Changing voice and other stuff...

[Tolou]

I was curious with this one?

My ex-BPD would sometimes shift her tone of voice, it almost became very child like, very wierd.  Early on, I thought it was cute, because it didn't happen too much while were friends. But, then when I started to see her mannerisms, facial expressions, lack of social awareness it became very uncomfortable.  Especially, when she became shy or embarrassed about something, the child-like voice would come out... .

Anyone else deal with the changing voice and other stuff, that felt like the person you were with was turning into a kid? 

[corraline]

Yes big time

Everyones tone of voice will change now and then but my ex "s was a little different

It was like there were a few different people going on

I have not experienced this bfore with anyone

[Jb2003]

Hey corraline this is JB can you please tell me how to post I figured out the reply thing which I am doing now but I can't figure out how to post a story of my own... . thanks or anyone?

[corraline]

Jb

Go to mesage board

Look for new topic on right on top and youll find it

Hope you are ok

[Jb2003]

Corraline I'm ok last night was rough but I suppose everyday is a charge in the healing direction, I am still just dumbfounded how

BPD's can do this to people as if people are just cannon fodder to them. But I guess knowing the how is as close to why as I will ever get... .

[Stjarna]

Yes, absolutely a change in voice, but also other physical things.  His lip would twitch.  He could smile a certain way with a little twitch in the corner, and I immediately knew what was coming next.  Gives me chills just to think about it.  Change in his eyes too.  Too scary to go back there and think about much this morning. 

[itsnotme567]

yes I've noticed the change in voice like she was a little girl and needed help

[Tincup]

I would notice this as well.  The child like voice would come out when my ex was relaxed and comfortable. 

However as others noted when the eyes changed I knew what was going to happen next.

[odonate]

Yes, I notice this too.  If he is angry with me he answers in one way, if he is speaking to his ex wife in another, like totally bored way.  When he is really angry he screws up his face like a cartoon character - I only wish I could laugh at it, his eyes narrow and flash - vile!  Sometimes when he is angry and doesn't want to hear me, he makes childlike noises - nnanannanana etc.

[Tolou]

Yes, the eyes too.  Sometimes it is like I was looking at a helpless puppy-dog, then I was looking at emptiness, then I would get the thousand yard stares... .

I saw the biting of the lip too,

when I caught her lying, I got the "no it wasn't me look" "damn I'm caught"

unbelievable... .

[max101]

Wow, I know exactly what you mean  My ex would do this a lot and even worse in my opinion was when this sadness would turn into a type of fake crying about how evil I am for staying at work to long. So glad she broke up with me -is that evil of me to say? 

[woodsposse]

 

Well, I'm gonna do something a little different - I'm gonna talk about me and my different "voices" and mannerisims.

I think we all have different voices and mannerisims we portray in any given situation, or social setting or group of people (friends, family, etc).  I think that is very very normal.  Not like saying we are totally different people - but just a different part of our overall person.

I speak very differently when I'm going into work as opposed to when I'm am walking the halls of my college campus hanging out with my buddies.

I speak very differently when I walk into my mother's house and chat with her than I do when I'm around my friends from work.

I speak TOTALLLLLLYYYY different when I am around my children (or have the responsibility for someone elses child... . i.e. baby sitting - or I'm taking my grandkids out to the park) than I do when I am alone with my s/o having a glass of wine and we are about to spend some intimate time together.

And... . depending on what is going on in my day - and I'm alone with my thoughts and just me... . I have a totally totally separate voice.

The voice I use in my just me time is the most interesting.  It isn't filtered through years of learning "what I'm suppose to do" or "what I'm suppose to say".  I don't feel a need to explain to someone "this is why I'm acting this way... . because I'm hurt or disappointed" - and that is very freeing.

I can allow myself just to be.

Not that any of the other voices are a problem... . I LOVE my daddy voice.  I love my at work mode.  I love being around my friends.  I love how I can walk into almost any social situation and feel comfortable.  I learned from the best (my grandfather) on how to go to a nice restaurant, speak with the staff, enjoy the surroundings and have a wonderful time.  I love that voice the best because it always reminds me of him.

I often wonder if I did him proud?  He passed about a decade ago.  I miss him.

But I digress.

Reason I'm sharing this is because I often wondered after my breakup  if  I was the one with a PD.  I mean, my ex was diagnosed.  All the signs and symptoms are there.  The anxiety, the depression, the cutting, the suicide fascination, the childhood abuse (physical and sexual), the addition to on-line stuff, spending monies we don't have on stuff we don't need, the lies, the cheating, the illogical and irrational circular arguments... .

There is one voice I don't like.  It's my stern "you just really pissed me off/disappointmed me" voice.  

You don't want to hear that voice.  You wouldn't like that voice.  

