Absolute stupidity

[Depression = 72% of members]

I'm not sure what I was thinking about last night but when I woke up, it was pure clarity as well as the feeling of how could I have been so stupid not to see it.

Yesterday I talked about the lies my exBPDgf had fed, about her being single for 5 years but finding out that she jumps from one relationship to the next. She found a replacement within the space of a week but then it struck me too, I too was a replacement, I had to have been because why would I be any different to her consistent pattern. There isn't anything special about me, I didn't stand out from the crowd, but I was made to feel that way and that's why I feel a little stupid 

That got me thinking, when we first met she told me about this creepy guy on FB. He was several years older than her and married but would send her messages telling her he loved her. She was also a little concerned because this guys wife had messaged her too but that she had done nothing wrong and couldn't help it if he was the one expressing feelings to her. She blocked him on FB but needed to tell me from the start in case I saw messages on FB declaring love.

When she finished things the first time, I got blocked on FB last year. When we resolved our differences she unblocked me and I noticed he was unblocked too. I did think that was strange considering all the things she had been saying about him.

I would stake my life on the fact this this is who I replaced, because looking from here now, nothing she said about him made any sense. I would not dream of contacting any of my female friends on FB any declaring undying love to them, promises of running away with them, leaving a wife for them, especially if I didn't really know them. If there was one I liked, I would ask her if she would like to meet up or go out for a drink sometime and actually start from the beginning.

I'm usually quite an intelligent guy, so feel a little dense that I never even picked up on this and it was staring at me right at the very start. He wasn't the crazy one. Ok, he was having an affair behind his wife's back but the emails and messages he sent her were of someone at the end of a relationship. They were begging and pleading messages and given the events of this month, they make perfect sense.

I was his replacement and she played us both 

[Murbay]

I'm not sure what I was thinking about last night but when I woke up, it was pure clarity as well as the feeling of how could I have been so stupid not to see it.

Yesterday I talked about the lies my exBPDgf had fed, about her being single for 5 years but finding out that she jumps from one relationship to the next. She found a replacement within the space of a week but then it struck me too, I too was a replacement, I had to have been because why would I be any different to her consistent pattern. There isn't anything special about me, I didn't stand out from the crowd, but I was made to feel that way and that's why I feel a little stupid 

That got me thinking, when we first met she told me about this creepy guy on FB. He was several years older than her and married but would send her messages telling her he loved her. She was also a little concerned because this guys wife had messaged her too but that she had done nothing wrong and couldn't help it if he was the one expressing feelings to her. She blocked him on FB but needed to tell me from the start in case I saw messages on FB declaring love.

When she finished things the first time, I got blocked on FB last year. When we resolved our differences she unblocked me and I noticed he was unblocked too. I did think that was strange considering all the things she had been saying about him.

I would stake my life on the fact this this is who I replaced, because looking from here now, nothing she said about him made any sense. I would not dream of contacting any of my female friends on FB any declaring undying love to them, promises of running away with them, leaving a wife for them, especially if I didn't really know them. If there was one I liked, I would ask her if she would like to meet up or go out for a drink sometime and actually start from the beginning.

I'm usually quite an intelligent guy, so feel a little dense that I never even picked up on this and it was staring at me right at the very start. He wasn't the crazy one. Ok, he was having an affair behind his wife's back but the emails and messages he sent her were of someone at the end of a relationship. They were begging and pleading messages and given the events of this month, they make perfect sense.

I was his replacement and she played us both 

[Dog biscuit]

Ah, the painfull insights we gather sometimes... .

It doesnt say anything about your intelligence, it says alot about her manipulative ways. I know its hard not to feel stupid for not seeing this, but how can you love someone/ fall in love with someone, when you have to be aware of such ulterior motives?

It has nothing to do with being smart or intelligent, it has to do with trust and integrity. something you obviously are capable of.

[Murbay]

Very true Dog biscuit and if you enter relationships expecting the worst then you get nowhere anyway and only have yourself to blame.

Trust and integrity these days seems to be seen as something of a weakness but to be perfectly honest, I have had thoughts about being less trusting but that isn't who I am. My default setting is to trust everybody until they do something to betray that trust. Treat people the way you wish to be treated yourself.

Sadly, because of relationships like these they do seem to break peoples trust and it's no wonder why so many people these days have issues around trust. Maybe I need to work on being a bit more cynical of people 

[CoasterRider]

Very true Dog biscuit and if you enter relationships expecting the worst then you get nowhere anyway and only have yourself to blame.

Trust and integrity these days seems to be seen as something of a weakness but to be perfectly honest, I have had thoughts about being less trusting but that isn't who I am. My default setting is to trust everybody until they do something to betray that trust. Treat people the way you wish to be treated yourself.

Sadly, because of relationships like these they do seem to break peoples trust and it's no wonder why so many people these days have issues around trust. Maybe I need to work on being a bit more cynical of people 

BPD enter the relationship expecting the worse, they are convinced you too will abandon them, and do not realize they become self fulfilling prophecies. It becomes like a cancer that eats the relationships away from the inside out.

Trust and integrity are the antonyms of selfishness. We live in a selfish world where people can not see past their own nose, wrapped up in their own worlds and what everyone can do for them and what is happening to them, not what they can do for others and what they are doing to others.

Im like you with trust everyone starts with 100 points only place to go id down, we need to start people with 50 and make them work their way up.

Being too trusting, too understanding, too patient just opens ourselves up to people who are predatory and will take with no intentions of giving in return. Trust issues are simply fear and happen because people forget part of the risk of opening your heart, is having it broken, the unfortunately reality this will occur more times than not. A life lived in fear is a life have lived.

