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Author Topic: The X, E and BPD  (Read 414 times)
Conundrum
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316


« on: January 31, 2014, 06:23:27 PM »

My prayer of sanity: On the cusp of another weekend I vow to avoid temptation.

So my exSO of 7 years got out of jail a number of weeks ago, and apparently she's still running around with the same fugly companion in crime she got busted with. He's a 40 something unemployed quasi-brain dead tweaker, whose sole accomplishment over the last 10 years consists of repeatedly getting thrown out of every casino in a 60 mile radius for criminal trespass. She's 34 and fine, so he's out-of-her league--but being a chameleon she can easily adapt to that trailer-park-trash lifestyle. With me, she she quaffed pinot noir and watched cinema verite, but now it's Steel Reserve High Gravity and the Real Disordered Housewives with him.

Since she was released from the detention facility, I've been quietly going about my business in a manner which hopefully doesn't appear as if I have "BPD relationship survivor" tattooed on my forehead--staying under the radar until the inevitable call... . unrecognizable number. "Hey Conundrum, I just wanted to hear your voice." Me, "K bye." The next day, "Hey Conundrum, I'm leaving the fugly tweaker." Me, "K bye."  The day after, Hey Conundrum, "I took some E (MDMA) gonna steal a bottle an come over. Me, "K, nice."

Needless to say, she never makes it over. The next morning apparently a voicemail was left in the middle of the night. She must have tried calling and didn't realize she hadn't disconnected.  In the background, I hear paramedics handing her off to the police who were escorting her to the medical center because she was way wasted. She says to the cops in a heavily slurred yet strangely alluring voice. "I just want Conundrum to know I luv him." They tell her that I probably know that. "Whatever, he doesn't fu@king know it," and starts crying. "I just want that man to know that I fu@king luv him."  Well, that message was kinda enchanting in a beautiful mess sort-of-way. She's so pleasant on E.

Fast forward, and I don't hear from her for a week (I don't call or text her these days--too much drugs). So a unknown number comes in when I'm driving with a female friend heading to a out-of-town live music performance. It's Her,"hey I just wanted to say Hi. Me, "Can't talk now." She calls back 45 minutes later. "Hey I wanted to say Hi." Me, "Still driving, can't talk now. I'm with a friend heading to insert out-of-town location." She says, "Maybe you'll get lucky."

Two weeks of blessed silence follow, until today. A call comes in from her compadre in crime's number. I let it go to voicemail. "Hey it's me, I just wanted to call and say hi. I miss you a lot. I think about you all the fu@king time. I just wanted you to know. I still love you. I gotta erase this call off of his phone. He's so possessive. But you can call me in the next 10 minutes." I pass.

Just a splice from mi vida loco... . on the cusp of another weekend I vow to avoid temptation.
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Tausk
Formerly "Schroeder's Piano"
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 843


« Reply #1 on: January 31, 2014, 06:37:14 PM »

Hey there Con: 

I'm sorry for the confusion and pain. I've enjoyed reading your posts and about your recovery. The above post and incidents are so very painful just to read.  I can't imagine how you must be feeling, except that I've gone through similar chaos, irrationality and insanity.  But we are unique in our pain.  But then again, the patterns of the interactions are common.

My ex has totally cut me out of her life now that I've called her on her cheating.  And in some ways I'm jealous of you, in that yours is trying to reengage.  But then again, I don't know if it's actually a compliment to you that she's calling you while she's with someone else.  Triangulation needs participants.  And the only only way not to lose to the disorder is not to participate in the insanity.

I hope your find peace in your responses to all of this.  The emotions are neutral in that we experience our emotions: anger, fear, elation, hope, excitement... . but, how we respond to them is what separates whether our actions are productive or destructive.   Our exes have almost no self control when it comes to responding to their feelings.  But we can be different.  We can make difficult choices based on what is best for us.

My only advice is, "if you can't be good, be careful."  Be safe.  The above is indicative of potential for danger on many levels. 

I'll keep you and your ex and her current attachment in my thoughts and prayers.  So much sadness.

Thanks for sharing and for your courage.

T
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Conundrum
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316


« Reply #2 on: January 31, 2014, 10:30:36 PM »

Triangulation needs participants.  And the only only way not to lose to the disorder is not to participate in the insanity.



So true, and desire may ensnare both angel and sepent, and what lies between. Thanks for your cool intelligent comment.
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patientandclear
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Relationship status: single
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« Reply #3 on: February 01, 2014, 09:38:35 PM »

Conundrum, are there circumstances under which you'd want to engage with her to a greater extent than "OK, bye?"

I have a sense from past posts that you've set some boundaries/limits on the terms on which you'd have more extensive involvement with her.  Would you mind sharing, if there are different facts which would change your reaction to contact from her?

Good luck with what sounds like a hard dynamic this weekend.
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Conundrum
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Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 316


« Reply #4 on: February 02, 2014, 02:11:26 AM »

Conundrum, are there circumstances under which you'd want to engage with her to a greater extent than "OK, bye?"

