Scared

[Winston84]

Hey

I've been in a relationship with my bf for a bit less than a year now. It started wonderfully, we complemented each other in a way I had never felt before, and we communicated fluently and honestly. Then a few months ago he started feeling depressed, he kept comparing himself to me, comparing our jobs, our families, our bodies and kept going on about how he felt inferior. His job then started to get pretty stressful and that's when it got out of control. He would refuse to go out, have episodes where he would bang his head on the wall, where he would get mad at me for the smallest things, and started threatening with suicide... . It's extremely unnerving. I feel like I can do anything by myself without fearing he'll hurt himself. I started a new job last week which I can't enjoy because all day I get texts of how miserable he feels.

Last week I found this forum and I have been reading and learning about BPD. I've also applied some of the communication techniques they described, which have been working pretty well. This weekend was the first quiet one in a long time. And yet I couldn't enjoy it because I keep wondering: "how long will it last?"... . This feeling of walking on eggshells is overwhelming.

However I really love the guy and I really believe in his potential. But I'm scared this will only get worse. My therapist believes I should get out of this relationship ASAP, so do my parents and my close friends. But I'm torn... . If BPD is a mental illness, wouldn't it be really awful not to give this relationship a chance? I feel it's like breaking up with someone because they got diagnosed with cancer or whichever disease.

I guess I just need to believe that things CAN improve (with effort, of course), and that this sense of dread will not become a constant in my life.

Thanks for hearing me out.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[maxsterling]

Hi Winston.  It sounds like you are going through a very stressful situation.  I think you have come to the right place, because there are many people and stories on here that are very similar to yours.   I'm glad you have a therapist for yourself, and supportive friends and family.  Having those kind of resources certainly helps you not feel so alone. 

The suicide talk is very scary.  I still have an image of my BPD gf standing in my living room screaming, telling me that if I left she would kill herself and I would come home to find her body and it would be my fault.  As much as I try, I can't let go of that image.  Now, every time she says something negative, raises her voice, or even starts cursing a lot, I panic and think she is in distress.   I've never been trained anyone like this in my life.  I'm not trained to deal with this kind of crisis, and you aren't trained to deal with it either. 

Does he see a therapist?  Has he been diagnosed with anything or take any medications?  It isn't a hopeless illness and there are things that can be done to help, both on his end and your end.  Keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

[Skip]

If BPD is a mental illness, wouldn't it be really awful not to give this relationship a chance? I feel it's like breaking up with someone because they got diagnosed with cancer or whichever disease.

I guess I just need to believe that things CAN improve (with effort, of course), and that this sense of dread will not become a constant in my life.

Thanks for hearing me out.

You can't really know if it will get better.  There are two things at play here - his issues and how the two of you relate and work together.  You say the latter is not going well.

You may be able to do things to improve the relationship and that may in turn be motivating to him to work more on himself.

Improving your ability to better respond to him - which is an issue of skills, and strength and compassion - might be something you want to try.  You will know in a couple of weeks if that is helping and he is stepping up.

I suspect your therapist (and parents) are saying that they believe this is going to be a difficult path... . it may be... . but it is your choice to make... . choose wisely. 

[HopefulDad]

If BPD is a mental illness, wouldn't it be really awful not to give this relationship a chance? I feel it's like breaking up with someone because they got diagnosed with cancer or whichever disease.

A SO with cancer indirectly affects you.  Yes, you suffer in observing their plight and at the thought of perhaps losing them.  But you yourself are not suffering the disease.

A SO with BPD directly affects you.  Your mental well being is under attack.  Your own health, both mental and the physical manifestations from the mental ambush, is at risk.  You must protect yourself from the direct suffering.  If that means eventually you decide that leaving the relationship is the best way to do this, don't let the FOG prevent that.

[Chosen]

Hi Winston84 

It sounds like your relationship is bringing you a lot of stress.  ANY relationship with a pwBPD is very stressful a lot of times.  What's already been suggested above are all very good, and I just want to say I'm glad you found the site.  This site is my lifeline and keeps my sanity when things are bad.

Some people leave their partners when they don't have cancer/ mental illness, when they "merely" lost their job.  Is that awful?  We may think it is.  But some people just can't handle it.  If you can't, then it's not up to anybody to judge your relationship.  I just want to share with you my personal experience.  I didn't know what BPD was before I got married, but even when we were dating there were some  .  I staying the relationship, I tolerated many things I shouldn't tolerate, even though some people told me to leave (not many people knew what went on with my relationship).  I didn't, and there were people who just felt like "well, you stayed, you deal with it".  But it's not that simple.  It's still really tough at times.  My H isn't diagnosed and is very high-functioning, so most people don't think there's a problem.  Sometimes it makes me feel very lonely because I wonder if I'm insane or what (that's why BPD is a crazy-making illness- makes the people around the pwBPD crazy). 

Anyway... . my point is, it doesn't matter what other people tell you to do.  You're in this relationship, only your decision alone is important.  And you don't have to decide now.  You can just wait and see whether the situation improves.  As said, nobody knows what the future brings.  But as you practise the Lessons you will see if things get better (I'm sure they will), and if so, it is to the point which you are ok with the relationship.  THEN you decide what to do. 

Take care!

[Winston84]

Hey

Thanks everybody for your replies. I truly feel so much better knowing that there are other people going through similar experiences.

I have been reading the Lessons and applying the communication techniques. It is REALLY hard to validate some emotions... . And then avoiding looking burned out because that will undo everything the SET did... . But it is really hard! You validate one emotion and one hundred thousand more pop out, each more ridiculous than the last! The only good part is that the suicide talk has decreased significantly. But it is so exhausting!

I know I might sound repetitive. I just really enjoy not feeling so lonely.

Still hoping it ges better!

[Grey Kitty]

It is hard to validate, especially when they are tough emotions aimed directly at you... . or even projections of things you aren't feeling that you are told you are feeling!

One thing I have found is that doing a half-way job of validation is as bad as doing nothing possibly worse... . and a LOT more work on your part.

I found that it wasn't too hard to not say something invalidating (except when they spilled out of my mouth before I thought!), and sometimes the best I could do was end the conversation without making things worse.

So cut yourself some slack on the validation--it does help a lot, but you can only do so much of it in a stressful situation.

Hang in there! With practice, it gets easier for you.