Day 12 after bk-up

[Samsara121]

I received a reply to my bk-up message, a very kind and respectful one, saying she's happy that I'm ok with this too. I feel relieved that I did not trigger her anger. Her deep compassion has always surprised me, she would try hard to keep me away from her turmoils. Is that common?  Anybody here had an experience with a compassionate pwBPD?

I've been focusing on me those last days, feeling how much my mind is totally in tune with the leaving and how much my heart is still sensitive about it. I guess I'm lucky so far with how it evolves from her side.

I've abandoned my idea of giving her some links about BPD blogs, because I felt it was more to feel good about myself and rather unnecessary. She would always ask why she was feeling so empty, clingy, needed the distance, I was never able to give her an answer beside telling her to perhaps find out through therapy, so I guess I said what I needed to say.

My bottom line now is that I know that I'm attracted to strong emotions due to my FOO, but not to the extent of engaging into risky behaviors, like my exuBPD would go for. I like healthy strong emotions, like with music, traveling into unknown places and Arts for instance.

This short story teaches me about compassion, for her and for myself, for dealing with such an "intimate" burden.

I'm still worried about her return in town. I feel it's gonna be difficult for me to stay NC. I know that I do not want to initiate any contact, but I would feel more in tune with myself by going LC if she contacts me.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Samsara,

I'm glad you received a respectful reply to your message, that is worth a lot in these situations.  Yes, I have experienced that, too, with pwBPD.  He was always respectful, and tried to understand my point of view, when he was in a balanced state.

I think it's really natural to be a little nervous about her coming into town.  You say that LC would be more in tune with who you are, so I think that is a good route to take.  I'd only caution that who you are right at this moment, might not be the detached "you," if you know what I mean.  A part of you might be bargaining, but only you know.

Keep up the great work.  We're here for you. 

[guitargrl]

I know my ex could portray himself as the most kind caring person at times….it would always make me think "maybe he can get it together this time" then he would go nuts again and it would be so confusing. That swing from one extreme to the next I think is what kept me hanging on so long.  I knew he had the ability to be the sweetest person on earth for moments and then the most evil creature ever at other moments…. I would always hope that loving kind person would come back.  Now I hope never to see either side of his personality again!

[Samsara121]

Thank you heart&whole   for putting me back to my fundamentals with the bargaining step and also for sharing your experience. "When he was in a balanced state" hit home. I understand that I need to be sure about myself before taking any decision like LC, because it feels like playing with fire, I surely do not feel strong at the moment.

I'm working hard on the detachment process, I just started the John Bradshaw book about the Inner Child, it helps me a lot. I'm willing to do everything I can to come out stronger of this r/s.

Thank you guitargrl, at times I share the same hope of seeing that caring side again, but when I face the facts it was hardly there, like a gem in a landmine. Let's hope they'll learn how to take care of their own suffering part with their own kind part.

Again, I could not express enough my gratitude for listening to me and sharing your thoughts