How they go from hot to cold so easily?

[Dolly rocker]

Guys,

I'm very puzzled by how our pwBPD can love us soo much today and coldly dump us without a second thought tomorrow?

I really cant understand what triggers them to de-attache from us so easily.

I remember last year when my pwBPD told me how special I was, he even said I was "his life", then next day he dumped me for absolutely no reason.

Also he was always nit picking. He had the guts to say he didnt like the fact that my mum had money?

I mean what the hell? I never said my mum was rich. He just assumed it and used it against me!

So out of order. =(

[mitchell16]

i cnat explain it either but it seems to b ethe norm with them. one night me and mine was out having a drink, havig a good time. I went to the rest room. She texted me how much she loved, playing around. but being sweet within one hour later she is breaking up with me telling me she never wnats to see me again. I hadnt done a thing. or another night we are having mind blowing sex, her telling me how good I make her feel and the next night Im sitting on thte pation having a beer and she tells me I dont make loce to her like I used to anymore. Less then 15 hours after the fact. and she broke up with me again. So who knows why the do what they do.

[LettingGo14]

I'm very puzzled by how our pwBPD can love us soo much today and coldly dump us without a second thought tomorrow?

I really cant understand what triggers them to de-attache from us so easily.

I always come back to this article: https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm that says: "If you believe that your BPD partner was experiencing the relationship in the same way that you were or that they are feeling the same way you do right now, don’t count on it. This will only serve to confuse you and make it harder to understand what is really happening."

[Perfidy]

Sweetheart, whack is whack. There's better. You're better. You deserve better. Don't ever forget this. They ain't all like that. XOX

[dansure]

I don't know how they do it, but it shows that they are simply not capable of love as we understand it right?

I mean before me and my ex broke up she came and visited me and my parents place, she kissed me while I was sleeping and bought some new underwear with me.

10 days later she was totally indifferent about the relationship, baited me into a break up and I never heard anything from her anymore, except for the few times when I called her and the only thing she could say is how she hated our relationship and never wants to see me again. And yeah, within two weeks she couldn't even remember that it was our anniversary.

I was sad back then, today I can laugh about it. Laughing at the fact that I ever thought she is the one. She clearly isn't and I am glad about that.

They have so many ways to tell us that we are the love of their life and that they could never leave us. But at the end of the day the actions count right?

[BorisAcusio]

I don't know how they do it, but it shows that they are simply not capable of love as we understand it right?

It's not love, it's a NEED fulfillment bond. When you're no longer needed, you're discarded. 

[arielleis]

Allow me to use an analogy here to answer your question.

3 years ago, you bought an iPhone 4. You took care of it, it was brand new, shiny. You even spent some extra bucks buying it a nice case, so it looked just like you wanted it to look. You used it everyday. Sent a lot of text messages, listened to music, slept with it next to you. You did everything with this brand new phone,. It was always with you. You told your friends about how much you loved it. "Apple did a great job, it looks amazing. So easy going, easy to understand, very intuitive".

One day your iPhone started bugging... . You raged at it "F$%king Apple, they do all these products and they ALWAYS ALWAYS fail you". It was no longer performing the way you wanted it to perform. Well you just reboot it and it functions again.

Three years later... . your phone is still working. Bugs from time to time but a simple reboot works. After all, you saved all the data on iTunes. But the phone is a bit slow, lags sometimes. It has been used "a bit".

But it's fine. Apple just release the NEW 5s. So you go buy the 5s. And put the 4 in your drawer. You don't look back. You have a brand new phone. You barely think of your iPhone 4... . After all, it is an "old model"

Do you miss your old phone? No?. Who misses an "object"? You have a new one! That you LOOVE just as much you used to love the iPhone 4 when it came out. But this one is shiny and new. You can install all the apps you want, have it look and feel just like you.

But sometimes, your iPhone 5s bugs a bit, so you put your sim card on the old phone just so you can have a functioning device for the day, then once you reboot the 5s, you put it back in and continue using it.

This why the go from hot to cold... .

I hope this story resonates with you.

And for those who have any doubts... . WE were the phones. Not the user. They are called "users" for a reason.

AL

[dansure]

Wow, it actually makes me feel disgusted I they really feel this way.

