I lost it... so I lost this round.

[Chosen]

Hi all,

I guess me coming here less these days means things are generally better, so that's definitely a good thing.  Well, things weren't so good last night.

Basically, uBPDh has been feeling a bit down lately because of work (this lately = several months).  I have tried to listen and validate and not judge, because to be honest a lot of times things that upset him so much seemed like very normal office politics.  I mean, nobody likes that but everybody goes through those.  But I don't say these things.  I tried to listen and be compassionate about his unhappiness at the place.

This week has been stressful for me as well, as we've got this new guy and I am training him.  Meanwhile, I'm also taking up most of the stuff he does because obviously he's new and don't know anything about his job yet.  So I have to do that in addition to training him and my own job, which is always hectic at the beginning of the month.

Yesterday H was feeling low, he sent me some emails about it, I validated him.  At night we got home really late and he started being upset about pretty much all my actions.  He said I rejected everything he asked (he asked if I wanted some fruit, I said no; he wanted to move something to a different location, I said no... . ), and why did I have to do it when he's already feeling upset?

Well... . I didn't know those things have a connection.  I mean I genuinely didn't want fruit so I said no, I didn't realise he would connect all these things together with his work situation.  So anyway I said sorry, but I got into the trap of J.A.D.Eing.  So you all guess what happened.  He didn't believe I was sorry, and then although (thank goodness) he didn't lose his temper big time/ shout at me (he definitely would have before), it made me really frustrated because I felt like whatever I did to try and help things didn't.  So I snapped.  I talked back at him.  So of course the night ended with me being at fault, like it always is.  It doesn't matter how much validation/ listening I have given to him previously, now I am a horrible person and he "only asked for you to be a normal listener, but you don't let me share any feelings".  (Wait, I did let you share for months didn't I?  But that doesn't matter anymore)

He even said that he wishes he has another wife.  He's not going to (and even if he is, I can't stop it), and he’s always made it clear that he is not proud of me as a wife (comparing me to other people’s wives, telling me he loves me despite all my faults) so I already know it, but it still hurts.  Obviously I can’t mention that to him because it will be a totally new argument then.  But oh how I WISH I could be like other women who feel like their man just marvels at them, thinks they’re the best wife/ mother/ person.  Most of the time, mine makes me feel like he’s just tolerating me.  He’s never said that he loves me because I’m good, rather he’ll make it clear that he loves me because HE is good.  Anyway, sorry for this rant… I’m feeling kind of rubbish (I’m in a work environment where my boss clearly thinks I’m of no value whatsoever, so I’m used to this).

I know we’re all human and we do slip up from time to time, particularly when we’re not so emotionally well ourselves.  But it upsets me that every time I slip up, none of the times I succeed matter anymore.  I tried hard at those too, and they didn’t seem to make a difference. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[joshbjoshb]

Welcome to the shocked club! Here are all of the people who are shocked to find out they are human and make mistakes

On a serious note, you must work on yourself to build your own self confidence. It seems like you have a little issue of co-dependency which is why you keep on seeking his validation.

BPD spouses were given to us so we learn to be independent and strong.

[Chosen]

Thanks, and I'm not new to the club   so actually I'm not shocked at all.  Just fed up with how I forgot not to JADE and just not to engage in all of that rubbish talk.

And also, I wasn't looking for his validation.  But then it's totally different from HIM being upset at everything I do (I wasn't upset he didn't appreciate or anything, he was upset because I didn't do what he wanted and he made a fuss about it).  And to be honest, who wouldn't want others to appreicate what they do, out of kindness?  We may not do it so that we will be praised, but I have to admit of course it makes me upset when you try your best and you're still said to be the worst person ever (even though it's not true at all, and you know it deep inside).  If you say that when your spouse expresses these things and you don't even feel a bit upset about it, I would wonder where your relationship is at.

[joshbjoshb]

Thanks, and I'm not new to the club   so actually I'm not shocked at all.  Just fed up with how I forgot not to JADE and just not to engage in all of that rubbish talk.

And also, I wasn't looking for his validation.  But then it's totally different from HIM being upset at everything I do (I wasn't upset he didn't appreciate or anything, he was upset because I didn't do what he wanted and he made a fuss about it).  And to be honest, who wouldn't want others to appreicate what they do, out of kindness?  We may not do it so that we will be praised, but I have to admit of course it makes me upset when you try your best and you're still said to be the worst person ever (even though it's not true at all, and you know it deep inside).  If you say that when your spouse expresses these things and you don't even feel a bit upset about it, I would wonder where your relationship is at.

It's a relationship with a person who has a disorder, so it's not the regular kind of relationship you might be thinking about or looking for.

It's sad reality, but you have to build yourself in a way that you won't be depending on him for emotional support. Think of him as someone who is ill and in bed all day. Would you expect him to fix something in the house? No, because he can't.

Your husband, for most parts, can't provide you emotional support, or perhaps appreciation. He is too much busy with the horrible feelings he has himself, the feeling that he is not worth anything. So he can't devote any resources for you, simply because every ounce of energy is kept for the most important tasks of his life: the struggle with emptiness.

Of course to us, normal people, all of this looks non sense. But for him it's very real.

So if you know that he can't, you need to start building yourself a large support circle. Friends, family, therapy, you name it. But he shouldn't be one of them, he needs help himself and right now can't provide it.

Until you don't learn it, you will always be resentful.

