Changing voice and other stuff...

[Inside]

So glad she broke up with me -is that evil of me to say?   

Makes sense to me.  After a number of recycles with my uBPDexgf I always felt somewhat relieved that “she broke up with me.”  It left me feeling as though there was no reason for her to boil my pet…  It was the times she’d ‘dump me’ for having ‘spoken’ to another woman that had me on edge

As far as the ‘baby voice’…  not that I can recall.  Actually, she had a beautiful voice, somewhat deeper than most women, and very alluring…  What she did do that was child-like was …expose herself to me, and others (she loves public nudity events - feeds into a co-morbid Histrionic PD is suspect ).

Though I’d have been ditched so that she’d be untethered at such outings, photos she’d later show me were identical to ‘facial expressions’ (that of a little girl likely appearing nude in front of …the public) where she looked eerily like a child!  Often times with me she’d show that same expression when presenting herself.  It was hauntingly weird, an actually turned me off to the point of making sure she didn’t recognize my disgust. 

It’s like I always know something wasn’t quite right… but couldn’t place my finger on it till I discovered BPD. 

[Tolou]

Mywifeiscrazy

"She was upset at me and I had to tell her I couldn't go through with it because it made me feel like a child molester... . makes me feel nauseous just remembering it and writing it down here."

-I felt the exact same thing, like the person who she said molested her when she was a child, most disgusting thing I have ever felt in bed with a woman, I don't expect her to ever comprehend that!

Day2day

-I think they do revert back to that childlike place as a defense mechanism, or unresolved truam? possibly from that age that their development completely stopped... . they do shift, from different tones depending who thier around sometimes, it may have to do with their lack of identity?

sunnyside

"If she wanted something from someone, especially but not limited to men, her voice would literally raise in pitch (she has a natural middle register voice) to that of a teenage girl.  I realized when she was doing this that she was basically reverting into a helpless, vulnerable child."

-I think this is an accurate interpretation of what was going on, so bizarre, but thats where you can see the disorder and the pathology, their disordered.

[mywifecrazy]

Also, I remember during sex (mostly early on), she would say "Ow, ow" almost literally in the voice of a 6-year-old child being violated.

Oh my Freaking God. You just conjured up some memories on this one. My uBPDxw used to do this same exact thing. This is freaking me out!  I don't want to go back there!

[findingmyselfagain]

Hi all,

My ex wasn't diagnosed but fit along the Waif/Hermit lines in her presentation to me. The child-like voice was pretty common in our r/s. I didn't see it until after we were in a r/s... . only 4 dates in. The r/s ended before I knew anything about BPD or could learn any more about her past. So I can only speculate, but after lots of reading and having a therapist who was married to a pwBPD for 10 years, it was definitely not a healthy r/s. I was a little naive to fall in love so quickly and to ignore the red flags.

The child-like part of her personality, the voice, the excitement over planning for a wedding/family/etc, was very endearing to me at the time. After a lot of introspection I believe most of my attraction to her was due to my neglecting my own inner child. In some way I was fulfilling this need or living a new childhood through her. I don't want to hijack the thread, but do any of you think this is possible for you, too? I'm just curious.

She did seem to act differently with different people. We all do to a degree. But she was in her 20s and sounded like a little kid when the voice would come out. It seemed to be when we were alone or with her family. She put on her "adult" persona when we were with other adults, for the most part. Maybe in some sense she "knew" that was attractive to me, or that it was a persona which worked for her in the past when she attracted men like me. Otherwise she seemed very knowledgeable about some things like parenting, etc., so she also seemed very smart. This part of her is what kept me believing that she was looking and able to meet a serious commitment.

[Sunny Side]

The child-like part of her personality, the voice, the excitement over planning for a wedding/family/etc, was very endearing to me at the time. After a lot of introspection I believe most of my attraction to her was due to my neglecting my own inner child. In some way I was fulfilling this need or living a new childhood through her. I don't want to hijack the thread, but do any of you think this is possible for you, too? I'm just curious.

It's something I think I'll bring up in T.  I'll post about it as I learn more  .

She did seem to act differently with different people. We all do to a degree. But she was in her 20s and sounded like a little kid when the voice would come out. It seemed to be when we were alone or with her family. She put on her "adult" persona when we were with other adults, for the most part. Maybe in some sense she "knew" that was attractive to me, or that it was a persona which worked for her in the past when she attracted men like me. Otherwise she seemed very knowledgeable about some things like parenting, etc., so she also seemed very smart. This part of her is what kept me believing that she was looking and able to meet a serious commitment.

This is one of the many maddening things about this disorder, the fact that the behaviors of a pwBPD are in essence just intensely exaggerated behaviors of regulated adults.  The difference being since pwBPD have developed no access to a regulated adult self, these behaviors manifest as inappropriate in many adult situations.

In particular with some women w/BPD, those child-like behaviors prove quite attractive for certain archetype males.  They weren't for me and caused many conflicts between us.  However I do believe I was attracted to saving/rescuing the helpless, abandoned child (in effect, me) and that was what I allowed to engulf me further in the r/s.  Even as a parent with two preteen children, her ability to present as a reasonably whole, autonomous adult was suspect as many basic parental instincts were totally foreign to her.

[MrFox]

The child-like part of her personality, the voice, the excitement over planning for a wedding/family/etc, was very endearing to me at the time. After a lot of introspection I believe most of my attraction to her was due to my neglecting my own inner child. In some way I was fulfilling this need or living a new childhood through her. I don't want to hijack the thread, but do any of you think this is possible for you, too? I'm just curious.

