Updates from the RTC

[ProfDaddy]

I feel like a war correspondent reporting from the front lines during a morning break in the action.  Lots going on, don't know where to start with updates. 

• S9 is now 7 months into the program at an RTC.  I am writing from there this morning.  He progressed through the "settling in" phase of treatment -- months of acting out hoping to be rotten enough to get sent home.  He is now in the "working through" phase of treatment -- which looks like months of acting out over intense emotions, feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear of rejection /abandonment.  The third phase is "transitioning" or something like that -- hopefully that's months of NOT acting out while practicing healthy reactions to those same emotions.



• Met with the head clinical psychologist at the RTC yesterday over their testing and diagnosis.  S9 has been given many diagnoses, mood disorder NOS; autistic tendencies, OCD, ADHD, depression.  She ruled all of them out, convincingly, using history and test data.  We're now left with a "borderline level of psychological functioning" which is "NOT BPD, but precursors they hope to change" and a secondary diagnosis of anxiety.  S9 is plagued with a very poor self concept, feels inadequate, terrified of abandonment, cannot tolerate ambiguity, has splitting/ black & white thinking, and flips between being overly attached and attacking people he feels close to.  Anyhow, the diagnosis is not a surprise -- knew it was coming for years.  It is still crushing to know the little guy will suffer the rest of his life with these persistent problems.



• D12 at home is doing better overall, but has plateaued over the last month.  She lives with me and my fiancee -- we sold both our houses and made a fresh start last May.  D12 is recovering from being overshadowed by S9.  She tried to remain child-like, because her brother stole her childhood.  We have been working on responsibility, maturity, open communication about feelings.  These are hard changes for her to make just at the time in development when teens try to individuate from their parents.  She is torn between identifying with her narcissistic BPD mother and my usually calm, emotionally present, and responsible fiancee.  Her birth mother provides her with few limits, fun, and escape EOW.  My fiancee does much of the parenting heavy lifting and is emotionally there for my daughter. 



• Last on the list is one of the more important issues; my fiancee jumped in with both feet, trying very hard to be a good step-mother to the children.  She is burnt out and needs some time and distance.  Hard to do in an intense and sometimes dysfunctional family dynamic like mine.  There's a book out "stepmonster... . " that describes exactly what she is feeling.  If the new family is going to work and provide love, support, and a feeling of belonging to everyone there's lots of work all four of us need to do.  Fiancee doesn't know whether to double down or run, the past year has been difficult. 



• Ok, last on the list (as usual... . that's a bad sign) is how I am doing.  Mostly well, I am fortunate to have the support that I need and people who love me.  However, I am also overwhelmed by always being the safe and stable person for everyone in my life.  The one thing I need most is for another person in my life to be the safe and stable person for a day or two so that I can take a breath.

Time is up -- the morning truce is over.   Back to the front lines.  I will write again during the next break in the action here.  Keep the home fires burning and buy war bonds.[/list]

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[co.jo]

Dear Profdaddy,

At first I thought wow 9 years old and you are already thinking about BPD? But then I thought I bet everyone here wishes they could go back in time and change what they did when they didn't know what the problem was. So, in a way, you are lucky to be ahead of things, and hopefully this will make a difference for your son in the end.

We are also a blended family with bio, step, adopted and foster children. What worked in the early days when my kids were 3,6,,8 and 10, with the BPDD being the 10 year old, and my steps were 10 and 14, was we tried to have as little to do with disciplining each other's kids. That avoided a lot of loyalty conflicts. Don't know if that is applicable to your situation or not, but it really helped us after a few disastrous mistakes in the beginning.

Now it sounds like you both really need a break-and I am sure you have already thought about this. But I am not clear why this can't happen? We try and have relief every month, we are expected to take one weekend a month from fostering, and were given money to pay someone to have our adopted and challenging son every month as well.

Our older children are adults now, so we get some time alone in our home and for each other. This is crucial, especially if your relationship is not that old.Can your daughter go to her Mom's? If you can set up a regular routine where you know you can look forward to time off, it makes things a lot more bearable.And can you make sure some kind of respite is built in to your transition plan for your son? Also sounds like your fiance could use a spa weekend. I know from experience that having challenging children can be very isolating. What absolutely saved me was having a friend with challenging children who I could call at any time. If you don't have that already, keep your eyes open for someone, chances are they are needing the same thing. I found it impossible to explain to anyone who didn't live with something similar how things were for us.

They do grow up, and I hope your commitment as a couple will see you through to the years when the children are grown, and there is not the same need for intensive parenting. Good luck!

[jellibeans]

Dear profdaddy

Welcome back to the front lines... . I have thought of you a few times and wondered how it was going with your ds and family. Thank you for the update. I think you should try thinking back to a year ago and try to remember how terible things were for you all... . I remember there was problems with your fiance and she was not sure she wanted to go forward with moving in together and buying one home... . Also remamber how out of control your son was and how unhappy your d was too... . things really have come along way so try to see the progress you all have made. These are all positive steps forward so be hopeful.

As far as your fiance and yourself... . I think you both need time to yourself and need to take the time to either go away together to recoop or at least one at a time... . you can't ignore your needs. Please continue to post here too... . I really found this such a relief just to put down in words what was going on in my world... . so don't be a stranger here... .

You say you are tired of being the one that has to hold everything together... . can you explain that a bit more? I know I tend to be the fixer in my family... . this is a hard habit to break... . but I don't have to be the one that fixes everything... . are you needing more support from fiance?

[ProfDaddy]

You say you are tired of being the one that has to hold everything together... . can you explain that a bit more? I know I tend to be the fixer in my family... . this is a hard habit to break... . but I don't have to be the one that fixes everything... . are you needing more support from fiance?

I don't need more support from my fiancee, sometimes it is the opposite.  She feels like she needs to be more parental in order to have a real role in the family.  I don't think that's healthy, we have also been working with our family therapist on this one.  It would be nice if when she is in too deep and needs some time and distance, if she could just ask instead of letting it build up and then flipping out.  She's replaying some patterns from her old relationships where she would flip out, be punished, or abandoned.  That's ok once or twice, but long-term that needs to stop.  Her own therapist is working with her on this, getting at the root of her fears of family.  His response to a recent outburst was "good, it is safe for you to feel that in your new family."   

Anyhow, that's all I have time for now.  Break is over, back to the group in S9's cottage for dinner.

[ProfDaddy]

Back home and spoke to the lead therapist for S9.  I'm not feeling very hopeful, his diagnoses of dysthymia and pre-borderline symptoms aren't good news.  If he were a bit older, dysthymia would simply be psychotic rage.  Put a few years in and the pre-borderline becomes full borderline.  He has multiple violent outbursts each week, still with no specific antecedent.  He wants to hurt himself and others when in a rage.  If it weren't for abilify, the rages would be multiple times a day for over an hour each.  Nothing we have done, since age 4, has made a difference.  I'm not sure he can safely reside outside an institutional setting... . ever.  The therapist didn't contradict me, these are real possibilities.  Poor little guy, his life sucks.  I love him and I can't help him, nobody can.

[jellibeans]

Profdaddy

I am so sorry to read your update. It does not seem very optimistic and I truly feel you need to remain positive. Your s is young and I think you really have more time before coming to such a conclusion. Please be hopeful