Hi HAPPY73
Just wondering how many of you handle dealing with your spouse when things feel like they are "spinning out of control"
well, it depends how far things have escalated:
- getting out of control: Avoid invalidation, try to validate
- not yet fully out of control: Avoid invalidation, if there is something obvious to validate - validate, prepare to duck and hide
- out of control: Leave, basically only timeouts can deal with such situations - see workshops on timeouts and boundaries
examples:
* I came home yesterday from work and got stuck in traffic, drove in really bad snowy roads and it took me 3 hours instead of the normal 1 1/2 hours. I was really wound up when I got home because the roads were so bad. My uBPD husband is all excited to see me and I just needed a minute to unwind. He got MAD, said that because I was upset, he gets upset and it's all my fault that he gets upset.
Such situations are best handled by mental preparation. Rejections are hard to handle for a pwBPD but of course you needed a break and breathing space. Communicating this "hard" truth is done by using SET:
S: Love
E: Wow excited I'm finally home. Relieved I made it.
T: I'm half dead. I need 15 minutes to get settled.
&
Distract: Can you please get me some coffee. You are the greatest.
* He turns things around on me and tells me that I just need to own up to my down falls and stop trying to tell him that he is worthless and own up to my part in it. He will not ever address anything that is wrong with him because he wants to turn it on me.
Arguments who's done what and owns what may some times be needed but are more often a waste of time and destructive. Generally arguments with a pwBPD are pointless - their cognition is mostly overruled by emotions and ingrained behavior. Rather than wasting time and energy on getting them to admit something put the energy where it matters: Affecting emotions and behavior through validation and boundaries. There is a difference between arguments and reasonable discussion with the latter sometimes being helpful, particularly when it can be communicated with SET.
It is however important for us to know who's duty it is and we need to act with integrity accordingly.
We can only control ourselves. May sound weak but once you get your head to focus fully on yourself it means you maximize the full potential of your power. And changes will happen.
I am trying to figure out how to stop the argument before it gets too far. He tells me its all my fault and then wants to keep arguing. I finally told him today, we needed to walk away from this and calm down, I love him, but don't deserve this behavior.
I feel like I'm going crazy sometimes and wonder if maybe it is me that causes this... .
You don't cause it. But then when things go round in circles you may well contribute it. Check out the LESSONS at the top of the board. There are lots of small things you can change that add up making the situation better.
