She was so attractive

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, I have recently been pondering why I let my ex get in my head despite the  red-flags. The main reason is because she was just so damn attractive. I have read lots of reports from others about there ex's being extremely attractive. Why (or is there) a correlation b/t BPD and very attractive people? How does this come about if BPD starts an the enfant level?

[LA4610]

So, I have recently been pondering why I let my ex get in my head despite the  red-flags. The main reason is because she was just so damn attractive. I have read lots of reports from others about there ex's being extremely attractive. Why (or is there) a correlation b/t BPD and very attractive people? How does this come about if BPD starts an the enfant level?

[Popcorn71]

My ex was by no means attractive.  In fact he was short, overweight, had no teeth, was balding and had a bright red face!  He was also much older than me.

Looks were certainly not the reason I was with him 

[Turkish]

So, I have recently been pondering why I let my ex get in my head despite the  red-flags. The main reason is because she was just so damn attractive. I have read lots of reports from others about there ex's being extremely attractive. Why (or is there) a correlation b/t BPD and very attractive people? How does this come about if BPD starts an the enfant level?

This is a recurring theme here... . mine is waifishly pretty. Looks great without makeup, and only marginally better when she wears it. I confess seeing her for the first time across a room elicited me approaching her. Despite being a pretty woman, and she certainly uses it when it suits her to reel her boy-toys in, her self-image is horrible. No matter how many times you validate it, it seems to go back to the initial rejection in intfancy. If your father rejects you, then certainly there must be something wrong with you (not sure how this dynamic plays out with borderline mothers).

This is why I always tell D22 mos "you're the cutest baby in the world that ever was, and ever will be made, forever!" and tell s4 he is the best son ever (even after I get mad at him and raise my voice). I want to make sure they know it now, so they won't go looking for that empty validation later. S4's already a girl magnet (they are both very mixed race, darn cute kids). It's going to be tough to navigate how to teach them to not derive their self-worth from their looks like their mother does in her BPD-way.

Hopefully they won't grow up with narc traits though :^)

[myself]

Eyes of the beholder.

Looking deeper, what else do you see?

What else drew you in/kept you in other than appearance?

What other needs were you looking to get met?

Was the relationship only on the surface?

What other hooks were used? Which bait worked?

[Fool for Love]

Eyes of the beholder.

Looking deeper, what else do you see?

What else drew you in/kept you in other than appearance?

What other needs were you looking to get met?

Was the relationship only on the surface?

What other hooks were used? Which bait worked?

It's there charm , openness , there fairy tail love ... . They put you on a high with the way they first pay attention to you ... .

[almosthadme]

Mine was tall,blonde,big fake boobs,flat stomach and I mean flat and a perfect behind.No wonder I let her get away with stuff.She had five cosmetic surgeries in the 2 years I was with her.They are never happy with themselves so they go the extra mile.

[LA4610]

I am a good looking guy (as are all of the men in my family) and it is something that i have struggled with ALOT over the years. It really is hard to explain, but I quickly realized her struggle was wayyyyyy different than mine. One million people could tell her one million times that she is the prettiest woman they have ever seen ( and legitly mean it) and she still would fell terrible about herself.

[bajaloverz]

Mine was tall,blonde,big fake boobs,flat stomach and I mean flat and a perfect behind.No wonder I let her get away with stuff.She had five cosmetic surgeries in the 2 years I was with her.They are never happy with themselves so they go the extra mile.

So, I have recently been pondering why I let my ex get in my head despite the  red-flags. The main reason is because she was just so damn attractive. I have read lots of reports from others about there ex's being extremely attractive. Why (or is there) a correlation b/t BPD and very attractive people? How does this come about if BPD starts an the enfant level?

Mine is drop dead gorgeous.  Everywhere we go people have to always stop and complement her on how hot she is. Her response was that it was the makeup she was wearing or deflection some other way.

She was going on and on about getting fake boobs and I even went to a plastic surgeon with her.  When I told her we couldn't afford it, since my #1 priority was buying a house she lost it. She is getting thinner and thinner, but not by eating right or exercising.  She maybe has one meal a day and can go the whole day without eating or drinking anything.

