The Grieving is Different This Time

[NyGirl8]

So, my ex and I had about 4 recycles.  The first two occurred when the T I was seeing blamed all issues on his alcohol abuse.  She was a hardcore 12 stepper and eluded to me that all would be remedied if he would only quit drinking.  So being a codependent and weak from over 9 years of a relationship with this man (I found my way to her because I was seriously on the verge of an emotional breakdown)... . anyway, I took her advice.  He refused and left.  I was crushed.  After two weeks he came back agreeing to quit.  He quit for approximately a month or so, then blamed it all on my controlling.  He left. 

After a kind-recycle and about a year, I wondered about her knowledge and credibility.  Many doubts because I did not get to these places myself, she lead me, she pushed me, and she even TOLD me what to do. 

I decided to give him another try.  She actually refused to see me any longer.  Well, that recycle didn't work... . but, alcohol wasn't the issue.  Not too sure what was, but, it was a disaster.

Finally found current therapist.  Attempted to work through the grief.  But, I know see the grief was laced with regret.  And wow, did it suck!

Final recycle attempted Thanksgiving 2013 with support of current therapist.  Ended 2014 when he did a 180 on ALL promises and once again blamed it ALL on my controlling.  My current and trusted therapist was able to tell me he was classic personality disorder.  He was in the Cluster B.  He thinks heavy on the NPD, some BPD, and even anti-social traits as well as histeronic(sp?).

Coming here, reading and reading and reading.  Hearing stories that sound just like mine, gathering information, gathering knowledge.  Wow, yes I am grieving, but, it is different.  It feels like there is a purpose to it.  After an unexpected crying jag... . I actually feel some relief.  Like I am a little bit closer to healing.  I never felt that before!

Thanks so much to everyone sharing on here... . it has helped me more than I can even fathom right now!

[designgrl]

I am just getting out of a 2.5 year marriage.  I entered into the marriage knowing my H was a 17 year recovering alcoholic.  His rages started soon after we were married... . like every week he had something else to tell me I was doing wrong.  1.5 years after we were married he had a car accident... . driving drunk... . that's how I found out he's been secretly drinking, he said soon after we got married he started drinking again because he wasn't happy being married to me.  He said he was an alcoholic and begged me to stay with him.  I did but soon discovered he was still drinking and hiding it.  He said he was now a normal drinker.  I spent 2013 counting all his beer bottles... etc. December 2013 I discovered he had been having an affair with his girlfriend that whole year. 

I started at the Alcoholics support board and then came here.  Alcoholic behavior and BPD behaviors seem very similar to me. I also know there's a connection between BPD and alcoholism.  I can honestly say he's an alcoholic, do I know if he's ever been diagnosed with BPD? No but I see the traits in him, I however am not a professional.  In the long run, it doesn't really matter to me what his problems are exactly, I just know he has a lot of em!  Don't ever plan on recycling with him either... . eewww makes me sick to even think about it!     His "kinda" love isn't what I want anymore!

Good for you for finally having some closure to be done with him.  There's a really sense of peacefulness that you get when you finally accept that you are just not interested in them anymore. 

[myself]

Final recycle 

Ended

That is why it's different this time. It's over. I've been feeling that way too. When I would still recycle, I knew I wasn't really letting go, and was pretty sure she would come back. It tore me up, but I hadn't let go. This time, I did. It's been feeling very different. Real this time. When you really let go, it's different. Hopefully that is what you're feeling. Grieving and moving on is better than staying stuck.

[Tausk]

 

Yes, when I finally sorta of had the break through last Nov. things have been so different for me as well.  In AA/NA it's sometimes described as a spiritual awakening.  It's a great relief to know that there's a reason for all of this insanity and that there's a proven path to help me recover.

Keep reading and learning.  It's difficult, but rewarding.  I'm a deeper, more complete human being than I could have imagined.  Keep on the board and sharing, learning, being, and know that we understand.

[NyGirl8]

Thanks so much for the replies all!