She was so attractive

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Lost tree are you sure you had the same values? 

Looking at family values and her behavior towards you?

Hi Green Mango,

Well…I'm pretty sure. At least when she was on her good behavior it seemed we shared the same values. And like Turkish said, I too saw my girlfriend mistreat her mother whom she is very close to on several occasions. I don't know what to make of it all in the end, it has certainly crushed me that... . 1. I was pushed hard enough to send her a break up letter, 2. That I have heard NOTHING from her or her parents, 3. It would appear that our breakup has caused her NO heartbreak what so ever…she is still posting on Twitter etc…like nothing happened.

Sad.

Hi lost tree, I think you can be sure it did. Her silence is her way of dealing with it, a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Denial in public telegraphs that, in my opinion.

[Turkish]

Lost tree are you sure you had the same values? 

Looking at family values and her behavior towards you?

Hi Green Mango,

Well…I'm pretty sure. At least when she was on her good behavior it seemed we shared the same values. And like Turkish said, I too saw my girlfriend mistreat her mother whom she is very close to on several occasions. I don't know what to make of it all in the end, it has certainly crushed me that... . 1. I was pushed hard enough to send her a break up letter, 2. That I have heard NOTHING from her or her parents, 3. It would appear that our breakup has caused her NO heartbreak what so ever…she is still posting on Twitter etc…like nothing happened.

Sad.

Hi lost tree, I think you can be sure it did. Her silence is her way of dealing with it, a dysfunctional coping mechanism. Denial in public telegraphs that, in my opinion.

[redbaron5]

My UDex was very, very attractive. She was a professional make up artist and model in Las Vegas. She fit allot of the criteria of Histrionic Personality Disorder. She dressed very seductively, talked very seductively, behaved in a provocative manner. She would always say things like "I want to look good for you, I want to be your arm candy, ect ect... . " I read allot of things on this forum that seem very histrionic but it rarely gets mentioned here. As we all know its a spectrum disorder so all the "Cluster B's" can overlap. I think a major facet of cluster B is "dressing" yourself up mentally and physically, its all part of their "mask."  Alot of them know they are shallow and need to "hooK" their next prey/host/source/supply in one way or another, one of the easiest ways to do that is to look great. I know as a man I overlooked ALOT of her red flags because she was so beautiful. Obviously that is my problem, and something I need to address, but we all succumb sometimes.

[pinkparchment]

My ex was attractive, and had specific physical features I find beautiful (skin, cheekbones, style etc) but she wasn't a stunner. But I was still more attracted to her--IMMEDIATELY--than I have ever been to anyone else in my life. And it was at first sight, before I ever talked to her, became friends with her, or knew she had BPD. I've wondered what causes that feeling when you see someone from a distance and just KNOW they are going to play some huge role in your life. Cause in my experience that role has almost never been positive. 

[goldylamont]

Well, I have a theory, actually two, and both are dark but I will share and see what you guys think. My ex was very good looking--i hate admitting it but it is true. she dresses rather conservatively but stylishly. did not need makeup and rarely wore it (i think when she wore makeup it was when she was nervous). got attention and compliments all the time. i would actually have to convince her to wear dresses sometimes that showed off her body some as she was always anxious about it. but in plain jeans and a t shirt any guy or gal would could still tell she was extremely attractive.

so, my first theory is this -- yes pwBPD tend to be more attractive relatively speaking; perhaps more so for women with BPD in straight relationships with men. and, you probably won't like this, but i think this dynamic is common because it's easier to control people who aren't as physically attractive as you are. while not universally true let's think about how we see the role of physical attraction seems to be more important to straight men than women when selecting a partner. so if you are a really attractive BPD woman, and how a guy looks isn't super important to you, then the situation where you can get a guy infatuated with you quickly and control him is easy if in general you are out of his league in the looks department. so, i'm not saying here that a pwBPD is more attractive than the general public, but that it's possible that they get in r/s with people that aren't as good looking as them, relatively. so the "non" sees them as the most gorgeous thing ever, because in reality they don't get men/women usually this attractive to pay attention to them.

i saw this dynamic play out by the guy my ex got into a r/s with after me. she had this guy wrapped around her finger, he was texting/calling all the time. he was whooped from the start. i felt he probably couldn't believe someone this "hot" actually loved him. when i saw him (he helped her move out), it was crazy -- i don't want to be disrespectful to my fellow men, but my ex was just way, waaaay out of his league in the looks dept. before i even met him or knew what he looked like, when she would tell me how great he was and how much better he was than me, i told her the reason she was with him was because he was so easy to control and p-whipped and that she would tire of him and throw him away when she was done using him to hurt me and soothe herself. and this all came to light in a few months.

my second theory makes me shudder to think about... . but still something that's crossed my mind. and that is that i wonder if more attractive boys/girls are more likely to be the target of sexual abuse. thus leaving many highly attractive adults with emotional issues. ... . ?

