What does a BPD mean when they say they love you

[Pinoypride18]

My exBPDgf was the first to say "I love you" and it was after 2 months of dating. She would say it a lot. But now that we have broken off she is as quick to say it to the new guy. She got with him less than 2 weeks after the breakup. She says she loves him and that he loves her back. I  do not think we have the same definition of love. For me i thought love was something that would take a while to develop true love.

I think it is all infatuation and lust. Do they even mean when they say it or is it just part of their elaborate plan?

I'm sorry but in my experience my BPD had to room in her heart to love anyone else but herself.

[ogopogodude]

This is my opinion of a BPD saying "I love you" really means ... . (and this is only from my experience which at the time I did not figure out until now)

"I need you to torment" ... . "without you, I have to go expend energy looking for some other schmuck to belittle, and to blame everything on... . "

"I NEED you like a vampire needs their next fix of blood ... . to suck the energy right out of you"

[popeye6031]

For me, when they say "I love you" it means "I need you to love me".  They believe that what they think they feel is love for you, but they do not understand it truly.

It can be compared more to that of a child's love for their parent, they don't really understand the full meaning.

Are you from the Philippines Pinoypride18?

[Pinoypride18]

"I need you to torment" ... . "without you, I have to go expend energy looking for some other schmuck to belittle, and to blame everything on... . "

"I NEED you like a vampire needs their next fix of blood ... . to suck the energy right out of you"

Yup that sounds about right, it seems they always need a scapegoat, someone to always put the blame on. Yet someone who will also give them all the attention. Also oddly enough she was really into vampires, she knew how to suck the life out of you, among other things.

@popeye6031 im actually born and raised in the states but i am currently studying abroad in the Philippines. Actually this is where i met my exBPDgf. I should have suspected something was off but i was so naive back then.

[popeye6031]

@popeye6031 im actually born and raised in the states but i am currently studying abroad in the Philippines. Actually this is where i met my exBPDgf. I should have suspected something was off but i was so naive back then.

Interesting, my fiancee is from the Philippines.  It has been a 25 month rollercoaster.  Currently she is great because 2 days I broke it off with her and she begged me to give her another change her accusing, abusing and controlling ways.  Will see how long it lasts.  Her best to date, about 4 weeks.  How long ago did you break up?

[Pearl55]

They are pathalogical lairs. They beleive to their lies. I love you means tell me that you love me. Is nothing about us in BPD relationships.

[Love Is Not Enough]

I love you.

Translation:

I am terrified of the emptiness inside of me, let me see if I can fill it with your soul.

[Love Is Not Enough]

"I need you to torment" ... . "without you, I have to go expend energy looking for some other schmuck to belittle, and to blame everything on... . "

"I NEED you like a vampire needs their next fix of blood ... . to suck the energy right out of you"

Yup that sounds about right, it seems they always need a scapegoat, someone to always put the blame on. Yet someone who will also give them all the attention. Also oddly enough she was really into vampires, she knew how to suck the life out of you, among other things.

Emotional vampires. That is what I have heard them called before. My gf is into Sirens. She has a 5 foot tall paining of the Fisherman and the Siren hanging in her bedroom that I bought her before the hater phase started. She has never given me a straight answer as to how or why she got into Sirens. The Siren mythology looks very BPD to me though. Ugly creatures that appear beautiful to sailors as they call to them with their irresistible song and finally smashing them to death on the rocks. Sometimes I think the sailors are the lucky ones.

[maxsterling]

i'll try to be a bit more positive:  With my dBPDgf I think there is a component of love, the component that does seem to care about my well being.  But here are some things she has said that seem different than the love that I feel:

- in her birthday card to me she said something about "you are teaching me how to love".  Obviously this has been a question in her mind before.  She has also said that she thought she loved someone before but now that she is with me she realizes she didn't really. 

- She says that relationships and love are difficult because you are constantly worrying that the other person will "dump" you.  Typical BPD.

-  She says she would die without me.  She's probably right.  There is a definite neediness component to her "love".  She expects my entire life to revolve around our combined needs.  If I do something without her, she takes it as a sign I don't love her.

-  She constantly asks if I love her. Or make statements like, "I thought you might have decided you don't love me today."

- she is confused why we aren't married yet, and I said that I don't want her to be dependent on me, to which she replied, "when people are married they are dependent on one another"  to which I replied, "marriage is about mutual support, not mutual dependence."

From all this I conclude that she really does have a different view of "love" and has a hard time understanding the meaning and purpose for healthy relationships. And I admit, my view has changed from knowing her.  But I look at it this way, I would be sad if she moved on, but I recognize that is her choice.  I can't force her to love me.  And we may split up, but that doesn't mean we don't love each other.  I've told her this, too, that I just want her to be happy, no matter what happens, and that I can't manipulate the future.  She doesn't understand, at all.

Back to the original question - I think her love for me is more like an addiction.  I feel like I am filling the same void in her that drugs, eating, spending money, or previous reckless relationships filled.  The purpose of me is to calm her mind so that she doesn't have to live in her own brain.  And that's not love.  But I do see a part of her that wants good things for me, but at the same time she knows what's good for me is what's good for her.

[Pearl55]

Maxterling

A 3 year old is not able to LOVE. In her imagination she thinks she loves you. You are her OPPONENT. Somebody mentioned in his post "love is between two autonomous individual". A borderline is not a whole individual. Borderlines intellectualise the facts. They record wise words in their brains from clever people and then repeat them. WORDS means nothing in BPD relationships, only actions are the truth. 

