Silent screaming, my new normal.

[kay62105]

It helps me to write. That's such a big part of why this forum is so magical I think.  The other part, reading and connecting with others and their stories and feeling like you are not alone. 

I wrote this, this week and thought I'd share incase it strikes a chord in anothers life but it's such a win/lose situation for me.  As much as I want to relate to others and have them relate to me, I feel awful that there are so many struggling with the same things.

If you take the time to read, thank you! and enjoy:

I wonder if you ever hear me when I’m hit with the magnitude of how rarely you listen

Raw in the throat from screaming, screaming out your name, screaming out your name

Begging you to notice, to open your cold steel eyes, screaming with my own steel eyes

When did my eyes become the same as yours?

I’ve been begging you to see, to see the beauty I’ve built up around you. Do you ever truly catch sight of this? I’ve grown so weary from the work. Exhausting the depths of my mind to resolve our strife when a menacing memory resurfaces, opening yet another depression to explore.

Depression…depression, but isn’t that your name? Isn’t this the game we’re in? Falling in-to another great depression. A hole that never seems to end, a rift, a crack, a break in the seams… It’s so easy to see. It was there all along and I fell right in.  I’m bound by you, depression.  You have me tied up and gagged.  You’ve taken everything from me.  You control me. You own me. My master. You control my beating heart. You control my every thought. You own me, depression.

I hold on so tight to the perforation in my mind.  I dance along the line and in the silence you cannot see how beautifully I dance.  How graceful I must be to follow the contour of your ever changing love.

I hold on so tight to you, depression.  I know you so well. I comprehend the feeling of my arched body when you feel love.

I shout when I think you are looking but then I never know if you really are. Amiss is the knowledge of my initial awakening as I live like a recluse.  So hidden I cannot prove the existence of myself.

Nevertheless I still shout, scream, blare, howl, yell…Directly into your soul but I can never make a sound.

You silenced me long ago and I learned the faults of speaking out. Part mute yet always screaming.  Taught so well to regret the actions and the words that come out when I break through the silence. I have earned no rite of passage for expressed thoughts and every feeling has been proven to you by others false, depression.

Let your grasp go. You have to of held on long enough.  My minds so jumbled, my memories so fading.  Please, depression? Or didn’t you tell me your name once? I vaguely recall your introduction. That time feels like a dream, was it real? What was it you said to me? You called yourself my boyfriend, correct? Wait, that wasn’t it.  You’ve changed your name so many times, depression. If I dance along another line will I remember? If I linger on this thought, if I lea…That’s it! I know your name. Your name is my name, right depression? My name, my name…What did you do with her? Where did she go?

A fairy tale I was? A dream? A book I read somewhere, once? Or a wish? A tale I wished I lived in.  A story I dreamt of as a little girl. Yes, a dream of a fairy tale I read and was going to live. It was good vs. evil wasn’t it? It had a happy ending, right? With a knight, correct? A knight in shining armor. The memory is slipping. That can’t be right.  The knight is not portraying the way it’s meant. The knight wears a mask. Now I can remember, I thought the stories all went how I dreamt but it never does.  Reality is made of chaos and nonsense. The story is truly of how the knight, who was meant to save, couldn’t keep his uncomfortable mask on forever. It had to be taken off and it was seen. The Knight is the Witch! The knight is the Witch!... . the night is the witch, the night scares me, the nights without him I dread.

Again, the stories are false and another crack is revealed. Another realization sinks in. It’s taken so long to notice, hidden in the pages of the story is the moral of a lost soul who is unable to be saved by anyone and unable to save itself.  Always waiting for rescue and redemption.  Every attempt fails pushing her further into the clutches of witches and curses, sadness and loneliness.  Every attempt makes her seek more shelter with you and your soothing words, depression.  I don’t know how this story ends. I always close the book when she starts to realize that only she can help herself.  I can’t bear the struggle within. I can’t bear to look at the screaming steel eyes of the girl drawn on the pages of the days I’ve lived. So eerily how I connect with them. The right thing always feels so wrong and the wrong thing always feels so right.  I will wait and crumble, I will wait for my rescuer until the earth caves in on itself. I don’t want to save myself.  I don’t want another to try again. I found the one I wanted to be rescued by, the only one who truly could have saved me but I cannot love the witch that carves the depressions in my mind and I cannot have the knight without the witch.

I will try to not forget that I am you even though it’s so easily done.  Your eyes are mine and the parallels are crossing deep down in the beginning of this existence.  That this all can ring true in more ways than one.  Which one am I, depression? Am I the knight or am I the witch? I’d like to think I’m the knight but I have a feeling the knight and the nights belong to only you, depression.

[heartandwhole]

Thank you for sharing, kay62105, I was moved by your words.  Writing is great, isn't it?  I think it's very important to express what is inside of us, in a safe place.

The right thing always feels so wrong and the wrong thing always feels so right.  I will wait and crumble, I will wait for my rescuer until the earth caves in on itself. I don’t want to save myself. 

This really resonated with me, and brought some sadness, too.  I feel compassion for all of us who haven't known how.  We tried to rescue others thinking it would save us, too.  We were doing the best we could, and now we can learn to do better.   

[kay62105]

Hi heartandwhole! You're welcome and thank you too, so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read, share and connect.  Writing is great!

I agree wholeheartedly ( no pun intended   )

I'm sorry it brought you sadness and i do agree, it brings me sadness too but I'm really hoping to learn how to save myself even though I say I don't want to.

[RecycledNoMore]

Hi heartandwhole! You're welcome and thank you too, so much! I really appreciate you taking the time to read, share and connect.  Writing is great!

I agree wholeheartedly ( no pun intended   )

I'm sorry it brought you sadness and i do agree, it brings me sadness too but I'm really hoping to learn how to save myself even though I say I don't want to.

Dear Kay

That was beautiful and painfull to read,painfull because I know where your coming from,I think everyone here knows the crippling pain and seemingly non stop trauma of being with a pwBPD,its a very important emotion though kay, its part of a journey that we are all undertaking,even if you realise it or not... .

Keep writing,keep expressing yourself,pour it all out and hopefully youl be able to start to make sence of things,your not going through this alone.

[Stjarna]

Thank you, Kay, for sharing your beautiful words.  So many of them ring so true for me as well.  Thank you... . bless you.

[kay62105]

Thank you recycledNOmore! I appreciate your kind words. I will keep writing and expressing myself and it feels so nice to know that I'm not alone in this journey, right back to you 

Stjarna - You're welcome and thank you! Thank you for reading and taking the time to leave such a kind reply. Bless you too!