I've been lying

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

To myself. And indirectly to the posters on these boards, and my friends & family. I'm not proud of it.

I really don't want to go through another cycle with me uBPDexgf. I truly don't want to go through that much pain & heartache again, EVER, with anyone.

But a conversation to day left me thinking about me & my reaction to the news I got on that conversation.

I went to the supermarket & parked my van. I was walking into the supermarket & bumped into someone who knows my ex. I was basically told that my recycled replacement is now redundant because she's working her magic on a new guy (I already knew this).

The new guy has a £50,000 Range Rover & yesterday got a 18 month driving ban for drink driving.

So, she now has exclusive use of a high end luxury motor! She's told the mutaul friend "If he wants me to drive him around I've told him I should use his car not mine".

She will 'lord it up' like no other. This will further fuel her idea that she's superior to others!

I'm guessing if the replacement has a car worth this kind of money, his home & lifestyle will match it?

I pretended not to care when delivered with this news. But the truth is, It made me feel like dog dirt! It made me feel like a failure & not good enough. It made me feel unattractive & like I don't have enough to offer a woman.

In a nutshell, it made me feel very insecure about ME & what I've got!

This feeling surprised me. I didn't realize I could so easily be shot down by her moving on with a guy who offers the luxuries I can't afford to lavish on a partner, no matter how much I love her.

I'm all jumbled up & VERY surprised at how this news of her now enjoying the toys of wealth has hit me!


Why am I feeling so low, insecure & pathetic in comparison, if I know we could never work?



Cheers, a very fed up & deflated Moonie.

[Moonie75]

To myself. And indirectly to the posters on these boards, and my friends & family. I'm not proud of it.

I really don't want to go through another cycle with me uBPDexgf. I truly don't want to go through that much pain & heartache again, EVER, with anyone.

But a conversation to day left me thinking about me & my reaction to the news I got on that conversation.

I went to the supermarket & parked my van. I was walking into the supermarket & bumped into someone who knows my ex. I was basically told that my recycled replacement is now redundant because she's working her magic on a new guy (I already knew this).

The new guy has a £50,000 Range Rover & yesterday got a 18 month driving ban for drink driving.

So, she now has exclusive use of a high end luxury motor! She's told the mutaul friend "If he wants me to drive him around I've told him I should use his car not mine".

She will 'lord it up' like no other. This will further fuel her idea that she's superior to others!

I'm guessing if the replacement has a car worth this kind of money, his home & lifestyle will match it?

I pretended not to care when delivered with this news. But the truth is, It made me feel like dog dirt! It made me feel like a failure & not good enough. It made me feel unattractive & like I don't have enough to offer a woman.

In a nutshell, it made me feel very insecure about ME & what I've got!

This feeling surprised me. I didn't realize I could so easily be shot down by her moving on with a guy who offers the luxuries I can't afford to lavish on a partner, no matter how much I love her.

I'm all jumbled up & VERY surprised at how this news of her now enjoying the toys of wealth has hit me!


Why am I feeling so low, insecure & pathetic in comparison, if I know we could never work?



Cheers, a very fed up & deflated Moonie.

[jynx]

Moonie,

I would take it a totally different way.  So you didn't have that Range Rover.  She still found you very attractive.  Personally I think you have a lot to offer to a woman.  You are honest, warm, compassionate, and loving.  Your tops in my book

[seeking balance]

Why am I feeling so low, insecure & pathetic in comparison, if I know we could never work?

Moonie 

Anger and sarcasm can only go so far in detaching, then we have to get to this point - the depression... . this is where you dig deep, work on your own issues and heal.

Rebuilding our own self worth takes time and it means we have to let our walls down and fall apart a bit.

I am sorry you are hurting right now, as much as we can all say "for the best" - it is pure and simple tears/grief that moves us past this part.

I am proud of you Moonie - it takes a very courageous person to post this 

Peace,

SB

[Skip]

To myself. And indirectly to the posters on these boards, and my friends & family. I'm not proud of it.

This is strength, man.  You're breaking, through.  This is the hard part.

[Moonie75]

Jynx, Thank you

SB, I don't feel courageous! I feel broken. I laugh & joke A LOT. It's what people say they like so much about me. But the laughter hides the tears of a clown!

Skip, whatever I'm "breaking through" feels horrendous. And feels like it's breaking me!

[seeking balance]

SB, I don't feel courageous! I feel broken. I laugh & joke A LOT. It's what people say they like so much about me. But the laughter hides the tears of a clown!

Skip, whatever I'm "breaking through" feels horrendous. And feels like it's breaking me!

Hon, it is in getting honest and not hiding that we can heal... . I know it hurts and feel horrendous (honestly, I do)... . but this is real, this is how you rebuild.  This is where you are about to see how truly amazing and strong you are -  you will be ok, let those tears go - Time, TEARS, Therapy - I know you have seen me write that before.

You really are turning a big corner - this is courage - vulnerability is a great strength.

