Reconciling

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I think the hardest thing for me right now is reconciling the person I fell in love with and had a glorious love affair with the person I had at the end. As I'm sure is the case with all of us my ex was perfect. We were so in love. I honestly believe she was too. If not she deserves an academy award. We were smitten. That's the part that tears my heart out on a daily basis. It's the polar opposite of the person I had at the end and with whom I talk to when one of us breaks NC.

Somewhere in my mind I think she will see the light. I mean who would not chose happiness?... Sure the argument is that she wasn't happy with me and all her relationships have ended like this. I think ours was different though. I always felt that. I thought what we had was special.

I'll read this later and feel like a pu**y. Mornings are always harder, plus I work alone from my home and have too much time in my head.

[buddy1226]

I think the hardest thing for me right now is reconciling the person I fell in love with and had a glorious love affair with the person I had at the end. As I'm sure is the case with all of us my ex was perfect. We were so in love. I honestly believe she was too. If not she deserves an academy award. We were smitten. That's the part that tears my heart out on a daily basis. It's the polar opposite of the person I had at the end and with whom I talk to when one of us breaks NC.

Somewhere in my mind I think she will see the light. I mean who would not chose happiness?... Sure the argument is that she wasn't happy with me and all her relationships have ended like this. I think ours was different though. I always felt that. I thought what we had was special.

I'll read this later and feel like a pu**y. Mornings are always harder, plus I work alone from my home and have too much time in my head.

[Johnny Alias]

Buddy go to a cafe to work if you can.  Get out of the house.  Isolation will totally jack you up.  At least do it for the lunch hour if you can. 

Breathe. 

Right now you're in pain and you think she's the answer to the pain.  My favorite analogy is this... .

She's not the oasis in the desert that will save you from the heat... . SHE IS THE HEAT. 

My biggest problem is thinking that it is something that I did.  Sure I made mistakes, but my GOD I didnt deserve all the abuse she dished out on me.  Not after everything I did for her.  No way. 

Listen... . I wake up EVERY morning and go to sites like this, and look at some of my favorite posts people have made to CALM ME DOWN... . at least when I don't have company sleeping beside me.  I'm still SO shocked at what happened it really is PTSD.  The cognitive dissonance over what I thought was real vs reality is just too much to comprehend. 

It was all an act... . or even if it wasn't it was having a relationship with a 5 year old.  All a 5 year old thinks about is themself.  They might love for instances here and there, but they have yet to develop empathy or a conscience in many cases.  All that matters is themself and their enjoyment in THIS moment.  You can't hope to have a loving reciprocral relationship with someone like that and THEY ARE NOT GOING TO CHANGE.  They might attenuate their behavior a bit with therapy... . but that's rare and they are VERY MUCH resisting their instincts. 

It's all about them on one level or another... . even if its sexing you up or being nice to keep you around.  It's not done out of altruism. 

[Johnny Alias]

Just hang in there.  She's the hurricane that blew over your house.  That was what was in her nature.  Now you can rebuild it any way you want. 

Oh and STOP BREAKING NC.  Sorry.  My opinion but you should NEVER have to talk to her again unless you have kids.  Everything can be blocked.  If she shows up at your door don't answer.  It's your choice to keep hurting yourself. 

[mgl210]

Don't feel bad my friend,

I feel exactly how you feel. I find myself thinking the same exact way all the time... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi buddy,

I hear you. That reconciling is so hard, and I'm sorry you are struggling with it.  My r/s with pwBPD was based a lot on fantasy.  When I realized to what extent I had bought into that, I felt really bad about myself.

It's really normal to want to go back to that wonderful time.  I'm not going to say it wasn't real – it may have been a love story for the ages– but the fact is, that is gone now.  It isn't likely to come back because you know too much, both of you.  And very likely you have become her trigger, which reminds her of her previous suffering.

I think with time, it won't be so painful to remember the good times, because you won't long for them anymore, you'll be detached and more objective.

Hugs to you 

[buddy1226]

Thanks. I think a lot of it was the fantasy I had. We looked good on paper and it should have been perfect nd we did of course have good times. But If I really stop and get real there was drama from the very start. It was how she rolled. As if that created a bond. I guess I have to admit that I played into it as well but only to the extent of it being playful, puppy love drama. She would do an about face early on nd do things so hurtful that I would never think of doing like staging an argument then going to visit an ex bf out of town for the weekend. Not telling me where she was or answering her phone all weekend then telling me when she got back (she said no sex as her kid was with her). This was as early on as 60 days into dating when we would have been experiencing a euphoric time. Breakups out of the blue. I should have told her to ___ off so early on. Damn I wish I would have! Do you realize how diferent my life and state of being would be right now... No you don't but let me tel you it would be 180 degrees the other way. Not to brag but I had a great life and thought an age appropriate (I was dating a lot of cougars up until her) hottie was the missing piece. Ha! It was the piece that took me down. I'm a shell of the person I was before. I had two Audi's, a house, a good business, was in shape, clean/sober and LIVING! Now I'm broke, living in an apartment and trying to get back while head ___ed over her.

