Ego explosion vs Ego control - vilification campaign

[growing_wings]

hi All,

as i am still in the vilification campaign from my ex... i realize that she is targeting any sort of manner she would hurt my ego the most. Seems like the latest one is to say that i dont have integrity. Dont know the details, but my friends are doubting my integrity now (so they say to me when i am in discussions with them)... .

needles to say, my ego is getting a bit of a kick... .

i am working hard to control the natural ego response that seems to be raising within me... . but it is just accumulating. I think i need to find an outlet as i am starting to resent the 2 people that told me to stay away from her (my best friend & a family member)

Has any one experienced this? and found the way to control the ego response to clean my reputation?  - NOt sure which one is the right forum to use for this question

I am not trying to become victim of the vilification, i just want to learn experiences others have with ego responses.

[fromheeltoheal]

I've found the best way is to live true to your values and with integrity, and if someone is telling lies or trying to slander you, the folks who know the real you will see it as transparent and the liar will lose credibility.  And of course slamming people to someone else lacks integrity to begin with, so quality people will look down on someone doing that just out of principle, whether they know you well or not.  Beyond that, there's not much you can do against someone flailing against abandonment and seeking control, except feel sorry for them and detach with grace.

[seeking balance]

i am working hard to control the natural ego response that seems to be raising within me... . but it is just accumulating. I think i need to find an outlet as i am starting to resent the 2 people that told me to stay away from her (my best friend & a family member)

can you explain more of what you mean about why you are resenting them?  I am a bit confused on this part.

Has any one experienced this? and found the way to control the ego response to clean my reputation?  - NOt sure which one is the right forum to use for this question

I am not trying to become victim of the vilification, i just want to learn experiences others have with ego responses.

For you, IMHO this board is best on this question... . leaving is more about validating your detaching and you are posing a much deeper issue.

I honestly wish I could give you an easy answer, but humility was the word that comes to mind even though it is much deeper than that.

The question of defending yourself, you can state the facts to people and you can act in ways that align with those facts -this is the control you get.  However, people tend to see what they want based on their own issues, reference, etc. 

Maintaining our self worth during it - for me, came from a more spiritual path.  The word Grace really spoke to me... . I wanted to show grace during the process to the best of my ability.  Heck, I even got a rescue dog that I named Gracie.

Grieving and letting go - radical acceptance - requires grace IMHO.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry your going through a vilification campaign growing_wings.

I pondered on how I was going to deal with it when I was going through one, but I can't say that my ex pursuaded my family members. She did try to go as far as trying to distort my mother.

I chose to stick to my virtues and not worry about what I can't control, the distortions belong to my ex. The truth has a way of working itself out.

I don't know the whole story, but did they come and talk to you to get your side of the story?

Are they now judging you by what she is saying? I lost all of our mutual friends during her villification campaign, but if they can't give me the common decency to ask me my side of the story, what kind of a friend is that?

I choose to hold my head high knowing about some of the distortions that are spoken about me and it isn't easy, but I choose to put the onus on the ex, what she does with her lying is out of my control, that belongs to her. My integrity is something that she can't take away. I hope that helps.

[growing_wings]

can you explain more of what you mean about why you are resenting them?  I am a bit confused on this part.

i went through a bit of a rough patch yesterday, much better now. Sometimes, when i am low, i regret going NC, sometimes i think, if i would have stayed in contact (breaking up, but in contact) i could have contained all this rage and mess, so i kind of resent followign the advice from these two friends. Is a bit messy, but then, i regain my senses and understand that going NC was the best thing i could do. I just never thought it could get this nasty (naive me). I am ok today, had my own crying session and saw T, so life is bit clearer today



For you, IMHO this board is best on this question... . leaving is more about validating your detaching and you are posing a much deeper issue.

thanks, makes sense

I honestly wish I could give you an easy answer, but humility was the word that comes to mind even though it is much deeper than that.

The question of defending yourself, you can state the facts to people and you can act in ways that align with those facts -this is the control you get.  However, people tend to see what they want based on their own issues, reference, etc.  

