I struggled a bit when my ex contacted me out of the blue

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's so they can be seen to care, as if opening the door for you to speak your mind and share yourself. They don't really want to know, because it triggers them when we express our feelings. It's fishing to see if you still care about them, if they're still welcome in our lives. It's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.

For some reason, this just triggered a thought in me, when it was said, it's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.  It almost made me feel bad, they put us through a lot, and I'm over the girl I dated as far as a relationship, but I do still care for her well being and all, and I never thought about it this way, until I read those words, alot of them had rough childhoods, and have dealt with all type of trauma, is it really that bad, that they want to assure themselves, that you are still in their corner, despite the things they have put you through.  Some are not over their relationships, so i understand not giving them any satisfaction, but I am over my ex, but still care about her, and she called me out of the blue a few months back, and people would say, I shouldn't answer, and I answered and was asked this question, but you know what one I look back on it, she is another human being that I care about, so if she needs to know in her own weird way from me, that I have her back, if that helps her get through sometimes, I'm ok with that, because it is not having any effect on me, so I don't see the problem.

[eclectic]

It's so they can be seen to care, as if opening the door for you to speak your mind and share yourself. They don't really want to know, because it triggers them when we express our feelings. It's fishing to see if you still care about them, if they're still welcome in our lives. It's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.

For some reason, this just triggered a thought in me, when it was said, it's a way to get a dose of someone being there for them.  It almost made me feel bad, they put us through a lot, and I'm over the girl I dated as far as a relationship, but I do still care for her well being and all, and I never thought about it this way, until I read those words, alot of them had rough childhoods, and have dealt with all type of trauma, is it really that bad, that they want to assure themselves, that you are still in their corner, despite the things they have put you through.  Some are not over their relationships, so i understand not giving them any satisfaction, but I am over my ex, but still care about her, and she called me out of the blue a few months back, and people would say, I shouldn't answer, and I answered and was asked this question, but you know what one I look back on it, she is another human being that I care about, so if she needs to know in her own weird way from me, that I have her back, if that helps her get through sometimes, I'm ok with that, because it is not having any effect on me, so I don't see the problem.

[Surnia]

Hi eclectic

I think NC is often a good thing especially for the first time after a breakup. Its however not something written in stone or a rule. A goal could be controlled contact.

The idea that NC is always better is even a so called Urban Legend. Here is a part of a post about it:

Controlled Contact. Experts suggest that the best way to break away is to "Gradually become more boring, talk less, share less feelings and opinions. The goal is almost to bore "The pwBPD" to lessen the emotional attachment, at the same time not creating a situation which would make you a target.".

https://bpdfamily.com/tools/articles10.htm

Controlled Contact works really well.  Often there is a little reaching by the other party at the beginning, but if we stay cool, the extinction burst depletes and the person lets go.

The biggest advantage of CC is that it phases detachment, a little at a time,  as both parties accept the distance.

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[Tausk]

Thanks E for the very nice post.  Everyone's interaction is different, every person is different, every ex is different, and every situation is different. 

And the most important part IMO is simply what is the intention of my actions.  If my actions are in anyway self centered, or meant to manipulate the Disorder, or based on malignant hope or denial about the Disorder, then my actions will result in destruction and continued loss of my "self".

But if my actions are based on compassion and caring and wanting to support another, then those actions are noble, worthy and ultimately positive to the development of my "self".

For me, I have to maintain NC.  My ex betrayed and lied to me in such a manner that any contact would simply be a sign that her actions were acceptable.  And I will not engage unless she is able to take a bit of responsibility for her actions.  But I still care for her deeply.  I wish her the best.  I pretty much daily include her and her husband who cheated on me, in my prayers and pray for their well being. 

But I know that NC is the greatest gift I can give her.  She would triangulate me given the chance, but I will not participate. 

Does that mean that if I saw her lying on the side of the road from a car accident I wouldn't help.  Of course not.  I'd call 911 and then run away as fast as I could 

All kidding aside, it sounds like what you did was in the intend of support, consoling and compassion.  And that is admirable. Congratulations on your ability to do so.  It show that you have been doing the work on the self that can bring you to that point. 

It shows growth and grace 

[buddy1226]

Thanks for that eclectic. You have arrived in my IMHO. That is where I want to be with all this when it i said and done. That must feel god. Sounds like you have peace.