Retired Cop Friend Says I will "go to jail" with BPDgf if I stick with her

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I am into a few days of no contact with the BPDgf and assessing the situation. So far, so good... . been able to resist my impulsive patterns of the past.  Been super busy with work and not ruminating. Gf is super depressing and maybe, finally I am tired of it.

I opened up to my older friend about the relationship. He is a retired nypd lt. detective and has a plethora of life experience, and kind of like an uncle or father to me in many ways.

He knows about the on/off r/s with the gf and he knows about her legal problems. After explaining what I know about her legal problems he told me point blank if I keep hanging out with or dating this BPDgf I would "go to jail" with her.

He bases this on his experience and how he has seen normal guys get wrapped up with "dangerous" women many times and how things can unravel, or the guy can get dragged into the legal situation whether or not there is any good reason by the police.

Also because the gf is basically using a legitimate insanity (certified insane by psychiatrist) defense there is a good chance she will not go to jail (but still get deported).  My friend says in these situations the county attorneys get pissed and start looking at other people around the defendant they can try to go after.

He said she may lie to the court and say I or anybody else could be an accomplice etc. if she has to cut any type of deal (her attorney is trying to make a deal or get her out of it because she is crazy).

Even though I have nothing to hide I take his words seriously. He said if I am doing favors for her in any way and I am somehow unfairly dragged into her legal problem that would be a red flag etc.

Well I think I have laid it out here as what it is.

I have had her blocked from my phone for a few days now. My friend's words are very sobering and I have to take them seriously.

[nowwhatz]

I am into a few days of no contact with the BPDgf and assessing the situation. So far, so good... . been able to resist my impulsive patterns of the past.  Been super busy with work and not ruminating. Gf is super depressing and maybe, finally I am tired of it.

I opened up to my older friend about the relationship. He is a retired nypd lt. detective and has a plethora of life experience, and kind of like an uncle or father to me in many ways.

He knows about the on/off r/s with the gf and he knows about her legal problems. After explaining what I know about her legal problems he told me point blank if I keep hanging out with or dating this BPDgf I would "go to jail" with her.

He bases this on his experience and how he has seen normal guys get wrapped up with "dangerous" women many times and how things can unravel, or the guy can get dragged into the legal situation whether or not there is any good reason by the police.

Also because the gf is basically using a legitimate insanity (certified insane by psychiatrist) defense there is a good chance she will not go to jail (but still get deported).  My friend says in these situations the county attorneys get pissed and start looking at other people around the defendant they can try to go after.

He said she may lie to the court and say I or anybody else could be an accomplice etc. if she has to cut any type of deal (her attorney is trying to make a deal or get her out of it because she is crazy).

Even though I have nothing to hide I take his words seriously. He said if I am doing favors for her in any way and I am somehow unfairly dragged into her legal problem that would be a red flag etc.

Well I think I have laid it out here as what it is.

I have had her blocked from my phone for a few days now. My friend's words are very sobering and I have to take them seriously.

[mgl210]

Oh boy sounds like a tough pickle,

I can't say that he is right/wrong.  But I can speak from exp that by breaking up the second time with the ex that she let her parents believe that I threw her down a flight of stairs and was immediately arrested on suspicion of domestic violence. Hence, why alot of my friends don't like her, and why it was extremely hard for me to tell my mom about her.  See, I work in the social services field, a conviction of domestic violence on my permanent record would absolutely without a doubt dismiss me from ever working in my field. One would think with her doing that I would wise up and never look back and never get back together with her. NOPE, I am the idiot for letting her walking in and out of my life like a bad door. My advice? Be careful. Follow your former cop's advice. He knows what he is talking about. I know its me being hypocritical, but think of it this way. Yeah it will hurt like a bhit, yeah I let her walk in and out how many times, but trust me, you will be much better off than I am if you heed someone's advice...

MGL

[Surnia]

I opened up to my older friend about the relationship.

A brave step, nowwhatz! 

And yes, I think this is serious. Healthy boundaries, especially toward people who are doing illegal things. I had to pay once a bitter apprentice's due in a rs which someone who tend to defraud - I overlooked that I had signed his hiring contract too for a business... .