[dontknow2]

Moonie,

I too fight struggles of feeling broken, unworthy. My life, with its financial, body image, love struggles, seems to constantly test those notions. Yet, the warrior in me knows that we are made of the same stuff... . cells/brain/blood. I just started in a different place and have to go through my own hurdles. So when my thoughts are on the other side of this fight, I try to define what my worth looks like (and not base it on other's versions).

The most valuable man to me is one that honors, respects, and loves me. No amount of money or expensive car is worth more than that.

Be you. You are worth so much more than you can imagine.

[Take2]

SB, I don't feel courageous! I feel broken. I laugh & joke A LOT. It's what people say they like so much about me. But the laughter hides the tears of a clown!

Skip, whatever I'm "breaking through" feels horrendous. And feels like it's breaking me!

Moonie... .  

I am fairly certain that I'm not the only female on these boards who finds your posts to be sweet, thoughtful and encouraging as we read to heal our own pain.  Your personality is what the woman of your dream will love about you.  Not the car you drive - whether it's a Range Rover, Lexus or Honda Civic... .    and THAT is the r/s that you want... .   but you need to love yourself first... .   and see what the rest of us see in your (or well, read in your posts... . ) - that you have everything to offer an amazing woman who will be lucky to meet you... . !

[Want2know]

Hey Moonie, some really good stuff already said here, and I wanted to offer my support to you, my muso cohort.

It seems that there is something nagging at you that makes you think that if you had those material items and wealth, that your relationship would have been healthy and good.

I know you know the answer to that one.   

Big step for you here, my friend.   

[Murbay]

Moonie,

Your post has shown great strength and courage on your path to healing and something you should be proud of.

It has taken great courage to step up the way you have and although you might not feel it right now, it is most definitely true. The day will come when you find that woman who is capable of giving all that back to you, finding health and happiness on the steps to a brighter future.

Worth is not measured in material wealth, it is measured in trust, friendship, love and respect. Anyone who does measure it solely by material wealth is not worth your time of effort because it is not you they value.

To a pwBPD, it does not matter if you are rich or poor, what you have or do not have, the outcome and the illness is exactly the same. Cast your mind back to when you were a child, or look at children these days. Christmas comes around and they desperately want the latest thing. I know my daughter a couple of years ago was desperate for a furby and she got one. It was the best thing ever for about 3 weeks and then she found it annoying, finally having it's batteries removed and put away in the wardrobe.

In many cases, pwBPD think along the same lines. In terms of your ex, she sees the car, not the person who owns the car so it already about herself and not a relationship on mutual grounds. What is going to happen when she triggers?

I'm not wealthy but I'm financially stable. Able to pay my own bills and no worries about taking exBPDgf to Paris for the weekend and Venice, contributing to courses she wanted to do as a career path, helping to pay her bills when she faced eviction, sorting her car out so it was road legal (Both the latter were because of my concern for her children, they didn't deserve the stress it was causing them). I was able to provide financial and emotional security on top of everything else and never asked for anything in return. I'm still here on these boards because it ended just like many other r/s have on here.

She was afraid I would abandon her and she would be back in the position she has been in her whole life. She believed she was unworthy of receiving love, care, attention and stability. All the things she complained that she never had in life and craved. She still ran off with a replacement.

I have been reading your posts and comments across the board Moonie and I'm being perfectly honest when I say that you will make a girl so proud one day to be with you. You have everything that a healthy woman desires, warmth, compassion, understanding and as each day goes by you gain strength in yourself  

[Learning_curve74]

Hey Moonie, it hurts because your emotions are real, even though what you think are the facts behind the emotions are not true. Her disorder and behavior are nothing personal against you, which you realize from being on the boards here.

Men are not encouraged to feel the full gamut of emotions. We are the hunters and protectors, so most everything gets funneled into either feeling brave or angry. The truth is we hide or push down a lot of the other stuff. What you feel now is the price of being real.

You can take care of your turbulent emotions in a few ways. Mentally slow yourself down, acknowledge exactly what you're feeling, then look at the facts then reframe your thoughts to help change how you feel. If that's requiring too much energy, you can do something physically soothing to cope such as working out, taking a hot shower, going on a walk, watching a favorite movie,  cleaning the house, phone a friend, whatever works for you and gets you through it in a healthy non-destructive way.

Hang in there. And keep working on yourself because aren't you worth it? 

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Moonie-

Men are wired to provide for and protect their woman.  One way to do that is amass a lot of cash and material possessions, and when another man is doing that better than we are, we can jump to the conclusion that he's 'better' than us and feel 'less than'.  For most of human history all we needed to do was kill the saber toothed tiger and find a good cave and we were good to go, that put that look in her eye; a Range Rover can seem like a modern day equivalent of that, but it's a weak imitation.

But although those things are important to women, they're nowhere near the most important.  Love, honor and respect her, listen to her and make her feel like she's the most amazing woman on the planet, take her when she wants to be taken, do those things and having a bicycle as your transportation will be more than good enough, and a Range Rover won't compensate for a lack of them.  And we don't want to be with women who think it does.

Pertinent quote: ":)on't chase women, chase your dreams and women will follow."*

*Just make sure she's not following to attach and fuse to your psyche to 'complete' her.

