He said he was not the man I met three years ago

[corraline]

Over the last few months of our relationship my ex partner was telling me he was not the man I met three years ago

He was a "changed man"

He said I was the one who was stuck in the past

He even had literature on his fridge about people he didnt want to associate with that had distorted ideas about him

He had post it notes on his mirrors about his new life in 2014

He sent me emails about "saying no to those who hold you back etc"

He said he had  quit smoking, not using his cialis as much anymore, his new athletic pursuits, his new yoga regime blah blah

Its not like i did not want him to get well but in regards to the way he treated me it was actually worse than ever

I became devalued

I became something that got in his way of being the "changed man"

I still got the drunken disgusting sex texts, the abusive behavior, the verbal abuse and the escalating rage

He told me he was frustrated with me

I felt responsible for his deteriorating behavior with me because hey the "changed man" was doing so well otherwise

But he was still drinking, he may have quit smoking, he may not have needed his cialis anymore, he may be running, he may be attending yoga but I never got in the way of this...

I felt hurt...

I thought maybe yeah... . maybe i just cant let go of who he was and i was holding him there and limiting his progress

He said to me a month or so ago that he believed in me but i didn't believe in him

and he dumped me on text over and over again , and did the hearts and ill always love you stuff too.

i gave up and stopped this craziness but i still have this little part of me that fears that maybe i was responsible for not keeping up with his new found healthy life.

Funny thing is though he claims his ex wife couldn't keep up with the man he was becoming either and they grew apart.

Does anyone have any experience of this? or did? Or any comments?

[corraline]

the other interesting thing he said  very near to the end was

"i don't drop anyone but i know when they need to do it for themselves"

i could not figure that one out then but since finding out about BPD, im kinda gettin it now.

[Take2]

My ex always began acting differently when he was clearly talking to someone new (ie, new girl from a dating website).  He would suddenly be wearing designer jeans when for the past three years that I'd known him he always made fun of guys who wore them.  Another time he would go thru bizarre interests totally out of character for the I knew.

You didn't get in the way of anything.   The reality is that his actions had nothing to do with you.  It's a difficult concept to swallow when we've devoted so much of ourselves to them.   But it is who they are and always will be.  None of it has anything to do with us.  Let go of his words (something I have a wildly difficult time doing) because those words will change. 

[mitchell16]

I think this is very common. Mine was changing something all the time with herself. But what was amazing was it was always something else that was the problem, it was never her. So no matter what she changed, the same problems alway came back. if she had a melt down itw as because her job, she changed her job. anotehr melt down, it was her new postion at work, she changed that. another melt down, it was me cuasing it, so she changed that. anther one etc

[Free2Bee]

When we first started dating, my ex painted all of her former gf's black, saying that they'd 'held her back'. It was a real theme in her thinking and I questioned it, even asked how she was being 'held back' (she couldn't tell me).

I've come to believe that this is part of the BPD pattern of deflecting blame. Every failure and downturn in her life, she'd blame on someone else. I never once saw her take responsibility for her own life. She always shifted blame.

I know the failure of our relationship is in part my fault, but I've stopped taking all of my ex's accusations at face value and shifted the focus to myself, changing the stuff I can change (me, me, me!). This was an important shift in my healing.

[Stjarna]

Oh my gosh, it is just eerie how similar your story is, corraline.  Mine has claimed to be off all drugs (he was seriously addicted to narcotics and benzodiazepines when I left), he even said that he was off his antidepressant, which actually worried me, but he was very proud when he announced he was "off all medications." 

He was never social, but now he brags about his social groups.  He never wanted to travel, but now he has plans to travel to Costa Rica and Peru.  He used to ridicule me when I talked of things like yoga or meditation, and now he says he regularly does Tibetan Bowl meditation.  I am skeptical about how many of these claims are actually true as he is an easy liar.  Most of these claims seem to have a mirroring quality, part of his agenda to sway me back into his life.

But he also claims to be a changed man, changed down to the core, he says.  He claims to be a man of peace, who would never yell or rage again at anyone, yet somehow I am still privileged to be the recipient of many angry and judgmental texts, !  His "changed man" he says is for everyone else in his life, and would be for me also if I would trust him, but when I do not show any signs of returning to him with open arms, then I guess in his eyes I am deserving of the rage.  Just strange how his brain works.  It is so sad that he cannot see what he is doing. 

[corraline]

Stjarns

Ugh !

[Dutched]

In old post it is mentioned too that we are not the one they met. Personally I can relate to that.

It was not after 3 yrs, but more than 30 yrs.

A 3 months after her final outburst in which she left, we had a “talk”.

She took a note from her pocket and began to read her “reasons” why she didn’t want to continue our r/s 

1st, it was of I was listening to a 18 year old, so immature, so childish. Using clichés that could fill a 40 ft. container.

2nd, she said: “you are changed, you are not the man I felt in love with when I was 18yrs.”…

Obviously and very gladly not that I wouldn’t have evolved/grown after more than 30 yrs. (together). 

Of what I learned, every one around them evolves/grows (emotionally), they do not grow as we do.

So in time they are still childish, we are mature.

The other part of your post is among devaluating you/me/us and changing appearances

The stage of devaluating is part of the emotional detachment, the push – pull.  In retrospect she tried to find more and more flaws in my behaviour and character in order for her to justify how horrible I was.

As HF BPD she has a good job, successfully finished heavy courses during the last 5 yrs. of our r/s.

She became over confident (HF BPD have N-traits) as she was validated at work she “expected” the same treatment from me, however she has never been on my intellectual level, besides that it clashed with my boundaries.

So she tried to devaluate, to become the Almighty. The detachment was in progress…