[CoasterRider]

half*

[Perfidy]

Murbay, you aren't stupid, and it is entirely possible to heal without becoming cynical. Letting a sick person take away our good qualities is what got us to the state of discomfort that began our own healing process. We gave away a lot of love  that we now need for ourselves. Don't be so hard on yourself. That's somebody else's job. Your job now is to love your self.

[seeking balance]

Ah, the painfull insights we gather sometimes... .

It doesnt say anything about your intelligence, it says alot about her manipulative ways. I know its hard not to feel stupid for not seeing this, but how can you love someone/ fall in love with someone, when you have to be aware of such ulterior motives?

It has nothing to do with being smart or intelligent, it has to do with trust and integrity. something you obviously are capable of.

Couldn't have said it any better really 

[Murbay]

Many thanks CoasterRider and Perfidy, you both make a lot of sense.

In terms of stupidity, don't worry I'm able to be objective of myself without being hard, so I won't dwell on it too much and I won't let it control me either. As the saying goes:

"One does not simply become gullible. One has to actively accept crap as valid"  

In this case, I did exactly that and as a result, taken something away for self improvement. I can laugh at myself and smile at when faced with the logic of what was going on, I accepted someones words over the most logical explanation.

What does disturb me is one night, I got a phonecall from my ex (non and daughters mother) she was really upset because daughter was having a few issues at school and she thought the bullying had started again. As our daughter is a teen she is struggling because they are in conflict all the time. Because I'm very close to my daughter and she tells me everything, whether I could speak to her, get to the root cause and put her mind at ease. exBPDgf flew into a rage over this, telling me I was too close to my ex, that it was her job as a parent to sort it out herself, that I was being used and that it wasn't my problem to sort out even though it was my own daughter. Apparently, that is not how parenting works, you should both hate each other and not ask the other parent for anything.

This was only a couple of weeks after her exh sorted her out a new car, bunk beds for her kids and even went round to put them up. She contradicted herself on so many occasions. With the bunk beds, she told me he had taken 3 hours to put them up because he was useless and she couldn't wait to get him out of the house. Then a month later, she had an issue with her daughter and he came over to talk to her. When I went over later that evening she told me it was the first time he had set foot in her house and it made her feel uncomfortable.

It was all those little things that registered but I ignored. When she used to tell me that he was being really supportive and helping out, I would tell her I was pleased that things were looking good for her and hoped that it continued if not for her, for the sake of her youngest daughter. Being supportive would send her into a rage and then a few days later I would hear about how nasty and evil he was. It was a gauntlet of fire sometimes but nothing ever seemed to add up but yet I still chose to trust and support her.

Those are my responsibilities to own and in that sense, it was stupidity on my behalf because I didn't call her out on the things that didn't add up.

[seeking balance]

Those are my responsibilities to own and in that sense, it was stupidity on my behalf because I didn't call her out on the things that didn't add up.

Many of us shed our values in the hopes of keeping the peace - it was in this time that I started not recognizing me and when I started "calling out" is when fighting got worse.

Values and Boundaries for us must trump our "loneliness" or whatever our hurt is that the BPD relationship masked.  Values and boundaries are fundamental to people who feel worthy... . any of us that spent a longer period of time with a pwBPD found those things slip away - thus lose ourselves.

You are not alone - be kind to yourself as you heal.

Peace,

SB

[winston72]

SB, the reminder of the benefit of values and boundaries for our self esteem is so helpful.  Simple and direct... . thank you.

Murbay, your account of the contradictory behavior of your ex concerning your relationship with your ex wife and her relationship with her ex husband is very instructive.  I experienced similar inconsistencies but with a different set of relationships.  As I read your account, I affirmed what seemed to be "guiding principles" if not outright values... . you gave her the benefit of doubt, you affirmed the worth of maintaining a healthy relationship with the father of her children, you interpreted her behavior and comments in the context of wanting some wholeness in her former family.  All good... . and you would rightly expect to receive reciprocal treatment.  It is so very disappointing and downright painful when it doesn't happen.

I had a middle of the night epiphany about a week ago.  I finally saw where the very beginning of my relationship fit into the scheme of her life.  That beginning was three and a half years ago.  Oh, my... . that is a long time to be so out of touch with her core reality.

One of the features of my personality that I would affirm as positive is the ability to give others the benefit of the doubt, to allow for failings and mistakes in a loved one, to believe people can improve... . and these things set me up for a colossal blunder.  I don't want to lose these attributes, but I am going to be a bit tougher and wiser about putting them into play.

[CoasterRider]

My ex did the same, make any mention or even if they would like something on my FB I would have to hear all about it. It was never a "coincidence" that they decided to text or call to keep in touch, it was because I had been maintaining a long term and ilicit affair with them over the phone or facebook. That was paramount to cheating.

Yet he was able to talk to his ex's, hang out with them, send them Christmas cards, and stay friends with them on facebook.

I wasnt allowed to have other friends who were single, for fear they would "influence me" into cheating.

However when I brought up a friend of his who is wildly irresponsible and an alcoholic. I was worried how he would be influenced by her spending all night out and drinking to much. I had no place to tell him how to live his life and who he could spend time with. He couldnt just "cut people out of" his life. Although that is exactly what he expected me to do, to anyone he irrationally felt threatened by.

Ultimately he cut me completely out of his life, because his self fulfilling prophecy came true. Back to being complete strangers, and he starts the cycle over with a next poor sap.