Newly Diagnosed Wife

[Intellectual]

My story is in the newbie section as well as talkaboutmarriage.com seeking support and advice.

Ok Im not really sure where to start here. My wife and I just hit our 2 year anniversary and have been on and off before we got married for about 5 years. Weve been together completely since Apr 2011.

Before me my wife never really had actual relationships. She would mostly just sleep with a guy and that was it. Since her and I got together sex has always been... . vacant for the most part. When we started dating we didnt have sex for quite some time. I later found out that the night we went on our first night she went and slept with a guy because she had "already planned to".

So since sex and almost any affection or emotional connection from her was almost always not apparent. I began a series of online relationships throughout the course of her and I being together. All of which she found out about of course.

Once we became married I stopped. Because I wanted to commit to he completely. My wife has always been a drinker and Ive noticed but never really thought it was an issue. She picked it up more heavily after the birth of our second child.

She went to rehab for it and for her being raped as a child and being emotionally tortured by her mother for 15 years. While there for about a week once she went to where they treat you for emotional trauma she expressed to me that her sexual urges which the doctor said that she had "Interpersonal Sexual Urges", were getting out of control and hard for her to handle. While there she developed a connection and then a crush on one of the female patients. She made out with this person. She called me later that day and told me and then wanted to talk about being in an open relationship to which I immediately said no. She called me closed minded and we fought about it almost the remainder of her stay. She left home Dec 9th and returned Feb 26th. I was home with our kids waiting on her and this is what happens. She doesnt view it as cheating because it is another woman. She also feels that there is no one person who you belong with and if you find someone of the same sex you should be able to have sex with them.

On our daughters birthday she approached me with the idea of having a threesome which ofcourse as a guy I agreed to it at first. On the drive home I realized it was more for her wanting to have sex with else. IE this other woman. I was infuriated. I called her the next day and told her that if she couldnt have sex with me and me alone and be happy with that and if sex with someone else was something she really wanted then Id grant her my blessing but I wanted a divorce if that was her choice. She said that she didnt want a divorce so that was the end of it for the time being.

She said that she wants a more full sex life with me. And upon her return she doenst want me to masturbate nor does she want me looking at porn. She wants me to either wait till shes in the mood or ask. Which when I asked before she went to rehab all I was met with was rejection. Its gotten to the point that I hate that I desire her. My lowest point was when I was looking online for medication to lower my labido but the only thing I found was pills for chemical castration which for a moment I considered just because maybe itd be easier without the desire. She even ridiculed me for wanting to have sex a few times a week. Weve had sex once since shes been back which even then I was scared to do. Before she left her and I got into it and she said that "90% of the time she does want to have sex just not with me". I expressed to her that I really dont think she likes having sex with me because all shes expressed is the desire for someone else.

She claims she doesnt know what she wants. She says she loves me but shes not in love with me right now. She wants to make sure she married me because she loves me and not for the kids. Theres so much I want to express to her but Im afraid to. I want to stop wanting her so much so she'll be happier. Ive even done as much as to look for medication to lower my labido but all I found were pills for chemical castration which for a moment I actually considered.d

Since shes been back shes been diagnoased with PTSD, BPD and Alcohol Dependency. I really dont know what to do anymore. Im with someone who I want and love so much. Shes always in my thoughts. And my desire for her adds up day to day especially with what she wears around the house most of the time. I need some advice. Im at whits end.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Olinda]

It sounds like there are a lot of issues going on.  Have you considered going to therapy yourself?

Being with a sexual abuse survivor is an experience that requires a lot of patience and understanding. And that is not even counting BPD or addiction issues... . I think that any partner of a person with a lot of issues would need some help from a therapist to have that reality check and ability to vent and express. 

Just my humble opinion.  Good luck to you and keep reading around here, it is very helpful.

[MissyM]

First off, welcome.  Being married to a BPD addict is very difficult.  I absolutely agree with the advice to get your own therapist and I recommend Al-Annon.  It sounds like your wife dBPDw has sexual compulsion, also.  I am married to a dBPDh drug and sex addict.  It is very tough and I have to work hard on myself, my recovery from codependency and my boundaries.  I can tell you that even though my dBPDh isn't in a good place right now, I am.  The three Cs of AlAnon also apply to BPD.  I didn't cause it, I can't control it and I can't cure it.  I have absolutely no control over what my husband does but I do have control over myself.

Keep reading the lessons and find support for yourself.

[hergestridge]

To sum this up: she doesn't love you, but she wants you to wait around for her and maybe she will love you later. Do you really think this will happen?

Borderline people think their partner are objects without feelings. You have to tell her what is intolerable. Such as her demand that you will not masturbate when she doesn't promise any regular sexual availability. She does not understand reciprocity. Time to set boundaries IMO.

[SweetCharlotte]

It's always best to do without pornography. I hate to use the cliché, "studies show," but they do show that the more one views and uses pornography for sexual stimulation, the less satisfied one feels with one's actual sex life.

There is a direct link between consuming porn and not enjoying sex with a real, live person. So, whatever else your BPDw says that is unreasonable, in this respect she is right. If you want things to work with her, you will have to set aside the porn and keep away from online relationships.

If you two have two children already in the short time you have been together, you must have been quite occupied with pregnancies and babyhood. Make sure that your intimacy will not be linked to more reproduction before you are both ready by using birth control.