It is very strained.  I know I'm trying very hard not to explode.  I'm trying very hard to pick my words so a barrage of bullets don't come flying out at you (and trust me, they cut and cut hard).  My whole demeanor changes and you would have to be deaf, dumb and blind not to see and hear the change.  And it is almost instant.  

I use to think, due to being around my PDed people, that the quickness of my temper/anger/frustration was a bad thing.  NOPE!  It isn't.  It is my bodies way of telling me I know what just happened - there is no getting around it - whatever caued this to happen is real.

I may not know in that moment what exactly caused it, but my body and mind do (my instinct).  And the fight or flight instinct kick in ... . and 9 times out of 10 - I don't run.  

I want to stay, stand my ground, try all or some of the tools in my toolbag to difuse the situation (while not stepping down from my position).  I try not to push my agenda, but I don't change my agenda.  If I get pushed... . you don't want to do that.  Especially if I know (and feel) there is no cause for pushing.  

I push back.

Well, inititally I try to just put the ball either in a neutral court, or back in your court in an attempt to meet half way and stop any pushing being done to me (I don't like to be pushed).  But if in trying to go the highground I get pushed again... . step back.

Because at this point, I only have two options.  Walk away... . or handle it.  Both are no-win situations.  I despise no-win situations.

I've been learning to walk away a lot lately.

But if I don't walk away... . I had a tendency to explode.  From my POV, especially dealing with my personality disordered people, I had already put up with a serious round of BS... . so if we get to the point of 'handling it'... . I'm already ready to pop.  And it isn't pretty.

I don't like doing that.

I understand where it comes from, how it started, and I know it is a part of me now.  I know I have to either not be in those situatons, or if I do get in those situations - not to stay.  

There is a hurt little boy deep inside me that just doesn't like being hurt, or pushed, or told I did something wrong when I know for a fact I didn't.  I grew up like that and didn't have a voice.  Well... . when I got older - I certainly had a voice.  A very loud, very angry voice.

So for now, I'm Joshua from War Games.  The only way to win those games, is not to play.

Just thought I'd share.

[Tolou]

No, its not evil to say that... . you just had to do what was best for you!

[Tolou]

w posse, that was deep, honest and insightful.

[charred]

My pwBPD would put her hands on her hips and start talking in a condescending sugary sweet obnoxious voice... and wouldn't listen to anything said... it was like she was caught in an old behavior loop. Met her mother and no question where the hands on the hips condescension thing came from.

I believe the phrase "hysterical is historical"... . fits.

I was nice/normal and doing well by her, and she would over-react and ignore the present to go through her weird little drama. It seemed over the top... now i think it was in fact a hysterical thing... something triggered her and it was like I wasn't present.

Had so many odd things like that... . wondering how I managed to not notice it all in real time and freak about it... but instead, tried to be nice and make her happy... . which was impossible... . wasn't me she was mad at, some ghost from her past I guess.

[blissful_camper]

With my ex, I felt like I was the new 'face' that he attached all of his old wounds to, so he could replay those wounds.  I often felt that I was interacting with a man who had multiple personalities that would emerge with the flip of a switch.  He was showing me what he had experienced in his familial environment.  He wasn't really living in the here and now.  On an unconscious level, he was replaying those experiences as a way of processing them.  To him it was normal.  To me it was disturbing, and at times frightening. 

[mywifecrazy]

Yes definitely experienced the childlike behaviors and childlike voice. My uBPDxw would FREAK ME OUT too. She would start with the childlike voice when we were being intimate even talking like a baby. It would INSTANTLY take me out of the mood. I remember trying to talk to her about this. I told her it made me feel like I was fooling around with a kid. Man it FREAKS ME OUT just remembering this.

If I remember correctly the childlike voice would happen during times go heightened emotions like when she was very happy or very sad.

[numbr3]

My xBPDh did the baby talk in bed also.  He is 50-how creepy.  It seemed to be after sex when he felt loved (secure) and he had with his head on my chest.  I certainly didn't want to be his mommy.  I told him to stop it, I didn't want to be having sex with a little boy.

[corraline]

I think everyone changes voices depending on moods, the environment and people they r with.  I do too.

I just felt the dramatic shifts of personality and the voice and mannerisms were strange to me.

It was significant

I would talk with him about it and he would say he was going into task oriented mode or counsellor mode or he was feeling vulnerable or whatever

It was different than what i was used to in previous relationships.

He said i wasnt used to someone who was not in persona and had real sides to them

I dont know...

Hmmm

Guess it could b true

[ScotisGone74]

Yes it is true that everyone may change mood voice tones or pitch due to a host of things but in my experience the ex BPD was seated talking to the same person(me) without any distractions just suddenly starts speaking like a five year old -yes that was really weird.     I don't know why they do it or if they even realize they're doing it.  The few times she did do it was when she was really excited about her relationship-first with me and then as she's cheating on me preparing to get engaged to the new Mr tomdickharry.

