He's moving in

[Mutt]

I expected this to happen. I had a free consultation with a L last summer, I had mentioned that my ex was undiagnosed and I suspect she is BPD. He said that he was separated from his ex (4) years, and that she was BPD as well.

What I recall from that conversation, she may seek divorce when she is ready to get married. The ex simply didn't want to deal with divorce / custody after she had left. She was in her honeymoon. The past few weeks she has been giving me offers, I said I think it's best to negotiate through lawyers (because she's just demanding too much)

So I pick up the kids tonight, and D8 says "J is moving in with us at the end of April, I don't like him and I don't want him to move in"

I sensed that this day was coming soon, because of the recent push from her side.

[LettingGo14]

You have worked really hard to prepare yourself for this day.  Still, it is not easy.  How are you feeling?  How can we help?  We are here for you.

[Mutt]

You have worked really hard to prepare yourself for this day.  Still, it is not easy.  How are you feeling?  How can we help?  We are here for you.

No kidding, I worked hard.  I was looking at the sidebar this past week. The five stages of Detachment. I think that I'm at step 4 Creative Action.

On the one hand, I'm glad that I'm as far as that I am. I think that I would of taken this much harder if it was a couple of months ago. Having said that, it still feels like a loss. Divorce is coming, it makes me feel sad. The realization that this chapter is going to be closed. I feel like I put too much value into the relationship / marriage, it simply was not working for us.

On the other hand, I'm planning my finances to eventually get out of debt from this marriage. I'm moving because I don't want to spend anymore time in this apartment than I have to. Too many sad feelings and memories here when I didn't have the kids. I want a fresh start. I'm excited that one chapter is closing, and a new one is starting with me and the kids.

Above all. I'm anxious and worried. I'm worried about the kids on her time, with the bf living with them all of the time. It's the fighting that's going to ensue, and the kids witnessing that. I can't use my r/s as a blueprint for her new r/s. What I mean is, is I know when in my r/s things (months and years) were escalating, but as Skip said in a previous post. It depends on the person. He may not trigger her as much as I did, depending on his disposition. I also think she's making a bad choice, but it's her choice.

Her hostility that's just underneath the surface bothers me as well. I'm still undervalued as a person. Tonight for example, my S6 was wearing sandals, he got his foot wet in a puddle just outside of her gate. It bothered him and he wanted to take off the wet sock and put rubber boots on. She was trying to show me the kids things in their bags, what shoes are for daycare, what shoes are for normal wear etc. I said " do you mind if he changes here, it's really bothering him and we'll resume. She said " You don't have to control me! Blah blah blah" That didn't bother me, but it's the recent hostility she has towards me, yeah that hits home a little. I'm glad that I was indifferent, I didn't snap back at her like I would have when we were together.

I'm feeling a lot of things, but worry is at the top of the list. It's my kids.

[Turkish]

I expected this to happen. I had a free consultation with a L last summer, I had mentioned that my ex was undiagnosed and I suspect she is BPD. He said that he was separated from his ex (4) years, and that she was BPD as well.

What I recall from that conversation, she may seek divorce when she is ready to get married. The ex simply didn't want to deal with divorce / custody after she had left. She was in her honeymoon. The past few weeks she has been giving me offers, I said I think it's best to negotiate through lawyers (because she's just demanding too much)

So I pick up the kids tonight, and D8 says "J is moving in with us at the end of April, I don't like him and I don't want him to move in"

I sensed that this day was coming soon, because of the recent push from her side.

I'm sorry about that Mutt... . and it must be more painful to have your daughter tell you that. Is there anything specific there, like signs of abuse (verbal, emotional, or otherwise) which you can take to court or the authorities?


You have the kids more, right? I think with good documentation, you should make the first move. Legally, then, that makes her the defendant/respondent. You don't want to answer anything she starts. You're being merciful and patient, nothing wrong with that, but with the kids now, it's time for her to face the reality of her unwise decisions. You know her best, though.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry about that Mutt... . and it must be more painful to have your daughter tell you that. Is there anything specific there, like signs of abuse (verbal, emotional, or otherwise) which you can take to court or the authorities?


You have the kids more, right? I think with good documentation, you should make the first move. Legally, then, that makes her the defendant/respondent. You don't want to answer anything she starts. You're being merciful and patient, nothing wrong with that, but with the kids now, it's time for her to face the reality of her unwise decisions. You know her best, though.

Yeah it's painful to hear that from D8. The ex says nothing about what is going on in their lives, "it's none of my business" in her words. Something like this, I can't really expect her to tell me that he is moving in. It's hearing about everything from the kids. I don't pry, my D8 likes to talk a lot. I let her say whatever is on her mind, and I don't say anything bad to her about mom. What bothers me the most are things like daycare. She will put them in daycare, but doesn't say anything to me. She says it after the fact, that gets under my collar.

