We Started Talking Again, Then She Disappeared

[SheAskedForaBreak]

We started talking again after a month of NC.  We talked for three weeks straight and now, after her trying to increase the frequency with which we spoke, she hasn't called on a day she said she would.  This is the first time she's missed a call.  I called her the next day after we spoke and left a voicemail and I got no response.  It's as though she got what she wanted, me calling her, and now she's gone again.  I knew it would happen, I even told her she would do it.  Now I'm not sure how I feel.   

[buddy1226]

I know how I'd feel. Pissed! Sounds like something mine would do. I'm guessing you guys aren't in the same town and been hanging out. Wouldn't it be nice to not care? I sure wish I didn't. that's their weapon against us. They use our attachment against us. Someone on here said that yesterday and it rang so true.

They are poison, man. The worst possible thing we could have in our lives. I totally believe that. NC is the only answer. I got burned last week too and I always end up a week later wishing I had it to do over.

Sorry tp hear it. I use to predict mines behavior to her as well thinking she would try to prove me wrong. She didn't/ Whatever was the worst possible thing she could do to hurt me was what she was going to do weather I called it or not. Block her sorry ass and never let her hear the sound of your voice again. We don't have to take their crap. Let someone else be the pooper scooper. In my case they are doing nothing more than taking the worst problem I've ever had in my life. I should thank them.

[growing_wings]

sheaskedfora break... .

sorry to hear. The only way to keep your power is by not contacting her, or at least maintaiing very limited contact, and not giving in to her requests, if she is the one that sets the pace then she is in power.

she wanted to have the power and control over you , and she did it. Once this was achieved, she probably got bored and moved to something else.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I gave away all of my power?  Come on guys let's get serious here.  I don't think this experience, that I foresaw, is really all that big of a deal.  I didn't talk to her yesterday, which I didn't really want to.  She's messed up.  In speaking to her these last few times I really saw some examples of that.  It sucks that she's likely paying attention to someone else or is too afraid to admit she's backtracking, but saying I'm losing all my power and being so fatalistic about all of this is just silly.  LOL 

[Learning_curve74]

I gave away all of my power?  Come on guys let's get serious here.  I don't think this experience, that I foresaw, is really all that big of a deal. 

I agree with you, SAFaB, that it's not about "power", something that gets overblown here on the leaving board. I think the origin of that feeling for many is that we often feel "powerless" due to the push/pull and other crazy-making behaviors of our pwBPD. The real truth is that we always have the power to say enough is enough or to do whatever we want. It may not be easy, but the difficulty of doing something is a separate issue from whether or not we have the power to do it.

Going back to your original topic, you said that you feel ambivalent about her not calling when she said she would and also not returning your phone call when you called the next day. You seem to have expected it, so did you have any expectations for yourself about what you would do in this event?

Are you long distance or currently seeing each other in person?

[Johnny Alias]

Fact is you're not emotionally detached from her or you wouldn't be posting on this board. You do care. She's validating your existence on some level.

Let her go man. If you're posting on here because you want our thoughts there they are.

Block all forms of communication so she can't reach out to you. Then work on yourself. Gym, therapy, volunteer,and eventually date other women.

By the time you see or talk to her again, which I hope is never,  you won't give damn. But you have to do the work.

I say this for me as much as for you btw.

[fromheeltoheal]

I knew it would happen, I even told her she would do it.  Now I'm not sure how I feel.  

A self fulfilling prophesy.  And you do say that you've noticed some things about her now, that I'm assuming you didn't before because you've taken a break.  That kind of contact can help us detach, getting a little emotional distance and then reengaging with a little knowledge and perspective.

Someone only has the power we give them, and sounds like that wasn't an issue for you.  Your original post it's 12 hours old; have you gotten clearer on how you feel?

[SheAskedForaBreak]

Ambassador and HelltoHeal have some great posts on this thread.  I will tell you that my exBPD and I live three hours apart.  Her calls are the only contact we have.  We are not connected online because she deleted all of the profiles that I and her family had connection with. 

We haven't seen each other since November and from Dec 24th to Jan 26th we had no contact, which I initiated.  I have noticed that she doesn't remember saying really hurtful things, she lies and then reveals how she lied, but she won't call it lying, and finally that she is just very erratic and immature. 

At this time we did end up texting, I initiated it when I got an invite for a meeting that will likely land me my next job.  It's with a big research university here in Indiana and I'm really excited.  I shot her a text to let her know what was going on.  She was very excited to respond, but when I asked her why she didn't call the Sunday before she only responded that she was asleep by 9pm.  This was weird as again she normally called in the late afternoon.  She then went on to say she doesn't want to send me mixed signals, only to follow that up with how much she misses me.  LOL  I asked her to just tell me if there is another guy and she got defensive and said she wishes I'd trust her.  I didn't bother to tell her that the three years of lies she told is why I don't trust her. 

So it's not about power, it's not about who has the upper hand, it's only about my healing and the closure I sought.  I have it, but I do care about her and while we are only friends I do not want to see anything bad happen to her.  I know from past experience there are times I will be the only one left to turn to.  Oh and I've moved on, I've been dating, and enjoying myself.  I'm healthy guys, I wish the same for all of you!