It's actually really sad that we even grieve after they left us, since they really don't deserve it at all.

[blissful_camper]

Thank you for this.  Great analogy. 

[Allmessedup]

Wow... . as an avid iPhone user this analogy is perfect!  Thank u

[node4]

arielleis

Epic my friend simply epic. Love the analogy.

[nolisan]

 She didn't stay over the first night we first made love. As she was leaving I asked if she wanted to go to a Sunday brunch in the morning. "OK".

When she picked me up she was totally detached. It was spooky and chilling. After brunch she drove me home and I playfully asked if she wanted to come in to "snuggle". "No". I leaned over to kiss her and she turned away. What the heck.

A preview of much more strangeness to come ... .

[Skip]

Sometimes our senses are very deceiving.  

Galileo Galilei proved that when he showed us that the world was round.  

Why are the SO go from hot to cold so easily?

pwBPD traits (many of the SO here are not clinical BPD) generally have poor executive control - in other words, they are emotionally impulsive (low EQ*).  This means that they are hugely driven by their immediate mood.  

Good moods Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and she thinks you are great. Bad mood Friday becase you slighted her and she lash out at you.  On Friday, your partners feelings are mostly based on Friday - not the overall average of the week.  

Many of us are just the opposite, more cerebral (but also a bit low EQ), and rather than seeing it for what it is, we see it as 180 change in direction and try to sell the partner that their real feelings are how they felt on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

This sets up ongoing conflict that festers over time where on the bad days we get pushed away (which triggers our abandonment fear), on the good days we tell our SO that they aren't good partners (which triggers their hypersensitivity and feeling of low self worth).

As the conflict escalates, a pwBPD starts using their best/worst coping mechanism (fight or flight).  Many of us use our best/worst coping mechanism (validation seeking, neediness).

This is not to say that we are the entire problem.  But it is to say that they are not the entire problem.

We often handled situations in a way that makes it worse on ourselves. There were likely many choices we made in the course of the relationship that we should have played differently and, as in any relationship, choices made by ech party slowly mold the direction of the relationship in a stepwise fashion .

Many of us didn't see what we were doing when it was happening and we still don't see it.  The predator/prey, host/parasite, "supply" analogies are "the world is flat" thinking - and yes - the world does look really flat - especially here in Texas - but it is not.

Good mental health is hard - its not a given - we have to work at it - we have to dig a little deeper into how we are living our lives.

EQ - emotional quotient.

[Perfidy]

Hot, cold? How about vile? What about when it goes way beyond hot or cold? In spite of my participation I was not vile to me. Someone else had that part.

[Skip]

Hot, cold? How about vile? What about when it goes way beyond hot or cold? In spite of my participation I was not vile to me. Someone else had that part.

Perf, not judging you, just answering your question with your own words.  You hooked up with a hot young meth addict for sex immediately after falling out with a prior girl friend.

I didn't think I would end up in a long term relationship with her for three reasons. First, she was sixteen years my junior. I was 43 and she was 27. Second, well... .  She was a meth head. Third, I had just ended a relationship and I was aware of the potential of a rebound.  A short term relationship was all that I was interested in.

    Sex was my motivation not intimacy. I didn't want it to last.

It was a one night stand that lasted eight years.

Sex was part of the hook. I'd say the entire hook really.

And right after you learned the meth addict was in a relationship with another man (at the same time as you) didn't you meet this even younger girl who had been living with her mom.

She is 27 not 25.  the thought that she may "outgrow" me is the only thing that is stopping me from putting a giant rock on her finger.

My point is that if we all break these things down and look hard we will find that we had a larger role in the relationship fiasco than we might think.

You are not alone in this.  I read it back here all the time - members that don't see themselves in the relationship failure that hurt them so much.

That list included me. 

[Perfidy]

True story, Skip. Rebound from hell.

[LettingGo14]

We often handled situations in a way that makes it worse on ourselves. There were likely many choices we made in the course of the relationship that we should have played differently and, as in any relationship, choices made by ech party slowly mold the direction of the relationship in a stepwise fashion .

Many of us didn't see what we were doing when it was happening and we still don't see it.  The predator/prey, host/parasite, "supply" analogies are "the world is flat" thinking - and yes - the world does look really flat - especially here in Texas - but it is not.

