Anxiety

[NyGirl8]

My ex unBPD/NPD is currently having dinner with my children and my replacement.  The real kicker is, he left only one week ago... . after doing a complete backtrack on all he promised when I held him accountable to his promises (no texting/no contact with the "friend" he had an emotional affair with.

I do not want him, I know he is sick, I know I deserve better, and I know being alone is FAR better than being with him.  But, it kills me that this scene is playing out with my children a few miles away.  Kills me that, that was us a few weeks ago.

How, how to get past this pain?

[NyGirl8]

He is my ex-husband and they are his children too... . just realized that wasn't clear... .

[Mutt]

I know I deserve better, and I know being alone is FAR better than being with him. 

I know it hurts NyGirl8 

You do deserve better.

Is there something you can do while this scene plays out? Go out for a coffee with a friend? A movie?

[Cumulus]

Hi nygirl, I am sorry you are having to deal with such hard issues right now. Life is always more complicated when our children are involved. Are you able to identify what is creating the anxiety? Have you made any plans about your future? I find it helps to sit down and write what I think needs to be done and break each item up into manageable chores. Unfortunately the anxiety is not always easily identified. I was left with that vague feeling of unease after I separated from my xBPDh. I spent a lot of time and put much work into moving forward and leaving the anxiety behind. It still, after three years, can fill me but I now have better ways of identifying and controlling it and shortening its stay in my head.

[winston72]

NYGirl8, my heart goes out to you. That is a searing kind of pain. I would be out of my mind if I was in your shoes. I am so sorry.

I would like to offer some personal reflections. My ex was having an affair, I learned of it, she said she ended it, we entered couples therapy and then without warning she ended it with me and started up with the other man. Within a few days I was with her brother and hearing him recount how he was just having lunch with the two of them in a place where she Andi frequented. It was such a profound betrayal on every level. I was shocked, horrified and in scorching pain. Ouch. This is what came to mind when I read your post.

Of course, the involvement of your children makes it all the more complex.

The upside of the outrageous behavior, and such is the behavior of your husband, is that it can bring more clarity to the need to separate and move on. The hard part for me was that the bad behavior was so big I seemed to have a hard time seeing it for what it really was. I reconciled with my ex and we went on for two more years. Only in the past few months have I seen it for what it was. And... . I still miss her!  Go figure... .

I am glad you are in this site. It really helps to tell your story and engage in a dialogue with people who understand. You wil get past the pain. You will have brighter days.

[winston72]

This quote came to mind in response to your question:

"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill

[NyGirl8]

Thanks so very much for the empathy and kind words all and advice!  I am very glad I am here.  In fact when I have anxiety or searing pain, it does help to come here!  And Winston, you are correct, this behavior really solidifies why I need to not be with him.  In 5 days he is taking my children to an indoor water park that we and then I took them too as a celebration every year when school ended.  And he is taking them there with this replacement.  He will never get why this is hurtful.

By the way, this was the third recycle for us.  This time he got me by actually admitting to having a rage/anger problem and going on meds for it.  He also agreed to get individual therapy (never happened) and couples therapy (he went to one, where he backtracked on all of his promises and blamed me for being controlling for even asking these things of him).  He was with this replacement for 4 months before wanting to work on our marriage again.  We have done the custody battle.  I have primary and he has visitation.  The lack of control over what my children are exposed to KILLS me!  (I know classic codependency mixed with Mama Bear protectiveness).  My saving grace is I was able to get enough proof in the trial for the judge to order that he is not to drink alcohol at all when they are with him.

Something just makes the pain multiply when I think of them doing "family" stuff (she has two young children of her own).  I try very, very, very hard to not let on to my children how much in pain I am.  I know they need to love their father and come to their own conclusions about him.  My T says they probably already have a good idea, they just won't be able to process it until they are older.

But, again, thanks so much... . and yes, onward, onward to better, healthier, sunnier, happier days:-) 

Thanks again for the responses!

[santa]

Time.

It's only been a week, so you've probably still got an anxiety hangover from the trauma of the relationship and then the breakup.