[love4meNOTu]

My ex husband is average looking. He has beautiful eyes though. He is / was very vain. He is very overweight now with a double chin and a huge belly... ugh... .

It wasn't how he looked that attracted me, it was how he treated me. In the initial stages he was wonderful, made me feel great.

That's why I overlooked the obvious issues. Emotional instability, overreactions to minor things, reading negative things into simple statements. I just thought he was very passionate.

He isn't passionate, he's disordered, paranoid and unable to look at and own his behavior. In his world, everything bad that has happened to him is somebody else's fault. When in fact, it's his.

I was thinking about the first time he called me a slut. I was watching tv in the emergency room, I drove him there because his son was ill. The son's gf was there and we wiggled our eyebrows at each other when some hunky guy in a commercial came on the t.v. My ex looked at me and said "slut" and said he didn't want to sit next to me.

This was in the emergency room. Where I had just driven him at 10 o'clock at night so we could take care of his son.

Why I didn't leave then and never come back I still struggle with to this day. I could have avoided so much pain and anguish. I guess what I'm trying to articulate is this... . he treated me very well for a very short period of time. It was not worth it.

L

[LA4610]

it seems like a common theme that BPD women are very attractive and men are usually "average". i noticed this before i started this thread and the thread seems to be showing the same thing.

[LA4610]

it makes me curious... .

[Allmessedup]

I will chime in here... . My ex gf was not outwardly exceptionally attractive when we met.  I found her beautiful anyway.    It was not her looks that drew me to her.  She has gorgeous eyes though.  When she asked to learn how to put on make up and did her hair she was pretty. 

She just never cared enough about herself to bother with those things which again didn't matter to me. 

It was how she made me feel that was so intoxicating!

[love4meNOTu]

It's because women fall in love differently than men do, LA.

I think men are very visual. Their eyes lock onto something they want (like my ex did with me) and they get it. The Casanova archetype. They pursue us, we love it, and we fall hard.

Men - and please this is just my simple opinion - love it when we love them and tell them they are wonderful. They are proud to have a woman like us on their arm and in their bed.


L

[Turkish]

it seems like a common theme that BPD women are very attractive and men are usually "average". i noticed this before i started this thread and the thread seems to be showing the same thing.

Yes, that's me. Certainly not a guy a woman would approach, for instance. She said she noticed me right away though. I have been told I am handsome by some women though. Personality goes a long way, I guess. I do have a physical, masculine prescence, and am very engaging in conversation (gee, I sound like I'm writing a personal add). We are mismatched in looks, however. Her previous bf was the guy l the girls wanted and he took advantage of it. The new guy, meh, nothing special, but he thinks he is. I'm not broken up about that aspect whatsoever. She chose me, and chose to stay with me and have kids (which everbody says are gorgeous). Maybe she thought on some level i'd be safe and not leave her like her handsome fella, who knows? Thoughts like that never crossed my mind. No matter how pretty someone is, they're the ugliest person in the world when they treat you badly. And that's what she became to me over the last year, a turn off. And she felt ugly because of that, so she found a narc. Overall, based on what she did, I find her absolutely disgusting at this point.

[whatathing]

My uBPDexgf is gorgeous too, and I´ve also noticed that it´s common for women with BPD. I thought about it, and I think there´s a raw, pure, quality about them, because of the BPD, that they seem to be able to remain in an infant spontaneous mode, a mode that keeps them looking for immediate sources of pleasure, and that involves not only being witty and energetic, it also keeps them physically sharp, fit. Like cocaine addicts that are always "on top" and with sharp senses, a kind of attitude that makes them more aware of bodily postures, more attuned. The only problem, is that they don´t do it because they´re healthy, but because they have a narrow "set of tools", emotionally speaking, so it´s more out of illness than out of choice or mature development. Anyway, it makes them look good.

It may have to do also with the power they get out of looking good. Deep down, they know that´s how they can manipulate and keep someone interested, so they may protect that asset of theirs for power motives.

Also, when there are strong NPD traits, that makes them very picky, demanding, which makes them more attentive to their looks. Or maybe it´s just because of the high sensitivity which many have.

Anyway, I believe what you´re saying is true with many of them, and I believe it´s not a coincidence, it´s related to the very same complex emotional pattern that keeps them restless and empty inside.

