parent with high-functioning BPD

[SeekingHealing]

Anyone find it extremely frustrating to have a parent who (undiagnosed, but possibly) has a high-functioning type of BPD and only those who live with them know that emotionally unstable side of them?  When I tell people how my childhood was, they think it sounds like a movie.  A Lifetime movie or something.

[Contradancer]

Absolutely, YES!  It's frustrating, isn't it?  The only friends that believe me are the ones who have someone in their family that has a mental illness.

Actually, it seems many BPDs do well at work while floundering at home.

[Tincup]

I am on the other side of this.  My exgf was high-functioning and has two boys now in the 20's and appear to be well adjusted boys.  Everything seemed great from the outside.  She is somewhere between a waif and a hermit.  I never lived with her, and the only times I was around the boys and her everything seemed just fine.  I would love to know what it was like in that household behind closed doors.  I really feel for everyone on this board.

[SeekingHealing]

I believe my dad is a mixture of queen and hermit.  He is into speaking positively and being positive, so he never called us stupid or other names, but we were still criticized a lot (supposedly constructive criticism, which some of it was, but the WAY he said it and tried to enforce it was so over the top.)  My brother and I were grounded for months at a time (no privileges at all).  We spent a lot of our teen years being grounded, which i think was a way to keep us home and more controlled.  My friend still remembers when I was grounded for drying one sweater in the dryer.  He expected all As on report cards and if we didnt get that, we were grounded till the next report card.  Of course he was never actively involved in our education though.  Didnt have time.

Im not sure if I should be on this thread or the other one.  I am not being abused now.  Im concerned about my parents though.  They do have a drinking problem, which my uncle and I confronted them about it and they admitted they were drinking too much, but they always think they can fix the problem themselves and dont get help.

[Sitara]

SeekingHealing, you could be describing my mom.  She loved giving "constructive criticism."  No matter how well I did at something, the best possible praise I could get was, "well, that's what we expect you to do."  I've never been acknowledged for doing anything good.  I remember getting a two hour lecture because I brought home a B in school, and not once did she bother to ask why - just all accusations and blame.  I'm sorry you experienced the same thing.

[Bracken]

Yes!

Withholding of praise

Sounds like a lot of us grew up with way too much criticism and negativity.

And even harder if we had parents who were skilled at impression management. So that the rest of the world assumed that we had WONDERFUL parenting. "Splitting" is supposed to be an essential part of BPD. Our parents could split all their "charm", "niceness" and "positivity" off and put into a nice social package - for the outside world to see and admire.

[Contradancer]

I have a Queen Witch BPDm and enabler father. I've not only suffered with her constant criticism and negativity, but am sure the moment I hear a compliment from her that some place not nice has frozen over.

[nevermore]

My mother is extremely high functioning and sly as a fox.  She is thinking three steps ahead all of the time and to the outside world she is just this sweet little old lady.  It is frustrating and exhausting to have to measure every word you say to them because whenever possible she will turn it around and use it against me.  If she were not so high functioning it seems it would be easier to let some of it go. The number one thing that helps me cope is talking to someone else who is dealing with a BPD parent.  They understand like no one else. That is why it is so important to be active here.  Even if you can't add anything just tell someone "I hear you."

[Widget]

My mother is extremely high functioning and sly as a fox.  She is thinking three steps ahead all of the time and to the outside world she is just this sweet little old lady.  It is frustrating and exhausting to have to measure every word you say to them because whenever possible she will turn it around and use it against me.  If she were not so high functioning it seems it would be easier to let some of it go. The number one thing that helps me cope is talking to someone else who is dealing with a BPD parent.  They understand like no one else. That is why it is so important to be active here.  Even if you can't add anything just tell someone "I hear you."

I could have written this.  I'm Widget.  My mother is now deceased but she was a high-functioning BPD who also had npd traits, antisocial pd traits, and OCPD traits.  I'm here because I can't seem to let go of her; I struggle daily with the negative impact her abuse had on me.  She was physically abusive as well as emotionally abusive, yet she could be kind and sweet sometimes too.  But overall, I feared her.  I needed her desperately and wanted to love her, and yet I was afraid of my own mother.  She actually told me in person, and wrote about it too, that she didn't like me and had never liked me.  She felt that I was a cold, unloving, critical infant who rejected her as a mother and she retained that view of me for life. 

