Turning the other check again

[Rebuilding me]

I am so tired of turning the other cheek! I'm tired of being the bigger man! I'm tired of seeing people that have no true empathy try to relate to me! I have surrounded myself with the wrong people and have always been the one to show sympathy! Knowing fully well that they have reaped what they have sown. I have shown forgiveness and understanding with the people I have grown up with and have always looked beyond their walls and loved them regardless. I know that is the way to live, unconditionally, it is who I am and who I will always will be! I  am loved by many for this trait. I know I am a rock in many ways, and this is because of my faith. It is my cross to bare, it is all of ours! I speak to people of my pain and I receive shallow condolences. Many that I know are dead inside, but pretend they are not.

We have all lost a love, we have all been injured. The people in my life have been shallow to this. Relationship after relationship, never taking accountability.  Tired of being who I and all of us are meant to be. Compassionate! I can't relate to the unhealthy yet I feel I don't belong in the camp of the healthy! My uBPDxgf was what I finally felt  was the one that understood  this dilemma in all our lives! Like water that rises to the appropriate level, or matching the same emotional maturity, I felt I found the woman on my same plane that understood this. I know I did!  I know I did! There was mirroring, but I know there was truth! She discarded me like they do! I know what we shared, beyond idealization and devaluation, was at my level, sick or healthy! Our connection was real! I can't even be mad at her because of this illness, although I am. What a catch 22!

I will get beyond this, but I know I will never fully relate to a healthy other,  my pain and weaknesses from my past are too much a part of who I have become; good and bad! It has created my identity! This pwBPD was my love and my equal, and she has broken me. I want to rage, but it is not me! I want to use others to not feel pain, but it is not me! I want to stop caring! I'm tired of being an example of how to  live a life. I want to be shallow, self centered, and mindless, but I don't know how! I hate being the one to press  on and not be ruined by life, I want to be careless, but I can't!  I will be even stronger someday but as of now I want to rage against it all, but I can't! 

Who's the victim now?   sorry I'm just at my wits end! Let the rebuilding commence. Hopefully sooner than later! God I hate being a victim! I'm the narcissist probably? Alcohol and venting, good times!

[jynx]

Rebuilding me,

I felt like you do many times.  These r/s suck you dry of everything, then you don't know how to get it back.  I wanted to get it back from other people.  I wanted to get compassion from other people.  It took me a long time, but I realized that I had to give it back to myself.  I had to start loving myself, have compassion for myself, start doing the things that I like to do, start to feel enjoyment in life again.  I'm still working on getting that back.  Once I get that back, I will be able to have another r/s, but they will never suck my soul dry again.  I will only give out what is replaced. 

There might be a better way of saying this, but I'm not that far along in my own recovery to explain it better, I hope you understand what I mean.

Also, I like me the way I was, that is my goal to get back there, but minus the co-dependency. 

[heartandwhole]

Rebuilding me,

All these feelings are normal, and part of the process of grieving.  I can relate to a lot of what you said.  If we're doing the right thing in life, why do relationships hurt so much?  And yes, your connection was real and deep, of course it was.  The problem is that it wasn't good for you – except to teach you better coping mechanisms, and to help you understand what you really need.  Relationships exist to make us grow and become more conscious.  I know how much it hurts, and it's not fair. 

Keep letting out your feelings, Rebuilding.  We understand and we're listening!