[HealingForMe]

Interesting topic, my BPBexgf is naturally very classically beautiful too, plus she knows how to milk it... . tilt of the head, curling her smile up at the corners of her mouth, pouting her lips. Then there's all the subtle things BPDs do to draw us in

[Madison66]

I'm not buying the thought that BPD's are more attractive than non's.  I can only say that my uBPD/NPD ex gf was attractive to me in her own way.  I was certainly in to her and the physical chemistry was strong.  I now just started seeing an emotionally healthy woman who I'm very attracted to.  Beautiful on the outside and I'm seeing a lot of beauty on the inside so far.  Uniquely her own person with what appears to be little to no chaos in her life.  And, surprise, surprise!  We've discovered a great deal of chemistry between us.  I'm even surprised because I feared that I couldn't find the kind of chemistry I felt before.  Well, it's out there and without the craziness and BS!

[Turkish]

I'm not buying the thought that BPD's are more attractive than non's.  I can only say that my uBPD/NPD ex gf was attractive to me in her own way.  I was certainly in to her and the physical chemistry was strong.  I now just started seeing an emotionally healthy woman who I'm very attracted to.  Beautiful on the outside and I'm seeing a lot of beauty on the inside so far.  Uniquely her own person with what appears to be little to no chaos in her life.  And, surprise, surprise!  We've discovered a great deal of chemistry between us.  I'm even surprised because I feared that I couldn't find the kind of chemistry I felt before.  Well, it's out there and without the craziness and BS!

Good for you Madison! Put a smile on my face :^)

[love2give]

My exBPDgf turned heads everywhere we went.  She was very into working out and taking care of herself.  She was a 41 year old with a body of a 20 year old and she knew it.  Yet she would fix her hair and look in the mirror every 5 minutes constantly, constantly putting on lip gloss and loved me taking pictures of her but ALWAYS had to zoom in on herself and inspect before I could keep the pic.  If she didn't like it, she deleted it and I had no say in the matter.

I was always very proud to be holding her hand and walking beside her.  Going on two month break up I am starting to realize just how much she scarred me emotionally.  Im doing better but still often just break out crying at the thought that this "dream woman" of mine who told me she loved me more than anyone and was going to be with me forever all of a sudden erased me from her life completely and could care less about me or my two children.   Still shell shocked on what was real and what wasn't of our year and half relationship.

When we had moved in together and within two months she was moving out I had made a comment to her that says it all and I had no clue what BPD even was back then.  I told her "you look in the mirror very often but you are beautiful on the outside, it's your inside that you have to work on".  She didn't like that.  She moved out on a Sunday and we were dating again by the Thursday.

I miss her but I know Im better off this was.

[node4]

I do not believe looks has anything to do with it. I felt something with her, simply being in the room, that I have never felt before... It exceeded any memory that I am aware from my childhood.

Anyone near us felt the power of the two of us. We didn’t have to speak to each other for hours at a time, simply being in the same room was enough.


I have been thinking about this for about a day or so. Before reading this post. So I know my ex-wife, was a borderline... . connection was nothing over the top, second major emotional movement with a woman, was a friend of mine very attractive, classic borderline in every sense was not aware of it at the time, and then comes my ex gf NC for almost 4 months.

When I met her there was something happening in the world... . a bond was formed in a matter of hours, within a few days, we were hooked. I have never been so attracted to a person in my life. I have never longed for anyone, or anything in my life.

I have never felt so much pain from the loss of anything in my life. I was willing to serve her. I was willing at one point to do whatever she wanted me to. If I had a million dollars I would have bought her the world. I have been with more women in my life than I would like to say out loud, she stopped me in my tracks. It was her.

She was “hotter” when we first met, but even after putting on lots of weight, it had no effect on how I felt about her.

I am out of the fog, and I have accepted everything for what it is... that being said, I am starting to believe that there is more to this than simply having BPD, or being co dependent. I am not projecting meaning, because of all of the pain, and investment in this failed relationship, but out of three BPD women there was one that moved me more than anything in this life ever has. I will never let her know that. But there was something there. I know that I will never really get over this relationship, and I have a scar on my heart, and frankly my soul that will always be there. I have never known something to be so true in my life. The thing that bothers me the most about the experience is that time has stood still. I can be in the relationship pain in a moments notice as if it was yesterday. I feel the time, between her and I but the emotions I feel are timeless.

