A little help here

[Confusedadult]

So I am about 8 months in to my relationship with my BPD mother after a 3.5 year no contact.  I have 3 younger siblings who are in their preteens/teens and I am almost 30.

After 8 months of no real drama or outbursts (I live 1000 miles away, so that helps) I got a phone call last night from my BPDm.  She was crying almost to the point where I could not understand her.  I stayed calm and tried to validate her.  She was upset that my brother (13) has been crying a lot lately, not understanding why I "left" him for so long.  She admitted that during our last bout of no contact she told my siblings that I was not around because I was making bad life choices and she didn't think I was fit to be around them/see them.  When in reality, I called Child Protective Services after witnessing abuse in her house (a VERY hard thing for me to do). She found out and cut ties with me.   

She said that I didn't have to go through her anymore to talk to him and gave me his personal cell phone number.  Told me she wanted me to have a relationship with him that didn't involve her at all.  I assured her that I was still interested in a relationship with her and that I thought this was a step in the right direction.

The thing is, I felt like she was waiting for me to tell her that it wasn't her fault, like she was waiting for me to sob and cry about what a horrible person I am, and how sorry I was for causing this whole thing.  I didn't.  Obviously.  I don't feel that way.  All I said was, this is where we are now, we can't take his hurt away, we have to build from here. 

I want to talk to my brother and be honest with him about the reason for my absence, but I fear that honesty will lead her to rage at me or cut contact again.

What would you do/say?

[GeekyGirl]

I can understand why you'd feel like you should talk to your brother. How is his situation now?

While your brother is a minor in your mother's house, you're right--she does have a lot of influence over him. What would be the benefit of telling him the real reason for your absence? At 13, what impact would this have on him? How would you reassure him that you care about him without getting into why you were gone for 3.5 years?

[Confusedadult]

Over the 3.5 years NC, my other brother who is also in his late 20's, lived with them (went through a divorce).  Apparently my 13yo brother had attempted to runaway and I got regular calls about the violence and rages that were still going on.  My brother 27 ended up moving out because of all the chaos. 

When we are NC she doesn't allow any contact with my siblings and so far all the phone calls have been monitored between us. 

I do have a lot of guilt surrounding my absence.  Feeling like I could have done more to try and get through to them.  I sent birthday cards and Christmas gifts, as well as regular letters.  I never heard back but I tried my best.  I myself was transitioning from being under her abusive thumb.  I needed space so I moved to a city 300 miles away to find my autonomy, career, myself, and I needed therapy, lots of therapy.  So it lasted longer than any of the other NC's.  I thought of him every day.  I just wasn't ready or equipped to deal with her yet.

I guess I just don't want him to believe that he is unworthy or unlovable.  I don't want him to think that I didn't want to see him during this time.  I did.  I asked if we could all meet in a public place when I was in town, but I wasn't allowed to, unless it was in her home, the same home I suffered so much abuse in.  The house makes my skin crawl.  I feel trapped.  I feel afraid every time I set foot in it. 

Telling him straight outright that mom is not completely mentally stable and that she didn't allow me to see him all this time, and that what he's going through at home is abuse ect... . ect... . will do nothing but further make him feel powerless, hopeless and angry.  I don't want that.  Maybe once he reaches adulthood we can have that conversation, but I know that now is not the appropriate time.

I feel like telling him that sometimes moms behavior makes it hard for me to be around.  Sometimes she does things I don't agree with.  I was going through a time in my life that was really painful, I had a lot to figure out and I wanted to go live in a big city.  That he wasn't the reason.  That I missed him everyday and that I'm sorry I hurt him so deeply by being gone. 

[PinkieV]

I feel like telling him that sometimes moms behavior makes it hard for me to be around.  Sometimes she does things I don't agree with.  I was going through a time in my life that was really painful, I had a lot to figure out and I wanted to go live in a big city.  That he wasn't the reason.  That I missed him everyday and that I'm sorry I hurt him so deeply by being gone. 

