Need urgent support Please.

[SamsungUser86]

Diagnosed BPD wife with ptsd, bipolar, and lots of physical diagnoses. We've only been married 4 months but together for 5 years. Told her tired of lies, drama, immaturity, money spebsing problems, tired of empty promises. So she's left but is constantly trying to get me back saying she will change and go to therapy. She is saying she will change for real and start respecting me more because now she says she truly sees that she could lose me and she will do anything to save our marriage. I told her im tired of false promises and all the lying and the anxiety and stress i am under all the time. She has nowhere to go. She said she wanted to see me tonight and i put my foot down and said no. Talked a couple times on the phone and last conversation was just her saying that she needed to talk to me today. I kept saying no. I said i am telling you right now that i need a couple of days seperation to clear our heads and that she needs to use this time wisely and think about why this is happening. I said every action has a reaction and this is a buildup of the last 5 years of always being absorbed in her own problems and own excuses as to why she cant do this and cant do that. After all the times i told her i need some time away, she still didn't accept that and still begged me to see her today. NO BOUNDARIES. So i put my foot down and told her I'm not talking to her for the rest of the day. She keeps texting me information for therapists and telling me that her and our dog (which she took) miss me and just trying to get a response from me. Haven't responded yet.

So idk what to do. We are married but i came to the realization that she isn't going to change because she's told me hundreds of times that she wants to work on things, but somehow i am the crazy one that is holding her back. My mind feels warped and at this point I need therapy too from everything. I am trying to stay strong but it's very hard not to respond.

What should i do? Should i give her a chance? How long should i continue ignoring her calls and texts? Is there any way she could truly prove to me she will make a attempt to change or should i just continue leaving and going forward with a divorce because nothing will change anyway? Should i give it a chance? I told her family i dont want to be her caretaker and babysitter for the rest of my life while waiting for her to give a crap about my feelings and seek help. Only now that I've kicked her out 4 months into our marriage is she begging to give her another chance (which would be chance #1,345).

I need advice/direction/help! Please!

[motherof1yearold]

First of all, what makes you think she truly realizes that she could lose you? As a person with BPD, she feels that way CONSTANTLY. People with BPD have a huge fear of abandonment. She will literally do anything to 'get you back' when she feels she is at risk. But that does NOT mean she won't revert back to her old abusive behaviors.

She has ingrained behaviors. Therapy is GREAT, but people with BPD truly need dialectical behavorial therapy or even a residential treatment program. She isn't going to be healed overnight, or even in months. This would be years and years.

What are you goals? Is she interfering with your well being, goals, happiness, etc? It takes so much to navigate around these type relationships. With that said, we are all here to help, so if you want to give a little more info on the situation , I would be glad to talk with you more. I'm sure other people will give their view as well.

Good luck!

[Aussie0zborn]

I admire your stance and your taking control. I'm not afraid to say bluntly that nothing will change just because she says it will. I know we all hope that it would change, but it doesn't.  Faced with the prospect of "abandonment" they will say whatever they need to say to get you back in.

My experience is that once you get back, the abuse gets worse because you have already proven your untrustworthiness by abandoning them, and here she is right now... . abandoned. Did you ever make her the promise of never abandoning her? If yes, there is payback ahead for you, lying in wait and ready to strike when you least expect it.

You have undoubtedly made huge emotional and other investments in the relationship and the realisation that you can't go any further is painful to say the least. I would suggest there is more pain ahead if you don't end it now, while you're ahead and still have the control over the situation. The question in considering staying with her is how much can you endure, what impact will this have on you in respect of any future children, and how are YOU going to end up when she decides to end it without notice?

Once again, tonight I read in another post about the BPD partner ending the relationship on the non's birthday.  How is that for ending the relationship without notice? That to me is callous but not unexpected.

While you are undecided, maintain your current stance, clear your head, weigh it all up but keep the control while you think things through. Identify how deep you are in the the FOG. Take your time. Good luck.

[clljhns]

I admire your stance and your taking control. I'm not afraid to say bluntly that nothing will change just because she says it will. I know we all hope that it would change, but it doesn't.  Faced with the prospect of "abandonment" they will say whatever they need to say to get you back in.

My experience is that once you get back, the abuse gets worse because you have already proven your untrustworthiness by abandoning them, and here she is right now... . abandoned. Did you ever make her the promise of never abandoning her? If yes, there is payback ahead for you, lying in wait and ready to strike when you least expect it.

You have undoubtedly made huge emotional and other investments in the relationship and the realisation that you can't go any further is painful to say the least. I would suggest there is more pain ahead if you don't end it now, while you're ahead and still have the control over the situation. The question in considering staying with her is how much can you endure, what impact will this have on you in respect of any future children, and how are YOU going to end up when she decides to end it without notice?

Once again, tonight I read in another post about the BPD partner ending the relationship on the non's birthday.  How is that for ending the relationship without notice? That to me is callous but not unexpected.

While you are undecided, maintain your current stance, clear your head, weigh it all up but keep the control while you think things through. Identify how deep you are in the the FOG. Take your time. Good luck.

[clljhns]

Hi,

I am new to this group, and tried to quote from the last post about what will be the cost to you in the future and what about children? You have to think about your own preservation. I will also offer another thought, why do you think that you stayed in this relationship for five years, and then married this person knowing their personality? This is not a judgment statement. I married a man who is uAPD. The result to our daughter was catastrophic. I knew that he was abusive, lied, manipulated, cheated on me, became violent, denigrated me, all before we married. I knew the day we married that it was a mistake, but I didn't have the courage to walk away. The result was we had a daughter who he abused. I left him when she was only 18 months old because I didn't want her to grow up in the insanity. The next thing I did was ask myself why I chose to marry someone like this knowing what he was like before we married? It took me many years to answer that question. I didn't get the answer until I became honest about my own childhood abuse.

If it is support you need, you've got it! If it is advice you want, I would step out of the path of this tornado and get therapy to understand why you chose someone with personality disorder. I wish you all the best!