Maintaining our self worth during it - for me, came from a more spiritual path.  The word Grace really spoke to me... . I wanted to show grace during the process to the best of my ability.  Heck, I even got a rescue dog that I named Gracie.

Grieving and letting go - radical acceptance - requires grace IMHO.

Yes. I relate to this answer. Grace & Humility and spiritual. I am workig hard at that and have people around me that believe in those too, THANKS for the reminder of GRace... . such a powerful word.  thanks for sharing your story.

My T recommended me to chose very few KEY people i need to put things straight, and with facts. So i have chosen 3 (2 could affect my work, and one is a good friend of mine that i think is willing to listen to my side). the rest, i will not waste my energy nor time to convince. ONe thing tho, i will come out with the truth with these 3 key people, i will do it in a controlled and rational manner. This might come as a shock to them, as my ex calls herself a spiritual leader  so, might get a bit difficult. I wil not lie, i will just say the truth of what happened and i will not enter into trying to defend myself. Facts and that is all.

grace will keep that in mind.

[growing_wings]

I'm sorry your going through a vilification campaign growing_wings.

I pondered on how I was going to deal with it when I was going through one, but I can't say that my ex pursuaded my family members. She did try to go as far as trying to distort my mother.

I chose to stick to my virtues and not worry about what I can't control, the distortions belong to my ex. The truth has a way of working itself out.

I don't know the whole story, but did they come and talk to you to get your side of the story?

Are they now judging you by what she is saying? I lost all of our mutual friends during her villification campaign, but if they can't give me the common decency to ask me my side of the story, what kind of a friend is that?

I choose to hold my head high knowing about some of the distortions that are spoken about me and it isn't easy, but I choose to put the onus on the ex, what she does with her lying is out of my control, that belongs to her. My integrity is something that she can't take away. I hope that helps.

thanks Mutt, trying to reach your mother!, wow, talking about their lack of boundaries... . my T said that during the Vilification campaign, they lose rational thinking , therefore they dont even realize what they are doing and how it might fireback to them... so perhaps this is one reason why she tried to reach your mum.

THanks for sahring your story.

It is sad to see they truly try to isolate us and damage our reputation.  Sorry to hear your story, and yes, it helps, gives me a sense of me not being alone.

thanks

[Mutt]

thanks Mutt, trying to reach your mother!, wow, talking about their lack of boundaries... . my T said that during the Vilification campaign, they lose rational thinking , therefore they dont even realize what they are doing and how it might fireback to them... so perhaps this is one reason why she tried to reach your mum.

THanks for sahring your story.

It is sad to see they truly try to isolate us and damage our reputation.  Sorry to hear your story, and yes, it helps, gives me a sense of me not being alone.

thanks

When my ex left, she cut everyone off on my side of the family and said nothing, no good-byes, removed and blocked them all off of FB.

What my ex doesn't know is that it's my mother that was the one that told me about BPD, and stressed the importance to me of getting 50/50 custody w/ my kids. "Mutt, you have to protect the kids, you have to get shared parenting" During the custody battle, my ex sent her an e-mail and telling her how it was breaking her heart that I was controlling to the kids etc... . My mother knew the story all too well.

I've been focusing on raising my profile with the teachers and doctors for my kids now, so that people get to know me.

Explain yourself once, people can believe what they want to believe, that's their choice and it's not something that someone can control.

I did get worked up over it, but talking to my P helped me and I simply let it go. I choose to have people judge me by my actions.

[Turkish]

My T recommended me to chose very few KEY people i need to put things straight, and with facts. So i have chosen 3 (2 could affect my work, and one is a good friend of mine that i think is willing to listen to my side). the rest, i will not waste my energy nor time to convince. ONe thing tho, i will come out with the truth with these 3 key people, i will do it in a controlled and rational manner. This might come as a shock to them, as my ex calls herself a spiritual leader  so, might get a bit difficult. I wil not lie, i will just say the truth of what happened and i will not enter into trying to defend myself. Facts and that is all.

The truth doesn't need validation. It validates itself. Validate yourself, and let the "friends" who validate the lies fall by the wayside. Those who are true will stick by you :^)