Skip, I think this is a wise post.  It prompts reflection.   I will say that, until I found your site a week ago, I felt completely alone and completely crazy, even as I spent a ton of time in therapy and self-reflection.   I felt like the crazy, discarded, needy one.  Until I started reading about the BPD patterns a week ago.   (My xBPDgf has a dBPDmother.  She has 2 prior marriages, and 8 jobs in 10 years).    

I had a 1,500 day (give or take) relationship.   The first 100 or so were "idealized."   It definitely met a post-divorce need in me, and I was hooked.   I was definitely "needy."  After about 100 days, I felt a bit smothered, and tried to "differentiate."  We started a push/pull dance of about 200 days, which led to abandonment/replacement and about 300 days of separation, in which I was completely lost.   We got back together in Year 3, had an okay year, but started the push/pull dance again in Year 4, until it ended.

I agree that I did not made all right decisions in my relationship.  I was reactive at times.  I was needy many times, and sought validation.   .  

But, here's the thing.  My T would say, why can't you just move on?  Until I started reading the materials and posts here, nothing really resonated.   Why had she kept referring back to the first 100 days as the "only" time we worked well?  Why did she get so engulfed she would run away?   Why were things "never enough"?  Why did she parrot my words back at me?  Why would she smear me to everyone?  Why did she paint everything black when she felt bad?  

My point is this:  Your site has been extraordinarily valuable to me.  I have turned the spotlight back on myself, but I can breathe again b/c I found a community where the behaviors which confounded me make sense.

I think you've provided a great forum for this exploration.  So thanks.  

[Iwalk-Heruns]

Sometimes our senses are very deceiving.  

Galileo Galilei proved that when he showed us that the world was round.  

Why are the SO go from hot to cold so easily?

pwBPD traits (many of the SO here are not clinical BPD) generally have poor executive control - in other words, they are emotionally impulsive (low EQ*).  This means that they are hugely driven by their immediate mood.  

Good moods Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and she thinks you are great. Bad mood Friday becase you slighted her and she lash out at you.  On Friday, your partners feelings are mostly based on Friday - not the overall average of the week.  

Many of us are just the opposite, more cerebral (but also a bit low EQ), and rather than seeing it for what it is, we see it as 180 change in direction and try to sell the partner that their real feelings are how they felt on Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday.

This sets up ongoing conflict that festers over time where on the bad days we get pushed away (which triggers our abandonment fear), on the good days we tell our SO that they aren't good partners (which triggers their hypersensitivity and feeling of low self worth).

As the conflict escalates, a pwBPD starts using their best/worst coping mechanism (fight or flight).  Many of us use our best/worst coping mechanism (validation seeking, neediness).

This is not to say that we are the entire problem.  But it is to say that they are not the entire problem.

We often handled situations in a way that makes it worse on ourselves. There were likely many choices we made in the course of the relationship that we should have played differently and, as in any relationship, choices made by ech party slowly mold the direction of the relationship in a stepwise fashion .

Many of us didn't see what we were doing when it was happening and we still don't see it.  The predator/prey, host/parasite, "supply" analogies are "the world is flat" thinking - and yes - the world does look really flat - especially here in Texas - but it is not.

Good mental health is hard - its not a given - we have to work at it - we have to dig a little deeper into how we are living our lives.

EQ - emotional quotient.

Skip,

But who of us could have been possibly prepared to understand the dynamics of what we were really dealing with? I mean most of us never even heard of BPD until we encountered it firsthand. Yes we were not perfect but no one can be. I mean the reason there is this site and workshops and articles here is to educate us on how you are to relate and respond ( or not) to a person with BPD because it is a terrible mental illness. There is a steep learning curve that frankly a lot of trained psychologists don't have a complete grasp on. I feel like sometimes you put the equal responsibility and blame on those of us who tried our best with unworkable situations which may very well have worked had this person been healthy. I'm sure many of our situations were different.

You once told me not to speak in absolutes but I feel like that is what you are doing here with all due respect. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

I ask this with all good intentions but since you definitely give very specific advice/theories.( I'm not just talking in this statement but in general) . Could you fill us in on your background. I know you are the director but I mean any clinical background ect... I've always been curious. This is not meant as a criticism just for my knowledge. This may be somewhere but I may have missed it. I value your work and opinion just think it would be good to know.

