Emotional Immaturity or PD or both...

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

45 days out of a 3 year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf and just got past 30 days n/c.  The n/c part is extremely difficult because she lives on my block and I've had to go to great lengths to protect against accidental contact (walking dog, out playing with her kids, at the coffee shop, etc.).  :)etachment is tough when you are logistically so close.  I'm working with my T to dig in to old "hurts" I brought into the r/s from my childhood to help me understand why I chose to be in an emotionally abusive r/s, why I stayed as long as I did and why I went back to it three times after attempting to cut the cord in the last year.  I'm firmly out now, but struggle with all the normal emotions.

My ex gf wasn't officially diagnosed with a PD, but the T we went to nearly two years ago that I still see today has told me that she believes my ex is "very young" emotionally and exhibits vulnerable narcissistic and borderline traits.  My T thinks the root of my ex's issues was from sexual abuse by a female HS coach as a teen and possibly from a lack of emotional attachment with her mom at a much younger age.  Her life is filled with chaos and her young kids all are suffering from childhood anxiety disorder along with other issues.  She would have bouts with emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression and some rage.  It was not uncommon for her to attempt to rewrite history by denying things she said or did while in a dysregulated state.  She wouldn't respect my boundaries and showed little to no empathy for my feelings.  There was no responsibility shown for her words or actions.  Emotional blackmail/abuse, some verbal abuse happened throughout and then some physical abuse occurred at the end of the r/s.  I just couldn't live with it any longer and cut the cord on the r/s in mid December.  I tried radical acceptance along the way, but I just couldn't make peace accepting what I was seeing and enduring.

Ok, so in reading about NPD and BPD traits, I came across a pretty good article titled "Relationships with emotionally immature people".  What they describe is so right on with my experience.  What also stuck out to me was such a fine line between what the author was describing and what I've read are traits of NPD and BPD.  So, is this a "chicken and the egg" type of discussion?  Is emotional immaturity a main component with PDs?  Or, is it possible to be emotionally immature to the degree the author describes and not have a PD?  I'm just trying to make some sense of what I know was irrational behavior.  

Here's the article:

www.heartspiritmind.com/relationships/relationships-with-emotionally-immature-people

[Madison66]

45 days out of a 3 year r/s with uBPD/NPD ex gf and just got past 30 days n/c.  The n/c part is extremely difficult because she lives on my block and I've had to go to great lengths to protect against accidental contact (walking dog, out playing with her kids, at the coffee shop, etc.).  :)etachment is tough when you are logistically so close.  I'm working with my T to dig in to old "hurts" I brought into the r/s from my childhood to help me understand why I chose to be in an emotionally abusive r/s, why I stayed as long as I did and why I went back to it three times after attempting to cut the cord in the last year.  I'm firmly out now, but struggle with all the normal emotions.

My ex gf wasn't officially diagnosed with a PD, but the T we went to nearly two years ago that I still see today has told me that she believes my ex is "very young" emotionally and exhibits vulnerable narcissistic and borderline traits.  My T thinks the root of my ex's issues was from sexual abuse by a female HS coach as a teen and possibly from a lack of emotional attachment with her mom at a much younger age.  Her life is filled with chaos and her young kids all are suffering from childhood anxiety disorder along with other issues.  She would have bouts with emotional dysregulation, anxiety, depression and some rage.  It was not uncommon for her to attempt to rewrite history by denying things she said or did while in a dysregulated state.  She wouldn't respect my boundaries and showed little to no empathy for my feelings.  There was no responsibility shown for her words or actions.  Emotional blackmail/abuse, some verbal abuse happened throughout and then some physical abuse occurred at the end of the r/s.  I just couldn't live with it any longer and cut the cord on the r/s in mid December.  I tried radical acceptance along the way, but I just couldn't make peace accepting what I was seeing and enduring.

Ok, so in reading about NPD and BPD traits, I came across a pretty good article titled "Relationships with emotionally immature people".  What they describe is so right on with my experience.  What also stuck out to me was such a fine line between what the author was describing and what I've read are traits of NPD and BPD.  So, is this a "chicken and the egg" type of discussion?  Is emotional immaturity a main component with PDs?  Or, is it possible to be emotionally immature to the degree the author describes and not have a PD?  I'm just trying to make some sense of what I know was irrational behavior.  

Here's the article:

www.heartspiritmind.com/relationships/relationships-with-emotionally-immature-people

[nolisan]

You might like to read "The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes.

[Madison66]

Thanks for the suggestion, nolisan.  I emailed my T and she has a copy at her office to loan me.  Looks like a great book!

[GreenMango]

Great questions.   I liked the article because it talked about emotionally immaturity which can come in a lot of degrees.   You don't have to have a PD to be immature.   I know I could use a healthy dose of maturity especially when i was dealing with the relationship.

Emotional maturity can be tied to what is called executive functioning.   Coping skills or the lack of them.  People with BPD can display a series of poor coping skills and impulsively react.   That is definitely part of the disorder.   How the person reacts is dependent on the individual... . rage,  no rages just self destructive behavior, etc. With BPD is usually a pervasive pattern and diagnosis is difficult.   The professionals look for a lot factors not just immaturity.   They have to rule out things too.

Madison sometimes we come here looking for a definitive answer to "yes they had BPD" to feel sure that we are making the right choice or looking for some kind of explanation.   I urge you to look at the behaviors, and not solely the diagnosis,  because if the behavior is destructive that is enough.   

Are you finding the behavior enough?

[seeking balance]

 What also stuck out to me was such a fine line between what the author was describing and what I've read are traits of NPD and BPD.  So, is this a "chicken and the egg" type of discussion?  Is emotional immaturity a main component with PDs?  Or, is it possible to be emotionally immature to the degree the author describes and not have a PD?  I'm just trying to make some sense of what I know was irrational behavior.  

This is one of the reasons PD's are not diagnosed in children or teens unless severely extreme cases.  However, DBT is introduced as a treatment for teens for things such as anorexia, drugs, cutting even if not BPD.

Emotional maturity, or lack there of - is seen in a lot of people.  This alone is not a criteria for BPD diagnosis - to diagnose there must be other factors present as well.  The DSM-V criteria gives more of a spectrum of the disorder - and emotional maturity certainly is in the spectrum.

Emotional maturity for me relates to discipline - some folks, BPD or not lack discipline - we see it all over the leaving board if you think about it... . however, once we look in the mirror - we can get honest with ourselves as opposed to a pwBPD who looking in the mirror triggers yet another maladaptive coping method designed to protect a very fragile sense of self.

cross-posted w/ GM