[gary seven]

[quote

It's sad reality, but you have to build yourself in a way that you won't be depending on him for emotional support. Think of him as someone who is ill and in bed all day. Would you expect him to fix something in the house? No, because he can't.

Your husband, for most parts, can't provide you emotional support, or perhaps appreciation. He is too much busy with the horrible feelings he has himself, the feeling that he is not worth anything. So he can't devote any resources for you, simply because every ounce of energy is kept for the most important tasks of his life: the struggle with emptiness.

Of course to us, normal people, all of this looks non sense. But for him it's very real.

So if you know that he can't, you need to start building yourself a large support circle. Friends, family, therapy, you name it. But he shouldn't be one of them, he needs help himself and right now can't provide it.

Until you don't learn it, you will always be resentful.

My last few days have been like this; a year and a half ago, she was in bed daily with this illness, alternating with rage.  I was Dad,Mom and Grandparents to my small kids... . fast forward to the now, she's trying that again and I understand she has her own reality.

It just is not what the kids and I have as the present.

I swing into resentful, but I try to be sympathetic.  My survival skills are weakening, and I may have to just get this over with once and for all.  What is a shame is that its my bday and our anniversary weekend.

I don't know what to do.

[Chosen]

It's a relationship with a person who has a disorder, so it's not the regular kind of relationship you might be thinking about or looking for.

It's sad reality, but you have to build yourself in a way that you won't be depending on him for emotional support. Think of him as someone who is ill and in bed all day. Would you expect him to fix something in the house? No, because he can't.

Your husband, for most parts, can't provide you emotional support, or perhaps appreciation. He is too much busy with the horrible feelings he has himself, the feeling that he is not worth anything. So he can't devote any resources for you, simply because every ounce of energy is kept for the most important tasks of his life: the struggle with emptiness.

Of course to us, normal people, all of this looks non sense. But for him it's very real.

So if you know that he can't, you need to start building yourself a large support circle. Friends, family, therapy, you name it. But he shouldn't be one of them, he needs help himself and right now can't provide it.

Until you don't learn it, you will always be resentful.

What you say is true and helpful, however not in my situation as HE is the one resentful to the things I do, not vice versa.  As you said, they don't think like we do, so I can't help it when he resents the things I do.  All I can do is not to add fuel to the fire by retaliating.  In case you missed the point, I was saying how I didn't react well this time, not blaming how he acted out. 

Yes we're human and we all make mistakes, I get it, we all get it, but when we make mistakes (by not remembering the Lessons and Tools), in the end we will take the consequences, and that never feels good.  Other people may make judgements saying "you shouldn't expect the pwBPD to be able to understand you", yeah, I suppose a lot of us know we have to be the emotional caretaker already, and I dare say a lot of us are doing a decent job at it a lot of times (otherwise we won't be on Staying board), but sometimes we fail when we wished we did a better job.

Somehow I don't think that indicates we're resentful of the pwBPD.

[Moselle]

BPD spouses were given to us so we learn to be independent and strong.

That might just be the most profound thing I have heard for a long time. I like it

[Olinda]

I tried to quote someone below but may have messed it up. Sorry, it has been a while since I've been on a forum.

Anyway, just wanted to say that this is really helpful to me.  But also hard. Because my partner uBPD has a lot of abandonment issues and anytime I want to spend time with someone else, I am accused of taking time away from her and not wanting to be with her and etc... .  So I have to just stop seeking validation from her for performing self-care.  Which is so hard... . And hence the work I am doing on me.

Thanks for this.

It's a relationship with a person who has a disorder, so it's not the regular kind of relationship you might be thinking about or looking for.

It's sad reality, but you have to build yourself in a way that you won't be depending on him for emotional support. Think of him as someone who is ill and in bed all day. Would you expect him to fix something in the house? No, because he can't.

Your husband, for most parts, can't provide you emotional support, or perhaps appreciation. He is too much busy with the horrible feelings he has himself, the feeling that he is not worth anything. So he can't devote any resources for you, simply because every ounce of energy is kept for the most important tasks of his life: the struggle with emptiness.

Of course to us, normal people, all of this looks non sense. But for him it's very real.

So if you know that he can't, you need to start building yourself a large support circle. Friends, family, therapy, you name it. But he shouldn't be one of them, he needs help himself and right now can't provide it.

Until you don't learn it, you will always be resentful.

[Mutt]

I tried to quote someone below but may have messed it up. Sorry, it has been a while since I've been on a forum.

No worries. This will help, Quoting a Post.

[waverider]

Chosen you are just feeling drained and jaded.

You are right we all like to feel validated by the person we are involved with, even if we know it may not happen, or carries little weight if provided. We all dwell in the land of "if onlys" from time to time.

Non of us are equipped to completely avoid going there, however you are now equipped to realize exactly where you are, why you are there, and to pull yourself back from it when you are ready.

It will pass and the daily dance will continue, and this will just be another of those moments that form part a of a BPD RS.

[waverider]

By the way, now I no longer fear my partner being triggered I am not afraid of "loosing it" myself from time to time. That is what normal folks do. I dont guilt myself over it. Her inability to cope with me loosing it, is part of her disorder not mine, to avoid your right to be angry at times is also a form of walking on eggshells.

Even when I loose it I am more in control than I ever used to be thanks to what I have learned.

Loosing it can often flush away a lot of compounding resentment, so is not always a bad thing.