Conundrum, are there circumstances under which you'd want to engage with her to a greater extent than "OK, bye?"
I have a sense from past posts that you've set some boundaries/limits on the terms on which you'd have more extensive involvement with her. Would you mind sharing, if there are different facts which would change your reaction to contact from her?
Good luck with what sounds like a hard dynamic this weekend.
Hi Patient, hope you're doing well.
Many elements in play. Received 4 back-to-back calls earlier today from an unknown number--no message. Didn't pick up. I googled the No. Sure enough it was from a Shell gas station outside of town where she's hanging.
Totally freaky, I crashed at 6pm for a bit today, and around 8pm I'm slowly awoken out of a pretty deep slumber by some noise. Totally foggy, I look out my bedroom window to see her car pulling away. Funny, she was probably knocking a while.
Ok, I'm going to answer what you're getting at straight up. I knew she'd start to crack soon because last Valentines Day is the most terrible day we split. The one year mark holds emotional import for both of us. This will be the closest she'll come to self-introspection in a year.
What's happened to her over the last year is so immense, the only way she's been able to cope is drugs and denial. Lost me her SO who she lived with for years, lost her defacto step-kids, lost her job of 5 years with a major company (a good one for a person without a BA), her credit is destroyed, her car's in repo status, blew her 401k in a week, has felony criminal charges for larceny pending, addicted to meth, addicted to alcohol, and possibly a gambling addiction. Dead broke, no phone, no stable residence (motel surfing, sleeping in her car), and has been hanging (w men) who are total outcasts. The current creature of the last few months literally is a psychopathic loser. Due to my profession I have access to his entire life story and it's so weak. Even wasted, it has got to cross her mind that she has regressed back to what she was before we met. I kinda raised her from the time she was 26. Loved her greatly, but no doubt there's been a paternal element too.
Our connection's for life. Despite the disorder--we're permanently bonded. I've lived long enough to know that. I've been dealing with mentally ill people professionally for so many decades, and as bad as BPD is--it's just not on the same going, going, gone, wave-length as a severe schizophrenic off meds. The 7 years we spent together were awesome. Sure a learning experience for us both, but there were rules in place--for both of us--and a lot of success. She achieved more with me than ever before. The domestic and maternal help she provided when my kids were wee little guys was invaluable. We were a rockin little family, for a long time.
But she snapped, when I finally committed to her. It took me three years to fall in love with her, and another 4 before I kind of entertained the notion of marriage. All the idealizing stuff was shut down by me from the get go. I knew exactly what was going on (didn't know it was BPD) but clearly low self-esteem. So many talks with her from the beginning about finding her identity independent from me, empowering her self esteem. But I didn't know about her real dark sexual side until after the break. The childhood abuse and her mother's abandonment at 5, really did a number on her. I always knew there were major sexual issues within her--but with all the other changes she's was making I didn't push that until there was the explosion--she self destructed. So after the fact, I've come to learn a lot more about her sexuality and some of her dark needs. It's been an eye opener.
But to answer your question. I can't be around her anymore because the meth and alcohol use has become so extreme, it's beyond the limits of anything I can sanction. I've done a lot of substances with her over this crazy year, but I can't hold onto my integrity any longer and enable that. She was 100% clean and sober during the years we lived together.
If she got off the drugs and alcohol (on her own), got back into the structured BPD treatment program that she dropped out of, I'd live with her again in a heartbeat. The dilemma is my kids, because I'm not going to put them through too much krazy making at this point. They truly come first. If I didn't have them--I'd be much more willing to take risks with her. Right now, for the first time post break-up she's learning consequences. She will either kick her habit, start picking up the pieces (for herself) or she won't. I'll survive one way or another. I've seen a lot in this life and have a really strong independent streak in me. There's so many things that I'm obligated to do, and the time left over is precious to me.
I love this girl/woman quite a lot and always will, and even with the disorder she's never going to be able to get me out of her mind
. But, she's young enough to marry and have kids--if she ever recovers. Not sure though, if that will ever be our destiny. I can see myself being left by her in my mid 50's raising a baby again while she's flaking out somewhere. Doable, but not really what I would like for an infant or myself. If she ever gets a stable residence, a job, and a phone--(and off drugs) I'd be willing to date her again. Even now, I still don't mind hanging out with her, as long as she's not consumed and fixated on the meth.
As you know I've written about possessory interests. We do not own these people. They are volatile beings and can only tame themselves. I accept this woman for who she is, but I can't enable her self-destruction any longer. I'd be fine having a non-exclusive relationship. But that isn't the same thing as a committed relationship. Being committed to me means monogamous. And being committed with her, expressly entails being clean, and her participating in state-of-the-art therapy. We will have to see. One thing I know is I'll never give up on her, but I also will never, ever permit abuse, or allow a living environment that isn't highly structured and functional. Accountability, responsibility is expected from all of us--in the family unit--between the couple--and despite the disorder. All things change--that's ok too.