Somehow, I think that if I had just been able to be consciously aware of the truth as a child: if I had understood and accepted that my own mother was mentally ill and did not love me (even resented me) and that it wasn't my fault, and if I had been allowed to bond with another, more healthy and empathetic mother-figure, that things would have been so different and so much better for me. 

I want to overcome my bitterness.  Life is too short to go through it embittered.

[nevermore]

Widget, your mother's description of you as an infant who rejected her is word for word how my mother describes my brother whom she never liked. As a result my father who was her enforcer and extremely enmeshed didn't like him either.  I don't think as children we could have understood that it was a mental disorder. I still have trouble with that since she is so very smart.  I wish I could help you let go of the pain because my only hope is once my mother is no longer in my life I won't be so troubled by the way she has treated me and my brother.  Have you tried therapy?  Journaling?  I'm here for you. 

[Bracken]

Hi Widget and others here.

It is great to want to overcome bitterness.

I went to a counsellor for a while, a couple of years back - and a very important thing she told me was that what I considered to be overpowering SADNESS at the time was actually unacknowledged ANGER. And now, I have been (14 years behind everyone else!) watching The Sopranos on DVD - and the T in that show just said the same thing to Tony Soprano. In fact, the character who interests me most in that show is his horrid mother. I bet there was a LOT of comment on her, on this Forum, when the show first came out. 

I don't know if my Mother is alive or not. To be honest: I wish I did know. Then there would be that closure at least. But, I am definitely not going to try and find out - because it is essential to stay NC.

Take care,  friends

[Sitara]

She felt that I was a cold, unloving, critical infant who rejected her as a mother and she retained that view of me for life.

This is so sad!  I think my mom may have done the same thing to my older sister.  Obviously I wasn't around to see it, but my mom would constantly tell me about how my sister was "born off" and talk about how colicky she was and say that she didn't want to be held.  My mom's rejection of me came much later, "when I was a teenager she went to hug me and I pushed her away," and she fully admits that's when she cut me out because I rejected her and she couldn't trust me.  She brings that one up all the time as some sort of proof that I started it all and she's completely justified being mean towards me because I'm always mean towards her.

"Splitting" is supposed to be an essential part of BPD. Our parents could split all their "charm", "niceness" and "positivity" off and put into a nice social package - for the outside world to see and admire

My mom was awarded some notoriety in the public eye in regards to her wonderful abilities with children, so I always felt completely unjustified in my feelings of her not being a great mom for a very long time.

My mother is extremely high functioning and sly as a fox.  She is thinking three steps ahead all of the time and to the outside world she is just this sweet little old lady.  It is frustrating and exhausting to have to measure every word you say to them because whenever possible she will turn it around and use it against me.

I eventually started telling her less and less about my personal life so she'd have less ammunition for later use. 

[LT22]

Yesyesyes!

I am brand new to this site, but reading these comments will already help me sleep easier at night!

Although I don't wish high-functioning BPD parents on anyone, it is SO relieving to see that people are feeling the same way I do!

[nevermore]

Bracken you mentioned the character of Livia from the Sopranos. I have never seen anything so close to my mother as that character.  She has the same mannerisms, says the same things and is just as mean.  When one of my sibs changed careers she said "I want to see him fail!"  Gulp! Seriously?  All of the talk Tony's mom does about wishing she was dead... .ditto.  All the guilt trips and poor me victim stuff... .ditto.

[SeekingHealing]

I'm so sorry to those whose mothers did not like them from infancy.  So sad!

My father has been very successful in his work life and it has not always been easy for him but he is highly motivated.  He would often talk about being "fatigued" from work and i dont think it was only becaus3 of the work itself, but because he put in so much effort emotionally--being such a positive, well-liked manager.   It was like it drained him and then at home, he didnt have much patience for us.  He retired from the company and now works somewhere else and was promoted to co-director.  I had called him one day asking if he and I could skype because i needed to talk to him about something (first time i had asked him to do that, just us two).  When we met on skype, he said "can i tell you something first?" So im like, sure.  So he tells me he just got promoted.  Then he goes on for i dont know how long about about his work stuff and how he got the promotion.  Do you know what one of the main things was that i had wanted to talk to him about?  That it seemed like his job was more important than me (all my life).  When I did say that finally, he said it wasnt true.

Anyone else's parent get so worn out from work that you felt like they put way mor3 effort into their career than your relationship?

