Recycling and No contact...

[JS0811]

Hi,

  So i know everyones case is different. But i am wondering do people with BPD who break things off (after a pattern of make up/break ups) usually give their ex partners the silent treatment? My ex has not been communicating with me at all, with the exception of discussing our dog that we share. The other times we have broken up he has slowly came around to contacting me and hanging out. It has been one week now, and I am feeling very heartbroken that he appears to have just forgotten about me.

    Is this normal behavior to just go from seeing someone everyday, telling them their your best friend... to no contact?

   Any response is appreciated!

[mitchell16]

sorry, I know how you feel, been there many times. I can say what is normal becasue what I found with BPD nothing is normal. But usually duringour many break ups and mine was giving me the silent treatment it was becuase she had something else keeping her busy. I never knew for sure if another man was ever involved but i do suspect it. BUt what would happen is she used our break up as a way to get attention from her friends and use me as the scapegoat. this would last for about 3 to 4 weeks and then she would start reaching out for me. she would play the poor piteful me routine and of course she was then the center of attention. All her friends would rush to her and spend time with her because she was "depressed" when she came calling back on me it was becuase they had gone back to their normal lives. They cant spend the rest of their lives making her the center of attention.

[heartandwhole]

Hi JSO811,

I'm sorry you are feeling heartbroken. It really hurts to wait and pine for someone we love. I can definitely understand that, I was heartbroken, too, when pwBPD went silent during and after our relationship. 

Since there is no one description that fits all people with BPD, no once can say if it's usual or not.  I can say that my situation was similar, and at first I was hurt that he didn't try to contact me.  Later, I was so grateful, because it was what I needed to detach and heal.

Do you want to rekindle the relationship, JSO811?   

[JS0811]

heartandwhole:

  Yes I would like to rekindle the relationship. He really is my best friend, I would say despite the BPD mood swings, we still have had many great memories and it is very hard for me to imagine him not in my life. That is part of the reason I am here on this site, I want to learn as much as I can ( better ways to communicate,setting boundaries etc.) so we can have a better relationship... even if its just  a friendship.

[chelishere42005]

I can't speak for normal either and I am newly back at this site.  I joined a little over a year ago. My BPDfiance  and I lived in different cities, she was supposed to be moving in a few months to join me.  I had left her house after new years to her telling me how much she loved me and when could I come see her next.  I drove to my house and the next day she decided to break up with me over the phone.  I was at a complete loss, but we did talk on the phone and text during the next few weeks.  I offered to be her friend while she tried to sort her feeligns.  She and I had completed pysch paperwork about her back in December and we were awaiting the results.  They came back in February of last year confirming that she was BPD and bipolar.  Even though we were looking at each other as friends, we talked and texted daily, but we had the physical buffer of being in different cities. 

We started going to counseling together in March and then decided to give the relationship a full blown committmemnt and she (and her kids) moved in with me in May.  Almost immediately it triggered her feelings of overwhelming depression and suicidal thoughts.  She has been different than some pwBPD that I've read about on here because she is often able to talk about all the things she feels and thinks to me, sometimes I wish I hadn't heard, but it's like she is just honest about it all and I thought that me being the listener was helping.  Because of the move to a different state, we didn't go to couple counseling anymore, she had to get a new primary doctor and completely differnt mental health care.  I was all upbeat thinking things were good but she was struggling on a daily basis.

So I went out of town on a business trip 4 weeks ago and when I got home 3 days later, she and her kids had moved out.  No indication they were going to dot that, no contact other than she has emailed things that don't even make sense to me, but the last email was two weeks ago.  So, shocking, yes, even after having known about her condition it was still a shock to me.

So I guess my point is, don't take anything for granted, learn as much as you can and keep  learning and taking care of yourself whether or not you hear from your SO.  That's what I am trying to do and the pain is very real and I feel blindedsided, but I truly know for all the pain I feel, she feels pain too.  She would just sit and cry and feel so crazy in her own head, so I know that if she is not contacting me, it's not that she has forgotten, she may be ashamed and she may be trying to keep herself busy with other things, but deep inside she is hurting.  So,they may have a condition that causes them to treat people crappy, but to see what they go through, I wouldn't want to trade with her for anything.

I wish your heart peace.

[barbwire911]

Yep mine has done the same thing regarding silent treatment as yours JS0811.  It is always so up and down and I never know what is coming from him.  It is hard and painful but I am in NC right now and emailed him never to contact me again, etc as I cannot take his swings.  I know he had a replacement lined up though for me so likely that is why he is so silent as he is occupied.

he has always returned however as none of the replacements seem to last.  But I am sticking to NC and reading and learning and attending my therapy as the highs and lows of myexwBPD are too much to handle.  And he has NARC traits also so to him he is never at fault for anything ever and thinks he is the picture of perfection. 

But yes, silent treatment usually means they are preoccupied with someone else, or they are using it as a means to punish and control you for some real or imagined thing they think you did to them that was bad.  That has been my experience anyways.

[nownotsure]

But yes, silent treatment usually means they are preoccupied with someone else, or they are using it as a means to punish and control you for some real or imagined thing they think you did to them that was bad.  That has been my experience anyways.

I agree, and the stories on this board tend to back what barbwire911 is saying.

My ex uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment. Even though I'm all too aware of this, it's still hard to deal with the feeling of being discarded. However, I've come to realize that my ex unintentionally gave me the chance to emotionally detach and do some serious introspection. If we had stayed in contact, I wouldn't have been able to move on as easily.

Regardless of your ex's intentions, in a few months you may look back and see his silent treatment as a blessing in disguise. I'd consider it a gift.