In my 39 years, I have never experienced anything like her. That being said, I objectively entertain the idea of what would happen if we were able to “tune” the dysfunctional parts of both disorders, and still maintain the overall intensity, can you imagine the power of that relationship. However that would be like trying to control the power of the sun.

I remember before dating her, no one came close to my attraction to her, and I have been dating since, and again no one comes close.

I have never had feelings that came close to “our” experience. I am sad that the experience itself has to be based on dysfunction.

Whats my final point, if you date 3 borderlines, what makes one of them out of the three like crack cocaine…... That to me is beyond the disorder, and that is something that I do not see covered on this site. Why out of 3, do you sync / bond more than the others? The funniest thing I have learned since being out of the FOG, is her an I didn’t have anything at all in common, she liked things that I could never get into, but simply being near each other was enough. We would rush from wherever we were to get back to each other.

[GreenMango]

So, I have recently been pondering why I let my ex get in my head despite the  red-flags. The main reason is because she was just so damn attractive. I have read lots of reports from others about there ex's being extremely attractive. Why (or is there) a correlation b/t BPD and very attractive people? How does this come about?

There is no clinical correlation of activeness and BPD.  This really boils down to personal preference and what characteristics a person values over other characteristics.   It's not to say attraction doesn't play into picking mates.  It might be more of an issue of how much you value a pretty face over say something like emotional stability.  

Are there good looking people with BPD? Sure.  Are there average looking folks with BPD? Yep.

Since there seems to be confusion on the clinical parts of the disorder.  The common characteristics are listed here:

Getting back to the subject in the title "What is BPD?" -- personality disorders, per se', are lifelong afflictions -- anyone can act "borderline" in a particular situation. To be a PD, symptoms must have been present for an extended period of time, be inflexible and pervasive, and not a result of alcohol or drugs or another psychiatric disorder -- the history of symptoms should be traceable back to adolescence or at least early adulthood -- the symptoms have caused and continue to cause significant distress or negative consequences in different aspects of the person's life. Symptoms are seen in at least two of the following areas: thoughts (ways of looking at the world, thinking about self or others, and interacting), emotions (appropriateness, intensity, and range of emotional functioning), interpersonal functioning (relationships and interpersonal skills), or impulse control.

"Present for an extended period of time" doesn't mean constantly and obviously present.  Many people with this disorder, especially as they get older, learn to adapt and control or isolate the worst of the disordered actions except when stress pushes them past their ability to control and manage.  This is why the disorder is more visible to the family and close friends. "Present for an extended period of time" means that there have been indications of the disorder at   different times dating all the way back to the teen years.

 

BPD clinical criteria is:

  BPD is manifested by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1.Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

2.A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation. This is called "splitting."

3.Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4.Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in (5).

5.Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior.

6.Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7.Chronic feelings of emptiness.

8.Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights).

9.Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms.

The manifestation of the disorder can "present" differently from person to person.  Some people may fall back on drugs to soothe, some may cut, some may engage in reckless sex... . While others don't.   Some may be angry and have episodes of anger and it's overt hostility and fighting while others passive aggressively leak out anger frequently.  

Each person with BPD, or BPD traits, is going to be unique in how they cope with the disorder.

[Inside]

I think we’re genetically programmed to gravitate toward a mate that both turns us on and convinces us they will be true.  And when someone comes on with the intensity of a BP -- we seem to lock-in fast, in every way.

Mine’s defiantly cute, but – ten years younger than me, with an MO of targeting older men, is she really that much better looking than women her own age?  If so, not much.  She couldn’t stand competition and went through women friends her age very quickly.  

I’d captured her beauty on film at my place once, beautiful backdrop & lighting with close-up shots.  When I gave her a set of prints all she could do was point out her perceived flaws!  She defiantly keys on imperfections …which after our ‘honeymoon’ phase ended, began focusing on me…

[bajaloverz]

My exBPDgf turned heads everywhere we went.  She was very into working out and taking care of herself.  She was a 41 year old with a body of a 20 year old and she knew it.  Yet she would fix her hair and look in the mirror every 5 minutes constantly, constantly putting on lip gloss and loved me taking pictures of her but ALWAYS had to zoom in on herself and inspect before I could keep the pic.  If she didn't like it, she deleted it and I had no say in the matter.

