doing my best to detach but still feeling vulnerable

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi

Just progressed from the new member to this board

Hope thats a good sign for me

Ive been trying to maintain a sense of myself for the last three years in the relationship.

Even encouraged to do so by my ex the whole time

He was very insightful and aware of all of the things i read on these boards and elsewhere

He had all of the books and the lingo and his profession and education gave him the skills

So altho i had one person "teaching" me about all of these things and warning me not to go there in our relationship, I had the other side of him doing all of the things that BPD's do !

It was a complete mind screw !

I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all.

He lied from the first day I met him about his age, the fact that he was reprimanded from his work and not working because of a boundary issue in his work with another woman and her daughter.

He told me that i could trust him and he only focused on one person at a time and then i found out he was dating someone at the same time... . He rushed me off to a counselor with him and promised to work things out and then i caught him over and over on dating sites.

He informed me of his need for attention from other women due to his mother wounds. I tried to have compassion and be understanding.  He was going for counseling too.

I was called so many horrible names and abandoned after the apologies ... . strange.

Then i was the good woman... .

He wanted me to have courage and work things through.  He said we should choose LOVE not FEAR.

I kept buying the story.  I kept staying in.  I was suffering and punishing myself for not being able to just "BE" with him and relax like he kept saying i needed to.  Of course i told him about all of my wounds... he used them against me and used them as excuses for his behavior.

He trashed all of the people around me and told me that I was naive in not seeing they were all narcs and said he couldnt believe how strong i was to have so many of them in my life.

I was told I was a rare woman that he trusted more than any other... . loved more than any other... . blah blah blah... . and when i questioned him about this because it didnt feel right to me he told me that I just didnt trust men and couldn't accept his love.  much like his mother he said.

So after the numerous goodbyes from him and coming back in the usual pattern of little hearts or kisses and hugs and the gradual warm ups that progressed to coming back... . this time i stopped.

I did the no contact thing before and yes it was horrible for me because i wanted him to come back but he eventually showed up at my door and I went back  and now in my no contact attempt this time after a month it still feels horrible.  Especially since he has stopped contacting me for over a week but I know this is good  It has to be over and the healthy part of me knows it has to be.  But the confused , sad, lonely ,desperate, hurt, rejected part wants him back. The way he ended it this time was soo cruel... . I thought he must have been drunk again but Im tired of that excuse too.

I realize that i have to work on my core abandonment wounds.  They are bigger than I thought.

He triggered them all, over and over and over again. 

So here i am, taking the step to this board now, reading others stories, knowing now who i was dealing with.

The confusion was awful... . and even though i have more clarity , it still feels awful but at least its only me i have to deal with now.

I behaved like a freak in all of it too.  I hated myself for it.  I would fragment whenever he did the withdrawal thing... . i never felt settled, always anxious... always suspicious waiting for the next betrayal and punishing myself when my suspicions weren't even valid... . ugh.

Focusing on me now instead of years of focusing on what the heck was going on with him that i could not figure out.

Listening to some meditation CDs

taking flower essences for grief, rumination , etc

going to my therapist every week

reading

working

crying

trying to just b ok with my pain and not punishing myself for it anymore.

Accepting what is NOW the best I can

[corraline]

Hi

Just progressed from the new member to this board

Hope thats a good sign for me

Ive been trying to maintain a sense of myself for the last three years in the relationship.

Even encouraged to do so by my ex the whole time

He was very insightful and aware of all of the things i read on these boards and elsewhere

He had all of the books and the lingo and his profession and education gave him the skills

So altho i had one person "teaching" me about all of these things and warning me not to go there in our relationship, I had the other side of him doing all of the things that BPD's do !

It was a complete mind screw !

I just couldn't wrap my mind around it all.

He lied from the first day I met him about his age, the fact that he was reprimanded from his work and not working because of a boundary issue in his work with another woman and her daughter.

He told me that i could trust him and he only focused on one person at a time and then i found out he was dating someone at the same time... . He rushed me off to a counselor with him and promised to work things out and then i caught him over and over on dating sites.

He informed me of his need for attention from other women due to his mother wounds. I tried to have compassion and be understanding.  He was going for counseling too.

I was called so many horrible names and abandoned after the apologies ... . strange.

Then i was the good woman... .

He wanted me to have courage and work things through.  He said we should choose LOVE not FEAR.

I kept buying the story.  I kept staying in.  I was suffering and punishing myself for not being able to just "BE" with him and relax like he kept saying i needed to.  Of course i told him about all of my wounds... he used them against me and used them as excuses for his behavior.

He trashed all of the people around me and told me that I was naive in not seeing they were all narcs and said he couldnt believe how strong i was to have so many of them in my life.

I was told I was a rare woman that he trusted more than any other... . loved more than any other... . blah blah blah... . and when i questioned him about this because it didnt feel right to me he told me that I just didnt trust men and couldn't accept his love.  much like his mother he said.

So after the numerous goodbyes from him and coming back in the usual pattern of little hearts or kisses and hugs and the gradual warm ups that progressed to coming back... . this time i stopped.

I did the no contact thing before and yes it was horrible for me because i wanted him to come back but he eventually showed up at my door and I went back  and now in my no contact attempt this time after a month it still feels horrible.  Especially since he has stopped contacting me for over a week but I know this is good  It has to be over and the healthy part of me knows it has to be.  But the confused , sad, lonely ,desperate, hurt, rejected part wants him back. The way he ended it this time was soo cruel... . I thought he must have been drunk again but Im tired of that excuse too.

I realize that i have to work on my core abandonment wounds.  They are bigger than I thought.

He triggered them all, over and over and over again. 

So here i am, taking the step to this board now, reading others stories, knowing now who i was dealing with.

The confusion was awful... . and even though i have more clarity , it still feels awful but at least its only me i have to deal with now.

I behaved like a freak in all of it too.  I hated myself for it.  I would fragment whenever he did the withdrawal thing... . i never felt settled, always anxious... always suspicious waiting for the next betrayal and punishing myself when my suspicions weren't even valid... . ugh.

Focusing on me now instead of years of focusing on what the heck was going on with him that i could not figure out.

Listening to some meditation CDs

taking flower essences for grief, rumination , etc

going to my therapist every week

reading

working

crying

trying to just b ok with my pain and not punishing myself for it anymore.

Accepting what is NOW the best I can

[Surnia]

A big hug to you, Corraline, grieving is hard. 

I think you are on the right track here:

Focusing on me now instead of years of focusing on what the heck was going on with him that i could not figure out.

Listening to some meditation CDs

taking flower essences for grief, rumination , etc

going to my therapist every week

reading

working

crying

trying to just b ok with my pain and not punishing myself for it anymore.

Accepting what is NOW the best I can

Keep going, steady and gentle with yourself.

and we are here for you.

[biglearningcurve]

Hi and welcome.

I feel your pain as I could have written your post and I am also doing all the healing things I can, including going to AA after relapsing when he left my life to live with a women who came from the other side of the world to be with him.

I am slowly starting to heal and you will also.

I have no contact with him now and long may that last.

All the best .

[corraline]

Im sorry you have relapsed

Ive been going to al anon myself since i discovered my partner was an alcoholic

Ive been to ACOA in the past so i have some understanding.

It feels good to know we are not alone

I have a woman at al anon who is very supportive too.

Thank goodness for each other.