[Tolou]

Mywifecrazy... .

I experienced the same the same thing when we were trying to get intimate, or were... . and the child came out, what a turn off for me.  I literally would fall out of the mood, felt like I was touching kissing etcc... . a child. Absolutely the most uncomfortable feeling ever in a relationship with anyone, never saw that before.  Thought something was wrong with me, but when it continued, I stopped it all because I knew something was way off.

[mywifecrazy]

My xBPDh did the baby talk in bed also.  He is 50-how creepy.  It seemed to be after sex when he felt loved (secure) and he had with his head on my chest.  I certainly didn't want to be his mommy.  I told him to stop it, I didn't want to be having sex with a little boy.

Yes it was CREEPY for me too. But now that I'm out of her world (not completely we have 2 kids) it's very sad to think about. She really is a sick person. It's interesting that you mentioned being his Dad. When my my uBPDxw would do the baby talk I would tell her that she was acting like I was her Father. I told her that it made me feel creepy. I know now that this is a big reason why we were NEVER able to connect on a more mature emotional level.

In later years when she totally cut me out physically and was running around I still felt like her Dad but this time she was acting like a spoiled little teenage girl. Lying to me and acting one way with me but acting like a little tramp when she was out without me or at work. It was like she wanted to do what SHE wanted to do but knew it was wrong and hiding things from me much like a TEENAGER would do. I told her at the end of our 20yr relationship that I felt like all I was good for was as her provider. I told her I didn't want to be her DADDY anymore.

It's weird. I have primary custody and she only sees our sons every other weekend. I try to go NC as much as possible because of her continued lying and manipulation of everyone around her.  The few time that I do talk to her I still feel like her Dad. She acts like she's disappointing me and gets sad when she's around me. I HATE being put in that position. She is a HORRIBLE co-parent. I feel I have 2 children (my sons) and 1 step child.

PS I know my replacement is getting the Baby Talk! Poor Ass!

[mywifecrazy]

Mywifecrazy... .

I experienced the same the same thing when we were trying to get intimate, or were... . and the child came out, what a turn off for me.  I literally would fall out of the mood, felt like I was touching kissing etcc... . a child. Absolutely the most uncomfortable feeling ever in a relationship with anyone, never saw that before.  Thought something was wrong with me, but when it continued, I stopped it all because I knew something was way off, wayyyyyyyyy offffffffffff... .

Good thing for you that you got out early. I was STEEPED in the FOG. I did love her and guess I felt like I was rescuing her. That is EXACTLY what she WANTED. She played me perfectly!

Yes like my last post it screwed me up emotionally and physically with her. I couldn't make love to her when she was like that. It would give me a sick and creepy feeling. TOTALLY took me out of the mood. I remember talking to her during one of these nights.  She was upset at me and I had to tell her I couldn't go through with it because it made me feel like a child molester... . makes me feel nauseous just remembering it and writing it down here.

The weird thing is that once she got me locked into a relationship with her all the Baby Talk ended as well as all the talk of her being abused in her youth. It's like that is her game plan to paint herself as a victim to LURE in her victims.  Years later she did this same thing with my replacement only this time I was the abuser and my replacement was rescuing her from me.

I'm sure he is getting a HEAVY DOSE of the Baby Talk! 

[sirensong65]

My situation with my Ex was a little different from what you guys are describing.  He had a certain personality and mannerisms I feel he used as BAIT to get you in the beginning.  Because his REAL personality is very boring.

In the beginning, he was very animated, had a lot of energy, would make this little face that was a crinkling of the nose and narrowing the eyes thing. I often said he reminded me of Jason Bateman.  He also would end phone conversations with the breathy long BBBYYYYEEEE (THIS I hated and felt was creepy and weird).  I noticed when he was starting to pull away from me (And probably wooing the replacement) he stopped the facial expressions, his personality was bland and boring, never wanted to do much of anything and would just end the phone calls with a normal goodbye.

Just shows how they all have these personas they use... .

[mapys]

Well yep - mine also did baby voice. It was like at least 3 different persons within one body - that was my first idea - multiple personalities. The weirdest thing was when she caught me by surprise - we are driving somewhere and out of the blue she turns her eyes, lips into cute baby face and says - can we go to the beach? What? Are you realistic ? And such unreal wishes - childish wishes were quite often.

Then the angry face. I knew when she is upset, angry and represses her feelings by looking at her nose - nostrils they don't lie. Overall she had a very charming voice - anyone could fall for that... .

Talking about other childish things - and turnoffs   She had panties with cartoon characters - 27 something woman. 