[ts919]

My wife is certainly a very attractive woman; very classically beautiful (looks very similar to Audrey Hepburn, who she happens to be obsessed with), tall, thin, no need for lots of makeup.  You definitely feel like a rock star walking into a room with her.  She has that whole "quiet, mysterious" vibe as well... . but watch out, it's a trap! 

Without a doubt her looks attracted me to her - I would say that if I was going to describe my version of the "perfect woman" that my description would most definitely have come out sounding exactly like her looks-wise. 

At the risk of sounding conceited, I'm a good looking guy myself and we would always get compliments of how we looked together.  It was definitely an ego boost for me... . I had just come out of a marriage with my first wife who had left me for another man. 

My rule for future relationships... . be less concerned with her looks and be more concerned about her relationship with her father... .

[Ritchie53]

I can empathise fully with all of these comments about attractiveness. In my case I had the reverse situation. I was the more attractive of the relationship, and to some, by quite a margin (this is not a chance to brag etc as you will shortly see), did this save me? A big NO, it made my life a living hell. The projections made were awful, I made her feel ugly, she would spend hours upon hours getting ready and if I did not compliment her fully she would rage uncontrollably, if I did compliment her she would say I was just like every other bloke after her body etc. This eventually led to all the facebook pictures of her posted up with an increasing amount of men liking her photos, saying how good she looked, her removing me as being in a relationship with her so more could comment freely, there was no win, if I said something I was jealous and she would tell me that people do find her attractive and how easily she could get another man etc.

On our final meeting she told me she has never felt so ugly as when she is with me. That cut so deep, it was all a complete fabrication in her head, but the jealousy plotlines were the absolute killers, they were made to make me feel unworthy, ugly, she said I walked around without a care in the world, how I loved myself etc, how I always looked in mirrors etc? And her parting shot with regards my looks was, that was the only thing that I had to hide my ugliness inside and soon they will fade away and you will be a left a sad lonely old man. So wrong was she about the way she viewed how I percieve myself - devastating stuff.

[day2day]

Goldylamont, I think that both of your ideas are well thought out and have a lot of merit.

These are possibilities we need to reflect on. Not exactly the stuff that happy days are made of. Clarity often comes with a price.

[goldylamont]

i am still working through my issues with attractiveness, and questioning how much merit i put into this quality. how as a man i may be selling myself short by waiting around for a woman of certain physical beauty before fully committing. it's not a simple thing to think about or overcome -- i'm not so vain that i would only be with a woman b/c she was 'hot' if i thought she was a bad person. the problem with my ex was that she met all the physical ideals i had, sure, but she also appeared to be very loving, very loyal and in love with me. in certain situations you could see a couple and wonder "how'd that happen?", but with us it felt natural and as if we complimented each other in many ways.

what i realize now is that my ex made me feel safe. Safe b/c i used to question whether i could be totally faithful in a long term r/s. not because i had wayward thoughts but only b/c i had so little experience with long term partners. my parents split when i was really young--i was too young to even remember it (so thankful for this) but i know in my 20's i was wondering if i was capable of leaving a r/s like my father had. well, so far i have proven to be a faithful man, not just in r/s with pwBPD but in serious r/s both before and after (i've had 4 long term r/s so far, xupbd was #3).

part of the allure of being with someone you find this physically attractive is definitely tied to your ego. it's thrilling to be with someone that you are confident looks on the outside how you feel about life on the inside. however, for me i realize that vanity was only part of the equation (albeit it was part of it). I realize I also felt "safe" because i didn't really have a wandering eye, didn't have the urge to be with other women. i was centered, settled, satisfied in many ways. and this is a very hard place for me to get to, so i'm reevaluating why this is so.

i had a year long r/s with a very attractive woman after my breakup with xBPD. but both being in our 30's we got to the point where we had to think about things long term... . a woman rightfully needs to think about and plan having children at some point, and i wasn't quite ready for this. so we are not together any more, but she was such a beautiful person, i still think about her with a smile. so i'm kind of in an interesting place now where i'm questioning how much physical attractiveness has to do in my decision making when choosing a mate and if this is serving my greater purpose in life as well as it should be. a super attractive person, who appears to be totally committed to you initially, is intoxicating though and what i feel is what is most painful to many of us... . when we find out this person just isn't who they made themselves out to be... .

