BPD Daghter/Father Conflict

[ABelle]

 My question for today is about how to manage our difficult family dynamic as we begin trying learning about how to change it.  Currently, my newly diagnosed D16 is at constant odds with my husband, whose coping skills up now have mostly included just trying to avoid any conflict with her, although not too successfully.  Every interchange they have borders on her exploding at him, even if it is just him asking her to do a small task.  I am really proud that he has managed to not blow up back at her (what he used to do), but she continues to push.  She has been out of the hospital for about three weeks now, and her dad and I really want to work on improving how we deal with her.  I plowed through the Walking on Eggshells book, and have been online a lot to do research.  I have also had two sessions with a therapist who is going to help and will be doing some family therapy, but that can only go so fast.

I guess I am just looking for advice on how to not make things worse for them as we try to get some tools in place.  He is not a very feelings-based person, and so I think this whole validation thing is going to be super tough for him.  He tends to take suggestions about that kind of thing as me criticizing him.  I am really working hard not to allow her to drive a wedge between us ("Why do you always gang up on me?" "He's so rude!" are things she regularly tells me when we are alone). I spend a lot of time keeping her busy - she will sit and brood in her room, watching movies -or worse, just laying in a depressed state if I don't.  And getting her out of the house also lessons the tension at home because they are around each other less.  We are just finishing spring break, so that has been a challenge with all this extra time.  

Anyways, suggestions?  When she starts in on him, what is my best option?  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Being Mindful]

Your best option is for him to learn the skills. The change needs to begin with him, not your d and you trying to be in the middle of them is not good. You have already started within yourself. The change has already started in you by research, learning and reading. You can't be in the middle of this. You can model to both of them the new skills that you are learning.

[jellibeans]

Dear ABelle

I agree with being mindful... . the change has to come from him and maybe with therapy he can change. Right now your efforts and your husbands efforts should be in using the tool that will help reduce the conflict in your home. My husband is not very good at this so I usually take the lead when trying to discuss thing with our dd16. My dd and my husband really don't get along unless myself and dd are not getting along... . one of us is always on her sh@t list... . she will always try to pit us against each other... . I really try not to get roped into these kinds of discussions... . it will tear your relationship apart if you let it.

[Stella1425]

I agree that the skills need to be learned. I didn't do that as a mother of a troubled teen. We went through years of hell. I shouldn't say we didn't try to use skills, just not the right kind with someone who most probably had BPD. We thought we were dealing with drugs and alcohol use. We sought counseling. She has ADD issues do there was that hurdle too.  My advice. Learn the skills needed to deal with BPD. There is a difference between dealing with regular teenage issues (not that drugs and alcohol are regular) and BPD. My D is 30. Some times she does better than others but always her thinking is just "different" than we think. Learning about that now may help. Wish I had learned earlier.

[pessim-optimist]

Hello ABelle,

I want to encourage you... . It will take time to learn all the skills and tools, so be patient with yourself and your husband. You are already working on yourself, and that will definitely change the dynamic in your home. Some of the changes will be difficult in the beginning. Especially when we start setting boundaries with our person w/BPD, it is usually met with a lot of push-back. And if we are ready for that, we can weather that better.

I guess I am just looking for advice on how to not make things worse for them as we try to get some tools in place.  He is not a very feelings-based person, and so I think this whole validation thing is going to be super tough for him.  He tends to take suggestions about that kind of thing as me criticizing him.

I would say that in the beginning many men have problems understanding validation. For my husband it took a while before he really got that there is a difference between validating the feelings and validating the issue at hand. That we can disagree with our person w/BPD, and still validate the way they feel... .

Also, I would say that men may at times feel uneasy about the whole feelings thing and want to problem-solve instead. At least that is a hurdle for my husband again. When he asked me about it, I had to explain several times that his daughter needs to feel like we understand how she feels. She doesn't need us to solve her problem... .

If he is not open to your suggestions now, be gentle and patient, when he sees your success in using the new skills and tools, it will stir his interest... .

But - first and foremost, I think it was important for me to treat my husband with utmost respect, not disagree with him in front of his daughter, and present a united front. I've always believed in these values and do my best, yet, I am not perfect and sometimes my best intentions let me slip. He does have a good view of the issues and has a lot of wisdom. I can offer the side of emotional understanding, he can offer the bigger picture. Together, we can be a great team if we take advantage of each other's strengths.

[ABelle]

Thanks for the suggestions. I guess I know that I can only control myself and my own responses, but I have a hard time staying out of the way and not trying to fix situations when they arise, even if they really don't concern me.  One of the hardest things is that my daughter sites conflict with dad as a major reason for her last suicidal threats, so I am always wanting to step in and stop things from going down that road again.  The truth is that I am also the easier of the two of us to manipulate, and so if she is trying to work him, it usually only works unintentionally on me. 

As per pessim-optimist's suggestion, I am working on the united front every day.  That is hard for me, as I sometimes do think that my dh is too harsh and speaks to her in a way that would offend me if that was how I was addressed.  However, I also know that he cares about her - his reactions to her are just very different from mine.

[qcarolr]

One thing that seems to help is to delay a response to a request from out BPDDD with a phrase similar to:

I need to talk with dh about this, and then will get back to you with an answer.

It is so so so hard for me to delay giving my dd an answer, esp. when she is blaming me or blaming dh for some issue that really belongs to her. She won't accept it is her issue. I get told that I am weak, worthless, controlled by dh, blah blah blah... .   It is so hard to learn to put my 'force field' up and let this slide off of me. I tend to take ll criticism really personally. Esp. when there is a teeny tiny grain of truth in her statement.

I am doing a lot of work in my therapy on my own worthiness issues. This gives me strength in enduring DD's frontal assaults.

My dh also has withdrawn often in the past. As I have changed my responses to both DD and with dh, and put my relationship with dh as the priority before my r/s with dd, things have gotten better. Not necessarily easier, yet better.

Keep coming back and let us know how things are going.

qcr

[co.jo]

One other thing that might be helpful- if your husband is willing to read, and has not done so already, I think reading Valerie Porr's book would be useful. I think the beginning where she really clarifies some of the current research makes it more fact based, which can appeal to those whose mind is more analytical/ concrete.

[ABelle]

One other thing that might be helpful- if your husband is willing to read, and has not done so already, I think reading Valerie Porr's book would be useful. I think the beginning where she really clarifies some of the current research makes it more fact based, which can appeal to those whose mind is more analytical/ concrete.

Yes, he is willing, and while not as motivated as I am, he will do whatever I ask in that realm.

One thing that seems to help is to delay a response to a request from out BPDDD with a phrase similar to:

I need to talk with dh about this, and then will get back to you with an answer.

This is exactly what my therapist has suggested I do.  My big problem is that I am in the habit of trying to smooth things over between them, so whenever she asks something of me, if I am willing but know dad won't be, I try to figure out a way for that to happen for her. 

What is really crazy to me is that the things causing conflict are so minor!  I see people here who are struggling over big issues - moving out, getting jobs, etc. - and we are fighting over the dumbest crap!  Watching too much t.v., whether or not it is okay to ask her to be polite at the table, why we don't like musicals when she does... . it all sounds nuts when I write it out.  It is easier for me when the question is big - recently she asked to attend a party (older kids/drinking/marijuana)  and I was able to easily say no to that-no need to consult dad.  She went along with that easily as well.  But if she wants something small - to rent a movie every night or buying her candy when she doesn't need it - somehow I have no will power to withstand what is really a total overreaction on her part.  It doesn't seem worth it!  Her father sees me giving in to that as crazy as well, and that leads to resentment all around.