Vulnerability and pwBPD

[empath]

Oh, my.

Quick context: uBPDh and I are leaders at our church; each of us has different areas of responsibility that sometimes overlap.

Yesterday, we were at church, and several different sensitive subjects came up for many people. People were pretty open about their weaknesses and failures. My husband was listening and trying to convey grace and hope in the process. So, it was an emotionally draining and deep day. I missed these conversations due to another one that I was having. When we were wrapping things up, my daughter's church school teacher wanted to "talk with" me about something.

What happened in her class was concerning her. My daughter had 'blurted out' that her dad (uBPDh) had tried to kill her -- a revelation that her teacher didn't know exactly how to handle. The teacher did pretty well in asking followup questions, but she still wasn't sure exactly what had happened. I said that I would talk with my daughter and find out what was on her mind.

Once we got home, my husband was verbally processing something that one of our friends told him and the events of the morning that he was participating/leading. I listened while he talked about those things. Then, I described the conversation that I had with our daughter's teacher. He was understandably concerned (mainly about his own reputation, what people thought about him). After he talked a bit to our daughter, he had another commitment and had to leave.

I talked with our daughter after he left and found out what she was remembering. There was an incident a few years ago in which uBPDh started raging and got physical with her. She felt like she couldn't breathe. We talked about about it, and I told her that I was pretty scared then, too. I also had told her dad (my husband) that it wasn't okay for him to be physical like that with the kids. (at that time, I had decided that if anything happened like that again, I and the kids would leave)

When my husband returned, we talked again about what I had found out. He was very concerned about what we all thought of him. I said that I thought that sometimes his anger gets out of control, but it hasn't in a while. He said that he usually turns his anger inward as depression (we've talked about that many times). He talked about his anger/rage tendencies in the past and said that he knew where they came from. I asked where? He said that his own father was emotionally and physically abusive at times, and his mom didn't come to his aid. His dad was also a pastor, so the kids had to be 'perfect' in the sight of other people.

Then he asked what I thought. I said that I had many thoughts, which kind did he want. I ended up describing what I had seen about his own anger, which has caused difficulties in our relationship as well as with both our daughters. He knew this; we have talked about all this before. He was concerned that people would think that he is an 'abuser', that they would gossip, and that he would not be able to continue in his leadership roles. He also said that he had told the people who had decided that he could  become one of our leaders about his rage against our oldest child (our son). I said that it was good that he had already told them about this tendency, and I said that we need to be able to be honest about this incident. I didn't want to give him false hope because this kind of allegation could cause problems for him.

The teacher is one of our friends, so I think that she wouldn't be the one to gossip. However, the kids in our daughter's class heard this information, and kids sometimes talk. I told my husband this is the area that is not really controllable. So, I said the we need to be honest about the incident because hiding it isn't going to be a good thing. He seemed to accept that and remained calm and engaged for the rest of the day.

This morning, he was feeling really sorry for how he has treated his family, and he ended up crying and sobbing while I held him. Then, he went to work and came home for lunch.

I've been wondering if he is going to have to really look at his own stuff and really work on it. He seems to be having to do a lot more reflecting on areas in which he has hurt others (especially his family) -- and none of this is really 'my' bringing it up.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Lilibeth]

I feel with you, empath. I hope and pray he makes the effort, because i'm sure that at some level he will be able to change. I've learnt, from being here in this Family, that you will have to put in more of yourself... . There is only so much they can do, but as i'm learning, there are ways i can help keep things stable and peaceful and deflect the abuse. Your daughter will learn from you, empath - if she sees you handling it, she will be able to. My daughter has seen some of the most violent abuses ever, when my husband used to be physically abusive. We've been married 26 years. Since the past two years, while the physical abuse is not there, the emotional abuse continues as does the verbal shredding. Though there was no abuse towards her, she felt it as keenly seeing me... . I realized that timelines do get blurred in her mind and at the strangest of times she comes out with some memory... . I wasn't able to deal with it and handle it, empath, till i stumbled on to this website and became a part of this Family. Now, through my behaviour, she is seeming stronger too... . and i think the fear is leaving her, or at least she is getting the context. I think your daughter will be able to process it and deal with it better when she sees how you handle it. I do so feel for our girls... .

[an0ught]

Hi empath,

This morning, he was feeling really sorry for how he has treated his family, and he ended up crying and sobbing while I held him. Then, he went to work and came home for lunch.

I've been wondering if he is going to have to really look at his own stuff and really work on it. He seems to be having to do a lot more reflecting on areas in which he has hurt others (especially his family) -- and none of this is really 'my' bringing it up.

It is always encouraging to see some self reflection setting in as it is one per-condition for change. We who are the closest are often in the worst position to get that going.

[empath]

Lillibeth,

About a couple of years ago, we went through a really difficult time. My husband wanted to do something that was not okay with me. He was convinced that people would just change certain rules, and I knew that they wouldn't. He had a pretty lengthy time of dysregulation and said many, many hurtful and destructive things to me. Our older daughter heard all the arguments and emotions during that time. Eventually, we got through it because my husband decided to back down (I wasn't going to back down). After things settled a bit, I told him that the girls were pretty worried about things, so he decided he needed to apologize. When he talked with our older daughter, she started crying (she doesn't cry much and is a teenager). It was hard for him to see that he had caused them so much hurt because of his words and actions.


an0ught,

Yes, the self-reflection is encouraging. A couple of days ago, he mentioned that he had looked into finding a counselor to help with his depression that hasn't really responded to the things that he has been doing to relieve it. He has just started back on a diet and exercise program, though, and he said that he was feeling better since he started that. Of course, I have been encouraging him to do these things for months, but he had a friend who mentioned it about a week ago. Then he took action.

I thought it was really a good sign that he was looking for ways to help himself and is willing to follow-through.