BPD Sister needs help - advice please

[Depression = 72% of members]

Newbie posting long story, but short version. Drove my BPD sister to DV Shelter 150 miles away to visit her 21 yr. daughter (my niece). Unbeknownst to me BPD sister talked daughter to leaving shelter and coming back home to live with her.

Backstory: BPD sister kicked her daughter out of home. Daughter went to live with a boyfriend who beat her with a gun. Her daughter ended up with orders of protection and in a DV Shelter. And niece picked the shelter furthest from her mother on purpose.

After leaving the shelter we went to hotel and BPD sister proceeded to drink while on Vicodin then blew up at daughter for a perceived infraction and continued to berate, little and abuse her for the next hour, in which I tried to deescalate the situation. Needless-to-say I told niece to pack-up she is going home with me and if sister wants a ride home to shut her mouth and pack up.

When I dropped off the sister at her home I told her I would call her in a couple of days to let her know how things were going. BPD Sister told me not to bother and do not contact her and berated her daughter more and told her she would not be able to talk to any of her older brothers all the while I tried to drive away telling the BPD sister “Just get out of my car.” 

I got niece back into a DV Shelter by me. (By the way I am a DV prevention activist/artist and know the shelter people and system in my area.) She is not to have contact with either her mother or her ex-boyfriend.

Then before her intake I got my niece to start a journal of all the things that happened to her, also write a letter to her mom that we burned. I am committed to helping her pick up the pieces of her life going forward with counseling, housing, job and schooling.

My BPD sister has always had these incredible rages and blows up over weird non-important things and we have had her self imposed NC throughout the years. Then it was pointed out to me that my father flew into abusive rages before the physical violence when I was a child. It was my choice to go NC with him for over 20 yrs. until his death and I did not feel any quilt after he died. Then I found this website and everything fit.

My question to everyone - - - how can a BPD know they need to get help if nobody tells them? I mean, I don’t mind being the bad guy and telling my BPD sister she needs help with her rages and alcoholism if that would help her in the long run. Has anyone tried doing this? Do you have advice? (But on the other-hand I would be just fine with NC forever too.)

[Tiptop57]

Newbie posting long story, but short version. Drove my BPD sister to DV Shelter 150 miles away to visit her 21 yr. daughter (my niece). Unbeknownst to me BPD sister talked daughter to leaving shelter and coming back home to live with her.

Backstory: BPD sister kicked her daughter out of home. Daughter went to live with a boyfriend who beat her with a gun. Her daughter ended up with orders of protection and in a DV Shelter. And niece picked the shelter furthest from her mother on purpose.

After leaving the shelter we went to hotel and BPD sister proceeded to drink while on Vicodin then blew up at daughter for a perceived infraction and continued to berate, little and abuse her for the next hour, in which I tried to deescalate the situation. Needless-to-say I told niece to pack-up she is going home with me and if sister wants a ride home to shut her mouth and pack up.

When I dropped off the sister at her home I told her I would call her in a couple of days to let her know how things were going. BPD Sister told me not to bother and do not contact her and berated her daughter more and told her she would not be able to talk to any of her older brothers all the while I tried to drive away telling the BPD sister “Just get out of my car.” 

I got niece back into a DV Shelter by me. (By the way I am a DV prevention activist/artist and know the shelter people and system in my area.) She is not to have contact with either her mother or her ex-boyfriend.

Then before her intake I got my niece to start a journal of all the things that happened to her, also write a letter to her mom that we burned. I am committed to helping her pick up the pieces of her life going forward with counseling, housing, job and schooling.

My BPD sister has always had these incredible rages and blows up over weird non-important things and we have had her self imposed NC throughout the years. Then it was pointed out to me that my father flew into abusive rages before the physical violence when I was a child. It was my choice to go NC with him for over 20 yrs. until his death and I did not feel any quilt after he died. Then I found this website and everything fit.

My question to everyone - - - how can a BPD know they need to get help if nobody tells them? I mean, I don’t mind being the bad guy and telling my BPD sister she needs help with her rages and alcoholism if that would help her in the long run. Has anyone tried doing this? Do you have advice? (But on the other-hand I would be just fine with NC forever too.)

[Tayto]

hi, you cant help anyone that does not want to help themselves however from reading your post you seem to hold your own morals and don't allow your sister to abuse or rant about people when in your company.

when my mother who has BPD goes off on one, I ask her when she calms down

where did you learn to be so nasty ?

if they did not hurt me I would not be so nasty

I don't think this is true as everyone who gets the same abuse does not all react the same way

well that's the way I am if you don't like it you can go

as I said, where do you think you picked up this way of treating people.

I think because people with BPD experience emotions in their extremes and they believe they can abuse others because of the hurt they experience. but not everyone retaliates when hurt so this is not a fact that anyone can abuse and its my belief that people with BPD need to learn this.

[Tiptop57]

I think because people with BPD experience emotions in their extremes and they believe they can abuse others because of the hurt they experience. but not everyone retaliates when hurt so this is not a fact that anyone can abuse and its my belief that people with BPD need to learn this.

What a fabulous revelation. She can't hurt me as I don't let her rent space in my head. And she went NC so I am in a calm zone.  Everything is good.  Thank you!

[GeekyGirl]

My question to everyone - - - how can a BPD know they need to get help if nobody tells them? I mean, I don’t mind being the bad guy and telling my BPD sister she needs help with her rages and alcoholism if that would help her in the long run. Has anyone tried doing this? Do you have advice? (But on the other-hand I would be just fine with NC forever too.)

You know the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink"?  I can understand why you want to tell your sister that she needs help. At the same time, she needs to be ready to accept that and work on herself. How do you think she'd react if you told her that she needs help?

It sounds like your niece is going through a tough time also, and you're involved with both of them. How are you holding up?