Big argument tonight, then wife suddenly changed mind? Confused

[canttakeitanymore]

My intro to the boards is here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221887.0

Long story short, we had out worth argument ever.  In every past relationship, I've never had big arguments.  Small disagreements, sure, but nothing major.  This one is so different.  Earlier in the day, she got ticked off at me (I don't rememberer why now) and slapped me in the forehead. Argh.  Then later in the evening, she just snapped, stormed off, grabbed two trash bags and started to put the kids clothing in them... . stating she was leaving and taking the kids. That didn't happen, I calmed her down enough to stop that.

We then talked some more, she yelled and cried.  I was pretty blunt about the issues.  She tells me she hates me, on a good day she doesn't like me... . that's a good day.  I told her how I felt about not spending more time with family and friends.  She told me from her perspective she doesn't do this.  She said that I'm the one who is hateful.  That I'm the one who doesn't love her.  That I'm the one that doesn't listen.  I asked her where did the woman I fell in love with go?  What happened? 

Then... . it gets weird.  After about 30 minutes of this, she leaves the room for about 5 minutes.  After that, everything is okay.  She is calm. "you were right".  "it's all my fault, you were right, I was wrong".  Like a totally different person.  It was creepy.  I THINK she was doing this just to avoid more discussion... . but maybe not?  I'm totally confused.

I'm on the brink of just tossing in the towel. Nothing is worth this headache and behavior.  Is her sudden change a way to manipulate me?  A way to get back to that woman I fell in love with?  Where, it seems, she just smiled and went along with everything early on it was wonderful?  Is this intentional?  Or unintentional but part of BPD to get back that happy place again where we can start this cycle all over?  I'm so confused.

I don't believe this "happy act" for a minute.  No sane person can swap sides that fast... . it just doesn't happen.

[In_n_Out]

Actually, a pwBPD does have mood swings that are sudden and intense and then they can go back to their "baseline" in a matter of minutes.  That is what makes BPD different than Bipolar where as in bipolar, the mood change is sudden and intense but lasts for days or weeks or longer.  That is my understanding of it, I'm no psychiatrist mind you.

In my experience with a pwBPD, her mind is like a pendulum (and I tell her now that she's being a "pendulum" when she does this) but she can have a certain mindset about something and then on a dime, make a sudden 180 change about it.  This is when something has triggered her and she's become emotionally dysregulated.  A pwBPD has learned to self-regulate those emotions because of the "shame" and lack of "worthiness" that they feel.  They may still be boiling, hurt, sad, whatever inside, but their outward appearance is as if nothing has happened. This is when they are returning to "baseline".  I have learned that when my pwBPD becomes emotionally dysregulated, validation of her emotions, a hug and ultimately a laugh will snap her right out of it.  Now my pwBPD is a "waif" or "quiet" BPD meaning she doesn't have the angry outbursts.  Instead, she cries and doubts herself.  Just tonight, we were together and happy and then she'd start with "I'm a bad person".  There's a whole story behind why she would say that if you want to browse through my long thread here but doing what I just mentioned; validation, comforting with a hug and then bringing up something that will make her laugh (and that takes some creative thinking on your part) works for us.

[canttakeitanymore]

Thanks In_N_Out, that helps.  Wow, that sounds familiar!

[Want2know]

I'm on the brink of just tossing in the towel. Nothing is worth this headache and behavior.  Is her sudden change a way to manipulate me?  A way to get back to that woman I fell in love with?  Where, it seems, she just smiled and went along with everything early on it was wonderful?  Is this intentional?  Or unintentional but part of BPD to get back that happy place again where we can start this cycle all over?  I'm so confused.

I don't believe this "happy act" for a minute.  No sane person can swap sides that fast... . it just doesn't happen.

The mood swings are very hard to work with.  In_n_out gave a pretty good summary.

You say you are on the brink of leaving.  With children in the picture, it's important to think of how that will impact them, as well as yourself.  Since you are still with her, it might be helpful to take a look at the Staying board, as you will get a better idea of what it takes to remain in a relationship with someone with BPD.  We talk a lot about 'radical acceptance' and the communication tools for when situations as you describe occur.

[canttakeitanymore]

Thanks, I'll take a look over there as well.

[maxsterling]

With my BPDgf, I've noticed that she can switch off the emotions on a dime if she has to, like if other people come around.  I've seen it twice, her in full melt-down mode and then company comes over and she turns it off.   But, it's still there, though, she just controls the outward appearance long enough... .

It's like the beginning of your relationship - She controlled her outbursts for at least a few months.  You would have ended things after a few dates had she had an outburst during that time.  I think this is a survival instinct - because if they acted how they feel all the time, they would never get anything in life.  She may be turning off her emotions now as a survival instinct, because she fears the loss of you. 

My experience is that they can only hold things in so long, a few days or weeks.  Last Thursday I sat in couples T office with my GF and explained how difficult it is for me to hear her constantly telling me how she hates herself.  The T suggested she keep those emotions to herself, or use different language.  That lasted Friday and Saturday, and yesterday she was throwing her clothes all over the floor because she hates all her clothes and hates her body. 

Your wife's sudden mood shift probably isn't more than a façade at this point, and you are probably right to be wary.  But that's okay, people put up facades all the time, and this has her calm for now and allows her time to think about things.

[canttakeitanymore]

Maxsterling, thanks.  This sounds about right.  Even this morning, she was saying "everything is okay" even when I know it's not. Going from "I hate you", "you hate me", "I'm leaving and taking the kids" and "you twist everything I say" and then to "it's all right, nothing is wrong" is actually sort of freaky.