My 21st birthday was yesterday... . Tonight I went out to the bars for the first time.I never wandered down there when I was underage, it truly was the first time tonight.
Back at the very end of my r/s with my BPDex she got a job working at one of the college bars. I didn't like it because of her already huge issues with cheating;I thought a bar was about as terrible a environment in terms of temptation as it could get, especially as I was leaving town for the summer. Sure enough, she started another relationship with a guy while we were together and I ended things, thus beginning my tenure on these boards as well as my recovery. When I came back to my college town after 3 months to begin classes again, I would go for runs that took me along the main drag where all the bars are. It sounds odd to say, but I felt a genuine aversion to the bar where she worked. I had never been inside it, but it felt like a great darkness lay inside. It would disturb me to think my BPDex was right inside... . I was always looking over my shoulder. A week or so into the school year I learned from a guy who has been going to the bars during the summer that my BPDex had left town... . a month earlier, in late July (the week after she really messed with me when I was in town, and when I finally blocked her number and went NC). I had been sweating someone who wasn't even in the same town anymore.
Regardless,my aversion to the bar where she worked remained. I just felt some real negative energy. Tonight I went out with some people, and the first bar we went to was the bar she used to work at. I was apprehensive and nervous even... . Of course it went fine (aside from it costing $8.50 for Jameson on the rocks... . ) but it was still just odd to know i was standing and seeing the place where my BPDex worked and walked around months ago... . Same uncomfortableness I feel when walking past or through areas that I have strong memories with my BPDex at.
It's been 10 months since the split, and 8 since NC. Today I got the idea of writing a letter, to possibly send on or around the 1 year anniversary. I think I'll write it first, and then decide if it is worth sending. I had the thought today that I think my BPDex is a much larger character in/piece of my life than I am in hers. I am another guy in a line of many... . Part of me is curious to know if she even remembers me... . How much I actually meant. I don't know yet. I still just have days where it is hard.
I've been exactly the same. I have to drive past the flat that me and my ex lived in on a daily basis, the one in which our child was conceived. I see things in the supermarket, which reminds me of her or I can associate with things we did together. Such as, a beer which I had only drank whilst on a date with her a few months ago when all seemed OK.
Just remember, you could look up at the Sun on any given day and be sure that she is seeing the same Sun. The bar she used to work in, it's just bricks and mortar. It's hard to detach from places and things that were in some way associated with the relationship, but when you do and you get there, it's much easier.
