Beliefs from illusions

[Quantendynamik]

Hi all,

The subject may not be accurate, but I am not sure how to put it.

The thing is that, BPDs would create 'reasons' to defend their emotions. 

Some of such reasons can be blaming people around them through projection, etc.

When such reasons 'work' for them, they will tend to use it again and again.

Maybe it is repeated too many times, when they are not under BPD mood, they still believe those reasons are the true causes, and related statements are true.

I am not sure how to deal with this properly.

For one thing, it is hard to tell whether the statement is from BPD, or it is part of their value.

Also, I am not sure whether those beliefs will go away even if they have learnt to deal with their BPD. 

Do we need to talk those over after some improvements from treatment?

Thanks.

-QD

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lilibeth]

QD, this is something i am so familiar with. Even if his emotions are all wrong, my husband goes to great lengths to prove he is right, and that his emotions are the real thing... . he also blames everyone around him for things that go wrong... . added to this is his tendency to exaggerate things in such a manner that they clearly show that others are in the wrong while he is in the right. I have learnt the hard way - hard because i went through times of questioning myself whether i could have such feelings if i loved him, or whether i was being disloyal to him by not taking him seriously, or whether i was being too hard on him knowing that he had a problem, and many feelings and doubts and questions in the same vein. Now i tell myself - okay, he is entitled to how he thinks and feels... . i am out of it, especially since i know what the reality is... . and gradually i am protecting myself, and since, therefore i am not questioning him, after a while it peters out... .

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks for sharing Lilibeth. 

It becomes a problem when we are making decisions that affect at least two of us or more family members. 

For the matter at hand, learnt from the tools, I will insist on my opinions.  Sometimes she 'hijacks' it: do it her way or high way. However, when it is not only affecting her, letting it fail is not an option.  I think I'd better keep pushing and hoping for the best.

Another effect is that she will quote 'precedence' to justify her current opinion.  I would have to argue on the 'precedence'.  And more 'precedence' coming.

I guess the difficulty is that it is not clear which is totally emotional and which is their ration: they have convinced themselves that the statements are true as part of the defensive mechanism.

QD, this is something i am so familiar with. Even if his emotions are all wrong, my husband goes to great lengths to prove he is right, and that his emotions are the real thing... . he also blames everyone around him for things that go wrong... . added to this is his tendency to exaggerate things in such a manner that they clearly show that others are in the wrong while he is in the right. I have learnt the hard way - hard because i went through times of questioning myself whether i could have such feelings if i loved him, or whether i was being disloyal to him by not taking him seriously, or whether i was being too hard on him knowing that he had a problem, and many feelings and doubts and questions in the same vein. Now i tell myself - okay, he is entitled to how he thinks and feels... . i am out of it, especially since i know what the reality is... . and gradually i am protecting myself, and since, therefore i am not questioning him, after a while it peters out... .

[Lilibeth]

Of course you must do what works, QD, or what you believe will work. Yes, 'precedence' is also something that i have to fight against... .

[an0ught]

Hi QD,

Another effect is that she will quote 'precedence' to justify her current opinion.  I would have to argue on the 'precedence'.  And more 'precedence' coming.

so you know that her "believes and precedences" are just tools for her to push forward her emotions. The "believes" are neither stable, deeply anchored nor of any consequence for her if tomorrow she feels different. So how come you wonder about dealing with them? Why play the game? Aim at the root cause - her emotions. Only when those are in reasonable balance it is worth bothering with logic. Quite often the "belief" problem has resolved itself by then or otherwise a well reasoned and non aggressive SET can have an impact.

[Quantendynamik]

Thanks an0ought.  I think S.E.T. may work. 

It is just that those believes got repeated too many times that she starts to think that way even if not in an emotional crisis. 

Some of the 'decision' were made that way and she thinks it is from logic, which totally ignores my interests.  And yet, when I try to discuss, she will use all kind of projection/twisting/attacking techniques to defend the decision.   The S. and E. are sometimes treated as manipulation. 

Hi QD,

Another effect is that she will quote 'precedence' to justify her current opinion.  I would have to argue on the 'precedence'.  And more 'precedence' coming.

so you know that her "believes and precedences" are just tools for her to push forward her emotions. The "believes" are neither stable, deeply anchored nor of any consequence for her if tomorrow she feels different. So how come you wonder about dealing with them? Why play the game? Aim at the root cause - her emotions. Only when those are in reasonable balance it is worth bothering with logic. Quite often the "belief" problem has resolved itself by then or otherwise a well reasoned and non aggressive SET can have an impact.