likely untrue... I called her on, when she made insults... I pointed them out and made it clear my boundaries were not being violated,... . anyway... we were together a grand total of maybe an hour... . then had calls, and continuing to make it clear that I didn't believe whatever she said because she said it... crimped her style so much it was over.

Someone calls the shots in most r/s... and when it is a disordered wack job... your life is going to be hell. Reclaim your life... treat her as an equal... and demand truth/fairplay/justice... . and you will be a free very soon. They are like a con man... when the gig is up, and people are on to them, they look for easier marks.  Accepting how they are, forgiving yourself for whatever mistakes you made and forgiving them... gets you headed toward recovery.

We can't tell you "don't do it"... when we have done the same thing, over and over... . the "don't do it"... isn't being mean, its trying to be kind.

Bravo, man. This is beautiful. Everyone should read this at least once.

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

 Hello SheAskedforaBreak, Brother, I can feel your anguish and torment, I am truly sorry for what you are going thru. I am going thru this as well, your situation and mine are quite similar.  After dating for well over a year, my BPDgf left me on Dec. 29th 2013. (after cashing in on all of her xmas presents, she said it was the best xmas she had had since her chilhood). It came out of nowhere, no goodbyes, no remorse, no humanity, JUST GONE!  She was the kindest, most beautiful, charming, sexy woman I had ever known.  I loved/love her unconditionally.  From the first time we were ever together I was hooked, the way she looked at me, the way she touched me,  the way she loved me was like nothing I had ever known before (and Ive been married twice).  She made me feel like a KING, and I fell HARD!  Brother, Ive been there, hell, Im still there, and youll find hundreds of people on this site that felt, or are going thru this as well. 

  Please take time to read these posts, you find that most of our r/s's started out practically the same way. You meet them, their really into you, they treat you better than anyone has ever treated you before, they make you feel as though they and you have never known love like this, ( BPD's/bipolar's) love you 1000%, at first, they suck you in.  Then one day, it all starts to unravel, sure it starts out kinda gradual at first, almost imperceptible. You think to yourself, "it must have been something I said or did that made her upset", as time goes by, this way of thinking becomes second nature to you as you try to "work harder, love harder", and as time goes by you find yourself accepting her "episodes",  these "subtle changes" become more prevalent.  The "great, loving, cherished" moments that were so incredible at first, start to decline.  You wonder what has happened to the intensity that used to be there, you start to change, you start limiting your opinions about things, you start trying to avoid controversy by thinking and rethinking everything thing you say or do, even the littlest thing can become catastrophic!  And still all you know to do is, "try to love them harder", "give them more and more of your time", (because the fear of being abandoned is paramount to them), and you become more accepting of their issues.  But this does not work, this is counter-productive!

  By the time your r/s reaches its final stage, youve argued, cried, pleaded. Youve been told that they made a big mistake by being with you, that they dont love you anymore.  They will say the most devastating things they can think of.  They mean to cut you as deep as they can and they are very good at it.  By now you have very little (if any) self esteem left. You start to feel "unworthy",  you start to question everything about everything, because everything you thought you knew about love, relationships, LIFE,  has been flipped on its ear... . AND YOURE ALWAYS SCARED!   Scared of the rejection, scared of the fights and arguments, scared of "walking on eggshells" all the time and scared that they will leave you!  because they do that ALOT! And thats the reason you will say and do and accept anything!   Soon you look yourself in the mirror and you cant recognize the person staring back at you, youve been "transformed" into their "object"... .

  Ive read hundreds of posts from folks going thru what were going thru, it has helped quite a bit.  I urge you to keep reading and sharing and not get too frustrated, there are some wonderful people here and were all here to help each other... .   Other posts I believe will be very beneficial to you is  "disengaging from a BPD break-up", it will help you to understand that what you and I are feeling right now is nothing new, it will help you to understand that we do not have a monopoly on this kind of heartache.  You and I are just the product of someone who doesnt possess the mental capasity to love us like we love them, they simply cannot... .

   The things they said, the things they promised, they way they looked at you when they swore their undying love and commitment to you was true for them, at the time, but it wasnt truth!  My baby spent two hours online making her "wish list" for our marriage not two weeks before she dissapeared and abandoned me and went back to her estranged husband,... . go figure!   Its been a month this Sunday, shes deleted "our" fb page, changed her number and changed her email accts.  Theres been no contact at all, except for a letter I rec'd yest from her telling me that I didnt return certain items, after she abandoned me on the other side of the state and left me here to pack up all her and the kids belongings.  (I cannot describe the utter devastation in my heart when I had to come back to an empty house and take down the xmas tree and all the decorations).  She threatened to seek "legal action" against me if I didnt return them... .   Oh, and the return address was marked with "Mr. & Mrs xxxxxx"  I guess taking my heart and soul wasnt enough, she had to break it off in me one more time with that... .   I guess the point Im trying to make to you is that,  Im starting to realize that this wonderful, beautiful, perfect woman that Im so incredibly in love with, (STILL)  was never the person I thought she was, and as hard as it is to accept, It wasnt EVER going to work, no matter how hard I tried, no matter how much I loved her and you have to accept this reality as well.  I still break down 2-3 times a day, its fricken horrible!