[Aerials]

It is beyond frustrating!  I started to know something was wrong when I was about ten, but now that I am in my early thirties I finally realize how disturbed she was because I am at the age now that she was when I was a little kid.  I would not really use "high-functioning," but if the bar is set low at the not institutionalized or in jail level, then yeah, high-functioning and often quitting jobs, losing friendships, and sabotaging every familial relationship with emotional abuse and screaming.  She would always find male psychiatrists, focus on her stories (I think lies) of being abused, and then come home and scream at us for being ungrateful and threatening that one day she would just be gone.  I always wished she would just go already when I was a kid. 

[Bracken]

This is helpful 

Aerial has written of the UNGRATEFUL theme. That was a mantra of my mother's. I especially, the scapegoat,  was condemned nonstop from toddlerhood as "that ungrateful little bhit".

Another mantra was that we had to APOLOGIZE continually. About anything and everything - or nothing except that she was in a "mood". And when we dutifully said "I'm sorry" - ( sensing that it was really about our very existence) -  she would usually say "Being sorry isn't ENOUGH".

And Aerial, she also kept threatening to leave. Or to die.

People who grow with that kind of parent - even if we are not BPD ourselves - certainly have issues with self-esteem and fear of abandonment.

[SeekingHealing]

Yeah my dad would play the card "I work so hard, i have to work so many hours and then i come home and (blah blah... .complaints about the rest of us slacking off or whatever)

Instead of doing anything fun as a family, we would have to wash cars, even when we had a big van and it was freezing outside, ANd we had to wash them exactly the way he wanted them washed and dried.  And dont you dare drop that rag on the ground and use it on the car because the dirt particles will scratch the paint.

We had to wear socks in the house at all times.  No shoes and no bare feet.  The oils from your feet get on the carpet and dirt will stick to it.  I swear there were so many things that he ingrained in us. 

Sorry, kinda went off on a tangent.

It is interesting that you mention sadness as anger.  I have realized that i have more anger than i thought.  Especially since my dad just expects us to move on and not mention the past since he already apologized.  But honestly, his apologies dont seem to be specific enough.

[Bracken]

My heartfelt empathy to Simplene and others sharing here.

This Forum is one place where people WILL believe us! Just having that validation is so important.

Even now - with kids and grandkids of my own - and having done some therapy a few years back - I still find it really helpful to come here. For one thing, my daughter is BPD too. I found the Therapist I went to helpful in some ways - but in other ways she just didn't get it

Take care all     Especially at this very challenging time of year, for families with BPD.

Bracken

[DesertChild]

No one believe me either because she hid well behind the wall I call the fake shiny. The smiles and trying to get attention. Personally, I'm leaning towards she's a mix of NPD and BPD with a whole side of doesn't really care and never wanted children in the first place. So I'm a nuisance.

Those I have told, I told only once and they chose to "forget" and put the onus on me.

It's tough out there. So I say hang in there and do your best.

[Alastor]

Anyone find it extremely frustrating to have a parent who (undiagnosed, but possibly) has a high-functioning type of BPD and only those who live with them know that emotionally unstable side of them?  When I tell people how my childhood was, they think it sounds like a movie.  A Lifetime movie or something.

High functioning ones are tough cookies. They don't fit into the usual picture of a BPD patient tearing out their hair in a mental hospital, so their efforts to blacken us can be particularly damaging since many outsiders never see the whacky rages.

My BPDmom is very intelligent, moderately successful at work (although she can't interact with colleagues on a deep level without running into problems), and takes very good care of herself. She is competent. That's why, yes, many people (including myself) couldn't understand what the problem in our relationship was. Anyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes that I am some kind of punk loser who is mean to his mommy.

However, there can be bright spots (if that is what we can call them). A few times someone has been privy to one of her irrational blow outs, then they suddenly understand. For example, a contractor working around the house with whom she had gotten close and to whom she had blackened me. One day she just raged at him for disagreeing with her, threatened to call the cops, sue etc. Guy was bewildered. I took a certain schadenfreude from it

[SeekingHealing]

Anyone find it extremely frustrating to have a parent who (undiagnosed, but possibly) has a high-functioning type of BPD and only those who live with them know that emotionally unstable side of them?  When I tell people how my childhood was, they think it sounds like a movie.  A Lifetime movie or something.

High functioning ones are tough cookies. They don't fit into the usual picture of a BPD patient tearing out their hair in a mental hospital, so their efforts to blacken us can be particularly damaging since many outsiders never see the whacky rages.