[Ironmanrises]

Well, I have a theory, actually two, and both are dark but I will share and see what you guys think. My ex was very good looking--i hate admitting it but it is true. she dresses rather conservatively but stylishly. did not need makeup and rarely wore it (i think when she wore makeup it was when she was nervous). got attention and compliments all the time. i would actually have to convince her to wear dresses sometimes that showed off her body some as she was always anxious about it. but in plain jeans and a t shirt any guy or gal would could still tell she was extremely attractive.

so, my first theory is this -- yes pwBPD tend to be more attractive relatively speaking; perhaps more so for women with BPD in straight relationships with men. and, you probably won't like this, but i think this dynamic is common because it's easier to control people who aren't as physically attractive as you are. while not universally true let's think about how we see the role of physical attraction seems to be more important to straight men than women when selecting a partner. so if you are a really attractive BPD woman, and how a guy looks isn't super important to you, then the situation where you can get a guy infatuated with you quickly and control him is easy if in general you are out of his league in the looks department. so, i'm not saying here that a pwBPD is more attractive than the general public, but that it's possible that they get in r/s with people that aren't as good looking as them, relatively. so the "non" sees them as the most gorgeous thing ever, because in reality they don't get men/women usually this attractive to pay attention to them.

i saw this dynamic play out by the guy my ex got into a r/s with after me. she had this guy wrapped around her finger, he was texting/calling all the time. he was whooped from the start. i felt he probably couldn't believe someone this "hot" actually loved him. when i saw him (he helped her move out), it was crazy -- i don't want to be disrespectful to my fellow men, but my ex was just way, waaaay out of his league in the looks dept. before i even met him or knew what he looked like, when she would tell me how great he was and how much better he was than me, i told her the reason she was with him was because he was so easy to control and p-whipped and that she would tire of him and throw him away when she was done using him to hurt me and soothe herself. and this all came to light in a few months.

my second theory makes me shudder to think about... . but still something that's crossed my mind. and that is that i wonder if more attractive boys/girls are more likely to be the target of sexual abuse. thus leaving many highly attractive adults with emotional issues. ... . ?

Welcome back Goldy.

My replacement is also an unattractive fellow in comparison to my exUBPDgf(she would commonly reference him as UGLY while I was with her). Why he was chosen? Easy target. He was there whole time validating her(while she was devaluing me). He knew she was with me. That didn't stop him(careful what you ask for). She most likely couldn't get anyone else to fully validate her in entire NC period(she thought I would come crawling back, I haven't). So as time passed, the unattractive replacement with his "soothing words" all of a sudden looks like a prize meal to my exUBPDgf. And presto! He saves her from me. He is way out of his league with her. The mutual friend told me that "it was pure desperation move by her". He will learn how she really is(other side), once he triggers her.

[HealingForMe]

goldylamont, I agree with both of those theories.

If you feel you are lucky to be with this beautiful woman who could have any man, she is more likely to be able to control you. My exBPDgf certainly was beautiful, a few photos of her are so like Scarlett Johansson its uncanny!

Also, as a child she was a gorgeous girl with long curly blonde hair & a baby doll face. She was serially molested by at least 2 men known to her family. I'm 100% sure this happened, not just "victim" stories to drum up sympathy. She's had vivid dreams about these events where I've woken her up from thrashing around on the bed & I've asked her about them, & she's told me in that half awake state where lying isnt possible. They've also been consistent, whereas lies never are the same.

However, there is a third theory. Perhaps due to damaged psyches, we downgrade our own looks & sell ourselves short, leaving us vulnerable to those who can instinctively pick up on this, as well as our greater empathy. So we are so grateful to be with a person whom we perceive to be out of our league. Two factors which a manipulative, hyper-perceptive pwBPD would seek out in a potential partner.

As an example, her sister (who has always hated my guts) once commented to her that "at least I have nice eyes". I may be towards the back of the line in the looks dept, but I have had enough compliments on my eyes to know they are one of my best features. When we got home she told me & asked to look at them, at which point she said "they're ok", not exactly a huge compliment . Also strange to say she loves me, yet this is the first time she's ever looked at my eyes? She's also never complimented me on anything, at all, ever. Perhaps a way to keep my self-esteem low & her control high?

[itsnotme567]

I consider my stbxuBPDw To be attractive but I have friends that would say otherwise. I tend to go along with the third theory posted by NachaLuva

[lemon flower]

She's also never complimented me on anything, at all, ever. Perhaps a way to keep my self-esteem low & her control high?

I agree, my ex didn't see how "gorgeous" I looked until we split up, now I am suddenly so very beautiful and hot  

He did give me compliments at times, but he would criticise my looks very often too.

That didn't really bother me, I know better than that but still it's not what you expect in a fresh relationship with a new love... .

he once told me had "chosen" me because I was allready older and not so attractive than his exes, just because he thought that would make me stay with him: at least he was honest with me