This is something I have recently discovered about myself.  It's really amazing to read someone else has had this thought process.  Makes me feel validated.  My BPDmother put me in charge of taking care of her from a young age.  Pretty much every woman I have been with has done the same thing.  Through all of it, I have ignored myself and my inner child.  To make up for it I was finding women who I basically ended up having to treat like a child instead of actually focusing on my own inner child and dealing with the issues I have there.

As far as my exBPDgf, she very rarely talked in a child-like voice, though it did happen.  She was, however, very child-like in a lot of ways.  A stuffed bunny I got her became a prized possession to the point she was jealous when her own daughter, an actual child, touched it.  She would squeal and giggle at the sight of baby animals. 

The most disturbing thing, now that the FOG is clearing, was that I had to create a mythical unicorn that "watched" over her when I wasn't there.  She would call, sometimes very late at night, in near hysterics about being alone.  We didn't live together so I didn't stay with her every night and also sometimes travel.  She would call and need to be comforted.  Her daughter (age 7) and I had created a fictional unicorn when we played together.  One night I joked that the unicorn lived on the roof and would watch over her.  My ex latched onto this and would ask me to tell me about the unicorn when she was scared or upset.

I found her child-like qualities endearing at the time, and some of them still are.  My problem was tht I attributed those qualities to a healthy connection with her inner child, when the reality couldn't be further from that.  On my end, as I mentioned above, I was fulling a role I was thrust into far to early in life as well as trying desperately to ignore my own problems by focusing on her's.

[corraline]

mr fox

sounds like you were taking care of her little girl that was operating in her quite a bit.  I am sure we all go into our little girl or little boy at times.  My ex and I would bring that out in each other and we acknowledged that. Sometimes it was playful and fun .  I think sometimes it can be unhealthy too as you describe in your situation.  If you found yourself care taking that part of her too much .  My ex used to claim all women were wandering around in little girl, not being real women. I think that was a definite distortion.  My ex used to call me by my childhood name at times  that only my dad refers to.  I  felt funny about it  but thought it was a way for him to be endearing to me at times.  He used it alot when trying to reconnect or there was a weak spot. I also did that to him. I believe relationships do bring out our inner child and how we choose to interact with that part of ourselves in relationship is the issue .  It can be fun, loving, nurturing, intimate or it can be destructive, manipulative and an imbalance of control.

[woodsposse]

It is without a doubt that I bring out my inner child to play in my r/s as much as possible.  It feels good to not have to worry and to feel safe. Especially at those times when there are no major worries (well, at least in the moment).  Like... . all the bills are paid, work is going well, there are not fires burning - and there is a surplus of cash to do some stuff with and the person (or people) I'm with I feel safe and loved and part of something.  Oh hell yeah that feels great.

My inner child comes out in full force... . I get to "be me" and not feel ashamed, or guilt or nothing.

What makes it even "better" is when this happens and I am totally self sufficient.  Which mean, I'm in charge of this train.  For example, I have my apartment... . car... . job... . I pay my bills... . I do what I need to do to make my life complete and happy - and if I allow someone to come in and get close, it's because I want it and trust it and feel good.  And when or if they start to act up... . I can just not deal with them.

The danger there is... . there is a chance I'm actually not being emotionally available to them or giving myself a chance to emotionally grow or trust someone else not to hurt me.  that is the thing, really.  Wall myself to not get hurt and not be close to someone like I really want.

It's a vicious cycle.

But... . healing has to start somehow.

[Inside]

On my end, as I mentioned above, I was fulling a role I was thrust into far to early in life as well as trying desperately to ignore my own problems by focusing on her's. 

MrFox, I was/ am the oldest of four siblings and also felt thrust into the role of caregiver at too early an age.  But your follow-up statement really struck me… though I, too, spent time and energy soothing my uBPDexgf’s inner child, I likely viewed dealing with her ‘childish problems’ as far easier than my own. 

After successfully raising two daughters, basically on my own, apparently I began raising another?  …the entire time avoiding the ‘adult concerns’ I continue to face…  I appreciate your insight, I think

[MrFox]

I think when two people can bring out their inner children in each other, it can be amazing.  When my relationship with my ex first started, it was very much a two way street and was really fun.  As the relationship progressed it became more and more her being a needy child, it became more and more about me caring for her and her inner child.  My own inner child was shoved aside by her, and sadly, by me as I took on the role of the adult in the relationship. She is/was looking for a father-figure to replace the very deficient father she has (who she creepily still refers to as "daddy" despite being 34).  I was thrust into that role and I accepted it.  All of the responsibility of her and the relationship rested on me.  She is not 100% to blame, as I accepted that role.

What I will look for, when I begin to look for a r/s again, is someone who can bring out my inner child and I her's.  However, I now refuse to put my own aside for the sake of another.  I want a relationship with an adult woman who can express her inner child with and enjoy mine.  I, however, will not raise someone's inner child.  That is not my responsibility.

[mywifecrazy]

She is/was looking for a father-figure to replace the very deficient father she has (who she creepily still refers to as "daddy" despite being 34).

That's weird. My uBPDxw in addition to doing the baby talk would always refer to her Mother and Father as MOMMY and DADDY. I always thought that it was odd and after a while it became annoying!  Anyone else notice this in their pwBPD?

I too ended up feeling like my uBPDxw Father in our relationship. I even told her this once in an argument. I told her that I didn't want to be her Daddy that I was tired of having to TAKE CARE OF HER... . She was already cheating on me by then!

[Tolou]

corraline

"

It can be fun, loving, nurturing, intimate or it can be destructive, manipulative and an imbalance of control.  "

I couldn't agree more with your statement, well said.

Mr Fox,

I think it great that you were able to gaint his insight in regards to your own needs moving towards the future,