Yes, I have the kids more. She has been difficult the past week (as all holidays) with Easter coming up. I have an interim order for shared custody. At the time, we had agreed to kids being at one house one week, then at the other parents, the next. I didn't work out the holidays, and I have court coming up in first week of May, to review the interim order. I'm going to have to get the holidays figured out, to take out the ambiguity and conflict.

She called me a couple of times today, in regards to Easter. She was projecting and changing things around, saying that I had agreed to certain days over the holidays (her time) , which I hadn't.  It says Friday to Friday on the court order, and I'll stick to that, until we get all of the holidays hammered out in court.

I had agreed to taking them next Sunday, but she wants me to have them on her weekend, until Easter Monday. It's the lack of respect for my schedule, changing things around a week before, and the sense of entitlement. She was triggered on the phone, hostile, I validated her, which calmed her down.  I told her 'let's get back to this tonight, I'll look at the court order, and we'll figure something out" She was saying that Easter was in the order, which it's not. I didn't even have to look at it.

Anyways, she just seemed all over the place emotionally, dysregulated, then calm, and then hostile as I said in my previous post. I'm glad that I'm able to simply see it for what it is, and not engage. She has stopped responding to emails, and said that she only wants to talk on the phone now, so that "she can hang up on me" I was worried about not being able to track conversations, etc. but I got "voicemail to text", so it saves a .wav file of her voice messages in my email. But I don't know what's going on with her. I have heard from mutual friends, that she seems like she's acting stranger than usual. 

As merciful as I am to her, I don't trust her when it comes to the kids. I'd rather be safe than sorry.

[arn131arn]

Mutt, I remember when I first came to this site, I was heartbroken. You were one of the first people to reach out and help me. I hope you gain strength here and I know you are going to get through this.

I just wish there was something I could do to help you. Like Turk said, is there anyway you can file something with the court to prevent this? Here in the states, you can order that there be no exposing the children to overnight adult relationships. Are there legal recourses in your country?

I haven't had this happen YET! But eventually I will. Look at it this way, at least you can help me and Turk out when it happens to us. You can share your experience with us, right?

[Mutt]

Mutt, I remember when I first came to this site, I was heartbroken. You were one of the first people to reach out and help me. I hope you gain strength here and I know you are going to get through this.

I just wish there was something I could do to help you. Like Turk said, is there anyway you can file something with the court to prevent this? Here in the states, you can order that there be no exposing the children to overnight adult relationships. Are there legal recourses in your country?

I haven't had this happen YET! But eventually I will. Look at it this way, at least you can help me and Turk out when it happens to us. You can share your experience with us, right?

Trust me when I say this Arn, you give me strength as well. It's a group thing, we're in this together. Helping each other out.

Oy, Canada, (or should I say Oh, Canada?) and it's family law, or lack thereof.

No, it's not the same, she can have overnight adult relationships. I can ask, but it's up to her if she follows it in the court order, but there's nothing that I can do if she goes ahead and does it.

[arn131arn]

Well, I was throwing the baseball with my son the other day and he tells me, "mommy, told me that if I feel uncomfortable about marrying Mr. replacement, the she wouldn't do it."

I made an emergency phone call to my P, and when I told him what she said, he was irate, but he did help me see the damage this type of behavior may display.

She just put the ENTIRE relationship with replacement only son's shoulders, Therefore, he will have to love with the guilt if they don't get married. Not only is 4 months way too soon to be talking about marriage, especially with a man who's in his mid 40s and NEVER been married, but she could be saying things like that for my benefit. To try and get me all worked up and pissed off!

That's what my P told me, so you said she's been really negative lately, is it possible she could be trying to get under your skin?

[Turkish]

Mutt, I remember when I first came to this site, I was heartbroken. You were one of the first people to reach out and help me. I hope you gain strength here and I know you are going to get through this.

I just wish there was something I could do to help you. Like Turk said, is there anyway you can file something with the court to prevent this? Here in the states, you can order that there be no exposing the children to overnight adult relationships. Are there legal recourses in your country?

I haven't had this happen YET! But eventually I will. Look at it this way, at least you can help me and Turk out when it happens to us. You can share your experience with us, right?

My first lawyer wanted to write into the stipulation no introducing the kids to a new romantuc partner for 6 months, or better yet, a year. Even if we can do that here, pretty easy to get around that, no?

Mutt, I get the not looking at the custody order thing. I sent mine the first draft if the stipulation by email and her only comment was "looks good." As if she didn't even read it. I would at least question something she sent to me, if the she were on the other foot.

As for lack of respect for your schedule, of course, but you would rather have the kids on Easter and more, no? I'm sure your kids would rather be with you.

