Son and STBX got into it tonight

[ugghh]

Does anyone else ever just feel like it is a full time job to keep up with trying to document all of the crazy stuff their pwBPD does?  Sometimes it just wears me down.

I am going to try and give the abbreviated version here.  I have been separated from the STBX for just over 2 months now, having moved out on December 4 last year and gotten settled into a new place near the kids school D20 is off at college, S18 seems to have settled into going back and forth every week because he feels bad for Mom and S16 stays with me probably 20 out of 30 days each month.

As is often the case S16 realizes at 7 pm on Sunday night that he is missing a book for Monday morning that was left at STBX/marital house.   He also asks if I have a printer available to print out some stuff.   I told him that I had not set one up yet but that I there was an unused one at his mom's house in the basement that we could pick up when we get book.  On a side note STBX had been complaining for 4 days how she was broke and had no money for gas, despite the fact that I had put money in account for her.  She relates how she sent an amount exceeding her entire paycheck to her attorneys and how I was an evil person for cutting my direct deposit into that account.

Sadly I keep forgetting about trying to be logical with illogical people (where is Spock when I need him) - I tried to point out to her that while I was putting less funds into the account I was also not paying for my gas, food or other expenses from that account either.  Sigh might as well have banged my head against the wall.

Of course being generally nice person I still felt bad her and when son and I got in car I said, let's stop and I will get Mom a $25 gas card so she can get to work.  We arrive at the house and I ask him to give gift card to his mom when he goes in.  Took all of 30 seconds to get her response - she walked onto front porch and shouted "F#%$ You" and flipped me the double bird.  Lesson learned.

So my son comes out with a bag with some clothes and his missing book and hops in the car.  We get about 2 blocks from the house and he says "Cr#p I forgot the printer!" I say no problem, we can circle back and you can get it.  Pull up back in front of the house and son goes and rings bell at front door because uBPDw will not give him the garage door code.  He goes in to get printer and about 30 seconds later STBX opens front door and tosses his shoes onto the front porch.  Yes she told him to take off wet shoes inside and then proceeded to toss them out the door.  About 3 minutes after that I see S16 come through the front door with printer in hand as he is trying to slip shoes back on and I can tell by the look that he something is amiss.  He throw open car door and tells me that printer may or may not work as STBX tried to grab it out his hands and he had to physically push her off to get out the door.  I told him that I was sorry that happened, but he was so mad he could not even see straight.

I get no more than 5 minutes up the road and phone bings with an email from uBPDw stating that she was "assaulted" by son and that we must cease and desist from coming to the house.  Umm aren't you the one asking for sole legal custody of him?    She then follows on to state that she has called the police.  Oh the drama.

By the time we get home S16 has settled down a bit and indeed the printer is worthless, so off to Walmart I go to get a new one at 8:45 on Sunday night.  By the time I get back and get printer set up son is falling asleep in the recliner and you can just see the emotional exhaustion on his face and in his body.  I tried to rouse him a couple times and finally by midnight he says Dad there is no way I can go to school tomorrow.  I have 2 exams and a group project due and I lost 3 hours because of mom's cr#p.  He asked if I could drop his group project work off so the group would not be penalized and of course I said yes. 

All this and we are just 60 days in and have not even been in front of a judge yet!   Based on her statement STBX has already spent almost $5,000 in legal fees.  Wow, just wow.

I just keep trying to be the best dad I can for my kids and continuing to provide the stable influence for them.  By this afternoon S16 seems to have recovered a bit and texted me and said "Well I guess I shouldn't count on that inheritance from Mom." 

[ForeverDad]

Document it, you may need it later when she pleads about all she's done for the family and how wonderful she's been and how she never has two nickels to rub together and the judge turns, looks at you and says, "Shame on you, I'll make sure she gets a good temp order."  Okay, maybe it won't be that bad but often fathers are seen as Mr Deep Pockets and not Mr Dad.  So right at the initial hearing you may have to report how things really are so the judge doesn't make typical assumptions that are totally wrong.  And all your children are older, it may be appropriate for them to be available for court so that the judge doesn't ignore you and agree to have them live with her during the divorce.  It may be called a 'temporary' order but around here temporary orders last one to two years and sometimes even longer.  I had a 3.5 month temporary order during separation.  Then it was dismissed, things got worse, I filed for divorce and got an identical temporary order for the next 23.5 months.  Total: 27 months.  Ex misbehaved during that time but the judge didn't care, she wasn't his stbEx.

You've learned a lesson here.  You gave her the benefit of the doubt.  You were repaid with obstruction, sabotage and vitriol.  Yes, a temp order may require you to give her temporary support.  Just don't make it easy for her to get her support.  Glad to hear she's working.  Likely that will reduce your financial downside.  She may also have an option to get training for a better job or career.

If she doesn't make enough money to maintain the home on her own income, then your goal should be to sell it.  If she can't afford it but you can - and you want it - then eventually she will have to move out so you can move back in.  Quite possibly though, a clean start in another house or an apartment or condo might be good for you.

And sorry, no more niceness.  You did have to make a sincere try but the point is you don't have to keep trying.  You've seen how it has not been reciprocated or rewarded.  Yes, she'll complain, loud and frequently, so just refer to this incident and state you tried to be nice and you were rewarded with allegations against her own son and threats that she had called the police.

[ugghh]

Thanks ForeverDad,

I have drawn so much strength and insight from the great members of this board. Indeed I do not want the marital or virtually anything that is in it.  I am living in a house that is 50 years older and half of the size and I love it.  I have furnished it with the dishes picked out by my sons and I, and the furniture I like down to my favorite 2 touches.  We are either 2 or 3 men in the house so the toilet seats stays up! And the toilet paper goes under not over, not because its right or wrong but because that is how I want it!

[ugghh]

Well she took it up another notch.  Got served with bogus RO this morning.  She claimed I manipulated S16 into assaulting her.

[ForeverDad]

Defend yourself legally.  I don't know how strong a case is to   Likely it will get dismissed... . eventually... . after a couple continuances.  You might need an evaluator's input on this one, so judge may have to order some sort of evaluation, just make sure she gets included in the evaluations.  If judge is reluctant to include the claimed victim in evaluations then I wonder whether you'll need to file against her?

Meanwhile, no more 'nice' gestures.  Have as little contact with her as possible.  Children are all older so it'll have to be up to them if/when they have contact with her.  While the case is pending likely the order prevents you from getting too close to her residence.  If it is not dismissed or withdrawn at the first appearance then try to get parenting contact issues addressed.

Remember, no admissions of guilt, not even a little.

Her retaliation will have been emotionally satisfying to her but will just drive a deeper wedge between her and the children.  Their pity or feelings for her will start drying up.

[maxen]

Well she took it up another notch.  Got served with bogus RO this morning.  She claimed I manipulated S16 into assaulting her.

you can get an RO because of something done (putatively) by proxy? is it because S is a minor?

Remember, no admissions of guilt, not even a little.

first rule!

[ugghh]

Totally agreed.  I did nothing wrong by sitting in the car, i have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.  She is going full extinction burst.

I have told kids they are going to need to step up a bit if they do not not want stbx in control of their lives.  I am thinking it is time to amend complaint to include psychological defect language again.  I am done with her paranoid delusions.

Her retaliation will have been emotionally satisfying to her but will just drive a deeper wedge between her and the children.  Their pity or feelings for her will start drying up.

Yep.  She was  trying guilt S16 last night by sending pics of her injuries and he caught her lying, saying previous injuries were due to that confrontation.  He was screaming at his phone in disbelief at her lying.

I have decided that I will no longer be silent and that kids needs to understand just how mentally ill she is.