Stay strong!

[maxsterling]

Wow.  I think you really out to take this as a serious warning from someone who cares about you.

I have worries about the same thing.  Right now, I'm more worried about being financially screwed, but a few months ago I had friends telling me they were worried for my physical safety.  I also had police tell me I would do best to stay away from her - because they have seen this situation before.  And after the one time she was physically violent with me, punching me in the chest, I struggled to free myself from her.  She then tried to say I tried to choke her (not true at all) and that if I called the police again she would claim I choked her.  Scary stuff.

[Pou]

speaking from experience here.  Your friend is right.  I was warned by a volunteer counselor and gave me instructions on how to prepare for that "day".  I put it in the back burner and never really thought it would happen … yes, this all happened when i was watching our two kids while she went out to pick her mother up form airport and 6 hours later, she brought the cop to our house to have me arrested in front of our two kids for something she essentially made up just to get me in trouble.  I did not lay my hand on her during our argument, meanwhile she bumped my lips with her elbow … I wasn't sure if it was an accident or not, but can be interpreted as such.  So instead of me calling the police, she did it and when the police saw my injury, they asked me what happened and she was arrested too.  One of the police told me that I was really lucky to have that injury, otherwise, I would look like a major abuser.  She claimed I put my hands on her … and this is 5 plus hours later she showed up with red mark on her neck, meanwhile, marks were gone in an hour or two by the time I saw her.  She didn't have any mark when she left the house and she came in contact with her mother for hours and then show up with police (my mother in law probably encouraged her by backing her up, so you need to scrutinize her mom and make sure she doesn't also have BPD, otherwise you are in a hot mess).  My scenario is quite common.  Many NPD / BPD women will use the fact that authorities are under pressure to protect women and will throw men in jail just based on any type of allegation.  On top of that, once the allegation is made, it is a State case (in my state, it is) and your significant other can not drop the charge.  State will have to try you no matter what.  It is a very serious charge and can ruin you for life if you don't have a good attorney to resolve it.  Judge and police only care to enforce the law and they are willing to punish the innocent to just to make sure that no one gets hurt further just in case such violence did really take place.  HOwever, if your girl friend or wife is a BPD or NPD, she will pull the trigger and play the police card and your reputation will be stained forever.  I am 40 plus and never ever got into any trouble with the law.  Always prudent and respectful and now I was arrested by police in my home and my daughter and son are aware of this ... it breaks my heart every time I relieve that traumatic experience.  Yes, I tell you a lot, because I want you to know and understand that you could be the best boyfriend in the world, but if you get into a verbal argument or want to leave, your girl friend will do everything she can to make sure you won't be able to… and that includes getting you arrested by making up stuff.  Law enforcement is not likely to punish women who made false allegations because they don't want to discourage women who are being abused from reporting it.  I have sisters and so I do kind of understand it… but when the wrong happens to you … it really sucks big time.  Get out when you can … I didn't know (because I am an idiot) about my wife's NPD until a good few years into marriage.  I looked past all the signs and primarily until a few years ago, I had no idea BPD / NPD existed.  Knowledge is power, you know now, so probably a good idea to exit.  Good luck  

 

[nowwhatz]

Wow!

I suppose i am thankful the gf is not one to call the cops or make up domestic violence claims etc .

She is however under investigation for fraud, theft and trafficking stolen goods all related to a single incident.

The state where i live is very tough on crime and that is a good thing. The charges are very broad and my friend is concerned that the police might drag in anyone close to her to put pressure on her to plead guilty.   He is an ex cop and knows how the game is played.

Even if i was only questioned about her by authorities it would be a major distraction and could lead to other problems. 

Anyways i am trying hard to heed my friends advice and stay away.  I think her current silent treatment might actually be a moment of clarity on her part not to involve me until her legal issue is settled.   She seemed to infer that in the last conversation where she expressed so much guilt and shame for hurting the people that love her and said it is not fair to me while her legal issues are going on.

How about that for giving her the benefit of the doubt? Lol

[joethemechanic]

Thank God my BPDgf isn't one for calling the cops. She really isn't one to be in trouble with the law, she really only ever had one ticket for an expired inspection, and one parking ticket in her whole life and she is 48.