Sometimes I also fooled around with baby voice - those very very light intimate moments usually in the morning around breakfast - these moments somehow relieved the tension between us.

[Promises]

My ex would call me up then suddenly scream leave me alone in a totally diffent voice then throw the phone down and hang up.  Like I called him.  It was so disturbing.

Promises

[day2day]

Yes, I must confess that my BPDexgf also did the baby talk routine in bed. Not just the tone of voice, but the actual vocabulary. I found myself dwelling on this somewhat after the r/s ended, and considered asking about it on this board, but I thought nah, that's too much of a reach to bring up here as a possible sign of BPD. So lo and behold, I come on here today, and right before my eyes are numerous people describing exactly what I experienced.

The baby talk... . I thought it was much more weird than it was endearing.

Perhaps it's an escape... . a reversion... . from the intensity and presumed intimacy of the moment?

I've also been dwelling somewhat on the possibility that during the initial stages of the r/s, there is a distinct sense of a sweet, childlike goodness that these BPD women give off. Not to the extent of out-and-out baby talk, of course, but something very refreshing, honest, unspoiled, and unique. I feel this persona is a tremendous weapon they use to disarm men, to throw them off the trail, to preclude any future idea of capability of guile or heartlessness.

When the hammer inevitably comes down, it's devastating.

Thoughts?

[Sunny Side]

I was curious with this one?

My ex-BPD would sometimes shift her tone of voice, it almost became very child like, very wierd.  Early on, I thought it was cute, because it didn't happen too much while were friends. But, then when I started to see her mannerisms, facial expressions, lack of social awareness it became very uncomfortable.  Especially, when she became shy or embarrassed about something, the child-like voice would come out... .

Anyone else deal with the changing voice and other stuff, that felt like the person you were with was turning into a kid? 

Ha! That just brought some behaviors back to mind.  My uBPDexgf would shift her voice like this:

If she wanted something from someone, especially but not limited to men, her voice would literally raise in pitch (she has a natural middle register voice) to that of a teenage girl.  I realized when she was doing this that she was basically reverting into a helpless, vulnerable child.

If she was around teenagers or pre-teens (her 11YO daughter's age) she would take on the pitch and vocal mannerisms of those girls, in essence becoming of their peers (this troubled me early on).

Her most visible mannerism was to twirl her hair.  She wore long hair extensions and would constantly twirl it in conversations with both adult men and women, especially when she was trying to "figure them out", appear unknowledgeable, seductive or vulnerable.  This baffled me for some time.

Conversely, when she was around me for the most part, or if she was discussing matters of money (she was raised to believe the acquisition of money and wealth was the holy grail) her voice would remain almost exclusively adult.

Also, I remember during sex (mostly early on), she would say "Ow, ow" almost literally in the voice of a 6-year-old child being violated.  It struck me as unusual at the time and I asked her about it.  At the time she sort of brushed it off smiling and said something like "Oh, I'll tell you about that and a lot of other things, too".  I don't recall if she ever did.

[Sunny Side]

I've also been dwelling somewhat on the possibility that during the initial stages of the r/s, there is a distinct sense of a sweet, childlike goodness that these BPD women give off. Not to the extent of out-and-out baby talk, of course, but something very refreshing, honest, unspoiled, and unique. I feel this persona is a tremendous weapon they use to disarm men, to throw them off the trail, to preclude any future idea of capability of guile or heartlessness.

When the hammer inevitably comes down, it's devastating.

Thoughts?

Hi Day2day, one of the funniest (now) things looking back over the length of the r/s was how many bizarre behaviors became normalized over time.  It's quite a funny list.  I think since most "normal" r/s's are also full of many unique quirks of personality (our own included) that we tend to overlook or minimize them, but especially in the FOG of a BPD r/s. 

To your point, early on I observed of the "seductress" quality of my uBPDexgf with men.  It was/is her most potent currency and she enjoyed it.  Early in our r/s I used to comment to her that it seemed like everything she did, and I mean everything -- the large boob job, very provocative but $$$$ clothing habits, the random girlish voice, the hair twirling, the touching, flirting with typically everyone she came in contact with -- presented some expression of available sexuality.  What an ass I must have sounded like saying these things!  Again, to a degree we all do them at times but with her the affect was just so... . Marilyn Monroe/Jessica Rabbit. 

It makes sense though b/c although she was an attractive woman she felt so horrible disfigured, stupid, ugly and worthless most of the time that she had to compensate externally by being over-the-top.  It used to break my heart that she couldn't see how naturally beautiful she was w/o all the artifice but I don't believe she's really capable to do that.  So yes, the voice and many other things were just one of the many implements she employed to "throw people off the trail".

[simplyasiam]

my ex BPD g/f would not only change her voice but everything about her will change even the way she looks its like dealing with three totally different people you would have to see pics of her really understand how much she changes