Should I defend myself on FB

[Jb2003]

So I know my exBPD is smearing me to everyone back in her home town. I went to high school there and that is where I met her initially. So we have tons of friends in common on FB

Throughout the course of our relationship she kept it off FB siting that she likes to keep her private Buis. Private. Cool! @But the day she broke up with me she posted about her new boyfriend and how "she was in love for the first time, thought she was before but this is ridiculously better than anything she has ever experienced". She has since changed her last name to the new Bo's last name on FB publicly declaring her love for him... . Should I defend myself was I a secret on purpose... . JB

[corraline]

My suggestion is to not engage at all

I stopped checking things on social media

I got weirded out the other day when i crossed paths with a friend of his and his friends voice seemed rather guarded and harsh. But i cant go there

I know the truth of my own experience.  This guy has also been on the rollercoaster with my ex himself.  I hope he is reserving better judgment if i have been smeared... if not thats his problem.  I just dont know... its a hard one

If i had a big obvious smear campaign to deal with would i have the strength just to walk on by ?

Doubt it.

[Skip]

She has since changed her last name to the new Bo's last name on FB publicly declaring her love for him... .

You probably want to take the high road of silence here.

While taking the last name of her boyfriend my be an expression of her love, most people looking in will see it as an expression of immaturity.  If you weigh in about her prior relationship with you, that just enjoins you into this silliness.

I imagine it is really painful to see this all play out - I'd limit myself to how often I check her Facebook page - if you can, try to stop looking altogether. 

People with BPD are very impulsive thinkers and tend to see things "in the day" and that is what you are seeing.   In your day, she had similar feelings.

[Fool for Love]

Block her name on your FB . She is doing that because she knows you are checking . It is her way to still have control over your feelings . Block everything that you can , don't look at things that you can't block . If you completely disappear that will drive her insane instead of her driving you insane. Think about this way , would you do that stuff to hurt her ? If your answer is NO ... Then you are the mature adult and that should tell you her true motive . It doesn't help you to see stuff ... It just keeps you stuck in chaos .

[Jb2003]

She just put up a picture of the two of them kissing! Is this a stab at me... . Is she playing a game... . I feel the rage building inside me... . volcanic... . I want to retaliate... . Is this because I didn't reply or react to the name change? Is she really happy... . Is he playing a game? My mind is on fire... . I am hurt beyond belief and the rage is now suppressing the tears... . I want to lash out... . I am sick literally sick... . is she playing a game did I mean nothing... . or am I just neurotic... .

[Jb2003]

Is she? Not he in last post

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

She just put up a picture of the two of them kissing! Is this a stab at me... . Is she playing a game... . I feel the rage building inside me... . volcanic... . I want to retaliate... . Is this because I didn't reply or react to the name change? Is she really happy... . Is he playing a game? My mind is on fire... . I am hurt beyond belief and the rage is now suppressing the tears... . I want to lash out... . I am sick literally sick... . is she playing a game did I mean nothing... . or am I just neurotic... .

Ignore her please, shes being immature and awful and anyone else reading her posts will probably see through her too, especially if your break up was recent, shes only making herself look worse. Delete her, I need to to do the same. Just delete her. It might be really hard but I bet you will feel much better when that is gone. Or do what I did and "unfollow" or unsubscribe from their feed, so you dont see updates.

[corraline]

Try not to give her more power to hurt you

Feel your feelings but dont keep harming yourself by checking

Get off FB

My suggestion anyway

[Skip]

She just put up a picture of the two of them kissing! Is this a stab at me... . Is she playing a game... . I feel the rage building inside me... . volcanic... . I want to retaliate... . Is this because I didn't reply or react to the name change?

Most likely this has very little to do with you.

The fact that she has taken his name is sign she is putting a "full court press" on the new guy. Its over-the-top.  She is most likely looking for a reaction from him.

This is really immature stuff and it hurts to see it.

With FB we can sometimes see "private" things and that are hard to take.  Checking FB is like driving by her house late at night - not a good idea.

Don't let you curiosity get the best of you.

[Jb2003]

Skip, then what is it?   She was kissing me on Friday of last week and telling me she was "dead" inside and had no feelings left to give anyone... .

[Fool for Love]

She just put up a picture of the two of them kissing! Is this a stab at me... . Is she playing a game... . I feel the rage building inside me... . volcanic... . I want to retaliate... . Is this because I didn't reply or react to the name change? Is she really happy... . Is he playing a game? My mind is on fire... . I am hurt beyond belief and the rage is now suppressing the tears... . I want to lash out... . I am sick literally sick... . is she playing a game did I mean nothing... . or am I just neurotic... .

Ya ... She put that pic to take a stab at you ... She know it hurts you ... As far as the question "is she really happy ? " ... Think about it ... Has she ever really been happy ? She is playing off of your emotions ... So, while you are RAGING ... . She is smiling ... So who is winning this battle ? She is ... Cause you keep making yourself insane with this stuff ... I know it hurts ... I know it's painful ... My ex was doing the same thing ... It is what they do ... I don't comprehend it ... But I am also not BPD ... So ... I have a question ? Do you want her back ? If so , why ? If you don't want her back ... Just know ... Just like your relationship and her past ones , it will be the same BS ... If it isn't ... Then the other person is as messed up as her

[Stjarna]

Yes, agree with the others.  Please ignore.  Immaturity and illness at its finest, and my ex did it too.  I never retaliated or said a word, just knew that people who really knew me would not pay any attention to him, and they did not.  I blocked him so I no longer see any posts, comments, and he cannot see mine.