This will pass, I know ans such is life. I'm just venting. I've pissed her off and I have a CDV trial coming up with her. She was going to go in and tell the truth but after she came over last week and spent the night I sent a pic of us in bed to her family that was siding with her and thought I had been calling her. I also recorded our pillow talk for over three hours where she admitted that I was innocent. She doesn't know that.

Johnny, you're good peeps, man. If we were in the and town we'd hang and run some leg together. Most of my friends are married and don't get this. Glad to hear you are doing well and I hope to be back slaying some ass before summer...

[Johnny Alias]

Hey thanks buddy.  Pints all around!  You'll be okay.  This is the rebuilding stage. 

Random question... . do you have a dog?  Might want to get one if you don't.  Unconditional love will get you far during these times. 

[fromheeltoheal]

I mean who would not choose happiness?

Someone with a personality disorder wants to be happy too, it's just extremely difficult and short lived.  We can't make other people happy, although that's a common theme; so do you think she was a generally happy person or generally not?

You're 42 and you're saying things like we'd hang and run some leg together and I hope to be back slaying some ass before summer... .  Not judging, just saying, but there might be some growth for you there.

[Findingmysong723]

I mean who would not choose happiness?

Someone with a personality disorder wants to be happy too, it's just extremely difficult and short lived.  We can't make other people happy, although that's a common theme; so you think she was a generally happy person or generally not?

That quote rings true for me and most of us I'm sure! My Ex boyfriend was not a happy person and when I was "making him happy" things were good but of course that doesn't last long! In real life you partner can make you happier but if your not happy with yourself and your own life, someone else can't do it for you. Also, that person should not be expected to either!

[buddy1226]

I now fromheeltohea. I'm sure there is some growth to be done here. I was just being stupid. However I do long for the days when I will not be sweating a disordered female and have  more light and carefree attitude towards dating.

But point taken. Sorry.

[mgl210]

My absolute fear is that because of this experience that I will be scared to death to let any female near my heart and that when the right one does come along that I will be so scarred that I will push her away and make her negative towards finding her own happiness...

[fromheeltoheal]

My absolute fear is that because of this experience that I will be scared to death to let any female near my heart and that when the right one does come along that I will be so scarred that I will push her away and make her negative towards finding her own happiness...

On the other hand, do you really think you'd fall for the same crap again?  Right from the very beginning my gut feel was telling me something wasn't right with my ex, and I ignored it.  With all the growth and all the pain I really don't see myself falling for that again.  Sure, a gorgeous, magnetic woman coming on strong is intoxicating, especially if you're lonely at the time, but just slowing down, paying attention and not ignoring things that bug me would have saved a lot of heartache.  The next gal is going to have to work a little to show me she's got her feet on the ground, and I expect her to require the same of me.  And there's a sunset with string music in our future, once we traverse the psycho tests... .

[mgl210]

Considering the fact that she and I have gone through... . six recycles? Yeah I think that I would be stupid enough to believe that it could work. I really do care a great deal about her and yes I admit that I still love her as well. I hope that I would be stronger, but I don't know what would happen... .

MGL

[winston72]

I think the hardest thing for me right now is reconciling the person I fell in love with and had a glorious love affair with the person I had at the end. As I'm sure is the case with all of us my ex was perfect. We were so in love. I honestly believe she was too. If not she deserves an academy award. We were smitten. That's the part that tears my heart out on a daily basis. It's the polar opposite of the person I had at the end and with whom I talk to when one of us breaks NC.

Somewhere in my mind I think she will see the light. I mean who would not chose happiness?... Sure the argument is that she wasn't happy with me and all her relationships have ended like this. I think ours was different though. I always felt that. I thought what we had was special.

I'll read this later and feel like a pu**y. Mornings are always harder, plus I work alone from my home and have too much time in my head.

Buddy... . awesome post!  It could have come from my fingertips to the keyboard, word for word... . with the exception of working from home!  I would like to say, however, that I am far enough along to be feeling free and energetic more often than not.

I had a lot of difficulty with the lingering emotional connection and longing for that special woman who was my partner.  In my case she was lying to me deliberately and extremely as she was conducting a relationship with another man, unbeknownst to me, for the first year that I knew her.  Wow, that sounds stupid on my part!  My emotional connection to those fond memories were more powerful than the knowledge of her duplicity.  And, I did not have comprehensive information about how badly she had acted... . while acting so wonderfully with me.

So, after several months of no contact, I began to email her with questions about the actual sequence of events between me and her and between her and the other man.  It was really helpful for me to reconstruct an actual history that is accurate, and it gave me the tools to work on allowing my emotions to align with the facts.

The disparity between the person we experience for an extended period of time, and then the person that is fully in place as time goes on is really confusing mentally and emotionally.  It is very traumatic.  And I am not using the words fake vs real, or that sense that the "true" person emerges.  I find it best for me to see all of these behaviors as part of the whole person.  The good girl/bad girl split is an incomplete understanding of her as a person and it allows the image of the good girl, the idealized form to stay alive in me without being influenced by the hurtful things that are just as much a part of who she is.

There is a reason why this web site is called bpdfamily.com... . it is the most concise expression of the way to understand what happened to us, what is going on with our former partners and what is most essential for us to move on with our lives.