[justaboutdone]

Hurthusband I am in your exact same shoes right now.  While there is no right answer to her situation you can only go with the best answer. Trying to emotionally detach from her is a good start.  You have to show some emotion toward her because she probably demands it, but fake your emotion toward her.  At least faking your emotion toward her will at least feel like you are in control of the situation unlike her.  Mentally withdraw from her as much as possible but do it slowly until your withdrawal becomes the norm and she doesn't notice any different.  Realize she is sucking you down a drain and like water going down a drain, it is going to go faster and faster.  You need some outside help to pull you out.  Start with some phone calls and you will eventually find the support you need.  I called the national domestic abuse hotline and the local and they did absolutely nothing for me, probably because I am a male.  But keep looking and you will find it sooner than you think despite how hard it is.

If I can throw this out there, that is pretty impressive and I am amazed you can work that many hours a week to support the family, be a single father, have such a heart toward the kids, and then on top of all that... . babysit and put up with her inconceivable behavior. Success will come your way after this bull**** is over!

[maxsterling]

Pearl:  Exactly.  A 3 year old's "love" seems to be based on their needs.  Probably similar to our pets, too.  I believe that non's "love" also evolves through our entire lifetimes.  I think that for most people, the concept of love really doesn't develop until their 20s, or even later, as the "need" component seems to get less and less as we get older.  I don't "need" my girlfriend for anything; yet she "needs" me for everything.  In that sense, she is like the 3-year old.  Or to me, more like that teenager with her first "love".  At times, see little glimmers that she may understand love the same way as I do, but not consistently.

[Pinoypride18]

Thanks everyone, i like all the answers. I agree their love is more of an addiction and also like a childs love. It is very shallow and not real love.

I like what pearl55 said "love is between two autonomous individual" makes sense but for a BPD love is between leach and a victim. It is like they determine love by how much they can take from you and how much attention they can get from you. And if they are looking out for your well being it is in a way to control and manipulate you.

@maxsterling i like what you said about them filling a void. I do also want her to be happy but i don't think that is possible. And how can they learn to love someone else if they dont even love themselves.


I am just surprised because all those times she has said she loved me she was probably feeling a need toward me or just saying what she thought i wanted to hear. At least i understand what true love should be or at least what it is not.

[maxsterling]

Keep in mind, BPD aside, I think there would be 100 definitions of true love if you asked 100 people.  But as stated by Pinoypride, there may be more agreement about what isn't true love.  For what I see from my GF, I know that isn't true love.  True love isn't about a fighting desire to be with someone, and that is what she seems to have.   Even she admits she struggles with the concept of love.

[hypokondri]

My gf is into Sirens. She has a 5 foot tall paining of the Fisherman and the Siren hanging in her bedroom that I bought her before the hater phase started. She has never given me a straight answer as to how or why she got into Sirens. The Siren mythology looks very BPD to me though. Ugly creatures that appear beautiful to sailors as they call to them with their irresistible song and finally smashing them to death on the rocks. Sometimes I think the sailors are the lucky ones.

I think you are right about the sirens.

We were at an exhibition in Germany, where my favourite artist Czon (from Sweden)  had an exhibition.

One of the pictures was called Siren at the borderline.

Seems obvious to me that the artist has an eye on the BPD issues and knows what he is struggling with.  Read the text of the image of the siren, Im sure he knows about Bdp and it also seen in all of his artwork.

Maybe his art can be "picture-therapy" for some of us

www.czon-sweden.blogspot.se/2014/01/czon-berlin-pixie-am-meer-villa-baltic.html

[hergestridge]

When they (or I should say "my wife", because that's as far as my experience goes really) say "I love you", "How are you feeling?" or "We should spend more time together - just you and me", it's an expression of fear - not love.

She says things like that when she's got the feeling she's really ___ed up and wore out her welcome and that I may be leaving any day. Whenever that feeling leaves her and she feels safe again, then she becomes detached and distant.

[Pearl55]

When they (or I should say "my wife", because that's as far as my experience goes really) say "I love you", "How are you feeling?" or "We should spend more time together - just you and me", it's an expression of fear - not love.

She says things like that when she's got the feeling she's really ___ed up and wore out her welcome and that I may be leaving any day. Whenever that feeling leaves her and she feels safe again, then she becomes detached and distant.



Yes, anxiety separation of a 3 year old from her mum, is not about you. My psychiatrist asked me " how long more you want to be a caregiver to your enemy?"

[Traumatized]

I love you = I need you to stick around so I can use you.

[Traumatized]

I love you = I need you to stick around so I can use you.

... . and abuse you whenever I feel like it.

[Pearl55]

I love you = I need you to stick around so I can use you.

Exactly!

[ogopogodude]

This is my opinion of a BPD saying "I love you" really means ... . (and this is only from my experience which at the time I did not figure out until now)

"I need you to torment" ... . "without you, I have to go expend energy looking for some other schmuck to belittle, and to blame everything on... . "

"I NEED you like a vampire needs their next fix of blood ... . to suck the energy right out of you"

I  like my version better... .

[Pinoypride18]

Well all of them are great answers, thanks everyone. It makes me glad in a way to here that "I love you" especially so early can mean the opposite. My exBPD saying all this means she really does not love the person and is saying it so they can get away with torturing the person instead.

I know it is mean but i hope the devaluing stage starts soon. I want to see her tear someone down when im not the target.