Here is a story for you:  Longtime friends (a couple that ex and I had known early in our marriage and hung out with until we each moved to separate states) contacted me via FB a few months ago.  I knew they were "friends" with ex and had heard and seen all of his rantings.  When they looked me up, I sent a private message saying, "Hi guys, so happy to hear from you.  I know you have been in touch with hit, and I would just like to talk to you a bit about my side of the story."  Within 30 seconds, they replied back saying, "Lhit, you do not have to say a word.  We know _____ very well."  They then sent me a 3-page e-mail applauding me for finally getting the courage to leave.

So, hold your head up high and don't engage in the chaos.  Easier said than done, I know.  Vent here.  I had a therapist and a couple of close family members to vent to.  These boards are a wealth of information and support.  Wish I had found them a year ago, but happy to be here now.

[corraline]

skip

Im just wondering what u think

My ex used to say at times that  his behavior wasnt about me

He said my narc traits (everone has them he said) made me think i percieved  it was

But other times he would blame me

I just didnt know how to stop taking things personally

[Fool for Love]

Here is my post from the other day ... Jus read and think about it ...

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=222057.0

[Dog biscuit]

Skip, then what is it?   She was kissing me on Friday of last week and telling me she was "dead" inside and had no feelings left to give anyone... .

My ex told me exact the same things, when I broke it off, he was dead inside and had nothing to give anymore. Poor guy! Well his deadness inside lasted for 2 whole days! Can you believe it? Two whole days of feeling dead inside? Poor poor 'devastated 'guy! And then he was on the roll again, like nothing ever happend and there was no r/s that had to be processed or anything like that.

It's twisted, hurtfull and illogical.

[electrichummingbird]

Hey, just wanted to say I'm going through something related but not the same; my uBPDexh is throwing up a lot of status updates mentioning me by name and not specifically writing anything outright libellous or anything but implying a lot. I already had a lot of anxiety around social networking stuff  so thankfully I'm not ever tempted to make my own updates with my side of the story; I fantasise about it for fun sometimes and that seems to help me a lot. But anyway my tactic has been to keep my head high and trust that the people in my life that are worth keeping around will see straight through his BS. Even people I don't know very well have messaged me on FB lately and sent me support and been able to see what's really going on.

Basically though, I think that defense in this case - and generally with these types of people from what I can understand - pretty much pulls one straight down to their level. And sure they're sick and can't help themselves but their behaviour is out of line and unreasonable, that's why it's called a personality disorder.

And yeah, like Skip says her behaviour is about her and not you. That whole concept has helped me enormously in healing from my awful relationship, and in mourning it - the amount of energy I put into fixing things and making things easier and better for him - nothing I could ever have done would have been enough to "make him happy" - which he thought was my job as his wife. There are some saints around here who seem to be able to navigate relationships with their PD partners really well, but I'm getting to know myself really well now thanks to therapy and healing and love and I know I'm not cut out for that type of thing! So take heart and remember (as painful as it is) that you could have said, done, been, not said, not done, and not been everything differently and she would have been no different.

Stay strong... . I'm very shy about posting here but would encourage you (and me) to post more when things are tough!

[Skip]

Skip, then what is it?   She was kissing me on Friday of last week and telling me she was "dead" inside and had no feelings left to give anyone... .

That is dating code for "I have no feelings left to give to you right now but I don't want to hurt you or complicate things by saying it because it is what it is".  People say this stuff all the time at the end of relationships.  It's easier to say it in this abstract way than to spell it out.  From what I've read, its not that you failed her, rather, she moved onto something new.  So its most likely she had guilt about doing that or she would have been more frank.  She knows it hurts, but that not her motive. Her motive is the something new.

pwBPD are really impulsive with their feelings and that is hard to comprehend.  You would think that she would be more low key on FB, but she not.  She is sending a message on FB... . a big one to the new guy.  There may be a small secondary message for you too - that she is no longer available - but that doesn't mean she is trying to hurt you - she may be trying to just trying to close the door and avoid having to explain.

Not a mature way of handling things and pretty insensitive to your feelings.

Doesn't this seem more like detachment from your feelings than an intent to hurt you and motivate you to contact her.

[restoredsight]

This is a terribly painful time for you, and it's a horrible set of circumstances, but it's not likely to be personal. This is going to be difficult for you to accept. Her attention is swung towards a new source of reward and thinking about you is the last thing she likely wants to do.

Even if you were in a position to ask her questions about why she is doing this, it would be unlikely that she could answer you because it's not planned or malicious. Feelings are everything for a borderline, and if facts don't fit the feelings, then many of them change the facts.

My wife has told me on more than one occasion that the thought of having sex with another person besides me was disgusting. She meant it. She has had sex with many other people besides me during our two breakups, and she did it happily. She meant that too.

