Why can't i keep my head straight?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I've often felt out of place on these forums. Not because people here aren't supportive, but because of the nature of having been with a quiet borderline. There are a ton of differences between being berated and abused and having to deal with just sweetness and then one big sudden shift in emotion and attitude. I've been in both places.

My tolerance for my first marriage wore thin over the years as I learned I could never avoid arguments. I couldn't help feeling that she hated me until I talked about leaving. When I first read the title of the book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" it was a surreal moment that condensed nearly 10 years of my life into a short phrase.

My most recent wife was, I thought, the polar opposite of my first. In our second go around, I tried my best to give her space to grow, I tried to create situations where she could do things she liked instead of serving me in her compulsive way. I had to find ways to gently let her down when she'd have these idealized fantasies about the future, so she wouldn't be dissapointed and guilty when they didn't turn out that way. I've heard that these cycles can sometimes get shorter and shorter, but somehow I managed to go from living together for 4 months, to living together for over two years. In that time, I had to ride out some distancing, I gave up on sex with her when she needed to, as she was obviously confused about her role in it. She wanted to be intimate, but compulsively wanted to be subjugated.

Once the honeymoon period wore off, she stopped acting as much, and was getting frustrated with her feelings about her role. She knew, in her head, that things weren't right in that department. She told me she felt like she needed to be punished and that she didn't want to do that anymore, but the more caring sex felt wrong to her. She's been very self aware.

Overall, for a very long time, I think we had great communication. That's why I thought it would last. I saw her grow as a person, become more responsible. Maybe that was too much. Maybe this was always doomed.

When it all came crashing down, I was honestly shocked. All of the weirdest of the behaviors (I have reread my earliest posts and I'm shocked at how many there were) had all disappeared. I just couldn't read her mind when she built resentments about sacrifices she was making that she didn't discuss with me.

So now, I sit here, and I wonder at how different a person she is now. After being wary the first full year we were together, I felt like she was in my corner every moment until she started to seriously drift. How can I wrap my head around this?

I did a stupid thing as I was starting a new blog. I was curious if she had one under her email address. She did. It was a series of posts around when we found out she was pregnant. She used to give me links to her old blogs in our first relationship, and the difference between the two periods were like night and day. When she was pregnant, she seemed so secure. There weren't these swinging posts where she was desperately unhappy, then another where she was flying high. There were no insanely idealized fantasy posts about the nature of child-rearing or life. The writing was the most normal I had ever seen out of her. Nothing but normal thoughts and planning for the baby.

I can't reconcile this. She was so stable for so long. Now, she's done things that are reprehensible. I've gone back and looked and that old formula where you are supposed to figure out how much of the relationship was really good and how much it was really bad. To be perfectly honest, mine was closer to 70% good and 15% neutral, 10% bad with 5% of pure unfiltered hell. Two major periods of devaluation, one of which was a seven month period of silence, and then the one that's most recent. Both appeared to be followed by some of the worst self-damaging behaviors that she's done.

To see her devalue me after all of this time... . I'm haunted by it. There feels like I have two distinct people in my life in the same skin. Only one comes out every few years to break things.

[restoredsight]

I've often felt out of place on these forums. Not because people here aren't supportive, but because of the nature of having been with a quiet borderline. There are a ton of differences between being berated and abused and having to deal with just sweetness and then one big sudden shift in emotion and attitude. I've been in both places.

My tolerance for my first marriage wore thin over the years as I learned I could never avoid arguments. I couldn't help feeling that she hated me until I talked about leaving. When I first read the title of the book, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" it was a surreal moment that condensed nearly 10 years of my life into a short phrase.

My most recent wife was, I thought, the polar opposite of my first. In our second go around, I tried my best to give her space to grow, I tried to create situations where she could do things she liked instead of serving me in her compulsive way. I had to find ways to gently let her down when she'd have these idealized fantasies about the future, so she wouldn't be dissapointed and guilty when they didn't turn out that way. I've heard that these cycles can sometimes get shorter and shorter, but somehow I managed to go from living together for 4 months, to living together for over two years. In that time, I had to ride out some distancing, I gave up on sex with her when she needed to, as she was obviously confused about her role in it. She wanted to be intimate, but compulsively wanted to be subjugated.

