4 kids and a BPD wife

[Yarrabee10]

Thanks for letting me vent. I have introduced myself and my situation already. I just need to know if there are other members on here with kids and a BPD wife and how to cope with the decision to stay or leave?

Fir the first time in 25 years of being with my wife, i am standing my ground and will not say sorry for something I did not do, just to keep her happy and sane. She cannot handle it and has ignored me for the past 5 months. Yesterday she moved out of our room, took our bed and everything and moved into the spare room. I decided to write her a long letter explaining to her how I feel and what I have experienced over the last /5 years. I reassured her that I love her and me writing the letter is not to blame her or belittle her. It is me telling her how i feel. I said to her that i am responsible for my 50% and admits that we both are victims and she needs to take responsibility for her 50%. I dont k ow if she read it, but found it torn up on my bed. I told her that she needs professional help, as i am already getting that. I also told her that I will not tolerate disrespect towards me or my children and that we will not tolerate her yelling and screaming at us. I alsi told her that i will hold her accountable for her 50% and also hold her accountae for 50% of the finances as she has decided to move out abd live like divircees under the same roof.

Why do i feel sorry for her. Am i doing the right things

[ugghh]

Welcome and sorry for your pain.  You said you are getting professional help for yourself, congratulations that is a huge step in recovering.

YES , you are doing the right thing!  It is called setting boundaries and it is perfectly normal ad healthy. You feel sorry because you are likely a kind an empathetic reason.   That is okay as well. You just are choosing to no longer be manipulated .

[nona]

Welcome, and sorry you find yourself here, but glad you will be supported here.

Good for you.

6 years after I married uBPDh, (I did not know about BPD) I finally told my husband for the first time I needed an apology, he needed to apologize for something he had done.

He blamed me and ran away to another hotel and hid for 4 days.

I stayed for another 4 years of hell, then he dumped me .

Hang on tight here, blessings and peace ,be proactive , real proactive.

[Recurve]

I have e three children and believe my wife has BPD. I have been in therapy almost a year now and had to defend my going to tx as my first boundary which is still tested by her every time I go. My wife moved to a different room 2 years ago, it's tough. I applaud you for confronting the yelling, etc... . I seem to still have difficulty confronting much of what I see as very negative behavior towards myself and my children.  Just this morning my wife blocked my car as I was trying to go to work because she was raging and I would not stay and participate.  I locked myself in the car,started it and waited. After 10 minutes and some pounding on my trunk she gave up. Now I get the calls and texts at work and will have silent raging for awhile now.  It is very tough to set the right example for the kids, sometime I think they see her crying, yelling, and carrying on and they think I am the one who is doing wrong rather than being able to understand the extinction bursts that follow my attempts at boundaries.  I have a lot to learn... . your post is very encouraging, I have also communicated the 50% notion to my wife! she says it's 90/10 though,I get the 90 of course but don't accept it.  So many of us experience similar situations, I am still hopeful I can end the 2 year divorce under the same roof by learning more skills. Hang in there.

[Perez]

Yarrabee10, I feel for you and can empathize.  The post you have written could almost have been written verbatim by myself.  Also married for 25 years with multiple kids at home.  Six months ago I finally told my wife no more.  No more apologizing for things I have not done, begging forgiveness for not loving her enough.  No more listening to her rages, now I just walk out.  Her reaction was to essentially put a halt on our marriage.  She had me move out to a different room, we are essentially separated but living under the same roof now.  At least with the separation, the rages have slowed down, replaced by a continual contempt.

Take the opportunity to work on yourself, focus on improving yourself and your relationship with your kids.  Try not to waste much energy on having your BPD spouse take responsibility, it goes against every fiber of the disorder.