For a great many of these poor souls, there is no past, there's just a compulsive drive towards rewards that are in sight. It's just a fantasy where the next thing will be perfect and will work out, unlike the last thing, was defective because it didn't deliver on the promise of being perfect. See how that works?

[corraline]

I saw how it worked too

In alot of areas in his life

His new home town

His new job

His new friends

The new stuff was always the best

He outgrew the old either because he felt he intimidated them because of his superioriy or one reason or another

[Turkish]

She has since changed her last name to the new Bo's last name on FB publicly declaring her love for him... .

You probably want to take the high road of silence here.

While taking the last name of her boyfriend my be an expression of her love, most people looking in will see it as an expression of immaturity.  If you weigh in about her prior relationship with you, that just enjoins you into this silliness.

This has been my way of dealing with it. I blocked her months before she moved out, due to the subtle and not so subtle jabs and devaluations aimed at me, in between posting pics of our kids. People do see it. Her family, none of whom I have blocked, are very engaged in liking and commenting on the cool things I post with regard to our children. Even before this blew up, I don't remember them being so engaged on her page. I take this as a tacit sign of support. She posts pics of her children, and pics of her and the guy, so she's come out. I get the impression that people think it's low class for her to move on so soon, but I think a lot realize this is the guy she cheated on me with. Someone even messaged me the other day asking questions. Sure, I could do jabs of my own, but what would it accomplish? The truth validates itself. For the enablers, I don't care what they think. I value myself rather than their opinions. Changing her name is idiotic and immature. Only someone equally immature would find it cute or romantic.

Block.

[Jb2003]

I guess I should have given some background as to why I feel these pictures are a poke at me... . In the early days of our r/s she took a picture of her powdered white with flowers in her hand and eyes closed in a "death" pose and sent them to her parents to see what reaction they had so... . This is why I feel like it might be a poke... . Was this weird in the beginning ? Yes but I was in love and it rolled off like many of the red flags I should have looked at but passed by like the mile markers on love's hiway... . So this is why I am wondering if they were meant to illicit some type of response... .

[blissful_camper]

Throughout the course of our relationship she kept it off FB siting that she likes to keep her private Buis. Private. Cool! @But the day she broke up with me she posted about her new boyfriend and how "she was in love for the first time, thought she was before but this is ridiculously better than anything she has ever experienced". She has since changed her last name to the new Bo's last name on FB publicly declaring her love for him... . Should I defend myself was I a secret on purpose... . JB

That is an example of people pleasing.  PwBPD seem to do whatever it takes to please the new partner during the idealization phase.  They 'give' what they anticipate the new partner wants.  I experienced something similar.  

My ex knew that I was a private person, and during our relationship he claimed he liked privacy too.  That changed with my replacement, because he wanted to please her.  He was no longer a private person because my replacement isn't a private person.  Unfortunately for him  , she TMI's on FB (everything, including their fights).  I was as shocked as you are, observing this transformation in my ex.  

What you see on FB is superficial.  Behind the scenes, as you know, it's not pretty.  When you are ready, block your ex and her new partner.  :)on't forget to set access to everything on your FB page to friends only.  

[blissful_camper]

I guess I should have given some background as to why I feel these pictures are a poke at me... . In the early days of our r/s she took a picture of her powdered white with flowers in her hand and eyes closed in a "death" pose and sent them to her parents to see what reaction they had so... . This is why I feel like it might be a poke... . Was this weird in the beginning ? Yes but I was in love and it rolled off like many of the red flags I should have looked at but passed by like the mile markers on love's hiway... . So this is why I am wondering if they were meant to illicit some type of response... .

I understand why you want to know this.  Try to redirect your focus to yourself. Do you trust her?  If the answer is 'no' can you have a relationship with someone you don't trust?  Asking yourself these questions will help you detach from her.  The less contact you have with her, the more perspective you'll gain. 

The best thing I did for myself was NC and blocking my ex and my replacement on Facebook.  Take yourself out of the dance, and let them dance alone.  What happened to you will happen to him.  Give yourself the space to move forward in your healing.  You won't regret it. 

[WhatTheFrank]

My ex put up the pics of her and the substitute no more than 3 weeks after we officially ended (it was obvious it was over long before that).  Calling him the love of her life, her new hubby... . it's bothersome but everyone but their enablers will see through it.  He's not on FB... . wonder how he would feel if he was being called the 'new hubby' this early.  I would be freaked out, personally. 

Stay strong.

[Turkish]

My ex put up the pics of her and the substitute no more than 3 weeks after we officially ended (it was obvious it was over long before that).  Calling him the love of her life, her new hubby... . it's bothersome but everyone but their enablers will see through it.  He's not on FB... . wonder how he would feel if he was being called the 'new hubby' this early.  I would be freaked out, personally. 

Stay strong.

That's assuming the replacement is healthy.  mine has the hallmarks of a  Love Addict just like her.  she was writing to him about being with him forever only a few months after starting am emotional affair with some heavy letting but probably not sex yet.  Either he's totally playing her,  our he buys into the fantasy as well. or both.