From previous dating experience, I can tell you if a woman has a lot of police contact it's a major red flag for me. If they even talk abouty calling the polce on anyone, or if they have any kind of criminaql record I get away from them and get away fast.

Calling authorities and running their mouth can lead to permanent problems.

"Once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it's hard to get it back in!" - H. R. Haldeman

[buddy1226]

Dude, get away. I never thought it would happen because I've never been violent towards a female but my ex totally has me in trouble because the would call the cops for any reason. They will side with the female. She did this several times until two female cops showed up that believed her. You never think things like this would happen but as I read up I see that this is a hallmark sign of the disorder. Mine is sorry after she does it but once the state has a CDV charge there is no dropping it. She said she would come forth and tel the truth but she is mad now so it's unlikely. Turn and run, man. I wish I had!

[KateCat]

i am trying hard to heed my friends advice and stay away. 

Didn't someone a long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away say: ":)o or do not. There is no 'try.'"

[mgl210]

Reading this post reminds me of what had happened to me.

My then fiance at the time and I were arguing over text that day while she was at a day program. I didn't understand why she was giving me such a hard time. Finally, she told me that the reason why she was giving me such a hard time was because she had felt guilty about self harming herself the night before. She told me that she would like to come over later on that day so that we can discuss the issue on hand.

She came over and things were going well for the most part. She then suggested we get some food. We went to go get pizza and when we get back, she starts attacking me with verbal assaults about random things. Just in general giving me a hard time for stupid stuff. Finally, I tell her that if she is going to be taking her anger at herself out on me that she should just go home. She was like FINE, I just want my money back. I was like your money? She had owed me money and I told her that the money that she had given me was my money now. She threatened to have her father come over and get her back her money.

I told her that I didn't think her father would like that, as she had always begged me to never tell her parents that she had borrowed money from me. She was like go ahead, he's the king of borrowing money from people. She leaves all in a huff and a puff.

Around 730 that Friday night, I was texting on my phone with a former friend, and trying to make plans with that former friend when I hear a knock on my door. I look outside my window and see the local pd. My town is really small, so I figured something drastic must have happened in the neighborhood and I answer the door. I ask what is going on, they ask me if I am who I am, I replied yes and the next thing I know I am getting handcuffed.

I get dragged down to the local pd, because she had let her father and mother believe that bruises on her were caused by her. To this day, they still think those bruises were caused by me. I have an old email she was going to send to her parents about the truth. I have been too kind hearted every time we get back together to let her delay on sending it. I think if she does recycle me again(which I really think she will) that I will insist on her emailing out that letter.

I am such a fool for letting her get away with all the crap that she has pulled... . Hope this helps you out better than it has me

MGL

[Pou]

I never dreamt that my NPD wife would turn into something like this.  Not only she quick to pull the police as a threat, she also actively alienate my kids from seeing my side of family.  If I should ever try to reason with her, she acts up and she starts to make up things just so she can win her argument.  My NPD wife is high in the corporate ladder and she was well educated, but I can tell you she lacks a sense of wrong from right.  NPD BPD are manipulative.  If you commit your life to one, soon or later you will find yourself living in a prison.  They want you to devote your life to meet their needs only and will do so manipulating you and devoid you of any reciprocation.  it is like throwing your life, love, effort into a blackhole.   

[Pou]

I am such a fool for letting her get away with all the crap that she has pulled... . Hope this helps you out better than it has me

MGL

MGL, I am with you.  I feel so stupid that I never told any one of my friends about what happened and the truth of what happened.  I feel so dumb that I married a NPD.  Also I don't think anyone who never experienced this would believe me … it is the worst feeling.   I am stuck with three kids.  Trying very hard to manage from day to day.  How are you doing now?

[mgl210]

Luckily I have no kids,but I'm struggling everyday without her. I'm sorry that things are so rough for you. Everyday I see all the many good times we had and then the images of stress come front and center. I have no one to really talk to about anything bc no one likes her and/or understand what I'm going through.

Mgl

[Pou]

Luckily I have no kids,but I'm struggling everyday without her. I'm sorry that things are so rough for you. Everyday I see all the many good times we had and then the images of stress come front and center. I have no one to really talk to about anything bc no one likes her and/or understand what I'm going through.