Tell him this, and keep telling him this. He will understand, he's right where you were at. Give him the hope that he will too find his way out, and keep the lines of communication open. Just realize that his phone will be monitored. My DH would get texts from his son's phone and we knew it was either mom telling him what to say, or texting herself. My stepson was 13 at the time. To a point he still sees his mom as a victim, but now that he lives with us and is going to counseling, he's starting to realize how wrong it all was. Hopefully you can manage your mom enough to help your brother until he's old enough to leave. 

[Woolspinner2000]

I think Pinkie's response is a very valid one. At age 13, that's a tough time in life whether you have a BPD parent or not. When I think back to my life at that age, the biggest thing that would've helped me and given me a lifeline was just knowing someone was there who cared for me and could listen to me and be interested in my life. I know the guilt must be super tough for you, but you can save some of that sharing for when he is older and on his own. Care for him, ask him questions about his life and what is going on in the activities he has interest in. That way you show you care and you're not getting into the super heavy stuff. You can offer the hope that he may very well need in his dysfunctional world that is spiraling out of control in a way he does not have the capacity to yet grasp. And hopefully by caring about his life without going into the nitty gritty concerning mom, it well may avoid some pitfalls that your mom may be expecting you to fall into.

[livednlearned]

What a hard place you're in, Confusedadult. Healing from the abuse, and feeling the need to protect your younger brother.  My son is 12, and he has a N/BPD father. We're divorced. S12 has to see his dad every other weekend. I've had to walk a very delicate line between supporting S12 without bad-mouthing his dad, and it is a truly razor thin line to walk.

At 13, your brother is probably paying very close attention to how you're doing. How you model yourself in these conversations is going to go a long way. You are giving him an example of what it means to heal. If he thinks that you asserted yourself and learned to take care of yourself, that will give him hope that this is possible for him too. It sounds like he is already doing this, although in a heart-breaking way -- I wonder if running away is his way of trying to do what he thinks you did. It might be important to give him space to talk about running away, why he did it, what he was going to do, and see if you can come up with a plan for what he should do when he feels like that is the only option. Going over to a neighbor's house, calling the police, calling you, whatever he can do. He needs to know that it is good to take care of himself, but that he has to be safe, and to think ahead and make sure he doesn't end up in a situation that puts him in more danger, or a different kind of danger. If it isn't possible for him to stay with you, explain why. That you love him and care for him, but that he is a minor, and there are certain things you can do as his brother, and certain things you cannot do. Maybe say that his mom is going to be in his life, and that there are some things that can help him, not all the time, but if there are strategies that worked for you, share them. My son told me that when N/BPD started to interrogate him, he only answers in one-word answers, and that gets N/BPDx to stop faster. If he doesn't answer, N/BPDx won't stop, and will escalate. I tell S12 that if I were in that situation with N/BPDx, that would be a strategy I might use, too. But that when he gets older, when he feels like he has more power, he can also tell his dad to stop. Tell his dad that if he can't stop, then S12 might leave. This tells S12 that his strategy is good, he is resilient. Also that it will get better when he gets older, and that his strategy might change.

One of the things I realized, too, with S12 is this -- that kid was so hungry for validation. I could've just validated him non-stop without him ever tiring of it. Let your brother express how angry he is, or scared. If he hates his mom, let him hate her. "13, I would feel angry too living like that, feeling that way. I did feel that way. It is wrong that she does those things. Let's talk about a plan for you, what you can do when it gets bad. Who you can talk to, who you can call, where you can go."

Modeling for him that you are taking care of yourself, that you have boundaries, that will give him some idea that it's possible for him too one day. And like others said, make sure he knows that you didn't abandon him, that you love him, that you're there for him. That he matters.

I told S12 that his dad's feelings are broken and probably won't ever get fixed. That it isn't his fault. That he is different, because he can talk about his feelings -- I try to point out whenever I can, that S12 handled something in an emotionally resilient way.

You're a good brother to care about him, and don't let the guilt wash you away. Just being there, listening to him, telling him how you feel, being a good example for him. That's what he needs.

LnL