[Skip]

In my opinion I just got stung! Bad! Now I know to stay away from bees and know what they look like and what they sound like.

My feeling is that unless you really think you have deep issues ( which I think is fine if you have to work on them). But I sometimes worry we are making ourselves sick by thinking there is something inherently wrong with us. No one is perfect!

Hi walk'

I know you have long held the opinion that "stuff happens"... . not my fault... . avoid the bees.  In the end, we are the ones to make that final analysis for ourselves and not everyone will conclude the same.

I also remember that you were cheated on and didn't find out until the end of the relationship. That is a huge betrayal and nothing anyone is saying suggests you have a role in that.

But who of us could have been possibly prepared to understand the dynamics of what we were really dealing with? I mean most of us never even heard of BPD until we encountered it firsthand. Yes we were not perfect but no one can be.

bpdfamily is not about blame.  We are not to blame the first time we touch a hot stove either.  The question is what can we learn about it and the lesson goes a lot deeper than don't touch the stove at 3212 N. Sycamore Street.  

Your a single women and 20% of the population has a mental health conditions - higher if you look at single people over 40. How will you navigate this field... .

You once told me not to speak in absolutes but I feel like that is what you are doing here with all due respect. Maybe I'm misunderstanding.

I am speaking in broad generalities about SOs with mild to moderate BPD traits with codependent partners (partners that were more committed to the relationship than the "BPD" partner) - that is a large block of our leaving audience - but not all.  

Could you fill us in on your background. I know you are the director but I mean any clinical background ect... I've always been curious. This is not meant as a criticism just for my knowledge. This may be somewhere but I may have missed it. I value your work and opinion just think it would be good to know.

bpdfamily's healing platforms are based on peer reviewed clinical psychology reports (articles, papers, interviews, compilations, etc.) and we are advised by two professionals, a MD psychiatrist from a major university and a PhD. psychologist with CBT specialization that treats both partners and people with BPD. This is what drives the staff overall.  We are the facilitators.  We don't write the material, we just bring in the work of experts and share it with members under the guidance of the professional advisors and HonCode.

For reasons of anonymity, I prefer not to say too much about my background other than I have a graduate degree and work in the medical field.

[itsnotme567]

Allow me to use an analogy here to answer your question.

3 years ago, you bought an iPhone 4. You took care of it, it was brand new, shiny. You even spent some extra bucks buying it a nice case, so it looked just like you wanted it to look. You used it everyday. Sent a lot of text messages, listened to music, slept with it next to you. You did everything with this brand new phone,. It was always with you. You told your friends about how much you loved it. "Apple did a great job, it looks amazing. So easy going, easy to understand, very intuitive".

One day your iPhone started bugging... . You raged at it "F$%king Apple, they do all these products and they ALWAYS ALWAYS fail you". It was no longer performing the way you wanted it to perform. Well you just reboot it and it functions again.

Three years later... . your phone is still working. Bugs from time to time but a simple reboot works. After all, you saved all the data on iTunes. But the phone is a bit slow, lags sometimes. It has been used "a bit".

But it's fine. Apple just release the NEW 5s. So you go buy the 5s. And put the 4 in your drawer. You don't look back. You have a brand new phone. You barely think of your iPhone 4... . After all, it is an "old model"

Do you miss your old phone? No?. Who misses an "object"? You have a new one! That you LOOVE just as much you used to love the iPhone 4 when it came out. But this one is shiny and new. You can install all the apps you want, have it look and feel just like you.

But sometimes, your iPhone 5s bugs a bit, so you put your sim card on the old phone just so you can have a functioning device for the day, then once you reboot the 5s, you put it back in and continue using it.

This why the go from hot to cold... .

I hope this story resonates with you.

And for those who have any doubts... . WE were the phones. Not the user. They are called "users" for a reason.

AL

Great analogy and it fits my wife well but I started thinking about this I get a new phone start out loving it as it gets older it has some quirks but I still want to keep it I'm used to it it fits my needs So why change, of course people and relationships should last much longer than phones. She wants to leave me like the 3-4 phones she has gone through in 2 years and I'm still holding on to the used one she gave me 2 years ago.