You'll feel better, but it's going to take a few months.

[NyGirl8]

Very True Santa... . plus I am in a different place with this break up.  I am more clear of mind and more healthy.  As soon as he backtracked and tried to blame me, I ended it.  I feel good about that.  And I feel confident that, that was the last time.  So now, this pain does seem like there is a reason for it, I am not just in a holding pattern anymore.  My anger scares me a bit... . I repressed m anger for so many years because, well, because that would trigger him and... . we can't have that now.  Not in an abusive/codependent relationship... . sarcasm.  Now that I am actually feeling, feelings again... . the anger scares me... .

[Mutt]

Very True Santa... . plus I am in a different place with this break up.  I am more clear of mind and more healthy.  As soon as he backtracked and tried to blame me, I ended it.  I feel good about that.  And I feel confident that, that was the last time.  So now, this pain does seem like there is a reason for it, I am not just in a holding pattern anymore.  My anger scares me a bit... . I repressed m anger for so many years because, well, because that would trigger him and... . we can't have that now.  Not in an abusive/codependent relationship... . sarcasm.  Now that I am actually feeling, feelings again... . the anger scares me... .

It's OK to feel anger. Anger can be a mask for pain. Anger is a part of grieving.

[NyGirl8]

I am finding that out Mutt.  I have been programmed all my life, in childhood too, that anger was not ok... . from me anyway.  And, now that you say that... . yes, this anger is from pain.  I am so angry at him for treating me and these precious girls this way.  I know logically he is a sick individual, but... . I am still so very angry at him for throwing his family away.  It would be so much easier if I could go no contact, completely.  Ugh, hoping one day seeing him as he brings the girls home will not cause so much anger and anxiety and sadness.

[Mutt]

I am finding that out Mutt.  I have been programmed all my life, in childhood too, that anger was not ok... . from me anyway.  And, now that you say that... . yes, this anger is from pain.  I am so angry at him for treating me and these precious girls this way.  I know logically he is a sick individual, but... . I am still so very angry at him for throwing his family away.  It would be so much easier if I could go no contact, completely.  Ugh, hoping one day seeing him as he brings the girls home will not cause so much anger and anxiety and sadness.

I second what Santa said, this will take time.

I have 3 kids w/ uBPDex as well and I can understand how dealing w/ him will trigger feelings.

I can't go no contact with my ex because of the kids, but what helped me was giving myself space without her intrusions by going low contact.

It has helped me tremendously with my healing and it's something that I continue to practice with the ex and probably always will TBH.

I would suggest low contact or it's sometimes reffered as controlled contact.

[NyGirl8]

Controlled contact is what I am aiming for.  This was where I got to during the time we were apart.  No talking in person, I only text.  I do only what the court order calls for, unless, it will serve me in some way... . which I hate because I am still playing his game.  The court order says I only need to let him know the kids are sick if they have been in bed for three days.  I do tell him right away, because I always want to know if they are sick at his house.  Last time my daughter spiked a fever he had no medicine and no thermometer at his house.  I brought them over and then he allowed her to come home with me because that is what she was crying for.  I no longer tell him about school events.  He has shared legal custody and has every right to contact the school for these things... . he never did.  If the girls ask "will Dad be there?"  I did tell him as it was their request... . This one always throws

What else does Low Contact mean?  As much as I want to engage him and release all my anger on him, I do not.  The only topics are kids.  Right now he doesn't say anything because my death looks shut him up when he drops the kids off... .

[Mutt]

I use controlled contact by communicating via  e-mail instead of the phone unless I absolutely have to in the case of an emergency. I use e-mail to track if it's needed as proof. I get the occassional bomb e-mail from time to time because the ex isn't coping and she's projecting and trying to soothe herself. I don't respond to those accusatory and blaming e-mails. I respond in a timely fashion when something needs a response right away, I respond later to what's not important.

It sounds like you're already doing controlled contact. Your communicating through text (albeit a court order) and focusing on communicating about the kids. Good work.