Once the honeymoon period wore off, she stopped acting as much, and was getting frustrated with her feelings about her role. She knew, in her head, that things weren't right in that department. She told me she felt like she needed to be punished and that she didn't want to do that anymore, but the more caring sex felt wrong to her. She's been very self aware.

Overall, for a very long time, I think we had great communication. That's why I thought it would last. I saw her grow as a person, become more responsible. Maybe that was too much. Maybe this was always doomed.

When it all came crashing down, I was honestly shocked. All of the weirdest of the behaviors (I have reread my earliest posts and I'm shocked at how many there were) had all disappeared. I just couldn't read her mind when she built resentments about sacrifices she was making that she didn't discuss with me.

So now, I sit here, and I wonder at how different a person she is now. After being wary the first full year we were together, I felt like she was in my corner every moment until she started to seriously drift. How can I wrap my head around this?

I did a stupid thing as I was starting a new blog. I was curious if she had one under her email address. She did. It was a series of posts around when we found out she was pregnant. She used to give me links to her old blogs in our first relationship, and the difference between the two periods were like night and day. When she was pregnant, she seemed so secure. There weren't these swinging posts where she was desperately unhappy, then another where she was flying high. There were no insanely idealized fantasy posts about the nature of child-rearing or life. The writing was the most normal I had ever seen out of her. Nothing but normal thoughts and planning for the baby.

I can't reconcile this. She was so stable for so long. Now, she's done things that are reprehensible. I've gone back and looked and that old formula where you are supposed to figure out how much of the relationship was really good and how much it was really bad. To be perfectly honest, mine was closer to 70% good and 15% neutral, 10% bad with 5% of pure unfiltered hell. Two major periods of devaluation, one of which was a seven month period of silence, and then the one that's most recent. Both appeared to be followed by some of the worst self-damaging behaviors that she's done.

To see her devalue me after all of this time... . I'm haunted by it. There feels like I have two distinct people in my life in the same skin. Only one comes out every few years to break things.

[woodsposse]

I had to reply because almost everything you wrote resonated with me because that was almost precisely the relationship I had.  Almost down to the exact words I would have picked to describe what was going on.

It is a horrible spot to be in.  I know.  I was there for a long time before coming here and getting an understanding of what I was actually dealing with. 

There is no easy answer or no one pill fix for the pain and confussion.   All I know is what has been helping me and that is being here and knowing what I was going through I am not alone.  It was devastating to my self esteem to think that what I was going through was only me and no one could understand.  I couldn't explain it to people close to me - because they either don't know about PDs or BPD, or they would chalk it up to "relationship issues"... . learn better communication sskills, and all the like.

But we know it is more than that.

I don't know, or can't tell, from your post if you all are together, separated, or where you are in all of this - just know where ever you are and whatever you want to do going forward... . you can  go forward and it can be better for you.

Again, all I can do is tell you what has been helping me - and that is/was to shift my focus on me for a while.  That was the hardest thing to do... . but in the end I know it is what needed to be done.  Im no good to anyone if I can't help me.  And that has helped.

so, know you are not alone.

[heartandwhole]

Hi chad_sketch,

I think the shock of it is so hard.  Especially after having a long period of "normalcy."  I didn't have a long relationship, the behaviors came out very quickly in my situation, but nevertheless it was very shocking to my system and I couldn't get my head around it either.

I was never raged at, either, and had good communication, too, so I know what you mean about many of the stories here being different. 

Are you in contact with your current ex?

Hang in there, things do get better.

[restoredsight]

No. There's no contact. She's finally moved in with her parents and is with our son, which is a huge relief to me.

All contact is being done through her parents, besides a single email that detailed some resentment towards me about things she felt she had to do in the relationship. Other than that, it's all silence. I tried to email her a couple of times a week ago and have had no response.