[Mutt]

Well, I was throwing the baseball with my son the other day and he tells me, "mommy, told me that if I feel uncomfortable about marrying Mr. replacement, the she wouldn't do it."

I made an emergency phone call to my P, and when I told him what she said, he was irate, but he did help me see the damage this type of behavior may display.

She just put the ENTIRE relationship with replacement only son's shoulders, Therefore, he will have to love with the guilt if they don't get married. Not only is 4 months way too soon to be talking about marriage, especially with a man who's in his mid 40s and NEVER been married, but she could be saying things like that for my benefit. To try and get me all worked up and pissed off!

That's what my P told me, so you said she's been really negative lately, is it possible she could be trying to get under your skin?

I'm sorry to hear about your son, Arn. I agree, a child cannot process this, it would affect him on the emotional level.

If you don't mind me asking, what was your response when he asked you if she is trying to get under your skin?

As for lack of respect for your schedule, of course, but you would rather have the kids on Easter and more, no? I'm sure your kids would rather be with you.

You're absolutely right. This is not a hill worth dying for.

It's sad. It's a long weekend, mom doesn't want to have the kids on any of those days.

[arn131arn]

Not sure I understand the question, Mutt. What was my response to my P or my son?

[Mutt]

Not sure I understand the question, Mutt. What was my response to my P or my son?

Yeah, to your P.

[Turkish]

A friend told me today I seemed obsessed with her being a good mom. This ties into what my T told me months ago: that a lot of my anger seemed to stems from expecting her to be something she is not. It's right, even righteous, but they are who they are. I still, sruggle with that and likely will for a while.

[arn131arn]

Not sure I understand the question, Mutt. What was my response to my P or my son?

Yeah, to your P.

He didn't have allot of time to talk to me yesterday. He was in between appointments, but I think I just absorbed what he was telling me.

[Turkish]

Not sure I understand the question, Mutt. What was my response to my P or my son?

Yeah, to your P.

He didn't have allot of time to talk to me yesterday. He was in between appointments, but I think I just absorbed what he was telling me.

Sorry for the slight hijack, Mutt, but Arn, your inbox says it is full, thus no PMs.

[Mutt]

I recall once, my ex and I where having a fight downstairs, the 3 youngest kids were in bed.

I think what triggers me the most out of this, is recalling my SD15 being really upset over that night, because she was overhearing my ex and I.

I met my ex when she was 23, I was 31. She had 3 other live-in boyfriends before me. D15 was 2 when her father and my ex broke up.

I can't recall what we were fighting about, we had so many. I remember leaving the living room and going upstairs and my SD15's door was open and I could hear that she was crying. I had found my SD15 in her room, extremely upset in a fetal position on the floor. She said "why does my mom, fight with all of her boyfriends?" I know that I said I can't use my r/s with her as a blueprint for what he's going to experience. I know at some point, the fighting is going to come, my kids will witness these events.

The difference between my SD15's dad and I, I'm present. He had moved away to another Province, and wasn't present in her life. That's one thing that my kids have going for them.

[arn131arn]

Emotionally, How is SD15 doing now?

You hear it all the time on this site, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

So, I would bring those blueprints to an architect or engineer for their stamp of approval, brother!

[Mutt]

A friend told me today I seemed obsessed with her being a good mom. This ties into what my T told me months ago: that a lot of my anger seemed to stems from expecting her to be something she is not. It's right, even righteous, but they are who they are. I still, sruggle with that and likely will for a while.

No sweat for the hijack Turk. That's a good point. I worry about her being a good mom as well. It's not something that I can't control. I struggle with it too, but you're T gave you good advice. Thanks for that.

Emotionally, How is SD15 doing now?

You hear it all the time on this site, "the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior."

So, I would bring those blueprints to an architect or engineer for their stamp of approval, brother!

I know that I don't talk about SD15 much, she is estranged.

SD15 is showing BPD traits, she started showing BPD traits at around the age of 11. The one thing that she does differently than her mom, is cutting.

Since ex moved out on her own. I don't know what transpires at their house. I talk to SD's  step-mother, I would consider her a close friend. I get no information on the ex, in regards to the SD.

She ran away from home, and was found at her boyfriends house. The ex had called the cops, brought back home. She then had tried to hang herself in her bedroom.( my kids where not at the house, they where with me at the time, didn't witness this) She was brought to the hospital, but for whatever reason, she was released under my ex's care immediately. She didn't spend any time in psychiatrics.  

About a week later, she had later tried to throw herself out of the van, while my wife was driving both of them back from an appointment with a P. Again, she was brought to the hospital, child protective services where involved this time. They said that they don't think that she should stay at home, she can't stay at her aunts (ex's sister) because it's in the same city, and that she needed distance. She is currently living 6 hours north at ex MIL's (her grandmothers house), that's the last news that I heard about her.