Foundering...

[Frameshift]

I've been no contact with my BPD mother for a little over a month.

I'm in the process of applying to medical school, and I'm not doing too well with it. My MCAT scores aren't very good, I'm running aground on my essays and I just feel defeated. My mother had been an integral part of my previous school applications - she's very smart, a superb editor and when I was younger I always felt like we were challenging our family's poverty and lack of access to education together. The more I succeeded, however, the more my mother's attacks escalated.

The coup de gr

[Frameshift]

Anybody? Please? ?

[irishbear99]

Hiya Frameshift.   

I'm sorry you're going through such a hard time right now.  Applying to med school is stressful enough on its own.  Throw a pwBPD in the mix and it's enough to drive you up a wall, huh.

FWIW, the thing that stood out to me in your post was the emphasis on your uBPDm's feelings - even at the expense of your own.  This especially:

Do I just concede the occasional attack so she feels less isolated?

As an adult child of a uBPDm, I understand where that comes from.  We are well trained from a very young age to put the feelings of our pwBPD above our own.  Thing is, though, her feelings are NOT more important that yours.  You have a right to your feelings, as well.  And, you have a right to protect yourself... .even if your mother doesn't like it.  Even if it leads to No Contact.

[animalluver73]

Hi Frameshift,

It sounds like you're in so much pain right now. You have your hands full and a lot to deal with at the moment.

You mentioned some really hurtful comments that your mom made about your med school aspirations. I'm so sorry you've had to experience that. There's never a good reason for someone to make degrading personal attacks.    

You mentioned that a former T revealed that your mom was BPD. Is she still in T with a different person?

Please take care of yourself.

[kris38]

Frameshift

Remember, you did not make her sick and it is not your responsibility to make her well.  Yes, we all wish our parents could love us the way we want to be loved and we have every right to feel that way.  You have every right to want a normal loving relationship.  Unfortunately, she hasn't changed.  Maybe I'm not supposed to give my straight opinion, but it seems to me that you felt so much better with No Contact. When we give into our guilt, I believe we give our BPD parent power. My mom did the same thing, she reached out, I fell into my old patterns, I took her back and she hurt me again.  Tonight, I decided to take my power back and I can't believe the change I feel.  It is a huge relief to be done with it... .probably for good.

Of course, only you can make that decision.

Don't you let her get the best of you when it comes to being a doctor either! I can tell by your posts that you are an intelligent person and an incredibly tallented writer.  If you desire to become a doctor, you can do it, with or without your editor.

I hope this may help a little... .God bless you!

[Frameshift]

Thank you all. I didn't even realize how very upset I was until I was riding home on the subway and felt tears falling down my face. Your thoughts help provide context and allow me to come back form the cliff to reality.

@animalluver73 I'm not entirely sure if she's back in T yet, but the other T stopped caring for my mother four or five years ago. I don't know why their partnership ended.

@kris38, Thank you very much, and you're right I do feel better No Contact, there's just always the nagging guilt of standing up for yourself. With your support, I'm testing out wobbly legs.

Thank you all.

[BlueCat]

Honestly, I miss her too. I miss my healthy mother, who encouraged me to go to college, who said she was so proud of me when I got into my competitive post-bac program. But I just cannot tolerate the damage she can cause, and I don't have to reserves to defend myself from her. I cannot even cope with what she's already done to my sense of self-worth.

I get that     I miss my mother sometimes too. Not the raging, angry mother, but the mother she can be when she's in a good mood, feeling well, got enough sleep, everything is going her way. It hurts that there are times my mother can be wonderful and that I had to give up that mother to escape the hurtful one.

I can't tell you what to do, no one can but you, but for me I realized that the good times and the good mother were not enough to make up for the damage she did and continued to do to me. If she got help (meds maybe, some good therapy) and changed I would be happy to have her back in my life, but she won't. And honestly, maybe at her age, she just can't at this point.

You're new to No Contact. It took me months and months to get past the bulk of the pain and sadness. For me it's been over a year now (two years this October) and while I still have moments, I am doing much better. You'll get there. You'll have to work on it, work through the pain, read this board, read books, journal, let your anger out, cry when you need to, and just plain give it time, but you'll get there.

 

[Frameshift]

So it's been two years, two years no contact and two application cycles. It's surprising how hard it is to advocate for yourself coming from a BPD-background.

But, since I do cite this board as having been helpful, I thought it appropriate to share my good news after two years.

I got into medical school. I'm going to be a doctor.

[Sitara]

Congrats! How exciting! Best of luck to you! 

[Frameshift]

Thank you!

[PleaseValidate]

CONGRATULATIONS, Frameshift! So great to hear such positive things happening after such adversity!

[strangerinparadise]

Honestly, I miss her too. I miss my healthy mother, who encouraged me to go to college, who said she was so proud of me when I got into my competitive post-bac program. But I just cannot tolerate the damage she can cause, and I don't have to reserves to defend myself from her. I cannot even cope with what she's already done to my sense of self-worth.

I get that     I miss my mother sometimes too. Not the raging, angry mother, but the mother she can be when she's in a good mood, feeling well, got enough sleep, everything is going her way. It hurts that there are times my mother can be wonderful and that I had to give up that mother to escape the hurtful one.

I can't tell you what to do, no one can but you, but for me I realized that the good times and the good mother were not enough to make up for the damage she did and continued to do to me. If she got help (meds maybe, some good therapy) and changed I would be happy to have her back in my life, but she won't. And honestly, maybe at her age, she just can't at this point.



You're new to No Contact. It took me months and months to get past the bulk of the pain and sadness. For me it's been over a year now (two years this October) and while I still have moments, I am doing much better. You'll get there. You'll have to work on it, work through the pain, read this board, read books, journal, let your anger out, cry when you need to, and just plain give it time, but you'll get there.

 

I can't agree enough with Bluecat and Frameshift.

Also, Congratulations! You are going to rock!