My BPDmom is very intelligent, moderately successful at work (although she can't interact with colleagues on a deep level without running into problems), and takes very good care of herself. She is competent. That's why, yes, many people (including myself) couldn't understand what the problem in our relationship was. Anyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes that I am some kind of punk loser who is mean to his mommy.

However, there can be bright spots (if that is what we can call them). A few times someone has been privy to one of her irrational blow outs, then they suddenly understand. For example, a contractor working around the house with whom she had gotten close and to whom she had blackened me. One day she just raged at him for disagreeing with her, threatened to call the cops, sue etc. Guy was bewildered. I took a certain schadenfreude from it

YESSSSSSS!  My dad will blow up at complete strangers when it comes to customer service.  He will make a scene and get angry and intimidate people.  I would always get so embarrassed if I was with him in that situation.

[Botswana Agate]

Anyone find it extremely frustrating to have a parent who (undiagnosed, but possibly) has a high-functioning type of BPD and only those who live with them know that emotionally unstable side of them?  When I tell people how my childhood was, they think it sounds like a movie.  A Lifetime movie or something.

High functioning ones are tough cookies. They don't fit into the usual picture of a BPD patient tearing out their hair in a mental hospital, so their efforts to blacken us can be particularly damaging since many outsiders never see the whacky rages.

My BPDmom is very intelligent, moderately successful at work (although she can't interact with colleagues on a deep level without running into problems), and takes very good care of herself. She is competent. That's why, yes, many people (including myself) couldn't understand what the problem in our relationship was. Anyone who doesn't know me automatically assumes that I am some kind of punk loser who is mean to his mommy.

However, there can be bright spots (if that is what we can call them). A few times someone has been privy to one of her irrational blow outs, then they suddenly understand. For example, a contractor working around the house with whom she had gotten close and to whom she had blackened me. One day she just raged at him for disagreeing with her, threatened to call the cops, sue etc. Guy was bewildered. I took a certain schadenfreude from it

YESSSSSSS!  My dad will blow up at complete strangers when it comes to customer service.  He will make a scene and get angry and intimidate people.  I would always get so embarrassed if I was with him in that situation.

MY BPD MOM, TOO!  WOW, if something, even the teeniest *something*, was not to her liking in a retail/restaurant situation, you could bet your bottom dollar that she'd have at least the manager over to complain to.  In a restaurant, she'd routinely send her entrees back because they were "cold" (in other words, not hot enough to scald your tongue, in which case she'd probably sue for damages because it'd be too hot).  In retail stores, she'd create the biggest scenes if something wasn't rung up right, or if something wasn't in stock that she wanted RIGHTNOW.  She threatened to sue a travel company, wrote the state attorney general and the Better Business Bureau because said travel company didn't notify her about a change in some itinerary plan.  I later found out that she'd blown it all out of proportion, but she refused to admit she was wrong. *eyeroll* 

And the funny part?  Her degree is in mental health counseling.

[Sitara]

Ugh. Eating out with my mom was horrible.  She'd always have insane impossible requests for her food, insist she knew more about how the food was prepped than the server, and then when the server asked the "How is your food," question, she always responded with "Well hit_ is wrong, but it's okay, I'll deal. I'm not one to complain."

[Botswana Agate]

Oh gads, Sitara, and then when she'd complain either loudly or passive-aggressively, she'd get the discount she wanted and then be all ingratiatingly sweet like she didn't "mean" to make a big deal, BUT. . .    Why did I put up with it for so long. . .

[keldubs78]

Yes.  My uBPD mom even convinced an entire staff of doctors and therapists at a mental health facility that she just has anxiety and that it's because of us (her family).  My dad temporarily left and said he would file for divorce if she didn't get some help so she agreed to go to an inpatient hospital.  After 20 days, that was the result.  She can be perfectly nice and sweet when she's not in her home environment.  In that case she really played up her role as a victim and they believed every last word of it.  I have often wished someone could secretly record her behavior when she's just with us.  They would be seeing things a little differently if they could see what we see.

[StarStruck]

Me too! Mom high functioning. Hence why it took me so long to work all this out. Highly critical (constructive - yea right), irritable, black/white people, emotional, lost opportunities for praise, OCD style behaviors. Nasty snapping. Aggressive out bursts. Insecure. Never never never never never never never never never has said sorry.

O and charming.

The queen witch !