We are married. We were married about a month before the splitting happened, at her insistence.

Shock seems to cover it pretty well. She went out one night, and there was love, and she came home the next morning and there was none.

[seeking balance]

Shock seems to cover it pretty well. She went out one night, and there was love, and she came home the next morning and there was none.

It is hard to come to terms with how a person can love us one minute and want to leave us the next.  I do know this too - I came home from a business trip to a note, "welcome home I love you" and later in MC that night, "I am leaving".

Abandonment fears, engulfment fears - extreme emotions that we trigger but cannot control in another is a very hard thing to accept.

How is the relationship with your son, do you see him?

[restoredsight]

Our son is 9 months old. She and her parents spirited him away to her parent's home on Feb 16th. She spent most of that time in the city where we lived, visiting on weekends. I heard drugs were involved.

Since we shared her car, I had no money, and I was four hours away, I moved in with my brother who lives about 1.5 hours away. Her parent's thought it best if our son stayed with them rather than go along with her anywhere, which was good, but they were already on a tight budget. Her decisions have cost them some amount of money, and I suppose the party ended last week and she ran out of funds as well.

I've seen my son for two hours in the last 30 days. I was the main one caring for him for the last few months. We co-slept together since he was born. The last time I saw him he didn't even recognize me. He almost cried.

I was supposed to get a visit from them last week, but they said they couldn't because of money. I think that her coming home had an impact on that. As things stand we've arranged for them to visit me on Saturday.

I sit here sometimes and I am just in awe of what's happened. I knew I was playing with fire, but as time passed I really thought she could be counted upon. I have been astounded by the things she's done. Now I'm in a situation that feels a lot like hell.

I am building up money though, and hopefully I'll have the resources to have him with me for extended periods of time by the end of next month. I'm trying to exercise patience, but most of the time I just want to scream.

[restoredsight]

Abandonment fears, engulfment fears - extreme emotions that we trigger but cannot control in another is a very hard thing to accept.

Yeah, I intellectualize this as much as possible. I try hard to let go of the, "What if I's" about it. It would have played out like this eventually. Part of me still wants to believe she was somewhat better and she can be again.

I had a dream the other night that she left me a note.

"I've found true love. I'm going back to hit__."  Where hit_ was the person who sexually abused her between the ages of 12 and 15.

The way she acts during/after our breakups in particular seem to be the most self destructive things she has done. I realize that a great deal of our relationship has been about holding this pattern at bay. Now I think that I'm complicit in making it worse.

[seeking balance]

I've seen my son for two hours in the last 30 days. I was the main one caring for him for the last few months. We co-slept together since he was born. The last time I saw him he didn't even recognize me. He almost cried.

I urge you to speak with an attorney - most will give a free consult.  It sounds like your son's primary stable attachment was you - having you torn away from him is not good for him or you.

[restoredsight]

I've seen my son for two hours in the last 30 days. I was the main one caring for him for the last few months. We co-slept together since he was born. The last time I saw him he didn't even recognize me. He almost cried.

I urge you to speak with an attorney - most will give a free consult.  It sounds like your son's primary stable attachment was you - having you torn away from him is not good for him or you.

I'm not in a situation where I can care for him financially for at least another month, and every attorney that I spoke with when this began wanted fees for consultation. That was day one, before I got the impression that no one wants to strip me of any rights.

The original plan was that he was to stay with the three of them for a couple of weeks, and then come back. I think that they thought that she was over her habit of bouncing around and that I was the cause of this somehow. That impression didn't last long.

My wife didn't stay there, quit her job and did god knows what for most of a month, while they were stuck with my son. They are older and retired, and do not want to have to do this. It's just that my wife's actions have hurt everyone's finances when they weren't great to begin with. Her parents are working with me, but everyone has limited means.

As much as I miss him, I don't have anything for him at present. My living conditions aren't horrible, but they wouldn't be suitable either.

I don't see any choice at the moment. I know it's not good for either of us. This has been unbearable because I have so few options.