Regardless of what Im doing or where Im at, a certain thought, a certain smell, or song and Im eyebrow deep into it and my heart breaks all over again,... . REALIZATION DOES NOT EQUAL PEACE OF MIND"

  If you decide to see this woman again, just know that without a full, firm commitment from her on getting the help she needs (and alot of time), your situation will NEVER get any better.  But in my heart, I hope she gets the help she needs and you and her get the chance to be happy forever!  I know what my baby means to me, and I would do anything to help her get better and for us to be happy together too... .

   Good luck and God bless... .

 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Hey I have to say Charlotte made some great points and perhaps I have a lot to think about.  I'm probably screwed up worse than I realize.  Maybe she would be happy with a guy who isn't going anywhere.  Her sister even said that maybe she'd have never left if I wasn't going places.  I don't know.  She wants to talk on Sunday and I'm not sure what I'm going to say.  I'm scared... .

[SheAskedForaBreak]

RMousey, your post sounds a lot like a short intense long distance relationship I had with a girl from Indiana, we grew up together, while I was living in Los Angeles.  She was definitely a borderline and basically did the same thing to me.  I'm sorry for your experience brother, you deserve better.  By the way if she left things at the house she can't win in court.  I'd just ignore any further correspondence.  She's just trying to brew up drama and make you look bad.  I know I'm lucky in a sense that my ex still wants to talk to me, but let's face it she doesn't have any options, not as good as me.  I really care about her, but the bottom line is I know she'll hurt herself and I might be the one person to stop that.  I had a high school girlfriend that killed herself with a needle and a huge dose of H.  I won't let that happen again. 

[TheRoadtoNowhere]

  Greetings SheaskedforaBreak, I hope youre doing better this morning. Brother I really empathize with your experience in high school, I cant even imagine what that must have been like.  Thank you for your kind words, and btw, I was born and raised in So. Cal. (Newport Beach), spent LOTS of time in L.A.  small world ... .   I can totally get where you are coming from, as far as wanting to love, save and protect your lady. I too am the same way!

  For as much as Ive read, even when everybody tells me to run away, I find it impossible.  I pray for her every night and I thank God for every moment I ever spent with her, and just like you, I want nothing more than just to be able to hold and protect my baby. I wish you all the luck in the world with that, you seem like a good man!  Me and you deserve to be happy.  Its a month tomm, and every morning I find myself looking at my phone and emails to see if she has tried to contact me,... . but she hasnt!  and  everyday my heart breaks just a little more.  I cant even believe theres anything left to break, I feel black and hollow inside.  Nothing makes any sense and I struggle just to get thru the day.  Even when I "know" its probably for the best, the haunting, dreadful feeling in my heart wont go away, even after a month, its still there as much as ever.

  People tell me I was just a "fling", that I didnt mean anything to her, and maybe Im just stupid, but I cant let my heart believe that, that would be a reality that I just cant handle, it would probably kill me!  Someone told me the other day in a post that people like you and me are the "damned", we are those poor, unfortunate few that have had this type of relationship, AND WE WILL NEVER BE THE SAME AGAIN!  Noone understands where were coming from unless theyve been in our shoes, and most have not.  Thats why were here, at this forum, its the only place we have to go where the people were talking with have actually either been thru this, or are currently going thru this. One thing is for sure, we have all been "damned"

  Im glad that your lady is still talking to you, at least you still have "some" influence in her life. Be thankful for that, in the past when we would break up, she at least stayed in contact with me, but not this time... No goodbyes, no closure, no moving forward, just a thousand questions that I cant answer and the brain fills in all the questions you cant answer and there never good... . If I might make a suggestion to you my brother, go and see a therapist.  Ive been seeing one for two weeks now, Ill let you know how it goes... . Till then. Take care of yourself man, we're no good to our ladies unless we're  "ok",  relatively speaking... .

  Good luck and God bless,

          Randy M.

 

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Upon looking at what many of the people have said to me on here I think have to face the fact that I'm not healthy.  I had the new woman I'm dating tell me that I talk about my past too much and that she was getting worried about it.  While I really feel strongly about this new relationship I realized that perhaps I am not ready.  I apologized for my behavior, but I haven't heard anything from her since yesterday.  This isn't uncommon, she works third shift as a nurse and we don't talk or text every day.  I'm just leaving it in her court, if she wants to talk I guess I'll hear from her. 

Today my ex-BPD are supposed to talk for the first time in a month.  I'm nervous about it and can't quite get up the nerve to talk with her.  I wanted to hear from her so bad and now I realize I may not be best off to talk to her.  So many things in my life are going well, perhaps this isn't the best idea. 

[joekro]

You've got one month under your belt, perhaps you could make it two. I'm not going to tell you what to do because only you can decide what your course of action will be and should be. It just seems to me that time apart is the key to achieving that moment of clarity, and a little (or alot) of help from this site.

The more you do something, the better you get at it.

Good luck to you today.

[SweetCharlotte]

Oh boy, good luck. Try not to reopen old wounds. Hope you are meeting in a public, well-lit place, like a Starbucks. And say goodbye just outside the door on the pavement.

[joekro]

I don't care who you are, sick or not, nobody wants to be alone. When borderlines feel that emotion it gets out of control, desperate. We nons just have a better and more effective way of dealing with that possibility. Get comfortable with the idea that you may end up alone, and doors will open. You seem to be juggling between wanting a new relationship and holding on to the borderline. Let them both go and see where you land.