Mgl

MGL, exactly… my NPD wife and I shared so many memories... through out the years.  But the frightening thing about my wife, who is a NPD and not a BPD, is that she has no emotions toward things and people that are important in my life.  We met my uncle who took us out for expensive meals every time we visited him overseas.  When he passed away, she had nothing to say … I tried to initiate the conversation about how i missed him and related the emotion to the experiences we shared together… it was like talking to a wall.  Nothing … just dead silent like I didn't say anything.  This happened with my aunt, this happened with my dad passings.  No a single word of condolence.  Who would believe me if I tell them that?  I mean which spouse would be so cold and so hateful (now she actively alienating my mother who helped us out cared for our first child).  I don't get it.  I really just don't … everyday, I have self doubts, I think really really hard trying to figure out what I did wrong to deserve this.  Anyway, my ordeal is bad, but I don't think it is unique now finding this board.  So I am somewhat ok with it… dealing with it… trying to figure out how I will be able sustain a life like this.  I hope you are out of your situation …  I read somewhere that BPDs have a script in their head and we really mean very little to nothing to them.  The important part for them is to keep us in check in the script that they are writing in their head.  So shared memories?  to me, thy meant a lot, but to a NPD/BPD, it just means I am a disposable character in their story line.  Sad, isn't it?  when I thought I was building a lifetime partner with someone I love deeply and only to wake up to this. 

[mgl210]

Pou,

Unfortunately, I am not completely out of my situation. She now has the upper hand in what happens with me and her. She had texted me last week wishing me a happy chinese new year and then I texted her this week to no response. Luckily, she didn't press the charges against me, but at least now you can understand where and why a lot of my friends don't like her or family really care much about her. At least the family that knows of the situation that she had filed false charges against me.

I still have alot of her stuff at my house and she still has alot of my stuff. To say that I am out of the situation or equation would be completely false. I am still stuck in it and with V-day coming up. I find myself torn between sending her flowers to remind her of my love for her, or if I should just let it be and watch the situation unfold as it unfolds.

How's your situation holding up?

MGL

[nowwhatz]

Pou,

Unfortunately, I am not completely out of my situation. She now has the upper hand in what happens with me and her. She had texted me last week wishing me a happy chinese new year and then I texted her this week to no response. Luckily, she didn't press the charges against me, but at least now you can understand where and why a lot of my friends don't like her or family really care much about her. At least the family that knows of the situation that she had filed false charges against me.

I still have alot of her stuff at my house and she still has alot of my stuff. To say that I am out of the situation or equation would be completely false. I am still stuck in it and with V-day coming up. I find myself torn between sending her flowers to remind her of my love for her, or if I should just let it be and watch the situation unfold as it unfolds.

How's your situation holding up?

MGL

Far be it from me to give advice but don't send any flowers. 

I am still in no/controlled contact mode. So far so good.  I really feel for you guys that have had the cops called on you for bogus domestic abuse type things. That is horrible.

I don't there there is any risk of that happening to me... . the BPDgf doesn't call the cops for anything. I am staying away because she is under investigation with serious charges. My friend's concern really got my attention. I am still staying away thank God.

Well yesterday I got myself a new toy... . a really nice electronic drum kit. I played for about 6 hours last night after work and tonight for 3 hours. It is so much fun!

[mgl210]

trust me, that night was not fun at all. I was scared in the crapper when the cops handcuffed me that night. I was like wha? In my town, I am known as the guy who did alot for my community in high school, and was the good guy. I was scared beyond belief that god forbid what if I was found guilty for something I didn't do? It was an absolutely terrifying night... . I would not wish it on anyone

MGL

[Pou]

trust me, that night was not fun at all. I was scared in the crapper when the cops handcuffed me that night. I was like wha? In my town, I am known as the guy who did alot for my community in high school, and was the good guy. I was scared beyond belief that god forbid what if I was found guilty for something I didn't do? It was an absolutely terrifying night... . I would not wish it on anyone

MGL

Wow, MGL, my situation is similar to yours Except that I am not involved in my town as you.  But I also live in a small town, and I am sure my neighbors saw it and wondered if I am the nice guy who has hidden anger issue... . Ugggg, all my life is being judged for a false accusation. 

