Good days and bad days

[Allmessedup]

Yesterday I posted a long post on the personal inventory board about how I was progressing,how I felt etc.  it was a good day.  I have a lot more of those lately.

But today is a very bad day.  I keep looking at myself and seeing all I did wrong in the relationship and why and my brain keeps thinking that if I change would everything be ok again. 

What if it was me that was the problem after all.

And then my heart wants to contact her again.

I have not wanted any contact with her.  I have not wanted her back in my life... .

I thought I was farther than this!

Ugh.  I am just so frusturated today I suppose.  It hasn't been a bad day, I am not aware of any triggers, I am not sick (which usually leaves me wanting her).  I had a good day with my kids today. 

I am just not sure where this is coming from today at all!

I know all the right things,  I know I am getting stuck, I know she treated me badly... . but today I am struggling to remember those things.  I am struggling to remember why she is a bad match for me.

Basically I just miss what we had, even though I know it was not good.

Could it be the processing?  The letting go of my anger toward her?  The personal inventory I have been taking? 

Just wondering if anyone has any insight?  I am almost 13 weeks out of a 3.5 year relationship.

I know this feeling will pass eventually, I am not planning on breaking nc.  I think I should get a tattoo saying feelings aren't facts I have repeated that so much to myself today... . but I am hugely frusturated here... .

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Dude I totally get you. I hate going a couple days, feeling great, then for some reason randomly waking up pained over the relationship. Ups and downs are part of it, the most infuriating part is that the good days are good, really good, and you get your hopes up about staying that way. I havent found a good way to deal with it yet besides to roll with it understand its part of the ride. Im trying to learn not to take myself down on a good day just because Im worrying the next wont be as good. I wish I knew what advice to give us

[corraline]

I have the same thing going on.  Ive been since mid Feb , no contact except for a slip up i admitted to on last post. fatal mistake. ugh.  In the relationship for 3.5 years.  I think we need to remember it is still early days and forgive ourselves.  Also remind ourselves that this kind of relationship has a hug impact on us and not to minimize this.  Im trying to ride the pain and the good times like a wave. Today sucks for me... . The other day was absolutely horrible. I am lonely big time. Weekends were our times together so they were usually intense with being together.

I don't feel like reading another self help book, im into ruminating and whining today. Poor me.

Oh well, tomorrow will be another day, maybe the next hour will even pick up. Its kinda like that for me right now.

Take care of yourself. Be kind and patient with yourself. Im trying to.

     

[Narellan]

All part of the grief and loss cycle. My friend tells me to train my brain. Liken it to quitting smoking. My brain knows there will be triggers or stressful times and  will say "go on just have one cigarette and youll feel better"

I have to learn control over it. And learn to say no.

When i start reminiscing or romanticising my failed relationship, i try to pull my brain up straight away, pull it totally away from thinking about him at all. Sometimes it works, sometimes not.

Im still obviously thinking about him/missing him or i wouldnt be here online on such a beautiful sunny day   

[restoredsight]

I have a few hours out of the day where I just hurt. Exercise has helped in this a bit, but sometimes I just replay events and my mind wants to snap back into denial about how severe the issues were and who she is and what she's done.

The thing is that the blame wants to stick. When you have someone saying it's all your fault when you have been carrying a lot of the relationship it hits home. Honestly, it didn't play out like a normal breakup, and I hold on to that.

She hurt me on a fundamental level, she did things that she knew were repeats of trauma for me. I was emotionally battered and then unceremoniously dropped as if I had done nothing but hold her back. And it was all my fault. I did everything wrong and whatever she did was justified. Now the silence. I know on a cerebral level what happened, but my instinct is to treat it as if it were a normal breakup and I had done something horrible.

I have had moments of joy too. I had a basketball game with my nieces today, and it was so much fun. I remind myself of the love that I gave my ex and how much I loved the side of her that she reflected for me, and I feel something bloom inside myself. I can be that person that she made me feel like being. It may take time, but I can do it.

That is a lesson I'm taking from this no matter what. She showed me what I wanted and liked out of life, and the breakup is showing me that I don't need another person to have it.

[Allmessedup]

Thank you all for your responses!

I feel so alone sometimes, and ridiculous for feeling so sad some days! 

But it is improving... .just not as fast as I would like.  My daughter got out of the hospital a week ago today and she is already complaining that she isn't fully recovered. (Major open heart surgery) I keep trying to remind her that it takes time to heal... . and to go easy on herself, but then I find myself having trouble following my own advice!

So tonight I self soothed a bit.  I posted here, and I read all my old posts all over again.  It helped to see the progress I have actually made... . and the journey that brought me here.

I was surprised to see that this was not the first time I had felt this way... . I forgot.  So in that regard it helped to see that these feelings will actually pass again!  I mean I knew that in my head, but my heart needed that reminder.

A friend texted this evening and pretty much insisted I come to a spring party tonight at a mutual friend of my ex's.  The friend that was insisting doesn't know the history between me and my ex, just knows we don't get along.  After she assured me that the ex wasn't there... . I went ahead and popped over for a couple of hours.  I had been invited but had declined asi didn't wanna chance running into my ex.  But I am so glad I went.  Even though I stayed for a very short time, it was nice to be social, it was nice to chat with both old and new friends, but mostly it was good because someone cared enough to actually want me there and texted to drag me out of my house.  I needed that tonight:)

That really meant a lot to me:)

I tend to isolate when I am hurting... . but if I just get out there often times I feel better... .

Then to come home and read your responses of compassion and validation was just icing on the cake:)

Thank you all so much!

[HappyNihilist]

AMU, I'm so glad you feel better! It's wonderful to be reminded that other people truly do care about us, worry about us, and want to enjoy time with us. I'm so glad you had a great time with your friends. 

When I have really bad moments (or days), I often feel alone and ridiculous too. Like you, I tend to isolate myself when I'm hurting bad. It's great to have a place where we can express ourselves.

I remind myself of the love that I gave my ex and how much I loved the side of her that she reflected for me, and I feel something bloom inside myself. I can be that person that she made me feel like being. It may take time, but I can do it.

That is a lesson I'm taking from this no matter what. She showed me what I wanted and liked out of life, and the breakup is showing me that I don't need another person to have it.

I love this! What a beautiful thing to feel and say.

Sometimes I feel like my exbf desecrated my sweetness -- but I tell myself that he didn't, that it's mine alone and no one can destroy it without my permission. For the most part, I do feel that he helped me see who I really am. I'm thankful for that opportunity, even though the experience was the most painful of my life so far.

[coolioqq]

I realized that what is happening when I feel this way is that I am idealizing. Just think of the ways in which you were treated badly by a person who "loved" you. Do people who love do such things? Outside of Hollywood crap, I mean... .

We are not perfect and there were things that we could have done differently. But, ultimately, that would not make any difference. Being with a person who only thinks about themselves precludes any favorable outcome. It's just the fact of life with pwBPD... .

Chin up, gaze into the horizon and you'll see an oasis soon!