I was always very proud to be holding her hand and walking beside her.  Going on two month break up I am starting to realize just how much she scarred me emotionally.  Im doing better but still often just break out crying at the thought that this "dream woman" of mine who told me she loved me more than anyone and was going to be with me forever all of a sudden erased me from her life completely and could care less about me or my two children.   Still shell shocked on what was real and what wasn't of our year and half relationship.

When we had moved in together and within two months she was moving out I had made a comment to her that says it all and I had no clue what BPD even was back then.  I told her "you look in the mirror very often but you are beautiful on the outside, it's your inside that you have to work on".  She didn't like that.  She moved out on a Sunday and we were dating again by the Thursday.

I miss her but I know Im better off this was.

Damn I stopped at lip gloss. Hundred of times a day.

[lemon flower]

I wouldn't say my ex was a model but he is definitely attractive to women, it's difficult to explain why; to me it's his smile, his body, his smell, and a hard-to-describe mix of being both very masculine and very fragile at the same time 

I've never met a guy before him to whom I felt such a physical attraction and I still struggle with it everytime I meet him... .

[Clearmind]

I felt good having my ex on my arm. I felt like Cinderella at the ball - I had a very low opinion of my own looks so having a BF that was attractive was heaven. I felt attractive for once. I mirrored.

Now that I have been out of the relationship for almost 3 years I have my self worth back -- my ex is not all attractive to me - he is simply not at all compatible with what I want in a man.

[lost tree]

My uBPD ex girlfriend is DROP DEAD GORGEOUS. We also had so much in common from likes/dislikes, health, family values etc…Only difference was she treated me like $hit 75% of the time so I was forced to leave her.

[GreenMango]

Lost tree are you sure you had the same values? 

Looking at family values and her behavior towards you?

[Turkish]

Lost tree are you sure you had the same values? 

Looking at family values and her behavior towards you?

Mine had/has similar values with regard to family, but I feel hers are more from cultural pressure. When she's good, she's good, but I saw her mistreat her family now and then, too, even her mother, whom she is closest to. After 4 years with children, those values broke down, and she's trying to regain her "lost childhood." Her mom saw it break down first. I thought it was a phase, but its the illness deep down. In the end, the mirror shattered. She stl tries to be a good mom when she's with the kids (she just texted me pics of them at a park... . looking fir my approval?). But someone who chose to destroy our family so she would only have to be a mom 1/2 time and a teenager the other half is definitely someone whose values are diametrically opposed to mine (add lying in the end, a new aspect I hadn't seen).

[day2day]

Maybe a lot of the less attractive BPDs are so socially unsuccessful they don't make it very far into the life of continuing drama we write about and read about here.

My BPDexgf was pretty. Not beautiful, but pretty. But there was some kind of special allure about her that registered with me instantly.

We often hear the BPD described as emotionally immature and childlike in a number of ways. Maybe subconsciously there is something about that childlike quality that penetrates us... . we feel as though there is a refreshing, enthusiastic, accessible uniqueness about them. They seem so non-threatening! They're the canvas we've wanted to paint on all our lives.

That smile. Those eyes. What a pair of lethal weapons! The two things I will always remember from Day One. Mix in generous amounts of idealization and mirroring and let the games begin!

[lost tree]

Lost tree are you sure you had the same values? 

Looking at family values and her behavior towards you?

Hi Green Mango,

Well…I'm pretty sure. At least when she was on her good behavior it seemed we shared the same values. And like Turkish said, I too saw my girlfriend mistreat her mother whom she is very close to on several occasions. I don't know what to make of it all in the end, it has certainly crushed me that... . 1. I was pushed hard enough to send her a break up letter, 2. That I have heard NOTHING from her or her parents, 3. It would appear that our breakup has caused her NO heartbreak what so ever…she is still posting on Twitter etc…like nothing happened.

Sad.