If I am you, I would pack her stuff up.  Put them in boxes and wait for her to pick them up.  Don't send them, because that will trigger her to do crazy stuff.  If you haven't settle your case yet, I suggest you to find an attorney now ... . a good one.  There are websites that will help you find a good lawyer around you and start to defend your case before she press charges.  You can not jeopardize your reputation because she is a BPD.  Don't send flowers for valentine.  If she contacts you, wish her a happy holiday.  Keep it cool and remain distance.  Don't make remarks like "we are done", "I am throwing your stuff out".  As far as I know, NPD and BPD can be triggered by words that tell them you are leaving them for good.  People who never had an ex who is a BPD, have no idea what I am talking about.  If you send flower for v day, for NONs, it will trigger our own sentimental feelings of wanting to stay... . For BPD, they see it as they got you on a hook and they will bring you back in ... . which will be an easy task.  Please feel free to PM me and I will offer what I know, of course it will be up to you how you like to handle it.  No judgements here ... . I am first to admit I am idiot number one.  My situation is tied to 3 kids and I will have to hope and work on for things to work out.  I am all in too deep. 

[mgl210]

Thanks Pou,

Luckily my case was dropped because she had refused to go to court, because she knew she would be lying on the stand if they had asked her to swear on the bible and what not. Thanks for the support. Its much easier to hear the advice or give it out than it is to actually do it.

The situation is really tricky for me regarding her stuff. I know that if I do anything with it, even if I box it up. I know where it will be hidden and what not and it will still bother me. But I will do what needs to be done in regards to protecting my feelings. What is your exact situation if I might ask? I won't judge you either. You aren't an idiot. If anyone is purely an idiot, it is me. I am the one that keeps accepting her back into my life without hesitation and then having to deal with my friends who still are my friends as calling me a bozo or a moron for that matter.  How old are your kids? They are lucky that they have you. I have had nightmares where me and the former did get married, and had kids and then one day she decided that she didn't think she could handle being a mom to the kids and just wandered off. I then would be put into a situation where I wouldn't know how to be both a mom and a dad. Its funny though, not your situation, but just thinking about my standpoint. I have always been told by my female friends that I am so like a motherly figure to them, than a dad figure to them. For the most part, I have always gotten along better with my ex gfs mom than the father, because I love to cook, and I tend to be nurturing and not buying into the crap of you gotta be strong and not show your feelings kind of mentality.

I am lucky I have a good friend, who is a lawyer and doesn't rip me off. Sure, she and I don't hang out as often, but she does look out for me and gives me a motherly nudge that only not my real mother gives. Coincidentally, she has the same birthday as me, just a different year, but she is always looking out for me. Its nice to have that kind of presence, but sometimes I just wish my own mother was that way instead of thinking that she has to toughen me up or whatever the heck that is supposed to mean. 

Is there anything I can do to help you out? ANything at all? Please feel free to ask... . I am of no place to help much, but whatever I can do to help. I will gladly do...

MGL

[Surnia]

to nowwhatz 

I like the gift you made for yourself with the electronic drumkit. In difficult days like yours trying to have less contact and less thoughts about her in your head this is a great step. 

[nowwhatz]

to nowwhatz  

I like the gift you made for yourself with the electronic drumkit. In difficult days like yours trying to have less contact and less thoughts about her in your head this is a great step.  

Well Surnia... . I am liking it too!

I may have overextended myself a bit financially on the drum kit but it will cost me a lot less $$$ to play these drums than to go out with the gf. I have wasted thousands of dollars on her. At least now my money is spent on something for me  

I have been enjoying the drums and playing continuously in my offtime... . and not drive the neighbors or my son crazy like the acoustic drums... . I can play through headphones.

I should report I did have some controlled contact over the phone with the BPDgf yesterday. Although she is on meds she is not well awaiting her next court date and mostly alone in the apt. I think I am proud to say my conversation with her was friendly, encouraging and sympathetic devoid any romantic overtones from me... . just friendly and positive.