I have a sense from past posts that you've set some boundaries/limits on the terms on which you'd have more extensive involvement with her.  Would you mind sharing, if there are different facts which would change your reaction to contact from her?

Good luck with what sounds like a hard dynamic this weekend.

Hi Patient, hope you're doing well.

Many elements in play. Received 4 back-to-back calls earlier today from an unknown number--no message. Didn't pick up. I googled the No. Sure enough it was from a Shell gas station outside of town where she's hanging.

Totally freaky, I crashed at 6pm for a bit today, and around 8pm I'm slowly awoken out of a pretty deep slumber by some noise. Totally foggy, I look out my bedroom window to see her car pulling away. Funny, she was probably knocking a while.

Ok, I'm going to answer what you're getting at straight up. I knew she'd start to crack soon because last Valentines Day is the most terrible day we split. The one year mark holds emotional import for both of us. This will be the closest she'll come to self-introspection in a year.       

What's happened to her over the last year is so immense, the only way she's been able to cope is drugs and denial. Lost me her SO who she lived with for years, lost her defacto step-kids, lost her job of 5 years with a major company (a good one for a person without a BA), her credit is destroyed, her car's in repo status, blew her 401k in a week, has felony criminal charges for larceny pending, addicted to meth, addicted to alcohol, and possibly a gambling addiction. Dead broke, no phone, no stable residence (motel surfing, sleeping in her car), and has been hanging (w men) who are total outcasts. The current creature of the last few months literally is a psychopathic loser. Due to my profession I have access to his entire life story and it's so weak. Even wasted, it has got to cross her mind that she has regressed back to what she was before we met. I kinda raised her from the time she was 26. Loved her greatly, but no doubt there's been a paternal element too.

Our connection's for life. Despite the disorder--we're permanently bonded. I've lived long enough to know that. I've been dealing with mentally ill people professionally for so many decades, and as bad as BPD is--it's just not on the same going, going, gone, wave-length as a severe schizophrenic off meds. The 7 years we spent together were awesome. Sure a learning experience for us both, but there were rules in place--for both of us--and a lot of success. She achieved more with me than ever before. The domestic and maternal help she provided when my kids were wee little guys was invaluable. We were a rockin little family, for a long time.

But she snapped, when I finally committed to her. It took me three years to fall in love with her, and another 4 before I kind of entertained the notion of marriage. All the idealizing stuff was shut down by me from the get go. I knew exactly what was going on (didn't know it was BPD) but clearly low self-esteem. So many talks with her from the beginning about finding her identity independent from me, empowering her self esteem. But I didn't know about her real dark sexual side until after the break. The childhood abuse and her mother's abandonment at 5, really did a number on her. I always knew there were major sexual issues within her--but with all the other changes she's was making I didn't push that until there was the explosion--she self destructed.  So after the fact, I've come to learn a lot more about her sexuality and some of her dark needs. It's been an eye opener.

But to answer your question. I can't be around her anymore because the meth and alcohol use has become so extreme, it's beyond the limits of anything I can sanction. I've done a lot of substances with her over this crazy year, but I can't hold onto my integrity any longer and enable that. She was 100% clean and sober during the years we lived together.

If she got off the drugs and alcohol (on her own), got back into the structured BPD treatment program that she dropped out of, I'd live with her again in a heartbeat. The dilemma is my kids, because I'm not going to put them through too much krazy making at this point. They truly come first. If I didn't have them--I'd be much more willing to take risks with her. Right now, for the first time post break-up she's learning consequences. She will either kick her habit, start picking up the pieces (for herself) or she won't. I'll survive one way or another. I've seen a lot in this life and have a really strong independent streak in me. There's so many things that I'm obligated to do, and the time left over is precious to me.

I love this girl/woman quite a lot and always will, and even with the disorder she's never going to be able to get me out of her mind  Smiling (click to insert in post).  But, she's young enough to marry and have kids--if she ever recovers. Not sure though, if that will ever be our destiny. I can see myself being left by her in my mid 50's raising a baby again while she's flaking out somewhere. Doable, but not really what I would like for an infant or myself. If she ever gets a stable residence, a job, and a phone--(and off drugs) I'd be willing to date her again. Even now, I still don't mind hanging out with her, as long as she's not consumed and fixated on the meth.

As you know I've written about possessory interests. We do not own these people. They are volatile beings and can only tame themselves. I accept this woman for who she is, but I can't enable her self-destruction any longer. I'd be fine having a non-exclusive relationship. But that isn't the same thing as a committed relationship. Being committed to me means monogamous. And being committed with her, expressly entails being clean, and her participating in state-of-the-art therapy. We will have to see. One thing I know is I'll never give up on her, but I also will never, ever permit abuse, or allow a living environment that isn't highly structured and functional. Accountability, responsibility is expected from all of us--in the family unit--between the couple--and despite the disorder. All things change--that's ok too.
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