[Moonie75]

Thank you all of you for your kind support & advice. I don't know where I'd be without the amazing community of this site!

I genuinely, until yesterday, had no idea that I was kidding myself so much. I really thought I had a good handle on things & then that conversation with the mutual friend shot me to pieces. I realized straight away how it made me feel 'less than him', and a loser by comparison! That's genuinely not like me & not how I would have reacted in years gone by. It made me admit to myself that I'm not as strong as I've been making out to be, to myself as well as you lot & others!

This relationship really has taken a bigger toll on my self worth & self confidence than I wanted to admit. But I've got so low I've had to admit it. Man or not, hunter gatherer provider, I feel like an epic failure. I feel like a broken man, acting & putting on a show to friends & family.

I've never been materialistic. I've never really lacked confidence in my past. This morning I was thinking about this & remembered an example of 'who I once was'... .

Before I met my uBPDex, I had been married. My wife left me & took me for everything she could. She was very nasty in the divorce & ruthlessly set out to take as much as possible. I found out during the height of the unpleasantness of it, that she was straight in with a new guy & he was wealthy, lavishing her with the luxuries wealth affords people to enjoy.

I was away the day I found out my wife had taken off with a 'money man'. I found out over the phone, from a friend.

I was away because I was playing at a big music festival. Fresh off the phone from my friend, I wondered around the festival & mulled over how hard I'd worked on our home, how much I'd supported my wife in every way & to the absolute best of my ability. Only for her to walk out for the trappings of money!

That evening we had to perform on stage for 2 hours. We went on quite late & I was almost still in a daze, preoccupied with my home-life troubles. At some point, two or three songs in I think, a realization hit me!

I was on a stage at a festival. I was playing drums with my band. The band were really together & we were all playing about the best we had ever played. The audience was a sea of faces & colored tops, all jumping around the thousands of people out there in front of the stage were loving it. The band was loving it. The whole experience was electrifying, and I was the drummer driving the band, who were driving the crowd!

The moment came where I realized 'This is what living is Moonie, you're really living'.

We finished our set & left the stage. The roar of a crowd wanting more was deafening as we made our way though the back stage amps, equipment & people. I KNEW I had just been paid to experience something money can't buy!

I never again after that night felt 'less than' when facing up to my wife running out to wealth.

Until yesterday. News of uBPDex lording it up with the trappings of wealth, brought it all back, and some!

Made me feel like $hite!

[myself]

Not good enough for someone who lives as if no one is ever good enough?

You're more than enough for someone good. You can believe it.

Lots of Beatles memories recently.

Remember this one?

"Can't Buy Me Love"

[RecycledNoMore]

Moonie...

Funny as hell, great batchelor pad, " one of the uks best drummers" ... .

So the other guy is loaded? So what... .

You have something money cant buy... .

Freedom, self respect,self awareness man...

You know that feeling you get when your rockin a crowd, wow, that is living, thats passion moonie, blood, sweat and tears,not alot of people get to experience what you do.

I hope you can see what we all can moonie, an honest to god good guy, just trying to make it through this with all ( most) of your marbles... .

P.s, not all women think that money is the be all and end all... . when you are ready and open to that fact, she will find you.

I really do believe that.

Chin up old bean... .

[clairedair]

Until yesterday. News of uBPDex lording it up with the trappings of wealth, brought it all back, and some!

Made me feel like $hite!

Hi Moonie,

It's interesting that you were able to identify current feelings with what you felt before in relation to wealth/material matters.  Can you think of a time even further back when you felt this way?  I can be 'felled' by a word/look at times when I'm feeling really good or confident and it really shocks me how quickly and deeply my 'not good enough' wound is re-opened.  I was actually brought up in a very loving, secure family unit but I do remember from a young age feeling disapproval or disappointment (for me, I think this was centred more around church and faith messages - a different kind of family!).  The actions and words of my ex can trigger me no end at times when I am doing well at work, feeling attractive, enjoying life.  I know it's a bit cliché but the roots of these feelings seem to be from childhood.

Is this definitely a 'money' issue (because I agree with others that being a good drummer means a lot more than dosh!)? 

And I wouldn't be too hard on yourself about 'lying' to yourself because the truth is probably not so much that you are pretending to be OK when you're not.  The truth may more likely be that MOST of the time you are OK and healing and aware that you're fantastic but that SOMETIMES you get hit with the Sledgehammer of $hite.

Do you watch Elementary (a US version of Sherlock but with Jonny Lee Miller in lead)?  I saw one of the last episodes of Series 1 last night and (SPOILER ALERT) he comes across a woman he'd loved who he thought had died a horrible death and he'd turned to drugs to deal with the pain.  He'd recovered and was living life fully again then he sees her and just crumples.  I had to turn it over for a while because Miller acted it so well that it reminded me of times when I was sailing along fine and then... . bang... . in a heap.

My son is a drummer and I recently went to his band's first paid gig - he just looked so alive.  So keep on drumming Moonie 

take care,

Claire