tell me again please.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

please people remind again how stupid and crazy that going back to a BPD person is. for those who dont know. My exBPDgf and I split in july after a 2 and half year crazy, muliple recycle relationship. which even us attempting therapy and her not sticking with it. I stayed away this time even when she would call. I stayed no contact for a couple of months abd then opened the door just alittle to lite contact, once in while for call from her or a text every now and then. We work very close togther so I try to maintain some ways of bing civil. Since valentines say, she has uped her game. lots more contact, asking me to lunch, and me going with her. I did enjoy her company wont lie, since there was no pressure of relationship it was nice. we laughed and talked like we used. then out of the blue she goes nc for about 7 days. I dont heard a peep, which I dont pursure her. I just let it go. Last week she started back up out of nowhere. once again the text and then a lunch. She tells me how depresseed shes been and hasnet even cleaned her house which is very out of character for her. Thursday we had a wonderful conversation, no argueing, we talked about us and she talked about what to get back togther. I didnt say anything one way or the other. The next day I get some texts from her, once again talking about her depression and how her life is not where is should be. I send her once back and out of nowwhere she asked me what I was accusing her off. I tell her nothing at all, I was just agreeing with her about what she said about how her life has become a mess. She then tells me she knew I was accusing her of lying and I havnet heard from her since. But once again I felt i did something wrong and feel bad but im not sure what i did. and I again telling myself why do i care. this was exactley the sort of thing that happened the whole relationship and this what she did most of the time to get away, cheat or because she had some sort of better offer then spend time with me. Only I was asking her to spend time with me at all. I called this her way of manufacturing an argument. so what could have possibly happned, cause I feel about just like I did when we broke up 6 or 7 months ago except minus any anger. Tell me once again, how I this is hopeless.

[mitchell16]

please people remind again how stupid and crazy that going back to a BPD person is. for those who dont know. My exBPDgf and I split in july after a 2 and half year crazy, muliple recycle relationship. which even us attempting therapy and her not sticking with it. I stayed away this time even when she would call. I stayed no contact for a couple of months abd then opened the door just alittle to lite contact, once in while for call from her or a text every now and then. We work very close togther so I try to maintain some ways of bing civil. Since valentines say, she has uped her game. lots more contact, asking me to lunch, and me going with her. I did enjoy her company wont lie, since there was no pressure of relationship it was nice. we laughed and talked like we used. then out of the blue she goes nc for about 7 days. I dont heard a peep, which I dont pursure her. I just let it go. Last week she started back up out of nowhere. once again the text and then a lunch. She tells me how depresseed shes been and hasnet even cleaned her house which is very out of character for her. Thursday we had a wonderful conversation, no argueing, we talked about us and she talked about what to get back togther. I didnt say anything one way or the other. The next day I get some texts from her, once again talking about her depression and how her life is not where is should be. I send her once back and out of nowwhere she asked me what I was accusing her off. I tell her nothing at all, I was just agreeing with her about what she said about how her life has become a mess. She then tells me she knew I was accusing her of lying and I havnet heard from her since. But once again I felt i did something wrong and feel bad but im not sure what i did. and I again telling myself why do i care. this was exactley the sort of thing that happened the whole relationship and this what she did most of the time to get away, cheat or because she had some sort of better offer then spend time with me. Only I was asking her to spend time with me at all. I called this her way of manufacturing an argument. so what could have possibly happned, cause I feel about just like I did when we broke up 6 or 7 months ago except minus any anger. Tell me once again, how I this is hopeless.

[GreenMango]

I'm not sure it's hopeless as mmuch as the expectation with her.

My feeling is it is difficult to have a platonic relationship with someone you more than platonic feelings for.  And that if the person has BPD or erratic emotions or emotional problems a friendship needs to be very careful.  Not getting too involved - keeping it light ... . aka no lunches or emotional conversations.

It does sound like she is struggling with depression and possibly looking for solutions in the wrong place ... . As in a relationship.  Is she in therapy to address this?

Mitchell I think you need to be the lead on this making decisions on what's best for you.  If you ley her lead you might be in a relationship faster than you realize.

No judgment here but maybe you aren'tas detached as you need to be to be able to have a friend relationship.  If you look at the detaching steps on the right hand margin what step do you feel you at now since re engaging with her?  And what are you wrestling with the most ?

[mitchell16]

i agree. Im not detahced enough I thought I was. I do have a very slight hopes of a relationship still. When she comes back around I see the small glimpse of normal she can be. Its like the flip of a swith the other side shows up and once again IM scratching my head saying what did I do wrong, again. I dont want to to be he friend and I have told her this much, point blank. Its either she get help and we have a relationship or move on away from me. BUt she is relentless.

as far as therapy goes, no she is not. she is a therapist herself and works with therapist that only enabler her because theya re not familar with BPD and of course the never see her true symptoms becasue she doesnt show them that side of her. when we have discussed BPD issues, she runs back to them and the y tell her no she dont have BPD. BUt our therpaist who is independant of her, told me based on what I have told him and the little bit he saw. she sound svery much like she is.

[GreenMango]

It sounds like you've communicated what you need from her and she isn't able to do it.

This is hard to accept.  And reengaging with hope that things might be different can be self torture.  Both the regular loving part and the volatility is her.

The steps on the right side ... . acknowledgment,  self inquiry, processing etc.

Do one of those describe where you are at with her? 

[ynguns2]

Please don't beat yourself up. I have done this numerous times and it took abandoning me in Pittsburgh 400 miles away from Chicago to figure it was finally over.

I feel your pain because these people look up to you and give you praise then the next minute they cut you down. I felt like a tree I would grow and grow and then she would chop me down. they have their bar set so high nobody can get over it.

I feel your pain and I am here for you message me anytime and I can give you some more good advice. hang in there your not alone there are plenty of people on here and all will help you get through this and trust me you will :-)

Jim