I don't want to see her and will not until her legal issues are done... . if I do.

I will say happy valentines' day to my drumkit and that is just fine with me

[auntie32]

Hi,

I am new on this site, but after reading your stuff, cannot understand why you just don't leave your gf, if you love her ,this will be the best for both.

[mgl210]

to all,

an update on my situation. As I had mentioned to pu, I knew my situation with the BPDexgf was far from over. Around 2 something this morning, I got a text from her wishing me an early happy bday... I knew that was coming. I just didn't want to believe that she would do that. I am now in the process of writing her an e-mail asking her to think long and hard over what it is that she wants and what she wants for both of us. I am going to have a nervous breakdown because of all this up/down crap. I hate it and I wouldn't wish it upon even my own worst enemy... .

MGL

[Pou]

Hey MGL, yeah... . I think many NONs have the similar characteristics … a bunch nice people ...   I think this is where BPD and NPD take advantage people like us … basically nice guys or girls who are good intentioned and they know that we can be mistreated and will take the crap.  Glad to hear that your case was dropped for good.  Yeah, I understand the intermingle stuff ... it is hard, especially there are emotions and history involved.  It is easier for someone on the sideline saying do this and do that … but it is never easy and who really know what the best way is to handle complicated situations like this except for yourself?  I am glad to hear that you have friends who can be there for you and nudge you.  Funny thing about men is that no one want to admit that they can be bully around by women … I have no problem admitting it, because I grew up with 2 older sisters and 3 older girl cousins ... not that I was bullied around ... but I am used to be pushed around by women... not a problem for me.  It is when things get crazy and made up … that gets to me and ending up in the police station is no funny matter, plus with kids … oh, boy … great way to set examples….  Our situation is similar and yet different, I guess every one is in a different situation.  For your own sanity, I would stay away.  I think my wife was fine for many years until the trigger … I believe is when her mother moved into the area after her father passed away.  I notice her mother tend to make statements that are not true and flip-flop … like one day she admits like and doing something and then another day she acts like she never said it and never liked it.  Things like that … up and down, I think my wife was raised going through stuff like that and may have impacted her character.  Thinking it is all normal to say things and believe in things that are not factual based.  Of course I would like to work it out with my wife, that would be so much easier … especially with 3 kids.  I continue to call my wife out on things that are not consistent…. especially if she said them in front of my kids and now my oldest daughter is old enough to remember things that mommy said.  I am not doing it to aggregate my wife, I am doing it so my kids don't get confused and at their developmental mind, I have to make sure they don't grow mess up.  I usually do the non-confrontational method ... low tone correcting it … affirming what the facts are and swift … leaving the room … transition out of the potential danger zone.  just to reaffirm facts for my kids.  Otherwise, she is a good mother.  In my heart, I like to think my wife can not help her NPD for now and eventually she will find a way to fix her issues.  I don't know if I can be of any help to this process ... but I do what I can to make sure facts remain facts … at times, I get feelings that my wife just can not help making things up ... . and at times, I think it may be a form of OCD … except that it has to do with wanting to obsessively to control things that she shouldn't (like another human being) or a situation.  I don't think she is unique and as I start to look around … I start to notice people like her.  I am not sure where we are going, but for now we got 3 beautiful kids and I get and give plenty of love from and to them.  Just have to keep on working on it … and hope things will improve.  Now, is this what you want for your marriage?  If I could pick my path years ago and knowing what I know today … and if I factor in my kids, perhaps I would do it all over again.  However, if you take away the kids, then I would prefer to have her NPD resolved before we get married and if that wasn't doable ... then I think part our ways would be good idea.  Hindsight is 20 20 ... .   Life has a funny way of working itself out … so whatever you choose to do, I am sure as long you are mindful, things will work out.  good luck and keep in touch.   

NOwWhatz … hope you can see how things can become via real life examples… I don't think my case is unique … and that is why your retired friend who is a cop warned you about that.  Good luck to what ever you decide to do…. let us know how things work out.

[mgl210]

Pou,

Love with a BPD sucks mega time. But in each passing moment, i feel a source of strength to know that I am not alone and that I am alive... Thanks for the support man... Be good to yourself...

MGL